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(canned applause)
(applause)
You can put your dials back in the seat pockets, thanks.
Yeah, just stick them back in the pockets.
You won't need them anymore.
We're just gonna talk about the show you just saw.
I want to start by talking about
what you didn't like.
Who's got something they didn't like?
Yes? Sir.
Well, first, on the whole, I thought it was terrific.
Much better than it's been in recent years.
(over speaker): Was there something you didn't like?
JORDAN: Commedia dell'arte.
I wasn't wild about the comedy arts...
Commedia dell'arte.
...where the girl played the pantaloon bassoon.
Pantalone bisognosi.
MODERATOR: The French clown?
Italian!
Commedia dell'arte is Italian.
Who cares? He didn't like it.
He didn't get it.
No problem then.
Just give America a tutorial
in 15th century Restoration comedy before each show.
17th century, and Restoration comedy is English.
And what's the guy doing starting off
with "tell me what you didn't like"?
Can I ask,
are you troubled at all about the spectacular lack of success
That's not true.
They blew All in the Family, they blew Seinfeld,
they blew Hill Street Blues.
Look at the data on ER.
Clooney broke the needle.
Yeah, I need a damn focus group to tell me
Clooney's good looking.
There's important information in this data
that needs to get to Matt and Danny.
Can I also say that L.A. focus groups
are the most useless? Listen to them.
Those are unemployed writers and directors in there
who are trying to impress me
'cause they know I'm standing back here.
They're unemployed for a reason
and they'll stay unemployed,
even if they could properly place commedia dell'arte
in 17th century Italy.
There's no other television network
at which this conversation is taking place.
I know.
This focus group data is from New York, Atlanta,
Columbus, Seattle and Phoenix.
You will find it identical
to the data being gathered in there right now.
I want it to get to Matt and Danny.
That we're paying people $40 and a sandwich
to tell us how to do our jobs?
Get off my back, would you?
The tests are great, they love the first show.
88% in the top two boxes.
Christian right's gonna
amp up the heat, but at least we got
bullets in our gun with the sponsors and affiliates.
Then what's the problem?
Look at page seven at the bottom.
"Is Studio 60 patriotic or unpatriotic?"
Split 50-50 right down party lines.
You're surprised?
No, I don't believe that we asked the question.
I don't believe that we asked the question,
and I don't believe we only gave them those two choices
for an answer, and since when did Democrat or Republican
become a demographic distinction we care about
in the entertainment industry?
Since the first plane made a left turn
and gunned its engines into the North Tower, kitten.
I just want to make sure that the guys
remember it's still an extremely polarized country
they're writing for.
They remember.
They remember from the first time
they got the hell beaten out of them.
But I'll take this to them.
Yeah.
Good. Then we're done.
What are you staring at?
My mug shot.
JACK: I've been meaning to ask,
how do you like the job so far?
Welcome to "Science Schmience,"
the game show that tests our players willingness
to stand by what they believe to be true
in the face of irrefutable scientific evidence
to the contrary.
Today's contestants are Schlomo Levy,
a member of the ultra- orthodox Meir Kahane Followers,
Mufti Mohammed, from the Taliban-controlled
border region of Afghanistan,
Cora Rae Barker, a junior from Liberty Bible College
in Lynchburg, Virginia,
Tom Cruise and a witch.
And there'll be animation on top of this.
And find out if Liberty Bible College...
I don't think it's "Bible," I think I'm getting that wrong,
I think it's just Liberty College or University.
You've got to have "Bible" in there.
I don't want anything
in the sketch that's even a little bit wrong.
If it's not Liberty Bible College,
find a sketch that has "Bible" in it.
I mean, find a college that has "Bible" in it.
From the top?
No, just keep going.
Our categories today are World History,
Anthropology,
Meteorology, Geology
and Psychiatry.
We've got the boards lighting,
Change "Psychiatry" to "Medicine."
It'll be the last laugh
we get on that, 'cause if Tom Cruise is up there,
Not necessarily
with my Tom Cruise.
How's it coming?
I can do Ben Stiller and Ben Stiller
can do Cruise, so...
Let me see your Ben Stiller.
(clears throat)
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
'Kay. I don't know...
I don't know, Jack.
Okay, let me see Tom Cruise.
(clears throat): You know, I'm a, uh...
very, very, very... (laughs)
very physical actor.
