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Previously on Californication
We could actually use
a lead guitarist, you know,
for that Eddie van Halen ***.
What do you guys
call yourselves?
- Queens of Dogtown.
- You want to know
- how many women I've slept with?
- Mm-mm.
No.
No, no, no.
I got to get it up to 100.
Triple digits,
then I can die happy.
My *** are so sore.
I'm crampy as hell.
And I've been throwing up
in my mouth all day long.
Nice.
You're probably preggers.
You are quite a ***.
Because I'm
a cocky *** attorney,
and this is a great case for me.
But if you insist on dicking
around and wasting my time,
I'm happy to see you rot in jail.
What the *** do I care?
Hank Moody, Sasha Bingham.
Sasha Bingham.
All right, what is it you do,
Sasha Bingham?
How am I supposed to know that?
With Sasha's interest
and with Hank's face
all over the news right now,
we could be at Sundance
this time next year.
Just get me out of it, Charlie.
I can't focus on a stupid
*** screenplay right now.
I can't do that.
Stu's been calling.
Brilliant!
Pure, unadulterated brilliance!
Wow, that must have been
one hell of a dookie.
You wash your hands?
The script is good, Hank.
It's really good.
Total game-changer.
Don't say that ever again
"game-changer".
I'll kill you.
You totally, totally nailed it.
You took that book, and you
You made it your own.
It is my own, Charlie.
Right.
Right.
Your words are downright
broner-inducing.
Yeah, I almost pleasured myself
in there.
Kind of like
a solo-blumpkin deal?
Joke all you like,
but my briefs
are way crowded right now.
Well, I am just overjoyed
that my tales
of melancholy
and the infinite sadness
can induce some sort
of a reaction
in you like that, old man.
This is gonna be
a really good movie, Hank.
I smell I smell me
an Independent Spirit Award.
Mm. You think they might get
it on demand at the state pen?
Cheer up, will you, pal?
This is good for both of us.
You, pumping
out the literary greatness.
Me, riding your coattails,
just like old times.
Yes, well, as much as I enjoy
a good old-fashioned
ego hummer,
it is time for you
to take your leave, bald sir.
I have much self-pity
in which to wallow.
No, no, no.
No time to wallow.
We got us a dinner date
with Stu and Zig.
Zig?
What the *** is a zig?
Zig Samitaur, the billionaire.
He's financing the movie,
you dumb ***.
Sounds brutal.
Count me out.
It is brutal, but essential.
No money, no honey.
Well, no can do, Runks.
I got a date with my ***
and some hotel-room po'nography.
The good stuff too
penetration and everything.
Your ***'s gonna have to wait
till dinner's over.
The moneman wants to meet him
some writer.
- He's a big fan, by the way.
- Oh, ***.
Big, big fan.
You ever notice
when they do the editing
in the hotel-room po'nography,
and they take out
all the penetration
and it's just pumping,
sweaty man ***,
it looks like just about
any Matthew McConaughey picture
ever made?
Isn't it a little early?
What? For an itty-bitty glass
of vino?
- Uh
- *** you,
you teetotaling buzzkill.
- All right?
- Okay.
Now it's time for bottoms up.
That's right.
Wha
Marcy, oh, God!
- Sorry, Marcy.
- No.
No, it's okay.
Marce, I'm sorry.
Thank you so much
for letting them practice here.
It's fine.
That's cute.
Girls getting together
to play the rock and roll
I like it.
I like to patronize the arts.
Have you heard anything
fro from Charlie?
About the trial?
Not really.
I mean, I could ask,
but it would mean having
an actual conversation
with Butterbean himself,
and I don't want him
getting the wrong idea.
- Hmm.
- Why?
Are you missing you
some hankness?
Which one? The one I loved
or the one who *** Mia?
I don't know.
All I know right now
is it all feels a little unreal.
It's kind of like
a walking daymare.
- Fancy-***
- A daymare?
Yeah, it's a Hank thing.
No, I think I know
what you mean.
Holy *** nuts.
Where did Becca find
these miscreants the pound?
They look like a pack
of feral animals.
