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- Oh, hello there, Ronald.
- Hey, Timmy.
I bought a new vest
for your party.
I'm sorry.
I'm going
to need that explained.
It's like a shirt
only without the sleeves.
No, the other part.
My party?
Yeah.
You know,
for you finally becoming
a U.
S.
citizen.
Anyway, thanks,
I don't get invited
to a lot of parties.
Hey, Tim.
How was the weekend
in the teepee?
You and the squaws grill up
some of that multicolored corn?
Sir, perhaps you can
enlighten me
as to why weird Ronald
is under the impression
we're having a party.
Ha ha ha.
All right.
You're gonna love this.
- Will I?
- Yeah.
You know Maya,
that chick I've kind
of been chasing around?
- The party planner.
- Exactamundo!
I'm bringing that back.
Dy-no-mite, sir.
Anyway, I can never get
any quality time with her
to work my magic
'cause she's so focused
on her stupid job.
So I'm going to hire her
to throw a party.
Celebrate me becoming
a citizen,
which, by the way, occurred
over a decade ago.
Yeah, it was either that
or you beating cancer.
But that made you too heroic.
Sir, why involve me at all?
Couldn't you have said
you're celebrating something
like a birthday
or six months std free?
Six months? I wish.
I'm sorry, sir, but I refuse
to trivialize my citizenship,
which I happen to take
quite seriously,
on the altar of duping
an unsuspecting woman.
Hey, Timmy.
I'm really looking forward
to your citizenship party.
As am I.
Stars and stripes
and whathaveyou.
So what's it like
to be eating for two?
Well, at first,
I got to say, I kind of--
- oh, honey, I wasn't talking
to you.
Slow down.
You're gonna choke.
If it's my time, it's my time.
It's not your time yet, okay?
Friday morning,
we get our first look
at the baby.
That's right.
Brenda will put on that gown
and get on the table
and the doctor will get
the first glimpse
of the life growing within her.
Let me know how that goes.
You'll know
'cause you're going.
Yeah.
It's your baby,
you big mount rushmore head.
It'd be all right
if it was up in Audrey's regions
but you're my softball buddy.
And you're gonna be
in that chair all, you know
Do you know how we're gonna
look at the baby?
I'm no doctor,
but I assume it has something
to do with the camera pointed
at Brenda's, uhEntrance.
You say you're not a doctor,
but I don't believe you.
The doctor waves
an ultrasound wand
over Brenda's belly
then an image of the baby
shows up on a screen.
- Oh, so no?
- No, no, no.
Beauty.
Beast.
That hurts to be mocked
by someone with the exact hair
as the mom
from the Brady bunch.
Do you mean tv icon
Florence Henderson?
America's mom?
Hmm.
I'll take it.
Who are you?
That's Brenda.
You've met her roughly
a dozen times, sir.
All right,
Brenda the softball lesbian.
That's what it says
on my business cards.
Yes.
And we all know
what kind of, uh,
business you do.
So what's everyone doing
Friday night?
Well, knicks/lakers are on tv
and then I thought I'd try
to get on top
of ol' Audrey here.
Jeff's watching a Knicks game
and then nothing.
Why? What's going on?
Well, I'm hosting
a sweet throw down
to celebrate ol' timbo here
becoming a U.
S.
citizen.
- I thought he was a citizen.
- It's a long story.
Russell's trying
to bag some woman?
I stand corrected.
- Hello, everyone.
- How's it going, doc?
To be honest, it's been
a pretty rough morning.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I was so close to breaking 80
and then I chunked a tee shot
straight into the water.
- Again.
So sorry.
- Trying to move past it.
All right, who's ready to have
a look at the little guy?
We're so excited.
This is, uh, conductive gel.
It may be a bit chilly.
Yeah,
I could squeeze it slower,
but then you don't get
that noise.
Okay, there's the amniotic sac.
Everything looks good.
And that tiny spot,
that's your baby.
Oh.
Isn't that the most adorable
tiny spot you've ever seen?
Yes.
And I'm not
just saying that.
I can print you a photo
off the screen
if you'd like to have one.
Oh, yeah.
Of course we would.
Uh, no, we wouldn't.
That's how they get you.
How they get you?
It's our baby, Jeff.
We didn't just come off
space Mountain.
All right, fine, but just one
and we don't need it
on a mug or mouse pad.
Hey, look, Jeff.
Its little fist is clenched
around a tiny wallet.
- Huh.
What?
Is there a problem?
No, no.
I'm seeing something
behind the amniotic sac.
It could be another one.
What?
You mean, like, twins?
It's not in a good position
to see, but it could be.
We'll know for sure
at your next appointment.
Oh, my God.
I know.
- It might be twins.
- It might be.
