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alright looks like we're live
okay welcome to another edition of talking relationships with Kurt Smith
myself
we've got a couple people that have joined us so far and a few more
are probably going to come in as I talk for the first few minutes so as in previous
hang outs I'm gonna do a little bit of an intro on our subject and kind of lay some
groundwork for us to talk about
today's topic which is can we make someone love us
and more specifically I'm going to try to answer the question how to make someone
love you
so we'll dig a little bit deeper into that and then we'll get some discussion going
from the panel so
looking at that question how to make someone love you commonly when we're
struggling with that we
really want to focus on the reasons why somebody doesn't love us and
there's multiple
parts that we need to look at we need to look at our our own part our partners
part as well as both of our parts together and in the previous hang out one from a
few weeks ago the loving someone
who doesn't love you I discuss some of the reasons there you might wanna
go back and look at that to get a more better idea
of some of the reasons more specifically but we're gonna focus on today is
the part that we play in it and what we can do about that
and that's a really important piece to remember is that we have a part in this
its often
we're commonly focused on the other person and looking at what they're doing
or not doing as far as loving us and we want to see what we can
control to make them love us
instead of focusing on what we really have control over which is ourselves
so we're gonna start with just kinda looking at
the question of how and before we can answer how
to make someone love you we need to answer the question can we
and the real answer about being able to make someone love you is we really can't
we're looking to have control over someone else we often can't
but we can influence them and that's what we're going to really look at today is
ways that we can influence the other person our partner and how they might
they can love us more the way we're looking to be loved
so we need to understand the difference in the control there that we
can influence but we can't control it and actually make them
so what can you do how can you make someone love you
first thing you can do there's three things I'm gonna outline here is that we
need to look at ourselves and see how we can be more loving
a common complaint I hear from a lot of people in counseling is that they just
don't
they're focused on the other person they don't feel like the person's
meeting their needs
and often times they're not willing to look at themselves and see how they might be
contributing to that so we'll
focus first on ourselves and look at how we might be able to be more loving to our
partner
which can be difficult because when we feel like we're not being loved back
we oftentimes don't want to give the love but a relationship needs to be fed
and it requires that we don't make our love conditional and oftentimes people
will do that they'll withhold their love until they're getting the love back
which creates a a catch-22 because the other person is
is kinda oftentimes doing the same thing so the first thing we do is look at
ourselves and see how we might be able to be more loving
the second thing we can do is look at how we might be able to be
more lovable and a lot of times this is a difficult thing to do is to actually
look at ourselves in the mirror and see how we might actually be contributing to
the problem
because often we really want to focus on the other person again but if we look at
ourselves and
and really give an honest assessment of what we're doing in the relationship
and how we might be able to change some things to be able to be a bit more lovable
oftentimes we'll find some things and
just to give you a few ideas of some of the things I hear in counseling
that people bring up a lot of times they'll talk about their partner being critical
sometimes the person's self care how they're taking care of themselves can be
something that makes the partner feel that they're not lovable
and they can be more considerate so oftentimes thinking about the other
person's needs can make a big difference
in making ourselves more lovable so first one we can
work on being more loving the second one we can work on being more lovable
and then the third thing we need to do is we need to not accept
not being loved and this is a real tricky one because a lot of people
mistakenly accept not getting loved and stay in a relationship
when they really shouldn't we're going to focus on there because that's really the part
that we really can influence some control
and have some power in the relationship is
our refusal to accept not being loved so
how to make someone love you starts with beginning to
not accept not getting the love and we need
to recognize that we deserve to be loved and
expect that in the relationship from a partner
there can be some negotiation has to take place so that we
figure out how to meet each other's needs but just that
underlying idea that we deserve the love is really an important thing that we need to
believe
oftentimes there's opportunities to set limits
have boundaries and consequences for our participation in the relationship when we're
not getting the love back
and that's a place where a lot of people struggle with how to do that