Well, let's go to the store
and get them something
to gnaw on.
- And leave them here all alone?
- Yeah, they're fine.
They're tough chicks.
No one's gonna mess with them.
I don't give a *** about them.
- I'm talking about the house.
- Come on.
I don't want them sacrificing
a freaking goat in here.
So can we shoot the picture
in 30 days?
- Absolutely.
- Absolutely not.
Maybe.
Let me look at the schedule.
Hank, what do you think?
Hank's not really
a shooting schedule kind of guy.
Silence, agent!
Well, Zig-Zag,
my work here is done.
I I really
don't give a ***.
And Sasha Bingham will star?
Yes, she's reading as we speak.
There's no saying no
to this draft.
Hank really killed it.
She is really fuckable,
isn't she?
Beautiful ***
Blow-job smile.
Hank, have you made love
to her?
You're quite the cocksman, no?
No comment, Ziggy.
A gentleman never tells.
That's true.
He keeps it in his *** bank
until he's ready to pull it out
and play
with his little pee-pee.
Of course, I haven't had
an *** in the past decade,
but that's another story.
But that doesn't stop me
from giving face rides
to my sister-wives,
right, ladies?
My God, Zig,
you have got a way with words.
Face rides to your sister-wives
Respect.
And what about Eddie Nero?
- Have we, uh, locked him yet?
- He's circling.
What the ***
does that mean, agent?
It's very hard
to nail him down, Zig!
A little slippery!
We're doing our best!
Ah, it doesn't matter.
With Sasha Bingham's puddum
and her magnificent ***,
I can pre-sell
the foreign territories
so that we'll be in the black
before we shoot an inch of film.
Okay.
To *** & Punching:
The Movie.
Mm.
- Here.
- God, I love that title.
Mm.
You and me, Hank
We know things
Dark things.
Mm.
I love your writing.
His best yet.
Screenplays bore me to tears.
Word.
I like to have things
acted out for me.
Let's go to my house
and do a reading.
Shall we?
Girls, have them bring
the car around immediately.
Okay?
***.
***, ***, ***.
Why do you keep saying ***?
My *** are so big
and swollen.
They're killing me.
- Right.
- Here, feel.
I'm good.
I'm good.
- No, seriously.
- Marce
- Grab that ***. Squeeze it.
- I don't want to feel your ***.
Squeeze it.
Ow. Yeah.
What'd I tell you?
Well, what
have I been telling you?
Oh, no, Marcy, are you crying?
Why are you crying?
I don't know.
Okay, sudden crying jags,
sore ***
- And I'm late.
- Bingo.
Come on, let's go get you
a pregnancy test.
And some snacks?
- And some snacks.
- Ow! Jesus, woman.
You're killing my ***.
I'm serious.
Henry, this is
Bob's daughter Clea.
Do you two know each other?
Well
- No.
- I do recognize you.
- No, you don't.
- Sure I do
From your book.
Your picture's on the back.
Ooh, what happened
to your face?
Oh, this.
Uh, it's nothing.
You should see the other guy.
The other guy.
I love it.
Wow, hope
she doesn't press charges.
He.
It was a he.
Right.
Well, I'm off to bed.
It was really nice
to meet you, Henry.
Hey, she's, um
Nice.
How old might she be?
Oh, she's 16!
How delightful, Hank.
Very well played, by the way
So, um
***.
Good news, everyone.
Not only have I decided
to fully finance
this shining example
of art-house erotica,
but I myself am in possession
of my first diamond-hard
***
since the Clinton White House,
thanks to you and your words,
Hank Moody.
Respect.
Tend to me, Tabby.
Take me in your mou
Not you, Corrine, no.
You give lousy head.
You're timid,
and you lack focus.
We got to get you some Ritalin.
Okay, come on.
Over here.
Oh, yes.
Oh.
Oh, yes.
Isn't this wonderful, Hank?
Oh.
Ohh.
- Mm.
- You and me
Men together.
Hmm.
Oh, Corrine, see how gentle
and subtle she is.
Oh.
He doesn't like you, agent.
