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Anyway, I'm not...
I'm not gonna do that again.
I didn't think you'd mind.
Yeah.
So listen,
I have something that I...
I think I should tell you.
Okay.
It's... it's kind of weird,
and I hope you don't mind
that I haven't told you yet,
it's just...
Well, I mean, look,
really, I'm telling you now
because I have had a really
nice time tonight.
I like you.
You do?
Yeah.
That is weird.
I just... I mean,
I'd like to do this again.
Really?
Yeah.
So do I,
I'd love to see you again.
Yeah.
That... Wow.
That's nice,
'cause you're telling me
in the middle of the date,
that's really nice.
Is that what you
wanted to tell me?
No.
No, that's... that's why
I want to tell you
what I'm going...
To tell you.
Please, go ahead.
Well...
I have a kid.
You do?
Yeah, yeah, and it's just...
It's weird, I know,
to tell someone that
when you first meet them,
and guys can get really weird
about it sometimes.
No, no, no, no, I'm not...
It's okay, it's okay.
I get why somebody
would be weird about it.
I do, but, you know, it's...
I gotta say, it's really hard
to get to know somebody...
Lisa, Lisa, listen.
Listen, you have a kid.
That's great.
I mean, what do you have,
how old?
He's a boy.
His name is Jack...
He's... he's six years old.
Really, six years old?
So, what,
kindergarten, first grade?
First grade.
That's a great age.
That's such a great time.
Wow, you...
you're just being
so great about this.
Well, listen, I...
I, uh...
I got...
This is really funny because I
have something to tell you, too.
Yeah?
What, what's that?
Well, I...
I have two kids.
You do?
Yeah, I've got two girls.
Lilly, nine years old,
and Jane is four.
It's hilarious,
because all night
we've been not telling
each other something
and it was the same thing.
You know, I just don't think
I can take this on right now.
A guy with...
a guy with kids?
Yeah, I just...
Wow, that's...
that's a lot.
I...
But...
Yeah, that's...
That's kind of a bummer.
It's a bummer?
Well, I guess I...
Thought you...
Sync by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
And so the squirrel
and the dog waited for the bus,
and they waited and waited.
And the bus must have
been delayed,
because it was
taking a very long time,
and they just waited and they
waited for the bus.
Daddy, this story is boring.
Shh, it's supposed
to be boring.
I'm trying to put you to sleep,
that's why it's boring.
And so they waited for the bus
and then
an old woman came along
and she sat on the bench, too,
and then she waited for the bus
and they all waited
for the bus.
Daddy, this story is so boring
that it's keeping me awake.
Sing a song, daddy.
I... I sang already
for a half an hour, girls.
Please!
No, you have to get to sleep.
No, sing a song!
I'm not gonna sing.
I'm not gonna sing a song,
just go to sleep.
Yes, you are!
I'm tired.
No, yes, you are.
Please, daddy, sing a song.
I'm not singing.
Please!
Just go to sleep.
No, sing!
Sing!
Are you seriously crying
'cause I'm not gonna sing?
Putting the kids... putting
the kids to bed is torture.
That's the hardest
thing in the world to do,
because they don't
want to sleep.
They're just laying there.
They have to sleep,
it's important that they sleep,
otherwise they're just pieces
of *** the next day.
I want to sleep.
I just want to stop them,
I want it to stop.
And I love my kids,
they're great, but I just want...
At the end of the day,
I got nothing left,
and they're just laying
there like "Clockwork Orange."
They have no interest
in going to sleep.
I just want to stop
their ceaseless joy for life...
... So I can watch "Cash Cab"
and jack off and pass out.
I want the joy and challenge
of ( bleep ) parenthood to end
so I can go eat all the
ice cream in the freezer
that they have no idea
is there.
And it would break their hearts
if they knew how much ice cream
I keep in the house.
It's like a restaurant.
It's a disgusting amount
of ice cream.
And it's not for them.
I never give them ice cream.
It's mine.
I wait 'til they're asleep
and I eat it in their room
above their beds in the dark.
That's right, it's mine.
They won't fall asleep.
And they say all sorts
of cool stuff at night, too,
but I don't want to hear it,
I don't.
I want them to be asleep.
The other night,
I thought my kids...
I was like, I think they're
asleep, then I hear, "daddy!
Birds are like paintbrushes that
make colors in the sky."
Honey, shut your mouth
right now.
Just shut your *** mouth!
I will kill a bird
in front of you.
Oh, ***, that's right.
Karen, hi.
Hi.
Hey.
I kind of forgot
that I called you.
Are you crying?
No.
Hi.
Are the girls asleep?
Yeah, they just...
I just put 'em down.
Well, I'm not gonna be long.
I don't really have anywhere...
anywhere to go.
So I just thought I...
I could use the night out.
I just forgot.
All right, good night.
Hey, Karen.
I got nowhere to go.
So let me just pay you
like you've been here
for a couple hours
and you can take off.
You can just go home.
Louie, please
just get out of here.
What?
Just go.
You do this all the time,
you don't go anywhere.
Well, why...why do you...
why do you care?
Because it's depressing.