and in a future hangout we'll get into more details about some ways to
actually implement that
but again the focus needs to be on ourselves and what we can change
not on what the other person needs to change that can happen after we've
worked on ourselves so how to make someone love us begins with us
and focusing on ourselves so we're gonna open up and talk about this in a little bit more
detail got a couple people that are on here
and it looks like they're both mobile so
I'm gonna throw out to Regina first and we'll just test and see how
however ideas work in
hud houses County does pretty good
so this this topic I've had love someone
or how to make someone love you I am thoughts about some things that I a
shared their if you can hear all the
the point I'm a
do you have yourself a muted
Ariel hey it's Mike that matter alright
have where black I agree with what you said
you can make someone love you
what you can do you is troll your stealth
are outmanned jew where me react
negatively or positively I
how force quit you are
how forceful next step is is about more which mean by forceful
forceful in Europe shoes please speak to him
wat you are aggressive towards them I don't like a batter crest
est I just me more on the long flight you're the one that initiated
I Gravina and all are trying to snuggle up on the couch
and nap part B
arrest or eight you may be the total oxygen scary
you don't do anything you want someone else to make those decisions
or right good point the meanest
it made me suggest a little bit of a different word choice sometimes we use
words are the best
looked strong aggressive maybe we can change that too assertive that may be
assertive might be a little bit
something that might be a look at your September people might feel a bit more
open to
I agree with aggressive but sometimes those words can be a little bit strong
for people so I would just
change that is clear that with me more certif
that work okay okay yes works right
okay alright so akaka back in just a sec it lets me
to open up let Wendys sharing a thought twenty have I'm just at the top of the
whole or anything that I
pointed out already well on the topic
Kurt bean more lovable
you know I think one of the challenges for a lot of people or at least for me
is being authentic being real about who you are
armed you know so I think that for me
the key you know would be to figure out who I am and what I really wants
okay arm and then act ill act in line with that
I may be real with the other person anyway real about who you are not
try and pretend to be somebody that you aren't
in order to try and get the other person to love you because they just you know
if you're faking it
to get this person to be in a relationship with you then it just
really doesn't seem like it's something that's
you know I has a foundation that's based on trust a reality or whatever you wanna
call right
racer so you know for me the first step would be
identifying who I am what I want and how I'm gonna
expressed that to the other person in the relationship in trying to be
more lovable okay are isometric a minute
use that is little bit nervous have a Segway so you bring up a really good
point that we can go a lot different directions with
but that idea that we need to be authentic
really be ourselves I wanted to ask a question i've
a what examples you guys have seen other people do as far as how they try
to get the other person to love them and that would be one would be to change
themselves in some kinda way try to accommodate some kinda way that will
make them
more lovable and and that the problem with that is that the
really compare a super slow or you're just gonna spin on we'll
always chasing after something that you're you never really going to region
is just not something that's really sustainable so that's a really good
example other thoughts evolve ways that people
all make attempts to try to get the other person to love them
haha bribery course I
yeah Oregon mean yeah %uh
threats yeah I you know unfortunately I mean those are not have those are
effective
I think that as our way that I have seen people you know
playing the part Victor like ok detailed
won't be able to make it without you right knee eat you
or kill is a huge what I think that people use you to pay any guilt trip on
the other person in order to get them to stay
I mean those aren't really specific country concrete examples a fact that
just general
yell thoughts yeah well let me take a couple other so the bribery or the
threats and no items were here like bribery were thinking of money
and which can happen my money is a as an instrument that stuff just power in
relation helps
a butt sex can be another way that bribery threats can
can be used and even just ending the relationship and how
you you get this many being that your candidate the end of the process with
with handling divorces but oftentimes in counseling with couples
I find that they use just the threat of separation or divorce
as wage you person particularly get them to stay in the relationship
when when that really not satisfied in it so
right definite on GS thoughts
about or are things that you've seen about ways people
I'll try to get the other person love them
0 a lot just I as this
its I'll or this
say a that its step
picture 18 years lights
it its or I
movement way hard to hear
yeah yeah the sound get all wonky over
did you guys hear me okay I'm gonna go over to Cynthia
an iraqi I can hear you sing here yeah so we're talking about
