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Morning Harry.
How are you feeling today?
Fine, thanks.
Lovely.
There’s some coffee over there if you want it.
Oh yeah, definitely.
So where’s Squat?
She’s getting some sleep. We had a long night.
Oh yeah? What’s the deal with you two?
Why, she say something about me?
Oh, er, no.
Just business partners.
Oh ***! I have to call my wife!
Oi! Ya got mail!
Oi. Call later. Got a job.
Oh, it’ll only take a minute.
Job first. Call after.
No, I just have to check- See, she got herself into this thing last night-
I ain’t paying you to make phone calls!
It won’t be but a second!
It can wait! This can’t!
No!
Oh god, Stretch!
I’m so sorry! Are you all right?
I don’t even know what- God I’m so sorry!
There. I’ll do the job, okay? Yes, of course, I’ll do the job.
Here we go. All right.
I’ll go do it now.
Harry.
Don’t forget your phone, mate.
Richford. What have we got?
Potter. Hettie here was just about to cut out that poor fellow’s eyes.
Ew. Why?
His name is Newt.
So? Oh, wait, what? Eye of Newt? That counts!?
Oh what do you care?
Fair enough. Why here?
Empty. Private.
And plus you don’t have to clean up after as the floor’s already sticky!
Ugh.
All right, Hettie, that's enough. Let’s get out of here.
Oh where’s the harm? It’s only a muggle!
Rough morning, huh?
It- It was awful!
That woman, she’s a- a witch! A real witch, isn’t she!?
You can say that again.
And it’s real. Magic’s real!
Wands and spells and the whole bit.
I don’t understand! It shouldn’t be possible.
Oh come now.
I’m sure there’re plenty of things in your world you don’t understand.
Like the inner workings of transistors or cerebral matter or whatnot.
Oh no, I understand those things perfectly.
I’m a neurobiologist who happens to be studying the effects of how to control electronic devices via nerve impulse.
Oh.
Fashion then, maybe?
Who are you?
Harry Potter.
Well, Harry Potter, I’ve never been more confused.
My whole world is built around a clear foundation of logic and science.
But it seems there’s a whole other world that I never knew anything about.
That witch called me something.
What was it? Mug-something?
Muggle.
Muggle. Which I’m guessing means someone who can’t do magic.
Mmm hmm.
And since muggles don’t know anything about magic,
I’m guessing you were left behind to try and magically erase this event from my memory!
I have to go… do something.
Newt, I need you to stay here. I could use magic to make you stay, but I imagine you’d-
I'll stay.
Thank you!
God! It’s like being fifteen again!
Mood swings, erections that won’t go away…
Let’s just get this over with.
[phone rings]
Tell me you’re pulling my hair.
Ginny, what the hell-
Ooohhh yeah!
Are you using my *** as a sex toy!?
Of course not.
Sex toys can’t get you pregnant.
Ginny, this is not good! This is- Oh…
No, look! I’m on a job! I’m at work!
Oh god.
Tell me you love my ***.
God I love your ***- No! Stop it! I’m working!
Oh Harry!
Honey, while I’m thrilled to hear you’re feeling better about us, this really isn’t the time!
Well shut up and concentrate and you can be back to work in a minute, okay?
Dammit! Fine!
Okay. Love you. Bye.
Well. That was different.
Sorry about that. Just had to…
***.
*** *** *** ***…
[cell phone rings]
Hello Hermione.
Hi Harry.
So how’d everything go last night?
Fine, fine. Uh, is Ginny feeling better?
Oh, she’s actually feeling… just great.
Good good.
Hermoine?
Huh?
What do you want?
I need something.
And I’m afraid you’re the only person I can think of who can help me.
Look, I’m not going to lie to you. Yes, I was curious about it too.
Not that I ever would have done anything about it, but it happened and, even though I can’t remember it,
that’s just going to have to be the end of it.
Not sex, Harry.
Marijuana.
What do you want that for?
To keep as a pet! What the hell do you think for?
Well there’s only one person I know who-
Not Ron.
Why not?
Because I’m still experimenting to see whether or not it can work between us.
Experimenting with drugs?
Not drugs.
Mistakes.
I think the reason Ron left is he feels insecure about his entrepreneurial failures over the years.
So maybe I can adjust my reactions so as to avoid hurting him if I make some mistakes of my own.
That’s a brilliant plan, Hermione, except for one thing.
What?
Normal people don’t make mistakes on purpose!
Oh. ***.
Hadn’t thought of that. Do you think that matters?
I don’t know. I’ve got to get back to the office.
Do they have marijuana there?
Harry?
What you doing on the floor?
Uh, nothing.
Got a pensieve there, huh?
Yup.
Haven’t seen one of those in awhile.
Standard part of the trade when you’re in the memory business.
Of course.
Listen, Stretch, I’m afraid this hasn’t quite been my day.
First with flying off the handle this morning, for which again I apologize profusely!
Gotten worse from Quidditch hooligans.
Um, but also,
the muggle whose memory I was supposed to fix?
Yeah?
I didn’t.
I got distracted and he ran off. I’m- I’m so sorry.
It was totally unprofessional and I feel like a right git.
You lost your muggle?
You’re right. I’m- I’m not cut out for this job. I’ll just let myself out.
Now now, don’t start *** yourself.
Everyone makes mistakes.
We’ve all lost a muggle or two that’s seen too much. Keeps things interesting.
Where do you think Twilight came from?
But Harry,
if I’m going to be able to trust you, I've got to know if you’re really making an effort.
Oh! Yes, of course! No, I’m ready, you know?
To show you. Whatever you need.
Good answer.
This is my prized collection.
Wow.
I can't remember the last time I saw so many memories.
Ha! Good one.
Oh, but Harry, these aren’t just any memories.
These are the finest memories you’ll ever experience.
This one, for instance,
is Joe DiMaggio doing it with Marilyn Monroe.
Ah. Interesting.
And this one
is Queen Elizabeth getting nailed by Lord Robert Dudley.
No kidding.
Oh! And this one here!
Mark Antony, Cleopatra,
and a couple of slave girls!
That’s a very… nice collection you’ve got there.
Very… historical.
Aye. Only problem is, the most precious one isn’t here.
Lost it in a poker game two months ago.
I want you to go and get it back for me.
You do?
This memory is precious?
Oh Harry, it’s not everyone who gets to preserve the memory of his own conception!
No. No I guess it’s not.
Right.
So you go and get that memory back for me, and we’ll just forget all this business about today.
Deal?