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In The Little White House
Little white house remains in my memory
and in that little house, oh let's suppose...
I work in social services, as a carer for elderly people,
It's very little money, because it is paid by the hour.
Hours are 2 or 1, still not always full-time.
One day I go, on the second day I don't go, and I worry.
Because the days fly by and I am constantly thinking about how to find work suitable for my age,
because I am 69.
I would like to work still, because I must work to earn for my care,
but nothing goes right for me.
Always when I find some good work, the old ladies either die or it comes to nothing, and that's how it ends.
And once again I am thinking and again my problems,
Just not to worry oneself, because I don't want to. I just want to have suitable work in old age, suited to my age,
because I like to work and I want to work, but unfortunately for the time being I have no luck.
And I always worry myself, what can I do.
Today is the 20th of February, I have been looking for work since the morning.
I didn't get anything, there wasn't any, I came back.
I froze outside and again I'm thinking about what will happen next.
All the time I am stressed, nervous, I think how will I cope.
At times I don't have thoughts - I don't know what to do or think anymore.
Today is the 21st of February, 2009.
I woke up, because I went to sleep late.
I awoke and I'm stressed again and I am going to work again today.
I don't know whether I'll have any work or not.
I would yearn for that works so much.
Because I must work, because otherwise I won't cope.
The weather is not very cold, but I must go,
thank you.
Like I said in the morning, I went for work,
Today is Friday.
I got one patient for two hours, I earned 10 pln (2,5 Euro),
what sort of money is that? But I’ve got it, I'm glad of it.
For the time being I only got it today, I don't know how it'll go.
Yes, sometimes I think to myself, and I sit and think, what is someone to live since one only gets such a pension,
One must pay for everything and there is still not enough, from bailiff to bailiff.
And not for the first time I think to myself, why does a person have to live in this world?
But I always say to myself: unfortunately I still have to live for my granddaughter,
because I don't know what would happen with her if I did something to myself.
Because sometimes my nerves can't take it.
More than once on television, there were materials of how they treat children in children's homes, she saw it.
It frightened her a lot, and I don't know what will happened to her still.
Daughter in law isn't interested in paying the alimony and I can't get hold of her because she has moved.
I'll get nothing from the alimony fund because I am related, as grandmother.
And that is my life.
I got up today and in the morning, I went to the kiosk, I bought the paper first, today is Saturday.
I looked at the work ads.
I searched for one type of work, there is that work in Swarzędz.
I got in touch with the lady, but I don't know what will come of it.
Because it will be necessary to go there twice a day, morning and evening for certain.
I doubt if anything will come of it, because tickets cost money too and at the moment I don't have enough money to buy a monthly ticket.
But in spite of everything, I arrange to go and see what the ill man was like,
because it's an invalid needing looking after, if I manage I'll be very pleased.
Yesterday, I went to sleep at 3 o'clock in the morning, I was thinking so much I couldn't fall asleep.
I remembered my son how he lay by me, how very ill he was.
And how much I had to lose everything on him, that's how all these problems were caused.
And I lost so much money over him, those loans that I took out, but I tried to rescue him, like a mother.
Because every mother will help and rescue a loving and ill son.
But I didn't save him.
On the second day of Christmas, at 22:30 he had a stroke and was all covered in blood and died in my arms.
I couldn't accept it, that I couldn't save him, that he died.
And each Christmas that comes, and New Year, because the funeral was at New Year, I have such sadness.
Today is Sunday, I was in Swarzędz.
And like I said, that I had that work there I went to see, but it doesn't pay, because I'd lose more on tickets,
because they are Suburban buses and only twice a day, once in the morning an hour and an hour in the evening.
Such work is unacceptable.
I worry, what will happen again tomorrow, will I find some sort of work?
I really want to find work so much, because unfortunately I must work.
Because I'll get that pension again, and still it wouldn't be enough. Once again I'll be thinking, what next?
It's really difficult for me; I want to work while I still have the strength.
But in old age I'd really like to have a bit of rest myself.
Monday, the 2nd of March, I received a telephone call with information about work.
I took a bus and went to see and I got two hours on Długosz Street.
I am very happy about it, because of these couples of hours.
And at least I can forget about these worries of mine.
But in spite of everything, I still worry, because it is not enough for me.
I was informed that they’d disconnect the light if I don't pay but right now I don't have anything to pay with.
Yesterday I went to sleep late, even though I went to sleep late I was woken 3 times by nightmares.
I got up in the morning, I ate a bread roll with milk, because I had nothing else.
Today I'm not going to work, because I am waiting for a telephone from the manager, maybe I'll have some sort of job,
And all the time I'm thinking, where to go, where to go
in order to find out where one can sell one's organs after death, so that they would give me money while I'm alive,
and take them after I'm dead.