(laughs): Whoo!
Your Tom Cruise will get better?
Yes.
I can do the whole thing as Holly Hunter if you want.
Would you like it if I spent the rest of the day
Not at all.
(as Holly Hunter): It's hard for me to advise you
since you personify something I truly think is dangerous.
Stop it, now.
DANNY: Can we get her a witch's
hat that isn't two sizes too big?
(normal voice): This is how we're wearing them today.
Our first category is Anthropology.
Cora Rae, this question's for you.
The earliest evidence of man can be dated back to this time.
6,000 years ago when God breathed into a handful of dust
and created Adam, Eve and the Garden of Eden.
TOM: You understand that archeologists
are in possession of
a three-million-year-old human skull found near Johannesburg
which would put your answer
off by 2,994,000 years.
Do you stand by it?
Archeologists can be wrong.
You be they can.
Science Schmience!
And they'll be good and warmed up by then.
Yeah, give me a good look at the first six center rows.
No T-shirts with writing,
Tom.
Schlomo, how old is the earth?
I refuse to answer
that question until the gentile girl covers
her arms, which are an abomination.
I agree with the Jew.
And according to Sharia law,
I could cut off the witch's fingers
for wearing nail polish.
Reasonable positions, both of you,
but let's stick to our game.
Schlomo, the first evidence of man.
Abraham, who lived to 175.
That's right.
Noah lived to 600.
600 years is a pretty long time for a human.
That would be a record by quite some margin.
What say you to the anthropologists who tell us
that early Homosapiens had a life expectancy
of 17 years?
Well, let me ask you this.
Were they there?
Well, argued, sir.
Audience?
Science Schmience!
Okay...
(electrical boom)
What the hell?
We lost power.
You think?
Harriet, you say a word, any word at all
about God not liking to be mocked...
(as Holly Hunter): You know what, I think you're the devil.
And that's lunch.
FLOOR MANAGER: Back in an hour.
It was eight years ago.
I was driving back to the city from Sag Harbor
in the middle of the night and I couldn't find the entrance
to the Long Island expressway.
Saw a police car, I pulled over to ask directions,
the guy gave me a Breathalyzer.
You think if I'd known I was over the legal limit
I'd have pulled over and presented myself
to law enforcement?
It's not like I was partying.
So where were you coming from?
Yeah.
How did it get out, Shelly?
Somebody had the time
and the resources to do a background check?
Yeah, it does.
I don't have a record. The judge gave me a DEJ,
that's a deferred entry of judgment.
I complete an alcohol
diversion program and the court
dismisses the charge-- it's not part
of my record, it doesn't exist.
Does now.
How did they get it?
The same way you got
Danny Tripp's drug test.
Disgruntled ex-boyfriend,
a co-worker, they don't even have to be disgruntled.
The cop who booked you recognizes your picture,
someone else in your alcohol diversion.
You'd be amazed what $500 can buy.
So now you know.
Thieves get rich and saints get shot
and God don't answer prayers a lot.
Where did we get these candles from?
PAs ran out to the store.
Did they go to the Phantom of the Opera House of Crap?
They went to Magicopolis. It's a magic store.
It's down the street.
How are our two new anchors?
I'm scared out of my mind.
Well, you should be.
News 60 has been the centerpiece of the show
for 20 years. Makes or breaks stars
and the show lives or dies with its success or failure.
Plus, Simon, you're the first black anchor
we've ever had.
I meant I was scared of the dark,
but now it's what you just said.
Nah, pairing you two was a good idea.
We're building a fresh set, too.
Do you know where Matt and Danny are?
Upstairs probably.
Tom's gonna work with you a while,
then Ron and I'll come in, then we'll
show it Matt who'll throw everything out
We figured.
Upstairs you think?
Yeah.
Thank you.
Be funny.
Yeah, okay.
Matt..
Well, we need to find out why
this is happening.
Electricity plays a pretty big role
in what we're trying to do.
Matt, you really think it's a good idea
to have Tom overseeing the writing on the news?
Yes.
I'm sorry?
Yes, I think it's wise.
'Cause it's what we usually do.
We can do it for Simon and Harry, too.
No, you can't.
You think there's any chance you might come down off your horse
and stop being pissed at us
for something that happened four years ago and work with us?