it now how to make someone love us on how you can make someone love you
and we're just kinda getting some examples that people seen
outweighs the people do that so when he was talking about bribery and threats
thoughts about things you see people do wouldn't when the other person is 11
a.m. in there trying to get
that led out of them I'm
positions I mean they out there with damn
give them whatever they ask for go okay
and Siam I can see you guys there you can't
ha okay alright I can see you she gave me
crew yeah I can see you I G you look like
comment click back over to you
now hidden in the fridge for his/her I
nevermind I their year she said yeah
yeah we just saw you get in the fridge a rare yeah
but I
ok on what I was trying to stay a place that ok
more hand
island itself now boy you just froze again
alright simply have anything else you wanna say
I wear and then he would be I had to
make the other person very eerie dependable
re: you so you can have control I'll
just yep that's really good that's a really good point
you know control or something I was gonna bring up a bit earlier kinda
weaves its way through all the things that were kinda talking about and that's
at a common one that really underlies this problem one is the expectation that
we can control the other person
which isn't really true and then how control is actually exercised
and in the relationship to do things like what you just
just talked about to your jelous at the lab or to keep the person in the
relationship
so control really is kinda something that is a common theme through this
alright I am when you any other thoughts
on Yale those are pretty much my thoughts and true okay love
I'm a if Italian
what you're doing with yourself %uh you know when you're ready I have some other
thoughts on
be more lovable towards the other sure go ahead and go to their
well arm you know obviously does
a be more lovable towards your partner you know starts with respect and mutual
trust and all of those great things
you know one thing that I've read about and I think there's a
book that speaks to it it's a you know it's like the five languages lovers
right like that by bloodline
yes there there you go yeah and I think you know
I'll that talks about what
parties need in the relationships for them to feel satisfied
you know so maybe in thinking about what your partner needs to feel
more love you should talk to that person to think about
you know what means the most to them as the active service is it being physical
is it worth affirmation what are the things that they need to feel more like
not necessarily what is it that you want to do that you think makes them feel
more loved
really good point very fine actors back to the first when I was mentioned as
being more loving and really
and also being considered at the other person because you write that that's
about what the other person wants and needs other relationship not what we
think that what
need and so ride love languages are great great wanted to mention
uncommonly people picked knows just kind of off the top of my head when they hear
them and they aren't always have the right one pic so
a its it's helpful to actually be able to bridge
there's resources are available to related that when he's talking about a
book called The five love languages by Gary Chapman
and two really good book talks about others five languages there
that we typically a express love and
she had on a couple other one is active service the second one is physical touch
there's one his words about formation fourth one is quality time in the last
one
is guest and typically we all have a couple that were
are our primary languages and the problem is they're often try to let the
other person in our language when they
have a love language that's different than that so
for instance my wife's love languages gifts which is
not my head not language I hand so
I have to really make an effort to love her in that language
a even though it is it one that comes natural for me my language that comes
natural
its axis service and that's not her language stuff I try to lover
in my language she often times doesn't feel loved
so that's a great point there about how to well we can influence not control
how we can't make somebody but we can influence the relationship
a by being aware of that how the other person my experience love so it's really
good point
in a hearing all day is I wonder how I have been married for so many
he is I India my all makes
near outcry you know any ways the
current I but in the
at that I N I knew that's what I wanted you know somebody to
give me a defamation somebody to buy you meet with him
despite my flaws in for my ***
im that may happen you know it so
when I we shouldn't you be I'd play only
hot redhead they I yeah
where all learning and that's the whole point of this man land use myself an
example I've
everything I teach after practice at home
and that example I gave up the lead languages is a tough one that I have to
implement
like I said the the gifts is not my natural language so I really have to
make an effort
I don't think in its any man's natural language getting guests
I an issue with my ex I mean he didn't believe him but the TV will be leaving
Chris Matthews meaning
anything that him in to give somebody else a gift
okay in for me it didn't have to be a geek name but you know
its lower it not I think they remember the day
but you believe in those things but it you know