That is my dream, because I'm still thinking that I will do it for my granddaughter, if something happened to me I could secure her.
Because first they'll try to take her to a children's home, I don't want to give her up to that, I didn't want that.
And my son in his grave didn't want that either, because he loved children.
I took a lot on myself I know, but now I can't cope with myself, but I don't want to give her up.
With that money if they buy my organs, I would buy some sort of flat to make sure that she had somewhere to live,
I'd like to bring her up for as long as possible, for her to grow up into a good girl.
For her own good I'd still want to pay, but I still have two instalments to pay and they are not all that much.
Still it is a sum of 1500 pln (340 Euro), and if only I could get that sorted out, I wouldn't be so worried.
Because I am still on calming tablets, because I don't want to fall into depression,
because I had it once after my husband died, and I'm always afraid of that.
I wanted to clean, to get some sort of light cleaning work, because I'm not fit for heavy work anymore,
or some sort of other work, because from when I was young, when I was 16, I worked in a hospital,
I like to work among the sick, but unfortunately I am already this age, so I'm limited in working.
Thursday, the 5th of March.
I am going to work for these two hours and on the way I’m going to apply for the care order to be revoked until the case,
when the case comes I’ll already know, I know for certain what they're doing with the child, like I always said what they're doing.
First steps, they take her away to the children’s home, but unfortunately, let it happen, whatever. I've had enough of this rotten life.
I didn't manage to do what I wanted, I didn't manage to arrange anything about my organs, to sell them.
Now I have no chance.
And why struggle of with this miserable life seeing as there's no sense.
I have no prospect of future.
Why should I've ruined my nerves day after day thinking, I don't sleep at nights.
And later, as soon as the case comes and is finished, then I'll know, what I'm living for.
Perhaps, that might be the last thing I did in my life.
Because, I can't carry on living like this and my nerves can't take it anymore, and I can't bear thinking about it all anymore.
If I only had some sort of suitable work for my age, perhaps I might still be able to sort things out, but the way it is, I don't know.
Today is Saturday, 12.30 at night, and I'm still not asleep.
The 7th of March and I can’t sleep, because I remembered and thought about it,
that once I worked for a certain old lady, I looked after her,
and my son was already sick with cancer and I had nowhere to go for money.
I persuaded her to take a loan for me and I signed after that.
That wasn't right.
That is as if it were a crime, I had her permission, but now I can't deal with it.
I'll lose the last money on that loan, because I'd like to make up for the harm I caused, so that she wouldn't suffer.
I thought about it the whole time, why did I have such a life.
I have trouble with my daughter-in-law because she doesn't pay maintenance for my granddaughter.
I hate her for what she did.
Her little 13-year-old daughter doesn't interest her.
She also rejected her older children. Even though they are grown up, mature, they still always need their mother.
And for that I hate her.
Sometimes I wonder if there is God.
Someone has plenty and someone else nothing and must suffer and think.
And I am sad, I sit and I think,
and I smoke a cigarette after cigarette and I am so sad.
I don't know what will happen to me tomorrow.
It is Sunday, the 8th of March
The whole time I sit and think sadly about myself,
because I remembered that today is Women's Day.
All women receive flowers and I have no flowers from any body, not even one flower, I feel so sad.
As if I had been forgotten by everyone and needed by nobody.
And I still would like to live and enjoy life.
And continuously I have such strange thoughts, why must someone suffer so much?
Forgotten, without help from anywhere.
Then I am again reminded of my son, I think about him all the time.
How ill he was, and how he suffered, and I am very sad.
I sit here alone and I think.
Today the weather is very close as if it would be another pressure outside, my head aches.
Today I'm totally finished.
It's not like it was when I was young, 16, 18 years old.
I worked in the hospital, there I had flowers every day, patients thanked me.
And today I sit alone.
Once upon a time I looked after the sick, and today I am alone.
Monday, the 9th of March, 8 o'clock in the evening.
I had returned from that work, I haven't managed to get it.
Since that Monday, as I already said describing the events, I didn't manage and the whole day was spoilt.
I went by tram and didn't accomplish anything, I thought to myself that nothing will go my way.
Whether God exists or not? Or whether He has already forgotten about me? Or that I am being tested so long.
How much can a person bear?
In the tram I was so overcome with sorrow, that I turned to the windowpane and tears ran down my face so that no one can see them.
Later it passed, I felt a bit better, I came home and I decided to tell about it.
I don't go to church, why go there?
Only bullshitters go and they only look how a person is dressed, how somebody looks, whether something suits or not.