Not a big chance, no.
You want us to quit?
Badly.
You think it's gonna happen?
Not a big chance, no.
You need to see me?
And Danny. He's meeting us here.
What's in your hand?
We'll wait till Danny gets here.
We could have a damn séance in this room.
Here we go.
This is from Saturday's Times.
"Four people in Ealing, Missouri
"objected strongly to the local high school's
Why?
Because Rizzo sneaks out the window
at Frenchy's slumber party to go off
Leave it alone.
No, 'cause here's where it gets good.
As a result of the controversy
the school's superintendent has canceled
their planned spring production of
Why?
It casts Christians
Yeah, Salem wasn't
They're replacing it
with A Midsummer Night's Dream.
Have they read A Midsummer Night's Dream?
Everybody swaps partners with everybody
including a man who metamorphosed into a donkey.
Can we leave it alone?
Please?
I understand that.
But we're already doing Science Schmience
a week after we did Crazy Christians, so maybe...
Here it is. You do the intro.
Ealing High School
in Ealing, Missouri after blah, blah, blah
has canceled their planned spring production
of Arthur Miller's The Crucible
saying it casts Christians in a bad light
and replaced it with Shakespeare's
immortal romantic comedy A Midsummer Night's Dream.
Other plays that were considered and discarded
include Damn Yankees for its
comedic portrayal of the devil,
Bye Bye Birdie
for its Elvis-like rock star gyrations...
And, uh, and a, uh
a stage adaptation
of the film AstroGlide ***,
for its depiction of homosexuals
sodomizing each other on crystal ***.
Beat me, daddy, eight to the bar.
Oh, brother.
I don't have to.
God loves me and hates the both of you.
Prove it.
(electricity whirs)
Okay, seriously, I'm scared out of my mind.
Yeah, that was strange.
All right,
moving on.
Cal's guys are trying
to figure out what's going on.
Good, 'cause everything we do here
plugs into a socket.
What do you need?
Jack Rudolph asked us to speak to you
to relay some information.
What are you talking about?
This is focus-group data on last week's show.
Look...
You had to know
they were going to focus it.
They can focus it all they want, but they can't make me care,
Danny...
Get it out of here! This thing's going to get around,
the cast is going to see it.
Everybody's going to lose their brains.
What the hell are you doing being the go-between
for Jack and the show?
I was doing as I was told.
You work for me.
Excuse me, Danny, but you don't
sign my paycheck, the network does.
Mine, too.
Damn, Ron,
I didn't even know you were here.
Get it out of here!
It's all good, okay? It's incredibly good.
88% in the top two boxes-- there was only
one thing Jack wanted you guys to see.
One thing.
They were asked-- and this is five different samples,
by the way, from all over the country.
They were asked if the show
was patriotic or unpatriotic,
and Jack wanted you to see the results.
They were what?
There were asked if it was patriotic or unpatriotic?
Yeah.
It's a television show.
It's not the Iwo Jima Memorial.
Those were the only two choices they were given?
Jack wanted you to see the results.
Get it out of here!
I don't want the cast to see it, the crew,
the critics and mostly, I don't want him to see it.
All right.
No.
What?
I want to see it.
Page seven at the bottom.
What'd you expect it to say?
Hmm?
What did you expect it to say?
This. I expected it to say this.
So what do you care?
I care because Jack put the question in.
Not sales, not marketing, not whatever
Viewer Strategies.
Not Viewer Strategies,
it was Jack telling me I'm not American enough
Actually, it was 50% of respondents telling you
you're not American enough. Throw it out.
They want to see my passport?
They want to see you take fewer whacks at Bush, and it looks
like they're getting their wish, so throw it out.
It's four years ago all over again.
What did you think it was going to be?
Four years later.
And by the way, I'd be happy
to take shots at the Democrats, too,
if only one of them would say or do something.
Can I make a suggestion?
Throw it out.
I'm going back to work.
Good.
What?
What'd you mean by,
"It looks like they're getting their wish?"
To see the show not take so many shots.
They're getting their wish?
Looking at your board, I see one political sketch.
12:55.
The "Dump the Garbage" slot.
Not saying anything.
It's just I can't remember sometimes.
Are you a boy pussycat or a girl pussycat?
You're a boy pussycat.
You're a ***-boy.
Yeah.