He smells your fear,
your weakness.
How does that make you feel?
He could put on a suit
and do your job, and no one
would know the difference.
All right, all right,
that's enough, that's enough.
I don't want to waste
this magnificent ***
on a silly suck and ***.
I'll be back, and then
we will finish the performance.
Keep these boys entertained,
will you?
Show 'em what you got.
I'll be back.
Well, who wants to get baked?
All right, then.
All right.
Up high.
Hey, I'll take one of those.
What do you say?
What?
Well, I *** your mother today ♪
and it doesn't matter much to me ♪
as long as she spread ♪
sweet, lovely death ♪
I'm waiting for your breath ♪
Oh, come sweet death, one last caress ♪
♪
Go ♪
♪
- Marce.
- You know what?
I don't want to know.
Come on. No.
You need to find out.
Did you see
those hideous
*** creatures downstairs?
- I don't want one of those!
- Marce, I swear,
that does not happen
for a long time.
They're
At first, they're so cute.
I mean, they're so
Yeah, *** and ***
all over the place
and making
my *** nipples bleed
That's really *** cute.
No, thank you.
- Marce.
- Kill me now!
Let's just do it.
Come on, let's do this thing.
You need to
Fine!
Fine.
Let's do this.
All right!
Let's get
this golden shower started.
Open up and say pee.
- Hmm.
- Oh.
Hmm.
This is like
This is like The *** Suicides
meets the yule log.
I cannot look away.
Hey, are you guys
really sisters,
or is this kind of like
a white stripes deal?
Oh, better not.
I can't.
All right, you know what?
T.S.T.B.
T.S.T.B.
Too *** to ball.
Aw.
Oh, Stu.
Stu.
No, back off, *** toys.
This producer
is looking for love.
This guy, up here.
- Moi?
- Yes, please.
Well, maybe just for a minute.
Mm, you smell
like cigarettes and champagne
and cool ranch doritos.
And it makes me strangely hard.
Number 17.
How do you like them apples?
- See you guys later.
- Apples and doritos
Stu, that sounds
pretty good to me.
- You hungry?
- A little bit
A little, little bit.
***. ***.
The rabbit done died.
I'm sorry, baby.
Okay, quick.
Punch me in the stomach.
- Go.
- You have options.
- Oh, really?
- Uh-huh.
Okay, my options are I either
have a *** abortion,
or I have a *** baby.
Those are what's
commonly known as options.
Okay, so I could either vacuum
this nightmare out of my ***,
or I could settle in
for the burden of a lifetime.
Is there anything else?
Is there something
behind door number three?
Oh, how did this happen
to me, Karenina?
Why does Hashem hate me?
***.
Okay, so who whose is it?
I don't know.
- Is it Charlie's?
- ***, no.
That kid's all snipped
to shreds.
It can't be him.
It's not Rick Springfield.
Uh-uh.
He was all about the ***.
- Nice.
- Yeah.
Plus, he never came.
- What?
- No, we'd *** for hours.
I'd come nine times.
He'd shoot a puff of smoke.
Can't be that dude.
There were a couple
of Craigslist
"casual encounters"
- here and there
- Okay.
But I never let 'em
raw-dog me.
Okay.
So, ***.
It could be
an immaculate conception.
What? I'm not good enough
to get knocked up by God?
*** you.
Some friend you are!
Come get some rest.
Lie down.
I can't rest,
because your *** child
is playing devil music
in my living room.
No, no, no, it's okay.
I'll go get them to stop.
No, no, no, good
They're good.
Let 'em play.
I like it.
It's fine.
I'll be fine.
Do you think I'd make
a good mom?
Yes, I think you'd make
a great mom.
***-a, right.
That little mutant
would be lucky to have me.
Are you sure you're into this?
Oh, yes.
Take me, agent.
I only ask
because I'm I'm encountering
sort of a lack
of lubrication here.
Oh, it's okay.
I can grin and bear it.
It'll feel like I'm a "wirgin."
- A "wirgin"?
- Mm-hmm.
Like ***,
but with a "w."
It sounds super creepy
that way.
