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【跟年邁的雙親相處也可以是黃金歲月】 Getting Along with Elderly Parents Can Also Be A Golden Age
所以今天我要跟大家討論兩個部份 Today I would like to discuss two parts with you all
因為在我們的社會裡面 常常很多書 In our society, there are many books
很多親子課程 教我們怎麼教育孩子 and many parenting courses teach us how to educate our children,
教我們怎麼樣...幫孩子選幼稚園啦 食物各方面啦 how to choose kindergarten, food and so on for the kids
可是各位 你有沒有發現 But, dear listeners, do you find out that
我們的社會或是書籍很少教我們 our society or the books seldom teach us
如何應付年老的雙親 how to get along with elderly parents
可是 社會上大多數的痛苦 Nevertheless, most of the pain in the society
包括各位在內... Including you of all here
你們很多部分都是不知道如何跟年老的雙親相處 because that you don't know how to get along with your elderly parents
這個社會上也很少告訴我們這件事 The society seldom tells us the matter
所以香港那個同學 他是有一本書要在香港出版 A book is going to published by a member in Hong Kong
他講了九個案例... mentioning about nine cases
就是九個年輕人 成年人 of nine youngsters or adults
當面對衰老的父母親的時候 他怎麼去因應 How to response while coping with their aging parents
那教導這些年輕人 如何改變自己的信念 and how to shift their own beliefs
那我幫這本書寫完序之後 After writing the preface of the book,
我覺得很好 I feel that it is quite good
後來我就請我們出版社 跟那個作者講 Then I asked our publishing company inform the author that
我說「賽斯文化」(我)也想幫他在台灣出這本書 Seth Publishing Co. would also like to publish this book in Taiwan
那後來就交給他們去聯絡了 Later I transfer the matter to them
因為今天要跟各位分享的主題是 The theme I would like to share with you all today is
怎麼樣跟年老的父親...父母親的相處嘛 "How to get along with elderly father or parents?"
那我也藉由 請我爸爸上來跟大家分享一下 Wherewith my dad's sharing here, I like to share with you all
我的這個心裡的感受啦 the feelings of my heart
那...其實我這幾年有一個心裡的感受 Actually, I have a feeling all these years
就是不知道什麼時候 I don't know when it started
突然 這個回首看一下自己的父母親 Suddenly, when I looked back to my parents,
那發現他們老了 I found that they had grown old
所以像昨天嘛... Just like yesterday,
昨天我就陪我爸爸去釣魚 I accompanied my dad to go fishing yesterday
但其實像...是他陪我去釣魚啦 ,it was actually more like he accompanied me to do so
我就問我爸爸一句話 I asked him,
就說...你什麼時候開始發現 "When did you start to realize that
自己這個好像...突然老得很快啦 you have suddenly aged quickly?"
那我爸爸是回答我說 My dad responsed
好像自從...因為他以前在中台禪寺在當志工嘛 He used to work as voluntary worker in Chung Tai Temple
那好像離開中台禪寺之後 Since he left Chung Tai Temple
感覺說沒什麼事情可以做 He felt that he had nothing much to do
會覺得說生活開始變得...很無聊 Life started to become boring
感覺沒有一個價值的東西對不對 He felt that there were no more value
對呀...就是 會有這樣的感覺嗎 Is that right? Do you have this way of feelings?
一直老去啊 頭髮也一直白了 Yes, I has grown old, and the hair has turned grey
就做事情都不一樣了 The feeling while doing something is entirely different
可以說就是很無聊啦 Could be said that it's very boring
好 再問你另外一個問題 OK, I would like to ask you another question
那現在 如果有讓你去做什麼事情 Now, is there anything that you can do
你會覺得自己又有價值了 makes you feel that you are valuable again?
你有想過這個問題嗎 Have you ever thought of this question?
現在就沒什麼啊 Now there is nothing much
就是只要釣魚而已 哈哈... I just want to go fishing. Haha...
有什麼事情 你有辦法去做 Is there anything that you can do
可以讓你覺得說... makes you feel that...
比如說再回去中台做義工啦 for instance, be a volunteer again in Chung Tai Temple
還是去 因為我們現在花蓮賽斯村那邊要蓋嘛 Or, as we are building Seth village in Hualien now
譬如這樣說 For example,
你有沒有想...那邊也要開一口魚池嘛 have you ever thought of that, there will be a fishpond?