You know what else started in the 12:55? "Wayne's World."
Good for them.
You think...
That you're a *** boy?
Ricky and Rod said you rejected every Bush sketch
that got pitched last week.
They would have been
after you got done with them.
I think four years ago
your career flash in front of your eyes.
And?
It wasn't an easy career to come by.
(knocking)
Yeah?
Cal says he's got some word on the power outages
and the stage wants to know when you want the cast back.
I'll talk to Cal, and 30 minutes for the cast.
You need anything?
Matt?
Move the Rumsfeld sketch to the first half hour
get me the staff, a copy of every newspaper
and a transcript of this morning's
White House press briefing, please.
Yeah.
HARRIET: You know what they do in Ealing, Missouri?
SIMON: I know they don't do The Crucible.
Yeah, they don't appreciate Arthur Miller, Sim.
Let's go get 'em.
Bread. They make bread.
It's a company town. There's a Hanover factory there.
They make, slice, package
Jean-o.
Hang on.
"Under proposed legislation, hunters in Wyoming can now carry
"automatic weapons and guns with silencers
"to hunt bears. When asked to comment,
a bear said, "Roar!"
I can be funny while I'm doing it.
No, you can't, and we're not going to Matt
with "and the bear said, 'Roar.'"
TOM: Roseanne Barr is releasing
an album for children.
I flatlined.
What?
How do you know?
Ricky and Ron gave me the dial groups.
It's all good.
And they're crazy about everybody,
but "Commedia Dell'arte" flatlined
and that was my only sketch last week.
You can't look at it.
Well, too late.
It's a great character.
Not according to the people watching it,
but the point is, I guess, that I'm the one
who convinced Matt to do it-- I pitched it,
Jeanie...
and I told him it wasn't going to be ha-ha funny,
but I did say that it was going to be funny
and he believed me.
Did it actually flatline
or are you just...?
I look like an idiot and I made him look like an idiot.
Yeah.
"Boring."
There's a word the networks like to hear.
"Too smart."
That's another word for boring.
"Smart" as a pejorative.
Look at the dials.
She flatlined,
except for one guy in St. Louis and one guy in Atlanta.
Well, I'll have plenty of time to personally perform it
for both of them in their living rooms.
You can't look at it.
It's not the fault
of the focus data, Simon.
You got to catch the ball when you ask for it.
You make more than your share of catches around here.
Damn it!
I don't know what to tell you guys.
Either God's a little sweet on me today,
he doesn't like Simon at all,
or Jeanie, he disapproves of you
sleeping with my ex-boyfriend.
Harry...
She's kidding.
I am, baby.
It's 'cause he doesn't like Simon at all.
Yeah?!
What the hell?
Well, here's the story, Danny.
Last weekend's rainstorm loosened the soil
and a 60-year-old palm tree
fell on a transformer line next to the studio.
Are they fixing it?
What does that mean?
How much about this
As little as possible.
Okay.
Oh.
Electricity problems?
How'd you guess?
Oh, I've got eyes everywhere.
What, they let you out for good behavior?
Make all the funny jokes you want,
but mine was *** eight years ago,
yours was coke two weeks ago.
How'd it get out?
I don't know.
You're in it now.
Like I wasn't in it before.
Will you come with me to see Matt?
How's the news division covering it?
I've asked them not to cover it
any differently than the other networks.
It's not like they were waiting for my permission.
Can I ask on any floor on any corridor
in any office of your building next door
has the possibility been brought up
that your DUI eight years ago
was not news, it's entertainment?
I don't know, but that's why I'm here.
Why?
To make sure you guys are covering it.
I don't want any special treatment.
Well, you're not getting any,
but I can also bet you
that Matt's not planning on writing
Why not?
Tough to locate the humor in drunk driving.
Tough to locate the humor in *** addiction, too,
though, sounds like, given enough time,
you'd have no problem at all.
MATT: What? I'm working!
Oh, sorry. Hi.
I'll be out of your way in a minute.
Sure. What do you need?
She wants us to make fun of her.
Okay, well, you're teeth are pretty big.
She wants you to know it's okay with her
if you make fun of her arrest.
Thanks, I can speak for myself.
My teeth are fine.
I'm saying you shouldn't give me special treatment.
No, 'cause I wouldn't want anyone
to think I was a ***-boy.