I'm she do now I mean you remember your wife okay
yeah but I mean I mean
in add these mean happy I'm wrong idea about giving gifts to see it
I'm the accusations fiction me he thought he had to be a big
cemented yes to be no right
now very point does and when we hear things like guess that's the danger of
these
other these love languages and just taken based on that phrase that
describes them
guess a can be really small things everyone thinks they're that idea is
that when I'm
grocery shopping and yes I do some grocery shopping I I want more but then
she does I miss honestly
I'm I'm thinking in their specific things that she wants and needs even
though it may not be on the list
and Camille little things just like that they can be a gift it's really about
thinking about the other person
and that's part the way you express the love it just comes in the form
out something tangible it doesn't have to be a diamond ring
or trip to Hawaii or something really expensive and self that some
as a really good point rain on so going back to what you just said about you
know having
either regrets or just learning so much here then again we're all learning here
so it's it's a work in progress
unemployment rates and a house committee is mad I
should I anyway it's been a homebody
well what's what stood out to you as we've just been talking last few minutes
the you're thinking back about the previous relationship and risk your
sweat
your where you said about giving an official estimation
I look at that I it was
US the the other way around i mean you know
I wanted to do stats like height for example when did it involved in politics
you know getting bolder
I in the campaign in Afghanistan after he would commit
who is a your not to waste of time me it was gonna do that the it was gonna maybe
never done it they can't grab
in our sanity and Afghanistan so
at I think that in anything another way of lobbying and appears in n/a
give them hundreds to encourage standard
to decal NB e1b one
could be you know with it it where they like to do I'm
in exiting that okay I'm sorry I keep putting my summary
sample but I don't have any I to write
and we're all a certain
our best example so talk about results both the good and the bad as
is as hell for a think he had another really good point with
with talking about your previous relationship in that that inequity that
oftentimes happens in relationships particularly when we're trying to get
the other person to love us
she is a red flag that often times were were ignoring
and and the idea of focusing on ourselves a par that also is being a
where are those red flags
there's clues all over the place that we can see if not pay enough attention to
sometimes we need help
going somebody like myself who can be more objective and see some things that
we may not be able to see ourselves but there's
there's clues all over the place and just do what you just described that
it sound like there is an equity there there was more about meeting where he
wanted in the relationship then it was
yours and there needs to be a give-and-take there needs to be some
balance to that
it done and oftentimes in relationships when we're trying to make it a person
love us
we're not recognizing that red flag that there's a big problem here the
relationship because
we had that inequity going on Celtic
and that's a big one so I appreciate you sharing that that's I'm sure a lot
people can really relate to that
kid when you have a 61% share
well said the question that that raised her maker is
you know when you have this inequity which I have had in
relationships you know how does a person a value a when it's time to just like
nip it in the bud and cut your losses
yeah I me that that was a hard thing for me
a long time yeah
you know on and I think especially I was with that some different points but some
people who were not the most mature partners so you know one minute they say
yes I love you and they'd act like it the next minute they wouldn't
it is I was like a yo-yo back and forth always
and you know I think that I in many cases hold on way too long so when there
is the inequity what
in how does a person it look at that evaluate
to rip at the really good question I one thing I would say about that is that
often times we have a tendency to
to be ignoring that question completely and then we are focused on it we're
basically ready to pull the plug
and there's a graduation a gradual growth that can happen
during their that where setting on
weren't work we're calling our partner out on things that are happening
we're setting boundaries and limits and consequences like I mentioned earlier
I love for them not meeting a our needs for them not loving us
that ultimately can lead to ultimately ending the relationship but oftentimes
people
go from this can stick in your head necks and in ignoring it or making some
tight amps but just not
a getting enough I
enough pain of consequence enough a
jeanne was using aggressive and I want to change that earlier too assertive
being assertive enough
and and setting boundaries about their needs not being met and oftentimes
go with accepting their not be met all the way to
okay I'm just done with this relationship and that's a common thing
that I
I see people doing is that they don't record I said there's lot a gray area in
there where you can be said is about which actually can change the
relationship
oftentimes reason other person doesn't change is there have to