最近紫涵又看一塊地 差不多八分多 Recently Zi-Han has checked on a piece of land, about 533 square meters
說要做一個農場 for building a farm
你有沒有想說去那邊指導 他們怎麼來... Have you ever thought of guiding them to...
譬如說種玉米啦 種蕃薯啦 plant corns and sweet potatoes?
還是 現在我們賽斯村要蓋嘛 Or, now we want to build the Seth Village
有沒有想要去那裡做總監工嗎 Do you want be the chief supervisor?
-有這樣想嗎 -沒有這樣想過 "Have you thought of that?" "No, I have not"
為什麼 Why?
沒有這樣想過 I have never thought of that
我算是已經老在那邊等啦 I am really old already, it is waiting there
老了啦 現在行動不方便 I am old now, mobility not as good
走路也不方便 and walking is also not as convenient
爬高下坡都不方便 Can't really climb upwards or go downwards
你會覺得如果年紀愈來愈老 Do you feel that the older you become
愈沒有辦法走 愈來愈退化 the less capability to walk and the more you sense degenerative
會嗎 會怕嗎 Do you feel that? Are you scared?
我不會怕 I am not scared
騙人 一定會怕 You lie, I am sure you are scare
不會怕 No, I am not scared
一定會怕 Sure, you are
本來就不會怕 I am not scared
為什麼不會怕 解釋給我聽 Explain to me why you are not scared
應該說 人本來出生到老就是註定好了 I would say, it is already destined how a person's life span
你要怎麼變化怎麼來... How it changes and how it comes
不管醫生有沒有醫好 沒有醫生醫治也好 Regardless of whether the doctor can heal you or not
都是...註定的啦 All is destined
你要死在外面 還是死在家裡都... Whether you will die outdoors or die at home...
因為其實... Because, actually...
因為昨天我也其實不知道要怎麼跟我爸爸談這個話題 Actually, I didn't know how to talk on this issue with my dad yesterday
我就先用我媽媽當例子 I took my mom as an example first
所以昨天我就用這個話題跟我爸爸講 I talked to my dad via the topic yesterday
我說媽媽好像最近很擔心 她的身體會出問題 I said, mom seemed very worried about her body having problems recently
所以我在想 她可能愈來愈擔心自己的身體 I thought she might be worried more and more about her body
會不會有一天沒有用了 Would it fail one day ?
如果有一天身體沒有用了 If one day the body couldn't function well anymore,
就要面對離開這個世界的部份 she would have to face the issue of leaving this world
我好像發現 我媽媽對這個部份會開始害怕 I found out that my mom has started to be fearful of this part
緊張 She is nervous
會緊張 Yes, she is
我用這個話題來切入 I used this topic to start
因為我想我爸爸應該也會 Because I think my dad should also feel the same way
但是男人總是不容易去面對這一塊啦 But it is not easy for men to face this issue
你覺得你老婆會不會害怕嗎 Do you think that your wife is scared?
害怕說身體退化 Scared of body's degenerating?
會她會怕 Yes, she is scared
對我來說這是...因為人生我看得很透澈... But, to me...because I see through life already
怎麼說 What makes you say so?
世間給我這功課 我跟你說真的啦 The world has given me lots of homework, I am serious
這實在無所不有啦 百百種 Given in everything, in thousands kinds of matters
人家說一樣米養百樣人 這是事實啦 It is so true what "As rice feeds a hundred different people" says
你不用害怕 人一定要走這條路 You don't have to be scared, human must walk on this path
你害怕做什麼 你多害怕多煩惱的嘛 Why should you fear? The more you fear, the more troubles you need to take care
那就時到時擔當嘛 沒有米再來煮蕃薯湯嘛 Just deal with it when it comes, just cook sweet potato soup if there is no rice
也許可能...其實也不一定是父母親會害怕 It maybe not...the parents would scared of
也許是我們害怕失去他們 對不對 Maybe that's we are scared of losing them, right ?
可能不是你們怕 是我怕 Maybe you are not, but I am
我怕說哪一天你們如果不在了 我怎麼辦 I am scared that one day if you are not around, how should I do?
沒有人教我綁魚鉤 Then nobody teaches me how to tie the fishing hooks
沒有人教我怎麼釣魚 Nobody teaches me how to fish
你現在學會了 Now you have learnt
因為昨天他教我了 Because he taught me yesterday
我昨天已經傳給他了啊 I have already inherited yesterday
對呀...這是事實 Right, this is true
因為人都說...你都不用害怕啦 Because everyone says, there is no need to scare of
你害怕也沒有用啊 It is also no amount of scaring
反正這條路就是一定要走就對了 This is the path that must be taken
那就難免嘛... It is hard to avoid
你就好好來...好好來上課 You just live well... and give lessons nicely
好好做你的事情就對了 Just do what you need to do
這樣你瞭解了嗎 Do you understand?