You're a ***-boy?
Don't worry about it. I'll be around.
I'll be here trying to be more American.
Throw it out, would you?
You saw the focus data?
Don't worry about it. Come on.
You say "Don't worry about it" a lot.
Yeah. Listen. What are they saying over there?
What does our retention need to be on Friday?
We put up great numbers last week. Run your show.
That was a look-in audience.
Wes, Matt and me coming back, "Crazy Christians."
That was a fake number.
What percent do we need to retain this week?
To do what?
To keep you out of trouble.
That's nice.
What percent, Jordan? What are they saying?
Don't worry about it.
(audience laughing)
AUDIENCE: Science Schmience!
(cheering)
Tom Cruise, what causes depression?
Have you studied the history of psychiatry?
I have not.
Well, then you don't know what you're talking about!
I haven't said anything.
Well, now you're just being glib.
Don't misunderstand. I like the certainty
that the entire international medical community is wrong,
but I'm gonna need an answer.
We're in the middle of dress rehearsal.
I know, but Matt's already posted the final board.
Yeah, we got our show.
We don't have a sketch on this week.
You and a lot of other people.
Yeah, it happens
a little more with Matt though, doesn't it?
Well, he didn't take the job
to be a traffic cop, he took it to write.
Well, he took it 'cause he had to.
No, I took it 'cause I had to.
He took it voluntarily.
Can I help you?
Can we cut to the chase?
Yeah, if it were up to me, we'd even cut the chase.
What problem do the two of you have with the two of us
and when is it going to stop?
Whoa, whoa, first of all,
Matt and I are two separate people.
Don't paint us with the same brush.
Matt has a problem with you.
I'm completely indifferent towards you.
Was that supposed to be funny?
Danny...
Bill Maher, he made
a politically incorrect observation on his own show,
helpfully titled, Politically Incorrect
and the sky fell down on him.
Matt was one of the first guys to take up his side,
so the sky fell down on him.
When AP asked you for a reaction quote,
do you remember what you said?
It was more than four years ago, Danny.
I have no earthly idea what I said.
Ron...
You said, "Matt Albie certainly doesn't speak
"for the cast crew and staff of Studio 60,
"whose thoughts and prayers were with the brave men and women
who lost their lives on September 11th."
See? He got it word for word.
Were Matt's thoughts and prayers
not with the brave men and women
who lost their lives on September 11th?
It was 9/11.
Everyone was out of their friggin' minds.
And by the way, I'm the one pushing the Bush sketches.
Yeah, I imagine now that the President's approval rating
is seven guys in Tupelo, Mississippi,
the water feels a little safer.
Anyway, he asked a question, so...
And how long is this going to go on?
That's entirely up to him.
He needs us and you know it, too.
Nobody can write 90 minutes of television every week
by themselves-- he'll be dead by his his sixth show.
And when that happens,
I'm sure you'll be ready to take his job.
I got to go in.
(laughter)
Is it possible that Haji here and I
are the two least-crazy people on this panel?
It's a pretty tight race on my scorecard, Schlomo.
Cora Rae...
Good evening.
Jack. Shelly. This can only be good news.
Nah, it's nothing.
Shelly's drafted a brief but courteous statement
for the shareholders.
I need you to sign off on it.
We can't use the same brief but courteous statement
I gave to NBS Sunrise,
NBS Nightly News, CNBS and FN-NBS?
It should be different for the shareholders.
It's gotten pretty mangled in the last 48 hours.
The Post has a picture of me in New York last May
at one of the parties for the Upfronts.
I'm holding a dirty martini, rocks, two olives
and the caption says the arrest occurred
"hours after this picture was taken at Cipriani."
The picture was taken five months ago.
The arrest was eight years ago,
and the restaurant I'm standing in is 21.
This is fine.
It's just one of those things
that's reached a critical mass.
At least I hope it has.
He means it's a lot easier to play defense if we know
Well, I didn't know this was coming.
You should have.
You can send this out now.
I think you know how The Smoking Gun
got tipped to the DUI.
A guy named Ryan Mulrooney?
When I was 25, we were married for nine months.
I pay him alimony.
Or I did until the court said I didn't have to anymore.
That's something you didn't mention
during any of your five interviews for this job.
Can you blame me?
He's found a new
source of income.
A $500 tip-off?