It's just sad.
You can't just be all
by yourself all the time.
Look, Karen, thank you,
but I'm okay.
I got the girls and I'm fine.
Do you think the girls
don't know that you're alone?
Do you want to teach them that
a good man just has nobody?
You have to be whole for them.
You need to be with somebody
who's gonna care for you.
A man needs that.
That's none of my business,
but I can't just sit here
and watch you waiting to die!
I didn't realize I was...
Please just get out of here
and try to get laid.
Just have fun!
Meet someone, you know!
If you don't give a ***
about yourself,
you do it so the girls
won't have a depressing loser
for a father.
Just go!
Okay, all right.
I don't have anywhere to go,
but I'll try.
I'll... it's okay,
take it easy, okay?
I'm fine, I'm fine.
I'm going out.
Bye.
But why don't you just...
you're completely lying
to me right now.
Can I just... can you give me
a chance to explain?
No, well, you can
if you're not gonna be lying.
Can I just explain...
no, you just... you never...
you never let me say what
I have to say, all right?
Well, then tell me
what you have to say.
Do you always
have to interrupt?
Because you are a liar.
Can I talk?
Can I talk?
Yes.
No, you're just never gonna...
Look, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Hi, how you doing?
Are you... are you
in the army, or...
I got nothing, man.
What the hell was that?
You know what you gotta do?
You gotta hang out
with those black comics.
Those guys know how
to get laid.
Watch how they go
after this chick.
Watch this, it's unbelievable.
I'm not going
to that wack club.
Dude, look, man.
I know the doorman, man,
we get in real quick.
Hey, what's up, ladies,
how y'all doing?
So where we going tonight?
Come on, we going to a club,
we going out, what's up?
Let's go, let's go.
Come on.
What's your name, boo?
Let's see... uh, Lisa.
Yeah, Nick's right,
man, you gotta be like that.
You gotta be confident,
black, handsome,
not boring.
Don't wear that shirt.
Hey, guys.
Oh, what's up, C.K.?
Hey, man, can I... can I
hang out with you tonight?
You want to hang out with us?
Listen, man,
I know that I'm older
and I don't really run
at your speed and...
it's just, you know
how to do this whole thing
and I don't really know...
So you want to hang out
with the brothers
so you can get some ***, huh?
Never mind, thanks anyway.
No, no, no.
Come back, come back.
No, no, you can hang
with us, man.
We're gonna get you laid,
tonight, all right?
We got you, brother.
Thank you.
Yo, it's a big world
out there, man.
We gonna find you something.
All right, ladies,
this is Louie C.K.
He's gonna be hanging out
with us tonight.
Yeah.
He's 40 years old.
Oh, my God, seriously?
I'm actually 42, yeah, I'm old.
Let's go.
Okay.
Yo!
What up, big cousin?
All right.
Pardon me, ***,
let me get by you.
Sorry about that.
All right, excuse me...
How you doing?
You look good, girl.
My man, my man.
Yeah, what's up, dude?
All right, what's up?
Come on, man, damn.
What's up, boy?
Come on, man.
Live comedy, check it out.
Who likes comedy?
Hey, what's up, bro?
How you doing?
How you doing?
Got a crowd in there?
Crowd's like 12 drunks.
There's like an Israeli couple
making out in the back.
Want to do some time?
Yeah, can I do
like five minutes?
Yeah, of course, man, come on.
Thanks.
Come on.
I got divorced about
a year ago and it's kinda...
y'know, divorce is not...
it's like being free,
but on the other end
of a long prison term.
So it's like they just
give you your old suit back
that you wore at court when
you got convicted.
You get a little paper bag
with what *** you had
in your pockets.
They give you about $8 and drop
you off at the bus station.
And you gotta learn
how to reenter society.
Now, I'm not saying
that I'm gonna carve my name
on a beam and hang myself,
it's not quite that bad,
but I definitely...
Here's it.
I'm 42, I'm really good
at ***.
I'm like the best
masturbator on the planet earth.
I'm really...
there is nobody
better at that than me,
so I'm gonna continue
to excel at that.
I'm gonna focus on that
and raising my children.
I know it's not nice to say both
those things in one sentence,
but they happen to be the
two things that I do the best.
Hey, Karen.
Hey.
Karen, wake up.
Hi.
Hey, hi.
Hey.
Wow, so you had fun, huh?
Yeah, yeah, I was out.
It was crazy.
Partied and got drunk.
Chick with big *** and we,
you know,
made out, it was great.
So thank you.
You were right, I really needed
to get out, so... so great.
Thanks, here you go.
And sorry that I'm late.
I didn't mean to keep you...
Oh, no, I'm glad.
Good, good.
I just don't want you
to just be alone, you know?
I know, I know, thank you
very much, thanks a lot, babe.
Daddy!
Good morning, daddy.
Good morning?
It's 4:00 in the morning.
Why are you guys...
why are you awake?
I'm hungry.
You're hungry?
Daddy, can we go out
to breakfast?
You want to go out
to breakfast now?
Thank you very much.
Good night.
Woo, woo!
Sync by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com