Yes.
Yes, it really does.
Well
Okay, then.
Here we go.
Am I doing something wrong?
I'm I'm not averse
to a little guidance here.
It's not you.
It's him.
I can't screw
with him watching us.
He's got that gleam in his eye.
Well, we're all
just mammals here.
No.
No, you don't understand.
He tried to finger
my friend Jess one time.
He is highly ***.
Just get him out of here.
Jeez, what is he throwing
at me?
- His poo.
- His poo?
Jesus Christ.
That is one antisocial monkey.
God! Ew!
Kong, would you get the ***
out of here?
Jeez.
Ew!
Aah!
Kong!
Ow! Get it off!
Get it off!
Get it off!
Aah!
Kong is dead!
- Long live Kong.
- Who is Kong?
The monkey.
That bald scumbag murdered
our monkey.
I committed no such act.
It was self-defense.
- You killed the monkey?
- No.
I tracked down
the one man in this city
who's got the dough to pull off
my *** passion project,
and you killed
his *** monkey?
It was an accident, I swear.
That monkey was a deviant
and a cockblocker.
He was throwing
his fecal matter at me!
And he bit my *** arm!
Murderer!
Runks
Killing an innocent monkey
in the name
of getting some ***.
Is nothing sacred?
No one has to know about this.
I say we abscond
with that corpse.
We take it up to Griffith Park,
and we put that little
***-fondler six feet under.
What do you need?
Huh?
- Hush money-wise?
- Hey, hey, shut up.
Take a look
at the eye in the sky.
Hello.
Yeah.
Look, they're in every room.
That means we're ***.
- Okay?
- Mm-hmm.
So listen up,
you giant botcher.
We have only one play here.
And that is for you
to come clean
and tell Zig
before he finds out.
I want you to march
into that man's bedroom
And tell him
you killed his *** monkey!
I don't want to do that.
I'll take you.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Get out of here,
you *** moron.
Hey.
Make yourself at home.
Sorry.
Sorry.
I was I was knocking,
and I was ringing,
and and no one answered.
So what,
you just let yourself in?
Well, the door was open,
and, uh, my girl was inside.
What would you do?
Oh, okay, okay, I get it.
Uh, the exact same thing.
Hmm.
Which hell spawn is yours?
Pearl
The one with the pipes.
Mm-hmm.
Mine's Becca,
the one with the bangs.
A-ha.
She's pretty fierce, that one.
- Mm-hmm.
- Tasty licks.
And you are?
I'm sorry.
I'm Ben.
- Karen. Nice to meet you.
- Karen.
Nice to meet you too.
Well, um, here you go, Karen.
You know, not many people
can actually say
they have a picture
of the exact moment
they met someone
for the first time,
so there you go
My gift to you.
I think
this is going really well.
Hello?
- Zig.
- Zig.
You freaky ***, Zig.
Zig, we got
a-a-a little situation out here.
Kind of a minor
monkey incident happening.
Ah, Zig or no Zig,
I got to take a waz.
♪
Hello?
Eat my peach, baby, blow on my dice ♪
you gotta ♪
Zi Hey.
Charlie!
Charlie, we got a bit
of a predicament in here.
What?
Hey. Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, what the ***'s going on in here?
Hey, Runkle,
how did Zig take the news?
Not so well, actually.
Oh, God!
Come on!
Sweet mother of God!
Runkle, did you do that to him?
No, I did not do that to him.
We came in here,
and that's how he was.
I mean, I am not averse to
the occasional choke and stroke,
but this is a prime example
of why one must always use
the buddy system.
This is not good.
This is not good at all.
On the bright side,
it makes the whole monkey thing
a bit less of a snafu,
doesn't it?
- That's a good point.
- That is true.
On the other hand, it's gonna
be hard to make F&P: The Movie
without creepy Warbucks
over here.
Oh, it makes it impossible.
Anyway, it was a pleasure
almost working with you.
And, yeah.
You can't go anywhere.
We got a serious situation here.
The *** I can't.
Dead monkeys
and autoerotic asphyxiation,
that's my cue.
I was never here.