No, he's shopping a book.
What are you talking about?
Confessions of a Network Husband:
My life with Jordan McDeere.
Do you need a minute?
No. When did this happen?
Shelly's been putting the pieces together.
He's been taking stories
to the gossip guys in the hope
he'll generate some heat for the publishers.
If not, he'll self-publish.
What does that mean?
He'll put it on the Internet
and charge for people to read it.
Is it going to be worth paying for?
Yeah.
He wanted me to go to clubs with him.
What kind of clubs?
Golf,
Hey! Jordan.
The kind where you watch other people having sex.
I was 25. I married a slug.
So did my wife, but I don't make her
You make her go
to the People's Choice Awards, that's not bad enough?
You think this is the right time
to adopt a playful attitude?
I think it's my pants everyone's standing in
and I'll adopt whatever attitude gets me through the day.
Yeah. All right.
You're right.
First thing Monday, you sit down with Shelly,
your lawyer and our lawyer
and you tell them every detail you can think of.
Okay, but there's going to need to be an open bar.
And keep the whimsy.
Jack?
Yeah?
What percent of Studio 60's audience
do I need to retain
to keep playing tough with the Christian right?
You need to retain 90% to keep playing at all.
Good dress!
It'll be another good show.
How important is the ratings drop-off gonna be?
Don't worry about it.
Well, that's good enough for me.
What?
Let Ricky and Ron off the hook.
No, I don't think I have to do that.
You know what?
A hundred years ago Gary Marshall rewrote an episode
of Happy Days or something
and kept their name on it and they won an Emmy.
They've been eating lunch off it ever since.
I think Ricky and Ron were about ten
when Happy Days was on, but I get the idea.
Use them anyway.
'Cause you're gonna burn out.
I'm not.
Then do it 'cause I'm smarter than you
and I'm asking you nicely.
The drop-off-- you think inside 10%, 90% retention?
Don't worry about it.
(knocking)
You should be downstairs.
No, Matt, you gotta take it down off the board.
What are you talking about?
She saw the focus data
Oh, man. This is exactly why...
You can't keep it in the show, Matt.
There were three sketches that got bigger laughs at dress,
which isn't saying much because "Commedia" got no laughs.
Which means it's not that kind of funny.
Or it's not funny at all and I'm dragging the show down.
Can we have this conversation
moving?
I flatlined.
"Boring" was a word that was used to describe it.
Some people just don't get Moliere parodies.
He's right, even though Moliere
was a French playwright from a different century
who had nothing to do with Italian commedia dell'arte.
It's an acquired taste, Jeannie,
but once you acquire it, it's like barrel-smoked whiskey.
I don't know.
I may have just made it up.
What gets smoked in barrels?
Scotch is whiskey.
It's Scotch whiskey.
Look...
How can you think Moliere,
who wrote in rhyming couplets,
was even remotely connected...
You're wrong about that. He does have a connection.
Idiot boys!
She's talking to us?
Yeah.
I flatlined.
Nobody liked it.
That's not true.
One guy in St. Louis and one guy in Atlanta.
Could you please be serious?
Look at me.
The network's doing another dial group tonight because,
well, because they just can't help themselves.
They're doing it during the live show,
so we'll have the results
roughly the same time we have the ratings.
The focus group is made up entirely
of people who saw last week's show.
The two people who liked it
last week is gonna go up to three.
That one person is going to represent
an additional 500,000 viewers.
If it doesn't go up to three,
I'm gonna give you $10,000 cash.
That serious enough?
If the two doesn't go to three,
I give you $10,000.
If it does, you have to wear a T-shirt at the wrap party
that says, "Matt is my hero
and Danny thinks Moliere was Italian."
I'm having wardrobe
make the shirt right now.
Matt...
Commit to it. You're gonna feel a strong instinct
to make it bigger-- fight that with everything you got.
No comedian you admire has ever been afraid of silence.
Yeah.
Don't forget
to breathe before you go out there.
Hey, you know what worked at dress?
Yeah.
The school play, the whole run,
and it was all you-- I didn't even touch it.
We want to cut it.
We want to cut it.
Why?
Because we're just that stupid.
Somebody tell me what's going on?
It's a funny joke, but it's not a good joke
Okay.
Ealing is a town of fewer than 4,000 people.