這樣我瞭解了 I understand
好 謝謝...請你... OK, thank you. Please...
其實之前其實我有個心情想跟大家分享 Actually I would like to share a feeling...
其實在我們社會上 In our society,
我也看過很多的個案 I have seen lots of cases
那常常我們會把跟這個年老的父母親的相處 think that getting along with our ageing parents
有時候當做是我們的一種痛苦跟負擔 as a kind of suffering and burden often
那甚至如果一個爸爸媽媽生了很多孩子 Even if the parents have given birth to many children
那我們在門診也常常看到 I always see the situation in my clinic
不管是妯娌之間 兄弟姐妹之間 Among the sisters-in-law, or the brothers and sisters
也經常為了照顧父母親 They always have lots of conflicts and arguments
而起很多的這個衝突跟爭執 due to the issue of taking care of the parents
昨天...前幾天在校訂這本書的時候 Yesterday ... or few days ago, when the book is in the revision stage
或是我之前的心情 or state of my mind in the early days
其實也會對我哥哥有點不滿 Actually I was dissatisfied to my brother
以前的不滿 是自己會這樣想說 The old days, I would think this way
父母親年紀這麼大了 那你怎麼可以去出家 "How can you become a monk when our parents are in elderly age?"
出家又跑到美國去 for another, you become a monk and go to the US
然後當父母親面臨衰老也好 When our parents face the aging issues
面臨身心的變化 Or face the changes in the body and mind
或是如果有一天父母親面臨了要往生 Or they have to face their terminal stage
或要死亡的時候 Or face the issue of dying
我們怎麼去...走這些階段 How are we going through those stages?
很多的家庭其實比較是把... There are lots of family actually regarded
年紀大的父母親或是公公婆婆 their aging parents or parents-in-law
當做是一個生命中不得不去面對的一個負擔跟壓力 as a life burden and pressure that they have no choice to face
可是後來我發現這個觀念是錯的... But I realize that this concept is wrong
所以今天我想跟大家分享的是 Today I would like to share with you all
我們如何把跟年老的父母親的相處 How to see getting along with the aging parents
當做是一個生命的禮物 as a gift in life
當做是一個在我們學習身心靈成長的過程當中 See as a lesson in our process of
對我們自己的一個學習 learning the aspects of body, mind and spirit
跟對我們自己身心靈的一種成長 And as a way of body, mind and spiritual growth
那當我們能夠轉變這個觀念的時候 When we can transform such concept
其實我覺得很多未來我們的社會 I think in our future society
在照顧所謂老年的人 Those who take care of the elderly
或是每一個成年人 當在跟父母親相處的時候 Or when each adult is getting along with his/her parents
其實你的心態會改變 Your mentality will change
像我跟大家講 我在校訂的那本書 Just like the book I am making some revisions
它其實很少提到怎麼要父母親去改變 It seldom referred to ask the parents change
它比較提到的是成年人如何轉變自己的信念 It referred more about how the adult change his/her own beliefs
而不是把對父母親的照顧或相處的部份 Not regarding the caring or getting along with parents
當成是我們的一個壓力 as the pressure for us
或是好像很多兄弟姐妹或妯娌啦 媳婦 Or something that the brothers, sisters and in-laws
好像每個人要在那邊分清楚界線在那邊計較 Have to be calculative and make a fuss of
還是說跟年老的父母親相處是一種痛苦跟壓力 Or think that getting along with elderly parents is a suffering and pressure
因為我知道很多人年輕人 成年人 As far as I know that many young people or adults
是不知道怎麼跟年老的父母親相處 have no idea how to get along with elderly parents
像今天的門診也是有個個案在講 Today in my clinic, there was a case talking about
說他的這個 媽媽每天都在抱怨這個外傭翻她的東西 his mom kept complaining about the guest worker messing with her stuff
就說她的外傭會偷東西 And accused the guest worker of stealing her stuff
那後來我就跟這個學員講說 Then I told to my client
你媽媽應該有這個老人痴呆的問題了 Your mom may have the problem of Alzheimer's disease
因為老人痴呆很多的第一個現象是 Because the first symptom of Alzheimer's
開始懷疑人家偷她東西 is suspecting others' stealing her stuff
所以如果你明白了這一點 If you understand this point
那麼跟你的年老的父母親相處 in getting along with your elderly parents,