we know it but fresh Ron them for their us to stay in the relationship
that they need to change or we're going to to step out a bit and so the dow
so I'm got it yet naked in a case was
I'm I lost myself
the winner it's good that's good for a test I lost myself because
I am okay he wasn't even a defamation he was aiming currently me but I was doing
all that
in in my mind I thought that was in %uh
put to keep the relationship going because was making
doing all those things for him made me happy
but then you get to that point and that makes pat your right
right to end it what about me right is way we realize
you lost yourself you don't get your identity is
pre-match damage any that's what happened to me because
when when we realize the average it was all very
week on an outing everything I for myself
her getting to know myself again because I
unite I didn't know while I get in or what I wanted to do it in a wet track
really make me happy
I had to learn over it I didn't have friends because of mismanagement
ultimately he is right I'm making new friends
so it if not I'm is very easy
to lose yourself when I'm you think at that time
my doing all those things for the better it's going to be an *** to keep that
relationship going
known I think they didn't big mistake
yeah but nobody s it is and it makes it
guide many Watson it is described as eat
fairly common because I have found myself in that exact same situation
you know where one day I realize Who Am I way why what what I like and then when
the relationships over like I have no friends that I can't even cry on their
shoulders because
I've been sewing Grosset & partner yellow its
you know simply described exactly what I've experienced on more than one
occasion
my I have to say that enough pains
nope is good go ahead alright
I need i mean very I am
get very selfish I
men ongoing wars that saw the men I've got okay me know you get government is
not a good look
been constantly meet somebody took another you know your gray
you are has the I mean
it could be a very needy even I
you know I only dated our one Appalachian
I mean one guy I'm a reading that was me X
ok if boyfriend Mike says everything in and got married
high school so how did everything in May for twenty-some years when I
year and like I said I was lost my piano myself but didn't know who he was
me it's really not some you need to go see other people going how another
and I'm had common factor file
you guys I you chose one all the attention
I really I can remember are maybe I'm just not
in the right girl there are people here on an hour
well i'd you because I'm about to
and did you find in mammary I
alright well since it's two against one let's get when you go to your
I Wendy so our men really need me
no I mean I'll I think that it just depends on the man and I think it
depends on the woman I mean I T
you know I know I'm really media time that I've been meeting in the past and I
dated a lot Its jerks you know but all it took was one guy who was a good guy
you know in he is a you know I hope that he's my for ever
but he was different than all the other guys you know I have faith and I have
hope for you sent the %uh that
you know I don't you come across that guy who's is not selfish because I don't
think that all of them are my
my husband is really kind and giving it quits his knee
for my needs a bus his Lake I would suggest time
yeah I'm okay lucked out I lucked out its
I so it is possible there are there are few out there
there are for sure no min away I
I guess not I guess I just have to wait I mean
that I'm you know i'm not i'm looking bad have been told that our
it happens when you listen spec that's our I don't really know I'm not really
and it's going out with a bow and a minute I
I haven't seen many our when I seen so far is not going to eat
I okay well that's not all this out there I'm sure there's there's probably
a lot people are watching this that are going to have a similar experience to
you
one of things that I find is that I'm we
II our experiences oftentimes very limited by the people that we've been
exposed to
and often has were exposed to certainty it to people that were
attracting in is Wendy can talked about earlier and she's mentioned
in in previous hangouts that she had history prior to
mister wonderful that she's now married to as a I've
tracking not so great guy she just called riff-raff wrists to miss jerks
and so oftentimes
did we attract the same type people we think that kinda
encapsulates everywhere when it doesn't I think we r can really agree that that
women can be just as selfish as men
I think you do hit on a point there that men do how probably
mormon need to be respected and to have more verbal affirmation maybe then women
as a whole do
by I think we have to be careful it's really easy to stereotype in really
generalize across sexes
and all of those things I think really go across the board there's a lot of
women who are very selfish a very needy as well
fearless and I'm sure you know summers ourselves so
and before we wrap up the meat is kinda take what you guys just talk about an
*** one final question so
you both gave examples acrylic in I really love the phrase you used
Cynthia again lost it losing yourself in the relationship
why yes think the you talk about your personal experience or just talk about
generally we get week we get to that point we do lose ourselves we get so
obsessed with needing that love near the person that we
lose our identity air sensor bar self a.m.