In priests, I don't believe because priests are worse than I am, they're just ordinary band of hypocrites!
I hate them! Because I had so many experiences, so many that I've heard about and even saw with my own eyes, what they do.
I don't expect anything from them.
My son was very ill with that cancer,
and my daughter-in-law, while my son was still alive, already was letting the priest have her!
I went to him twice and told him what I thought, I didn't want to make trouble for him,
but I told in my opinion, unfortunately maybe, he as the priest had to confess.
Since then, I hate them! And I do not go to church, because I have no reason to go.
If I want to pray, then I'll pray in the corner.
But until now, I don't know whether someone hears me, or maybe I don't know how to pray.
I'm only busy with work, as I want to work enthusiastically.
I hate my daughter-in-law and that priest so much!
I am sad about that.
And how could he do it my son that was still ill, and how could she?!
And that priest knew about it all the time, and he only drove around with her in the car.
It's shame and disgrace!
If I had wanted to I would have caused him a lot more shame, but a person is not vengeful.
That's how it is with me today, on Monday.
I don't know how it will be at night, whether I will fall asleep or stay awake thinking,
and I have no idea what tomorrow will bring.
Tuesday, the 17th of March.
I came from the office; I had gone to the office to see if there was any work.
Luckily I managed to get another three days two hours each.
That means Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, so I will already have six hours earned.
And with those 6, I will have 12, and in the end maybe there'll be something.
Maybe I'll get around 100 pln (23 Euro).
But not till the 10th of April.
Until then I had to survive and I haven't anything and I'm worried again.
And every day I think what to do, to have something to eat.
I even had such a stupid idea,
that I had somewhere to steal 10,000 (2,300 Euro) and I would pay for everything with that.
Flat first.
But then I immediately remembered that my father always taught me,
that is not allowed to lie and steal,
because whoever lies also steals, and I do not know how to either lie or steal, so far in my life I have stolen nothing.
Only forging the signature of the woman that I was looking after, when I took that loan.
That was the only thing I did like that in the whole of my life.
But I was really terrified and I'm still frightened to this day, because I still haven't finished those instalments,
and I don't know what to do.
If I had those two instalments, those two loans finally paid off.
If only I had the money for paying the rent.
Because every month I am one month behind, then I would be able to sleep in peace and I might cope from day-to-day.
I'm worried and I worry all the time, what to do.
The child is coming and wants to eat something, and I had virtually nothing, only this bread and this butter, how long can one live on that?
I am ashamed about the child, I also thought that
if I found such as sponsor, that would help me financially bring out my granddaughter,
so I wouldn't have to push her into a children's home,
as I can't cope with it any more.
I can eat anything or sometimes even nothing, but the child has to eat something, and I have to give her the food, and now the school and everything.
I applied to the court and I'm waiting for a solution to this care, as a foster parent.
And it also depresses me, as I still have these thoughts, that they will take her.
They will take her away from me.
Where can I find that sponsor?
I don't know, I don't know where to turn to.
I don't have Internet I don't have anything, I really don't know, I don't know what to do.
And why I am bothering myself with these stupid thoughts? I must get away from myself so as not to be responsible for something terrible.
I sometimes think that ,
those people have everything, and never earned anything by honest work.
Friday, the 20th of March.
I came from work and I got the next surprise.
They had disconnected my electricity.
Yesterday they disconnected the television cable, today they disconnected the light.
Now I have no lighting.
I got so nervous, that I don't know what I'm supposed to think, what I'm supposed to do?
And furthermore, I've never been in such poverty, it was all poverty, but not like now.
The child came from school and I haven't anything to give her to eat.
I want to phone to a friend, but first I'm unable to ring and secondly I don't know if I want to ask him...
I don't know whether to phone because I simply have nothing!
Tomorrow, Saturday and Sunday and I simply have nothing; I just simply have nothing to eat.
Now I'll live even worse, now I shall live without light or television, gypsies are better off than me.
What am I to do in such poverty? What can I do?
I'm only waiting for this case to finish and then I really can't do any more.
For a person not to have even enough for food today, is shame!
I hate the whole world, I hate myself!
Because I don't know what to do, where am I to get anything?!
I have nowhere, I have nobody to borrow from and no help!
What's the good of thinking?
I don't know myself, even what to do, where to go, where just where?
Friday night I fell asleep at midnight and by 2:30 I had already woken with sleeplessness.
Because I never stop thinking about what to do, but I cannot work anything out.
I awoke at six o'clock on Saturday,
and I got up and then thinking again, I look again and I had nothing!
If I could borrow something from someone, but I can't borrow anything, because I'll never have anything to return.