More than half the adult population
work in the Hanover Bakery plant, and the average income
is $18,000 a year.
or roughly the same thing I'll be paid
to perform this show tonight.
Why are we making fun of them?
"Crazy Christians," "Science Schmience,"
Bush and the Republicans, that's all fair game.
That's hypocrisy and power.
These guys are just trying to raise their kids.
Why can't the school do whatever play it wants?
You let her win this argument?
She can makes the lights go on and off by herself.
That's true.
When you find yourself losing one of these,
shout my name-- I will come.
She was my girlfriend for a while.
I'm very good at demonstrating to her
that she's always wrong.
SIMON: She's not this time,
and it's our first shot
at the desk, so...
All right. What are you gonna fill it with?
New legislation in Wyoming will allow bear hunters
to carry automatic weapons with silencers.
When asked to comment, a bear said, "Roar!"
You know she's gonna make it work.
I know.
We're cutting the Ealing High School joke from News 60.
Because they make bread or something.
Anybody else have anything funny they want to cut?
Tell me the truth.
You've talked to them, tell me the truth.
How important is audience retention tonight?
It's important, Matt. We can't lose more than 10%.
What do you think? The sponsors, the affiliates, the press,
the right, our job, Jordan's job, everybody's job
It's important.
All right, lie to me next time.
That's what I'm saying.
All right! Huddle up!
Ten minutes to air. Ten minutes please.
(band playing)
ANNOUNCER: Live from Studio 60
on the Sunset Strip,
it's Friday night in Hollywood.
with Harriet Hayes, Simon Stiles,
Tom Jeter.
Jeannie Whatley. Alex Dwyer.
Dylan Killington. Samantha Li.
With musical guest Gwen Stefani
and guest host Rob Reiner.
Ladies and gentlemen, Rob Reiner!
(cheering)
Thank you!
Thank you very much.
Thank you!
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Welcome to The Nicholas Cage Show.
I am Nicholas Cage.
JEANNIE: ...Panteloni Bisognosi.
I shall hereby dedicate the very bile
that courses through these veins to conquer this demon
as I conquered the League of Cognac
in the Sack of Rome.
Nobody here has any idea
what you're talking about.
...in the current issue of Gay Husband Monthly. Simon?
Roseanne Barr is releasing an album for children.
We don't have a joke here.
We just mention this as a public service warning to parents.
At the UN today,
Secretary General Kofi Annan
called on participants at a Mid East conference
for an immediate ceasefire and...
(applause)
Here we go.
One up.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Gwen Stefani.
(cheers, applause)
Get in the hole!
Get in the hole!
Get in the hole!
TOM: Now I'll take your questions. Yes, David.
SIMON: Sir, what is the White House response
to Republican Congressman Robert Ivers plea
for a plan that would withdraw the troops from Iraq?
I have great respect for Congressman Ivers, which is why
we're surprised to hear him taking a position
shared by Michael Moore. Judy.
And what about Senator Richmond no longer
supporting the president's position on...
TOM: Cora Rae, what caused Hurricane Katrina?
JEANNIE: Warm, moist air rising to high-altitude winds, along with
differences in air pressure, or "pressure gradients."
(buzzer)
No, I'm sorry, that's incorrect.
We were looking for
"Secularists eroding God's protective shell over America."
Tom Cruise.
...boys and girls, bringing you
the candy apple flavor flav to your fly three-wheeler,
hydraulics for the big wheel and funky speakers
for your Huffy custom.
Thank you! Thank you, everyone!
Thank you, Gwen Stefani!
From the cast and the crew...
from Matt Albie, Danny Tripp... Thank you!
Thank you, everybody!
Good night!
We love you! Good night!
Hey, we're down on the West Coast.
(kiss)
Hi.
Hi.
You were great tonight.
Mm, I had some timing problems.
Did you?
Have we met?
No, I'm crashing the party.
How'd you get in?
Look at me.
Good point.
So how long does it usually take you
to get over your "timing problems"?
(laughs): A little while.
But it was nice meeting you.
MAN: Danny! Danny!
Could you sign this for me?
Sure.
Hey, good show.
Are they in yet?
Are they in yet?
Do you see me standing near a fax machine?
I see you standing
by a concierge desk of a hotel.
I didn't immediately put it together that...
The West Coast just came down two minutes ago.