Just so you know,
attendance is mandatory.
So Jeff and, uh
I want to say martina
You got to be there.
Aw, how could I resist
an invite
from the star
of the Chucky movies?
Great.
Now listen.
Maya's a real
career-oriented gal.
This is the first party
she gets to throw on her own.
So if she does well,
there's gonna be an after party.
- Me and Maya.
- Me pants.
Just be there, all right?
And bring that chick
that's having your baby.
Wow.
Speaking of babies,
could be twins, huh?
That was a real gut punch
for me.
Well, at least it doesn't
affect me.
- Mm.
- Anyway
You kind of put on
a big happy face for Audrey.
Well, I had to 'cause
she was so happy.
That's a husband's job:
To hide his feelings
from his wife.
Push them deep down.
Really, Jeff?
I mean, how long can you keep
that up? Thanks.
I just need to make it
to my goal age of 71.
Why 71?
I saw a 72-year-old guy
naked at the gym once.
Let's just say gravity wins.
Come on in.
Welcome to Timmy's America.
Hey, Ronald, glad you could
make it.
Whoa, Asia-vu.
My brother Donald.
Mr.
dunbar, my boss.
Nice to meet you.
Oh, hey, how you doing?
Uh
Ooh, Ronald.
O-bigay chippita, dippita.
Hey, hey, hey,
your brother's having some sort
of seizure.
No.
Like many twins,
we sometimes speak
a secret language
that only we understand.
Sodabe hopitty hippity doo?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Great.
Valuable addition
to the scene.
- Russell.
Russell.
- Oh, hey.
Hey, hey, hey, uh, is there
smoking allowed in here?
- No.
Is someone smoking?
- Yes, you are.
Let the charm wash over you.
I just hope Timmy's
having a good time.
- I'm sure he is.
- Where is he?
Who's that?
- Timmy!
- Oh, I don't know him.
He's the guest of honor.
He needs to be mingling
to get things going!
No, no, no, I know, I know,
and I'll find him
and straighten him out.
He's new to America.
He doesn't know.
Psst!
Adam.
Get in here!
That's what I'm talkin' about.
Okay.
All right.
It's gotta be a quick one.
There's people waiting.
No! I clogged the toilet.
Oh, dude.
Way to kill the mood.
With tissues.
Whatever you say, honey.
Just do something!
Well
No! It's overflowing!
And everyone's
gonna think I did it.
Well, you did do it.
With your"Tissues.
"
It was tissues.
Okay, calm down.
We'll just
Find someone else to pin it on.
No, we can't do that.
Sure, we can.
Uh, I wouldn't
go in there if I were you.
The bowl is clogged up
something fierce.
Ugh!
It wasn't her.
No, it was, uh
It was those twins over there.
Eew!
I know.
Creepy, huh?
All right.
It doesn't seem right.
Do you want people
thinking it was you?
- No.
- Okay.
Now, what about me?
I don't wanna be the guy
whose fiancee choked the can.
Let's go.
Timmy!
Can I borrow you
for a little pow-wow?
Pow-wow's funny
'cause he's Indian.
Be right back.
What are you doing?
Chatting up Violet
with whom, I dare say,
I have a lovely connection.
Well, Maya, with him I dare say
I have a lovely connection,
is freaking out
'cause you're not mingling.
Sir, the only reason I'm here
is because of Violet.
Well, if it wasn't for me,
you'd be at home
going all eight-arm God
on your pants puppet!
Now, get out there and mingle!
Okay.
For ten minutes
and not one second more.
- 20.
- 10.
- 15.
- 10.
- 10 and 1 second more.
- Fine.
- Hey!
- Hey!
So you guys saw the baby?
- We sure did.
- Check it out.
- Wow!
Amazing!
What are we looking at here?
That tiny spot right there,
that's our baby.
Oh, I'm so happy for you guys.
Well, prepare
to double your happiness.
Oh! Are you guys
getting a dog too?
No.
The doctor said
it might be twins.
- So exciting!
- I know.
Jeff, I could use a drink.
I could use a scotch
if you're gonna go to the bar.
Wow.
That's, uh, still
as charming as it was
at Nana's funeral.
Wanna come with?
Sure.
So it could be twins, huh?
That's fantastic.
Yeah.
That's what
we're goin' with.
My cousin has twins.
That great baby stroller--
- yes, yes.
Two of everything--I get it!
Whoa.
What's going on?
Sorry.
I'm just
a little freaked out.
You know,
I wasn't expecting twins.
But you seemed so excited
when you came in.
Yeah.
I was pretending
for Jeff.
It's a wife's job.
Fake it for your husband.
When the doctor said
it could be twins,
he was just so happy.
I mean, look at him.
My life's over, dude.
I mean, how are we
gonna handle twins?