If I can't think of something I'll lie down and take a sleeping pill and sleep.
Such poverty is a pitiful sight.
Until it's all finished, I'll never be ok, and that's how it's going to be for me forever and ever.
Month after month and day after day.
I'm just getting out of my mind,
but there's still something because I'm pleased that I have those two hours of that work.
When they cut off the light on Friday, I've also thought about that a lot,
because on several counts I must have that light, I asked my neighbour;
because they are good neighbours they know, how it is with me and I asked him to connect me somehow beyond the meter,
Because I must have that light, because if I want to describe my life then I must have light.
But I must take care not to use the light in the evening maybe it's checked or something.
I don't want to get him into trouble.
I still don't know what to do and what they call that light: theft of current.
So I have committed the theft, though I was forced to do it because where am I to have light from?
It's not enough that I have a bailiff after me, not enough that I have loans and still the light, and every moment it gets worse.
Nothing good ever happens to me, every day and only sadness only troubles.
I think and I think and there is nothing I can do or think of, what am I to think of here?
A grey old person, where should she go ? What should she do?
I’ve nothing at home that I might sell, how shall I get that?
Money from nowhere and no help.
And what am I to do? Where do I start?
Wednesday, the 25th of March, half past eleven.
I came back from work all nervous.
I went to my patient, that poor man.
He had nothing to eat, had no money.
I ask him whether he has anything to eat?
He says that he has nothing.
And that I am so kind and I have such a stupid heart, I came back home,
I took my last half loaf and lump of butter and I took it back to him,
because I would not be able to sleep, not be able to live if I knew, someone is hungry,
and all the more so a very sick person.
The other thing, when I came back from work, which annoyed me as well
was some kids had put some sort of chewing gum in the lock or something and I couldn't open the door.
And it is a lock, not any old lock; it is a Gerda or something like that.
I asked my neighbour and fortunately he was at home and he worked at it, and worked at it there,
but he had to damage the lock, or otherwise I'd never have got into the flat, so I have something else to worry about.
I want to work and I'm pleased that somebody needs me,
but when I see the poverty of those sick people, and that social care is ignoring it, it's just terrible.
They say they sent the money to him, but somehow it still hasn't come.
And he also has a heap of bills and he has to pay them all, and what will happen to him?
Well probably my character will never change.
Not enough that I have nothing myself, because really I have nothing,
still I had to rescue someone; I just have to,
because the poor are rescued by the poor and not by somebody, who has money, and that's how it is.
And the whole time I'm thinking.
I haven't got the strength and now I can't do anything.
I might end this quicker...
My glance fell on my son's picture.
Suddenly, I had such a longing and loneliness, I still can't accept that he's gone.
The longer he's dead, the more I miss him.
Everything aches me from nerves.
What should I do, I just can't do it anymore.
Tuesday the 12th of May, and the whole day I'm all worked up,
because I had three people to take care of, and two have gone and now I only have one.
And how am I supposed not to be worried, not to think?
I was so happy that I'll earn some money, and once again, I'm left with nothing.
So I shouldn't think that I'm doomed?
I'm doomed and cursed the whole time.
Day after day.
And on the other side, I'm constantly listening and I wait to see if someone won’t come to cut me off the light,
because I still haven't settled the bill.
Well how can I?
Rent in arrears, lighting in arrears, nothing for food, nowhere to borrow from, nothing to give back.
What sort of life is that?
What do I have from life?
Midnight, the 12th of June.
I’ll lie down to sleep after taking a sleeping pill.
Once again the whole day I was stressed out.
Now it is every day, every day, every day, every day.
I had wanted to borrow something somewhere, they rang to that bank,
but none of them could do anything, nobody lent me anything, because nobody has anything.
And apart from that I don't have that many people I can go to.
What am I to do? I think and I worry myself.
Now I really don't want to think and live, because the nearer it is, the more you think.
What can a poor person like me do? Take tablets and sleep.
Saturday tomorrow and I'll be thinking and worrying again, forever stressed, I am going to sleep.
I take tablets and go to sleep.
Monday the 29th of June.
I came home from work, I drank only a little water with honey because I had such a cough, something's not right, I don't know.
Something started doing me a mischief in my throat, that I got such a cough, that I was just about to throw up.
Yesterday, I mean today,
on Monday I had such a position from the owners from that man that I go to, that had a stroke.
He is behind with the rent there,
and he had an application for social care, and that he'll go,
but that cough has got such a hold of me that I'm practically in tears,
and he has to go to that old folks home, because he can't be at home, because he has to have all day care.
and day-care can only pay for a couple of hours.
so he was accepted on the list, and that owner of the flat saw that I'm a decent women,
Excuse me
she asked me whether some time later I'd like to rent that flat, of course I would, I replied to her that I would take it.
but what are the conditions? And she said: there are two rooms there with a kitchen and it's close to Jeżyce,
only that, he is behind with the rent, then she showed me the letter, from when the rent hadn't been paid.