Then it gets electronically routed through some...
central computer that... I don't know.
Oh, I can tell.
Jack gets them before me. They'll fax it here.
(sighs)
I'm sorry about the stupid thing I said in your office.
About the drugs.
30,000 people died in car fatalities last year.
17,000 of them weren't wearing seat belts.
What does that have to do with anything?
No, it's just, you read it all the time.
Two guys in a car, one's wearing a seat belt,
the other one isn't, they're doing 60 down Mulholland
they blow into a telephone pole.
The guy wearing the seat belt's got
two bruised ribs, cut on his forehead.
And the guy without the seat belt gets decapitated.
I'm sure you were.
I'm just not as sure that everyone else
on the Long Island Expressway was.
When I put
a life in danger, it's my own.
Anyway, I appreciate your
standing up for "Crazy Christians."
I know you only did it to get Matt and me back
and I know it's what's keeping you in trouble.
I didn't do it to get you and Matt back,
and the Christian right isn't why I'm in trouble today.
I'll see you outside.
You know, you...
look like one of them, but you talk like one of us.
You know, I did Midsummer Night's Dream
in the park two summers ago.
You think they know in Ealing, Missouri
that the play's about a bunch of people
who basically take ecstasy
and all sleep with each other?
I was Helena.
I was there.
(as Holly Hunter): "So I,
"admiring of his qualities:
"Things base and vile, holding no quantity,
"love can transpose to form and dignity.
What ho, Puck!"
I knew I'd get you.
I knew you'd get me, too.
Matthew, you gotta see that the focus group stuff
doesn't get out to the cast anymore.
That shouldn't have happened.
Danny talked to Ricky and Ron. I'm sorry about that.
How does it work? Who does it?
Yeah.
They contract it out.
NBS uses a group called Viewer Strategies.
And they make up the questions?
Yeah, but then anybody
can feed them questions they want answered.
Jack, Jordan, Sales, Promo--
Danny and I can ask questions.
If I want to know what people think of...
What people think of what?
Excuse me.
(grunting)
I'm three years younger
and I'm faster than you, old man.
I'm three years older
and I'm stronger than you, little boy.
You put the question in there!
Why?!
Because it worked!
It's not gonna be like it was four years ago.
I won't let it happen.
After what you did for me,
I won't let it happen.
Are people looking at us right now?
I think they are.
Well, could you punch me in the face or something,
'cause to a casual observer
this appears a little homoerotic for my comfort.
I definitely hear you on that.
Get off of me.
All right, just play it cool.
Yeah.
I think this is what you're waiting for, Ms. McDeere.
Do you remember Vernon Williams?
Yeah.
Poor guy's gotta keep calling us on his cell phone
because his station lines are jammed with angry calls.
497 tonight.
Oh, God, Jack, Terre Haute didn't even
carry the show tonight.
Why the hell are the callers complaining?
Because Terre Haute didn't carry the show tonight.
Audience retention?
Did we stay inside 90%?
We actually did a little better than that?
We retained 109% of last week's audience.
Five-seven in the households,
19 share, three-one in the demo.
And then some.
It was our biggest Friday night in 14 years.
Go ahead and spread the word.
We built by nine percent over last week,
including a point and a half in the demo.
(kissing)
Thank you.
What the hell happened to the two of you?
He is a Machiavellian control freak
who purposely and premeditatedly...
I don't care.
Harriet!
It's going well.
Yeah.
What are you thinking?
That we both know the same thing.
What's that?
There's only one direction this story can go from here.
♪ Tonight you're mine... completely ♪
(indistinct conversation)
♪ You give your love so sweetly ♪
♪ Tonight the light of love is in your eyes ♪
♪ Will you still love me tomorrow ♪
♪ Is this a lasting treasure ♪
♪ Or just a moment's pleasure? ♪
♪ Can I believe the magic of your sighs, ooh-ooh ♪
♪ Will you still love me tomorrow ♪
♪ Tonight with words unspoken ♪
♪ You say that I'm the only one ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
♪ But will my heart be broken, I don't know ♪
♪ When the night meets the morning sun? ♪
♪ I'd like to know that your love ♪
♪ Is a love I can be sure of, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
♪ So tell me now and I won't ask, I won't ask again ♪
♪ Will you still love me... ♪
♪ Tomorrow... ♪