Tip:
Highlight text to annotate it
X
Today I'm going to pay tribute to Simon Belmont, one of the best-known video game
characters from the NES era.
Since his 1986 debut in the first Castlevania, Simon has appeared
as a central character in eight different games,
although the bulk of these are considered remakes of the original.
And in most of these incarnations he's awesome.
There's no shortage of video game heroes who slaughter hordes of bad guys, and who
perform incredible feats of strength and bravery and agility.
But for my money, few of them can hold a candle to Simon Belmont.
Simon Belmont is the very definition of badass.
At first glance, he's not all that remarkable.
He's your typical late-eighties early- nineties action hero,
a smirking, ripped, blond-haired, sun-kissed Patrick Swayze clone with the
kind of chin cleavage the deserves its own bra.
Here he strikes a generically cocky pose, begging us to lump him in with
countless other protagonists from that era.
He's almost forgettable. . .
unless you've seen him in action.
First, let's consider his primary weapon.
Most video-game characters wield guns, or swords, or some kind of magic.
But not Simon Belmont.
He, in his awesomeness, wields a whip.
Specifically an enchanted whip known as the vampire killer.
As you might guess from the name, it's useful for killing vampires.
But in Simon's capable hands, it's also good for destroying zombies,
demons, bats, panthers, crows, skeletons, golems, medusas, medusa heads, haunted
furniture, mermen, lizard men, sand men, flea men, rock men, Frankenstein's monster,
mummies. . .
possessed suits of armor, floating eye things, whatever that is, dancing
ghosts flying chunks of wall,
two-headed sea serpents, evil paintings, wood spirits, migraine auras, coffins, zombie-
dogs, frogs, bone dragons, harpies, and pretty much anything or anyone else that
gets in Simon's way. He kills them all with a whip.
Think about that.
He whips his enemies so hard it kills them. He also smashes through walls and other
obstacles, including solid rock.
That's hardcore.
And you'll notice, these aren't your typical enemies.
Most of them are demons and ghosts another supernatural monsters, the kind of
creatures that if you actually came face-to-face with one, it would haunt
you for the rest of your life.
But Simon doesn't even blink.
Whether he's confronted with a painting
that weeps blood, or
an entire hall filled with dancing specters, or an enormous, fanged,
skull with a tongue made of poop, he doesn't care. He's got a job to do.
And he does it well.
The first time Simon kills Dracula, Dracula manages, right before he dies, to
place of curse on him.
In the following years, the curse slowly drain Simon's life force, until finally,
when he's almost dead,
he realizes what's happening.
So what does he do?
He gets up off his sick bed, fights his way through legions of monsters,
collects up all of Dracula's remains, and resurrects him,
just so he can kill him again and break the spell.
So much for that curse!
And on those rare occasions when things don't go his way, he still doesn't
complain.
Notice in Super Castlevania IV:
when he takes damage he just says “Oh.” That's it. Just “Oh.”
He sounds more surprised than distressed. It's like he's amazed that something was
actually able to hurt him. Even when he falls to his certain death just says “Oh.”
And then it echoes.
Cause he's a badass.
Do you ever wonder how he occupies himself when he isn't fighting Dracula?
Does he do crossword puzzles? Paint portraits? Sing ballads? Work on his
beloved family farm?
No! He trains to fight Dracula.
He works from sun-up to sun down conditioning his body and honing his
skills and maintaining his arsenal. Because he knows that Dracula could
return at any moment.
Technically, in the Castlevania mythos, Dracula is only supposed to appear
every hundred years.
But really he just turns up when ever he feels like it. Cause Dracula's crazy like
that. And Simon knows it. He understands that any day, at any time, a knock could
sound at his door.
SIMON: What?
KID: Mister Belmont?
SIMON: What? KID: Dracula's back!
SIMON: You're serious. KID: Yeah Dracual's back and he's unleashing his unholy army.
Monsters are attacking everywhere, medusa heads, and giant bats, and bone dragons and evil spirits and every kind of demon you can think of!
Death is sweeping across the countryside! The skies are darkening and all hope and joy are vanishing from the world and soon we'll all be destroyed!
ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!
SIMON: All right.
I'll go get my whip.
You know how when some people watch monster movies they yell advice at the
characters on screen?
Okay, there's a skeleton coming at you.
That's freaking scary, but it's not coming very quickly.
You could probably run away. Or you could fight it. Its just a skeleton. Do you have a whip? WHIP IT!
No? Okay, the screaming isn't helping. And that's acid you're standing in front of. You need to walk away from the acid and...
Don't scream. You need to run away from the acid before
the skeleton pushes you.... oh, man...
In Castlevania games, it's tempting to yell advice at the monsters on screen.
It's hard not to feel sorry for them, because they don't have a clue what
they're up against.
Okay, skeleton, you can't beat this guy. You got to drop the sword and run! Run man!
Run away! You still have time! Drop the sword and get away and... oh... you're screwed.
I warned you.
Okay you don't want to go that way, zombie! Simon Belmont's right up there! Don't you see him? He's
right up there! Now he's behind you! Run! Run! You're not going to-- oh.
In a way, Simon Belmont is a bit like Jason Voorhees, or Michael Myers,
except he slaughters monsters instead of people.
He's nearly unstoppable. His only consistent weaknesses are spikes and large
bodies of water.
The spikes makes sense, but the water thing has always seemed a little weird to me.
You'd think some one as tough as Simon would know how to swim.
But maybe there were no lakes in the village where he grew up. Or maybe all that
armor he wears drags him down. All I know is that whenever he falls in deep water, he dies
instantly. But even that can't be of much comfort to the monsters.
Because like Jason and Freddy, even when Simon gets killed, he's never really dead.
He always comes back.
Or at least almost always.
Simon hasn't featured in a proper Castlevania game since Castlevania
Chronicles for the Playstation back in 2001.
There have, however, been a lot of appeals from fans to bring him back.
Originally, he was going to be the main character in Lords of Shadow.
But I'm glad he wasn't.
In a modern game, developers would feel compelled to “flesh him out,” which is to
say they would probably strip him of his mystique, and saddle them with a bunch of
emotional baggage he didn't need.
Or just ruin him utterly.
For proof of this, look no further than the atrocity known as Castlevania
Judgement, and the twerp they have impersonating Simon in that game.
A few misguided fans insist said twerp IS Simon. But come on.
THAT is Simon Belmont.
Notice the aura of pure, unadulterated,
badass surrounding him, and the copious amounts of awesome he exudes.
Whereas on the other hand
What the ding *** f---
is that?!
Oh, wow.
No. Just. F---ing no.
That's a Final Fantasy character in a bondage outfit, or
maybe a mid-level boss from a Legacy of Kain title, or something.
It's a creative character design, but Simon Belmont it ain't.
While we're on the topic, I'm not a huge fan of his design in Chronicles, either.
Then again, I'll take either of those adaptations over his cartoon portrayal
in Captain N.
I admit, I probably would get a kick out of seeing a faithful portrayal of Simon
Belmont in a new game.
But I still hope they don't do it.
I'd rather remember him as he was at the height of his 8 and 16-bit glory,
as a legend, and powerhouse, almost a demigod. . . a merciless monster killing
machine.
It's not that i don't like complex characters in games.
And I'm not necessarily opposed to expanding on older franchises.
Some retro game characters have been enriched by giving them back-
stories, and emotions, and dilemmas.
But it can also strip them of their mystique.
Simon belmont has only the most basic story lines in his games. And that's all
he needs. His whole existence is destroying Dracula.
We don't have to know its history. We don't have to relate to him.
He's more like a force of nature.
Besides, the beauty of Castlevania was never about the story.
It's about the graphics, and music, and brilliant level design, and most of all
the gameplay. . . the simple joy running and jumping and whipping monsters in the face.
Ha!
Man, that's satisfying! Mmm!
Damn monsters!
Sometimes you just wanna play.
And that's when you turn to Simon Belmont.
So this is my tribute,
to the man, the slayer, the ultimate video-game badass.
I salute you sir. May you never turn into a pale, angst-ridden emo brat.
And may your trusty whip always strike true.