It's from, wait a minute, it is from 2009 and the rent hasn't been paid from 1, 2, from January.
And his rent counting in rubbish clearance, all in is 617 pln (140 Euro), that wouldn't be so bad, but there is a problem,
that she would want to immediately have that January, February, March to April, May in five months to pay it back.
and then just pay normally, but I don't know I said that I don't know what to say to her because I wasn't ready for that obviously.
I am looking for a flat actually...
That's because of nerves
I'm looking for a flat, because I have a deadline to the end of July, I said that I’ll give her an answer,
because I said that I don't have that sort of money to pay those few months behind, because normally it would be from January to June and that would be half a year.
And she wanted me to pay though 4, 5 months of arrears, it would be a pity because it was such a chance, because the flat was so nice.
It only needed a bit of doing up here and there, but then she said that we might agree about the rent, but I must do any renovations at my own cost.
But I don't have anything either to pay back or for any renovations.
I really have no way out, but she made me such a suggestion
because it really is a nice flat and it would suit me, because my granddaughter would have a room of her own and be able to do her lessons there.
I can't take it any more, because my throat is so sore, it's from nerves.
And apart from that I'm still upset because I took my pension and it's still not enough and I still don't have enough.
What should I do?
Excuse me
Sunday, the 2nd of August.
I went to the cemetery in the afternoon and by the time I got back it was ten past seven.
I sat there, even though it was so hot.
But I found myself such a place in the shade and I talked with my son and my husband.
I was in tears when I told them everything about the situation,
and the misery that comes upon me.
I wept so, that afterwards I felt a bit better.
But before I had got to the cemetery Mr. Mariusz phoned me,
that owner, with the proposal that I was looking for a flat, I said that I was looking,
and he said that he had a certain friend, a notary in Wilda on Przemysłowa Street,
He told her all about me, she has a flat from September it would be 900 pln (200 Euro).
But Mr. Mariusz, I said, but I'm not able to pay that.
And he said - I know Mrs Rydlewska, that you couldn't pay it, because you'd have nothing to live on,
because there would be still a payment for light and gas.
I said: Exactly!
And I thought: He was so worried about me and he only found me something like this?
And in any case, I couldn't accept something like this, because I simply just can't pay for it.
Maybe it was only because he wanted to be get of me, but even so I'll have to move.
But not for that amount, I said.
Like I said before, I will have to give my granddaughter to an orphanage if I don't find anything cheaper.
If I were by myself, I could sleep and wash one day here, the other day somewhere else, and so on,
but with my granddaughter, it's not possible.
And there was the Sunday I had today.
Monday, the 10th of August.
I went to work, today I got up at four in the morning, I couldn't go to sleep anymore.
I sat there till 7, then I went to work.
The whole time I'm thinking about that flat more and more, because the time is coming.
I get stressed out more and more.
I just can't take it.
I'm frightened about the move, I'm frightened about that owner, don't know what it will be like dealing with him.
It’s really getting on my nerves, my whole body is shaking.
I'm so desperate...
Saturday, I went to work also only to one lady, because I go to her on Saturday as well,
I put on her corset, I did everything for her breakfast, everything necessary.
I came back home and I did the cleaning.
And that owner telephoned me, the one that promised me that flat, that she wanted to talk to me.
About Paweł, the patient, and personally about that flat, that she was going to rent to me.
I was so happy about that and I had such an urge to sing some of my old songs,
This one is quite funny:
Antje stands there in the garden up to her knees in water ,
She stands and stands and looks and looks
whether her Janek is coming.
The soldiers are bathing and to Antje they are shouting
" Come Antje to the stable ,
to the barn to the hay."
"I cannot go there,
As my mother would have punished me"
"Ah, tell mother, tell mother do,
that confession you went to"
The mother rejoices that her daughter doesn't sin
and her daughter sinned, sinned the whole night long and enjoyed herself.
enjoyed herself to the break of day,
she had fun with a lancer
no civilian for her, no civilian for her, because she'd fallen for a lancer
no civilian for her, no civilian for her, because she'd fallen for a lancer.
And that song carried me along, it reminded me of when I was young,
and that I must carry on living.
Monday, the 7th of September.
Today, like every day, to work,
then I went to register at the doctor’s, because I don't know...
because of all this stress my nerves have gone to pieces, something is wrong with my legs.
I don't know whether some nerve there is damaged but there is something that shouldn't be going on.