Hey, speaking of
See those freaky dudes
over there?
They totally
wrecked the crapper.
Oh, great.
They're reloading.
So why are you so worried
about having twins?
I don't know.
It's hard to point
at any one reason.
Our place is too small.
We'll have to move.
And let's face it,
I'm not getting any younger.
Let's face it.
Jeff's not getting any younger.
And there's also the money.
Twins can be expensive.
No.
That doesn't really
enter into it.
Biggest thing is the money.
I always wanted
to come to a place
where I'd be treated
with dignity and respect.
Hey.
Little more slum dog
on the accent.
See? Look.
He's workin' the room.
OhhThank you so much.
You know, at first
I thought you just
threw this party
'cause you were trying
to get me in bed.
What?
What the what
But who would go
to this much trouble?
Who? I mean,
seriously, who?
Here, drink all of this.
Hey.
You two know where
there's another bathroom?
UmI think
there's one in the lobby.
Good.
'Cause those twins
ruined the one in here.
Oh.
I had not
heard that.
Wow!
It's really getting around.
I feel so bad for those twins.
Okay, look, Jen, if we
didn't pin it on them,
someone else would have.
And right there
in front of me
Was the statue of liberty.
Knowing my long,
arduous journey to a new world
was finally complete,
I broke down and wept with
'Scuse me.
So twins, huh?
Yeah!
- How great.
- It's the best!
The more the merrier, I say.
- Yeah, bring 'em on.
- And the horse they rode in on.
- What?
- I don't know!
I can't do this anymore!
Look, I
I've never lied to you before,
but I'm really worried
about having twins.
Oh, my God!
I'm really worried too!
And you lie to me all the time.
You're worried too?
But you were so excited
at the doctor's.
Honey, I was only acting
excited
'cause you were so excited.
That's what I was doing!
I mean,
I was prepared for oneMaybe.
But the thought of two?
I mean, God, will I be a good
enough parent for two?
Will I have enough time
and energy
and, God, love to give them?
I mean, are those the things
you're worried about too?
Yes.
Those things.
Okay, well
We have to be realistic here.
I mean, this is a possibility.
We're gonna have to
get onboard with it.
Let's look at the, uh,
all the upside.
Twins, uh
Positives about twins.
That's not helping.
Oh, they're leaving.
I feel horrible.
I'm gonna go talk to them.
Just tell 'em to cut down
on the fiber.
All right.
Fresh meat.
Yes.
A bloated
pregnant lesbian.
Line up, fellas.
Why are you guys leaving?
Someone blamed us
for clogging the toilet.
And it's ridiculous.
It's not like we go
to the bathroom together.
Except at home.
Super.
- Hey.
- Hey! Look who's here.
Yeah.
So how's the party?
Good.
Yeah.
You don't have to
use the crapper, do you?
No.
So
Since this whole twins thing
has come up,
I've been a little
freaked out about the whole,
you know, exit strategy.
- Oh, right.
- Me too.
Anyway, look,
I've just been really nervous
about the whole thing,
and I didn't think I could
wait till our next appointment,
so I went back on my own
to find out for sure.
And?
You know what?
I happen to like twins,
and I think other people
do too.
So come on,
will you please stay?
- Sure.
- Okay, why not?
It's not twins!
- We are not having twins!
- Adam, good news!
We're not having twins!
Oh, congrats, man! Whoo!
All right!
Thank God!
Mr.
dunbar, I, uh,
can't seem to locate Violet.
Any idea where she might be?
Oh, yeah.
I told her to scram.
You did what?
Look, I'm on the verge
of closing it with Maya.
She wants you to say
a few words to the crowd.
I need you focused.
Don't be selfish!
Can I have
everyone's attention?
Our newest citizen
has a few words
he would like to say.
Don't forget to thank me.
And if you can work it in
naturally,
mention that I'm rocking
a monster hog.
If you can.
You're right, Maya.
I do have a few words to say.
First off,
I'd like to thank everyone
for being here to support me.
But I would especially like
to thank my boss and friend,
Mr.
Russell dunbar.
In fact,
he's such a generous soul,
I'd like him to have
the first piece of cake.
What?
Ooh, the whole top.
Ahh
I get what's going on here.
In the region of the country
where Timmy comes from
Throwing cake at someone
is the highest form of praise
and honor.
Oh.
Yeah.
So let's hear it for me
a little bit.
SoWhy don't you join me
in honoring
Timmy?
Come on, step up.
Don't be shy.
Don't worry.
Oh!
There we go!
- Aw
- Oh, my God!
This is so much fun!
You threw a great party.
Let's go celebrate.
Come on.
Wait, one second.
Hey! Good news.
I think it's gonna happen.
Welcome to America, buddy.