thought about how we fall into that whole
well you know for me I think that I've always felt that might purpose my main
purpose on this planet on this earth is to love and be loved
and you know so it seems like
for the most part my life has focused around how can I love and be loved in
you know as a result I have you know I've changed my cell for tried to change
my soul for try it
to mold myself in order that I could get that love that I felt
that I needed to be happy and
you that resulted in me as cynthia said losing
myself AM NOT Sinha not really focusing on the fact that
you know I'm here to be happy to do it there's a lot of things they can do dat
make that happen
yeah niland I who
nobody's gonna make you happy you get you have to make yourself happy treasure
and then you will be
happy in relationship with another person very
I in Dallas mean that was my mistake measuring I inspected
up for Mac dramatics to make me happy
anyway he be then in ivory send it here for a long time
even though I didn't aren't committed I was in denial and yeah rest
trying to say the relationship thing to do any loud
doing what I you know I'm and
he now with a friend that you like because even bad
he didn't like %uh some friends we wouldn't you know we don't think
you know how it was all about hearing and United
any idea that just to get everything that gets in my case against Rome
my am bringing my mom was a straight nothing may have happy
I mean I could be a straight A student is good but the so-what something that
would make here
i'm happy with me ovarian cancer
from that but can come in I
one of the things you said in there that I think is really an
important takeaway is that
our sense of ourselves and our own identity is something that we really
need to be able to
have fairly stable and have developed
before we really enter into a relationship and oftentimes
most of us haven't done that and when we haven't had that fully developed we're
looking for things in the relationship from our partner that they can't really
fill
and that I think really contributes to us getting really obsessed with the love
and losing ourselves and when we a lot of times unfortunately
many of us have to go through broken relationships and mature and
we're never too old Cynthia so there's still opportunities
her I would but when I'm dead I have keys in prague that the proper
I well but million
when we have a better sense of who we are and that might have been one things
that really changed for you Wendy is that we start to attract different people
and then we're going to have the type of person that's willing to love us
as well as expect the love back and Wendy you hit on a really good point as well
just that
both that you want to love but you also want to be loved
and we've gotta remember that there's gotta be a balance in there and I think
one of the things that is definitely come out of
our talking about today is that we lose ourselves in these relationships and it
becomes very lopsided with
often times us putting all the love in and not getting the love back
we need to recognize that it's supposed to that it doesn't always have to be 50-50
but there does need to be a balance to that and when it's out of balance
that's a red flag we need to be paying attention to so just to really wrap up
on
this question about how to make someone love you
the thing we want to focus on is ourselves not on the other person and that's
a tricky one because
it's easy to focus on them because they're not meeting our needs but if we'll
look at ourselves and look at the ways that we can influence the relationship
by
changing how we're loving them as well as making ourselves a little bit more
lovable
and then ultimately not accepting not being loved which is
where both Wendy and Cynthia have been able to talk about experiences that had related to
that
so just want to challenge everybody to find ways that you can influence
the relationship by changing yourself
and through that you may find that you will be able to have the person
love you more the way you need to be loved okay so we'll wrap up there
we'll have another hang out next week continuing this theme thank you Cynthia
thanks Wendy per share thank you model thank her
need and thanks you okay tonight that nixon
okay by I