你就會試著去看到對人性的不信任 you will try to look at the issue of distrust of human nature
而並不是你的媽媽得了老人痴呆 instead of your mom's Alzheimer's disease
而是藉由你媽媽的...對人性的不信任的浮現出來 Through your mom's distrust of human nature,
來問你自己 你有沒有對人性的信任 ask yourself that you trust in human nature or not
我希望幫助大家的是 I hope I can help you all
把所有對年老父母親的相處的所有的煩惱跟痛苦跟壓力 transform the trouble, pain and pressure of getting along with elderly parents
轉變成你們身心靈成長的一個甚至是快樂的泉源 into a source of growing your body, mind and spirit; or even a source of happiness
譬如說在對我哥哥的一個心態 有個轉變就在於 For example, there is a transformation in my way of looking at my brother
我開始不覺得他是在逃避他的壓力了 I started feeling that he is not getting out of his pressure
我開始覺得他失去了他的福氣 rather than losing his own felicities
因為我們如果能在身心靈的學習裡面 In our learning of body, mind and spirit
把跟年老的父母親甚至公婆的相處 If we can transform our dealing with elderly parents or in-laws
變成是我們的福氣 Into our felicities
甚至藉由以跟父母親的相處變成我們成長的教材 Or even through this issue as a form of teaching materials
那麼你的生命會完全改變... Then your life will be totally changed
你的生命會完全改變 Your life will be totally changed
你不會覺得那個是負擔 You'll no longer feel that it is a burden
之前我講過我們有一個百萬CD嘛 I mentioned that we have a "Million CD" for free distribution
叫「老年也是一種黃金歲月」對不對 with the title "Old age is also a type of golden age", right?
那也許未來會跟大家上另外一堂課就是 It might be in future, I can teach you another course...
跟老年人的相處也可以是我們的黃金歲月... "Getting along with elderly can also be our golden age"
我現在在想怎麼樣透過身心靈的觀念 Now I am thinking how to use concepts of body, mind and spirit
把我們跟年長的父母親的相處 in transforming getting along with elderly parents
變成無上的一個生命的喜悅的一個根源 into a source of the greatest joy of life
並不是不斷的去順從他 It is not to keep obeying them
然後心裡受委屈 but full of grievance inside of heart
也不是用傳統的孝道來壓住自己 Or use the traditional filial piety to suppress yourself
那對父母親並沒有幫助 This is not helpful to the parents
所以我想到的是當我們在身心靈的學習的過程當中 I am thinking of how to turn it into a way to help
如何把它變成是一個 in learning process of our body, mind and spiritual
譬如說跟你們父母親的相處 When you deal with your parents
各位你們能不能把它變成用來檢視你的信念 Can you turn it into a way to check your beliefs
跟你的父母親的相處 through getting along with your parents?
你們能不能像照鏡子一樣 Can you see your innerly limited beliefs
去看到你內在的限制性的信念 by looking into a mirror?
或是瞭解到你的成長過程的 Or realize that all you need to learn and face
所有的一切的你要學習跟面對的 in your growing process
因為當你看到你年長的父母親 Because when you look at your elderly parents
各位...也許那就是你未來30年後的樣子啊 Dear listeners, maybe that is how you will look like after 30 years
也許那就是你內在很多的潛意識的信念沒有處理的部份 Maybe that is the part of beliefs in your subconscious that have not been dealt with
所以 以前我一直在跟大家講的是 That is why I used to tell you all
當我們自己變老的時候 When we get old on our side,
我們如何不要變成一個老孤單 老固執 對不對 how do we not to become a lonely or stubborn person, right?
因著這樣的一個生命的過程 Due to such a life process
我也想幫助我們所有的學員 I would like to help all my students
把你們跟年老父母親的相處 switch over your getting along with elderly parents
變成你們身心靈的黃金歲月 to the golden age of your body, mind and spirit
變成你跟年老的父母親 年老的長輩的相處 Then your getting along with elderly parents
不是你們的壓力 Is no longer your pressure
也不是你們的負擔 Or your burden
也不是你們的痛苦 and not your suffering as well
甚至是你們的成長的無上的一個教材好不好 But the best teaching material in your process of growing, OK?