I think that it is to do with nerves.
I went to register at the doctor's and tomorrow I'll go to the doctor and we'll see, what he says to me,
because they simply aren't my legs I have some sort of jelly in my knees.
I'm worried whether it might be something more serious
because I still have to work and I still have to look after my granddaughter.
So that she learns and grows up to be a decent girl.
That's my dream and most important to be healthy.
Well I had health examination, and the result was very good,
I don't know about these legs, perhaps there are some sort of blocked veins or something.
I never had blocked veins and I don't know, well we'll see.
And again my nerves are playing me up, but I try not to think about it, but it comes on by itself.
Even though you don't want it to, it comes by itself, because
when you are old you should have health care and peace and rest,
but unfortunately none of that is for me,
because eternally there is that problem with the rent is still unpaid and with that flat,
and the school has begun, there is always something something and something something.
Perhaps school is for free, perhaps you can study for nothing, but there is always something,
eternally something,
Not enough that I bought so many books, it was necessary and notebooks and everything else
there are still some additional books.
Those authors earn so much on those different books and later those children get nothing but hypocrisy and lies!
In my day they taught us history, it was communism. Later it turned out that they had taught us lies.
That it wasn't good.
What did they teach us that for?
Today it's all hypocrisy.
That's why I don't go to church, I don't believe in any priest.
That's why I didn't send my granddaughter to religion, because she's already had enough experience that.
Thursday, the 1st of October.
As usual, I went to work and looked after the patients and those that can’t mind for themselves.
I went home and I drank tea and I made breakfast.
Then I went to the doctor’s and to have the tests.
She said that I still had to exercise and she wrote out a prescription,
but I won’t buy that medicine, because that medicine is very expensive, helpful and very expensive,
It costs 200 pln (45 Euro).
I can’t afford to buy that sort of medicine.
I have some of that cheap medicine, but that's nothing...
She gave me a book to read about Parkinson’s.
I'm shocked, because I know what's waiting for me,
And if I had that medicine and once a month I was able to take it,
there would be a chance to stop that illness, but I don't have enough money for that.
Later at 2 the owner came and I talked with him and in the end I had to let him in,
it was not a pleasant conversation.
I am simply in despair.
Thursday, the 8th of October.
Today, like every day, I went to work,
because today I had a meeting with that social worker of Mr. Paweł,
it's been agreed that on the 28th of October he will go to the old folks home.
I'll not have Paweł and I won't have those hours anymore.
I don't know if the manager will find one or two for me.
I have no idea and I regret it because I won't have the money again, I'll have only 150 pln (35 Euro).
My happiness didn't last long,
but even though I'm happy, at least I'll have a place to live.
But now I have to think again about where to get the money for the move and for the coal, because there are stoves there.
Always some sort of problems, I just lack words...
Sill, I'm pleased that I'll have a roof over my head.
Winter is coming and the flat owner is getting aggressive and ruthless, I'll see him on Sunday,
he said that he would come Sunday or on Saturday, he said that he would telephone me.
Now I must look for some 2 or 3 cartons to pack up for Mr.Paweł.
And the whole day has gone.
And again, how am I going to manage the move, I can't do it on my own, I can't carry everything on my back.
And that's it.
Today, Thursday the 13th, I was at work, I came from work.
I thought to myself, that I shouldn't think all the time about that owner, about that flat,
maybe something would work out, I do hope so
and I thought to myself again of the kindliness that folk used to have,
how once there were gentlemen.
Not like today, such spoiled bums, swindlers, not boys but a band of stallions.
Blokes these days haven't got any respect at all, honour - no chance.
They don't know how to treat women, like it used to be...
Once you used to go out to enjoy yourself, the gentleman was always very well-mannered, came up to a girl,
bowed and invited her to dance, accompanied her the way back.
Not like today, discos, discotheques where you don't even need a partner now.
Bouncing about one after another in the dark,
What sort of dancing is that?
Once one could remember how lovely it was, it was so elegant!
And I remember I met my husband at a dance.
We arranged to go on a date.
We went to a park, no it was not a park, it was an open space.
Beautiful weather, and we talked to each other.
Made another date,
and I went back home and I sang a song,
Once those songs were fashionable, and they were, as one might call, folk songs sang at home,
I'll sing one right now,
but my voice is not as It used to be, I hum it to myself when I fall in love,
It goes like this:
Little white house lingers in my memory
and in that little house, oh let's suppose...
I don't know, I don't know, something happened to me,
that I fell in love.
There are so many other lads in the world yet I yearned and dream of thee.
Don't be shy of the world spins round over you and me,
one thing I know, that I fell in love...
