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Hello and welcome to this edition of "How to survive a zombie apocalypse"
(80s music)
First thing you're going to want to do is to turn on your TV or radio
to see if a zombie apocalypse is, indeed, affecting your area
Because going outside to check could have disastrous results
(screaming and zombie noises)
(squishing sound)
If you happen across an unconscious victim, check for a pulse
If they have one, but are not breathing, press down on the jaw
to check and see if there is a foreign obstruction
If a foreign obstruction is present, they are S.O.L.
Because no matter what happens
do not ever stick your fingers into the mouth of a potential zombie victim
Which brings me to our next point:
What to do if the person close to you gets bitten by a zombie
Step one: load weapon
(gun cocking)
Man: WHAT?!
Woman: Step two: shoot said person in the head
Girl: Aw, come on, don't run! I promise it'll be quick!
(gunshot)
Girl: Dang, he was fast, but I got him.
Woman: When shooting a zombie, always have proper eye protection
because getting their blood in your eyes or your mouth
can result in accidental infection
Girl: WHAT?!
(gun cocking)