What?
Not exactly a "going down
with the ship" type, is he?
What the ***, Hank?
What do we do now?
You have to stop yelling,
firstly.
Ooh, kind of touching
the dead guy there.
Don't do that.
Shouldn't we take him down
or something?
Nothing good can come of that,
I assure you.
Jesus.
He really liked the script,
though, huh?
He must have.
I'm flatteredKind of.
- Oh, Hank, I'm scared.
- Yeah.
This is really dark.
This is way, way, way dark.
We got to make this go away.
Hold me, please.
Cool your jets, Runks.
I got a guy.
- Oh, ***, Hank. ***, Hank.
- Be cool, Runks.
- ***, ***, ***.
- Maintain.
What's going on here, fellas?
Just rocking out
with our *** out.
Oh, one of those parties, huh?
Okay.
And where's Mr., uh, Samitaur?
He's inside
- In the bathroom.
- Just hanging out.
Okay. You mind
if I have a word with him?
Looks like somebody hit
the panic button, so
He's a *** murderer!
Allow me to explain.
Whoa!
Oh, yeah.
What, huh?
- You want some of this?
- No, I don't want any of it.
You want some of this,
midnight cowboy?
Let's go.
What the ***, Hank?
Well, thank you so much
for coming.
Tell me.
One dead billionaire,
one dead monkey.
Autoerotic asphyxiation
the billionaire, not the monkey.
- Wow, really?
- *** happens.
Is he okay?
Oh, yeah, he just got tased.
- And him?
- Him I knocked out.
Don't be tasing my agent,
***.
Okay, self-defense.
Oh, I like that.
What's the move?
Depends.
Did you actually
do anything illegal?
Is there something
you're not telling me?
I did watch two sisters
take off their clothes
and make out with each other.
And that made my wiener
feel a little weird.
Mm, yeah, that's
That's gross.
But I don't believe
that that's illegal.
- No, it's not illegal.
- Not illegal.
- Okay, uh, we call
- Maybe it should be.
We call 911.
You give a statement.
I ask for a favor.
We make sure it doesn't end up
all over the press.
Wow, no,
that's grace under pressure.
I dig that in a woman.
And you look
smokin' hot tonight.
You got a big date?
You know what?
It's strange.
A part of me is really quite
pissed off at you right now,
because your idea of staying
out of trouble sucks balls,
but the other part,
I don't know,
it feels vaguely proud of you.
- Proud?
- Uh-huh.
I don't think there's much
to be proud of here tonight.
A debauched party,
a couple of dead primates
not really worthy
of a gold star.
No, you absolutely
screwed the pooch, but, uh
Calling me shows at least
a modicum of sense
and, uh,
more than a little trust.
Sensible and trusting.
That's me
in a nutshell, really.
How high are you right now?
- Hmm?
- How high are you?
- Significantly.
- Yeah.
All right.
Let me deal with this.
You okay, buddboy?
I feel like ***
- Like a great, big slab of ***.
- Yeah.
Well, look on the bright side.
You inched closer
to your magic number.
It was just the tip, Hank.
- It doesn't count.
- The tip counts.
You think?
***-a.
The tip always counts.
- The tip counts?
- Yeah.
Hold your *** together,
Chunkle.
Tomorrow's another day
in the dream factory.
Don't blame yourself,
buddy boy.
I got blood on my hands, Hank.
Seriously, I don't know
if I'm gonna sleep tonight.
Every time I close my eyes,
I see that sweet
little monkey's face.
Marcy?
You want to come in?
What, and tuck you in,
read you a bedtime story?
No.
Your lady's chariot.
I don't think they want
to see me, Charlie.
When has that ever stopped you?
Come on, don't be a ***.
This house ♪
she's holding secrets ♪
got my change ♪
behind the bed ♪
in a coffee can ♪
♪
throw my nickels in ♪
just in case ♪
I have to leave ♪
and I will go ♪
if you ask me to ♪
I will stay ♪
if you dare ♪
if I go, I'm going crazy ♪
let my darling take me there ♪
if I go, I'm going crazy ♪