But there it was, I was overjoyed like a little girl - yes I was,
But that's how it was then, and I was happy.
Once I even sang it to my husband.
Sunday, the 1st of November.
In the morning I went to the cemetery, because there are such long queues it takes a long time.
And I went early, because later I pulled out all of those sacks for the move.
Such a mess, and on Sunday, I never had such an All Saints, I never had such day of the dead,
but I had to go to my son and my husband.
I talked with them, the whole day.
The whole day I cried.
I was taken with such grief, that I had such a fate.
I sent the little one to a friend for a couple of days, because in such a mess, where on earth could she have slept?
There are no living conditions here.
I will still look in the paper, I will still do something,
and apart from that I'm worried that I won't be able to pay, because this coal is terribly expensive,
and that's how I passed Sunday, the 1st of November.
Thursday, the 12th of November,
day after the holidays.
The day began as usual.
I'm haven't been going to work for the last few days.
I won't have any more work. And sad to say that I have a problem with my granddaughter,
because social services said that, because of the flat,
they state that there are no proper conditions, I don't know what to do now.
Now I'm finished.
On Friday, the 13th of November, a woman came from the social services and registered the new address,
where she goes to school and looked at the flat.
She asked if there was a hot water and this and that she saw it and said, that she must discuss a few things with the manager,
because a child in a foster family must have conditions including hot water.
And I don't have that, I don't know what to do.
I'm waiting for someone to give me some advice, I don't know what to do.
Saturday, the 5th of December.
I got up in the morning and did a bit of cleaning, I went to the store to buy butter and bread.
I came back and changed and again started doing up the room.
I already did one wall.
I sanded it all over, it's called the plastering, that I did, and I smoothed out the holes so that's it.
And one wall is already done.
Because I must hurry to have it done by the end of the year, but the ceiling itself would be the worst for me.
But somehow I manage, because I'll go up on the ladder and take a stick and somehow I'll do it.
Time is important to me,
already Saturday has gone.
Monday, the 14th of December.
I don't know what it is with me today.
From when I woke up I can't stop crying and crying non-stop.
I'm crying because of everything, because of this mess.
I'm hungry, cold, I have literally nothing, nobody comes to see me.
Yesterday alone, today alone.
In the morning I washed the window.
I wanted to paint, but my head keeps going round, I just can't stop crying.
I look at this whole mess,
and I think that Christmas is just round the corner, what shall I give the child to eat;
I don't know what I will do at all.
And that monkey, on top of everything, stopped working and now I don't get any maintenance.
Something is always going wrong.
So I must forever be asking someone for something,
and now I have nowhere left to ask.
And I so wanted to be happy in old age.
I wish I could be a happy, even for a little while,
On day someone is healthy and another day you are ill, then you understand what it means.
I'm totally alone, rejected by everyone.
Fate has punished me terribly.
Wednesday, the 16th of December.
Again, I woke up and it's still only four o'clock in the morning.
I couldn't go to sleep, as I kept dreaming about all these expenses and these problems.
I'd like to still work a bit but I can't,
I exercise as much as I can but instead of being better I feel that it is not better.
And today is Wednesday.
I phoned to that neighbour,
he is lending me 200 pln (45 Euro) and I will finish this floor and this room,
and little by little I can move in.
Though I'll have miserable nothing, but at least it'll be clean.
I'm unable to sleep at night,
I go to sleep at 12, then while it is still night I awake very suddenly.
Now I really don't know what to do.
I've simply fallen to pieces, falling to bits.
Falling to bits!
Good morning
Today is Thursday, the 25th of March.
I got up in the morning, I dressed myself, I have Parkinson's disease.
I can't move about freely,
I am chained to the couch,
I move very slowly, I dressed very slowly and I walk very slowly.
I am 70 years, my dream was that somewhere I might get a flat,
to rent on the ground floor, because I have a wheelchair, a walker.
This way I could go out, and take a walk when it's warm.
I could go out somewhere for a little walk with the wheelchair.
I would be very happy to have a bit of fresh air.
It's difficult for me, I can't accept this,
that I worked all of my life and now chained to a wheelchair.
I'm always dependent on somebody, and that's very bad.
And life is so beautiful.
At this moment it is eight o'clock and I will sit for the whole day.
I'll finish for the moment, I'll eat breakfast and take my tablets.
Well, today is Wednesday, the last day of March, the 31st.
As usual my day begins with getting up,
taking tablets and then I sit down and think.
I dressed slowly and the whole day I think how to spend the day today,
but, how can I spent it?
Normally, like every day.
I'm alone because my granddaughter is at school.
I sit for a bit .
I do a bit of crossword.
Today was a good day,
I walk to the window a bit,
I looked out of the window a bit,
and decided to say something again today.
Tuesday, the 13th of April.
The second day in a row that I woke at night and I can't sleep.
I wake up at half past two and I don't sleep till morning, at least till six, half past six I don't sleep.
Then my eyes start to close and I'd like to sleep for a bit.
But I can't, I just toss and turn,
and in the end I'm upset and I get up.
I get up, I drink some water,
because I always have it ready,
and, and...and what?
I won't do anything more, I'm waiting.
Today, I'll be watching television, because at 10 today they will bring the coffin of that Mrs Kaczyńska,
that president’s wife,
I will watch it,
It's very moving,
although I don't know these people.
Because I never voted either, I never went to the elections and I don't know them.
But in spite of everything, they were people who lived and at certain moment, all of a sudden, they're gone.
It could happen to any of us.
That sort of surprise.
Because a person lives like a bubble on the water.
Those who have money are a bit better, for they are better looked after by doctors,
and they are treated differently.
And if you don't have money, then, usually, there's no money for medicine,
but that's just how it is.
I looked at myself that time has passed for me,
and I'm waiting for my granddaughter to come from school.
People say, that she was a very good woman (the president's wife).
she was honest, helped other people, and the only thing that was important to her were children,
she was so goodhearted, never greedy - I don't like that either.
She was herself, even though, she was the president’s wife, she was herself.
And I like people like that, I don't like liars,
I don't like people who think they are above everyone else.
I like simple and truthful people.
When my granddaughter comes will make ourselves something for dinner.
And I still don't get any aliments for a child.
It is very difficult for me, because after all for three months I haven't had anything.
And that's a long time for me.
And also the whole time I think about it,
If I can manage somewhere and if I could be lucky enough to rent a small flat somewhere on this ground floor.
I really want that.
I only want it for a few years,
because you don't know how long someone will live,
but most of all later I would like it for my granddaughter, for her to have a roof over head.
Because who knows, what may happen to her.
And the day is gone already.
- It's on the the top, on the top?
- It says...
- Iin the middle? And here write this ..
- "mini" something, something.
- Aha, ah press?
- On it...
- Ooo!
- Yes, it's zooming out!
- Aha.
- Aha, good, I'll give Granny that camera.
- Granny take the camera and see if you can see it all right.
- Aha good, good then.
Yes!
- Aha granny says she can see now.
- aha good, well thank you, goodbye.
- Do you see ?
- Yes I see.
Sunday, the 25th of April.
From this morning I'm terribly nervous today.
And whoever comes, they stay for a while and they go.
And a person looks at the window so long alone, sits for so long, sits by them self.
Now I don't even look for a flat, for one I won't have any money for it.
All Sunday today I was in tears.
I sit here so all alone, and I'm constantly thinking, and instead of being better I walk worse.
All Sunday today, I can't gather my thoughts.
That I would like to have that flat on the ground floor.
The are getting on my nerves, only telling me about this hospital all the time.
They're wasting their time.
Why do I have such an old age?
I so wanted that somebody would come to me,
if I was on that ground floor, it would be easier for me.
But I can't find anything anywhere and after all, would anyone accept me being ill?
From six in the morning I just sit in this armchair and that's my life.
I don't know if my life will ever be better,
at least for an old age.
She came to make breakfast, quickly, quickly and she went.
And it doesn't bother anyone that a person just sits for half a year in this house.
Day after day.
My only dream is that I’d get better a bit,
and I find some flat.
But I don't have any chance, there’s no hope.
Like there was when I was full of life.
So that is that, I have to sit here till the evening all by myself.
Monday, the 7th of June.
As normal, I got up in the morning.
Lucynka helped me, made coffee for me.
Well and since it is the whole time,
I sit on this armchair the whole day and never move.
And I can't do it, I must have a physiotherapist.
I have confusion in my head already,
I don't know what to do.
There are arguments about taking me away.
I said before that I didn't want to go very much,
but now I really don't know what to do at all.
Right now, the hour is...
Twenty past 7,
and I'm still sitting in this armchair until the evening, and that's how I wait until someone comes,
and washes me and puts me to bed and that's how it is everyday.
Really, my muscles won't hold me.
Lucynka really helps me a lot, comes from school and right away we have dinner.
She really helps me a lot.
If it wasn't for her I really don't know, what I would do.
And it goes on till the evening.
And that is my life in old age.
Bye.
Cast: Mieczyslawa Rydlewska
Written and Directed by: Exilentia Exiff
Film and Sound Edit: Natalia Dawidowska
Production Manager: Roman Nowak
Produced by: Abnormals Foundation