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>>> AND NOW A MESSAGE FROM THE
DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH AND HUMAN
SERVICES.
>> HELLO, THERE.
HI, I'M KATHLEEN SEBELIUS,
SECRETARY OF HEALTH UNDER
PRESIDENT OF OBAMA.
NOW, A LOT OF FOLKS HAVE BEEN
TALKING ABOUT OUR NEW HEALTH
CARE ENROLLMENT WEBSITE, HOW
IT'S BEEN CRASHING AND FREEZING
AND SHUTTING DOWN AND STALLING
AND NOT WORKING AND BREAKING AND
SUCKING.
WELL, TONIGHT, I HAVE A NUMBER
OF FRIENDLY TIPS TO HELP YOU
DEAL WITH THOSE TECHNICAL
PROBLEMS.
FOR EXAMPLE, HAVE YOU TRIED
RESTARTING YOUR COMPUTER?
SOMETIMES IT HELPS TO TURN THE
COMPUTER OFF, AND THEN TURN IT
BACK ON.
WE DON'T KNOW WHY, IT JUST DOES.
IF OUR WEBSITE STILL ISN'T
LOADING PROPERLY.
WE'RE PROBABLY JUST OVERLOADED
WITH TRAFFIC.
MILLIONS OF AMERICANS ARE
VISITING HEALTH CARE.GOV WHICH
IS GREAT NEWS.
UNFORTUNATELY, THE SITE WAS ONLY
DESIGNED TO HANDLE SIX USERS AT
A TIME.
IF YOU'RE IN A RUSH, CONSIDER
USING OUR LOW REZ WEBSITE, WITH
SIMPLER FONTS AND GRAPHICS.
NICE.
OR IF THE REGULAR ENGLISH SITE
ISN'T WORKING, TRY SIGNING UP IN
A DIFFERENT LANGUAGE, LIKE SAY
ICELANDIC.
AND THEN CHOOSE ONE OF FOUR
SIMPLE PLANS.
NOW, THAT'S FUN.
AND IF OUR SITE KEEPS FREEZING
WE'VE ALSO PROVIDED LINKS TO
OTHER HELPFUL WEBSITES, SUCH AS
KAYAK.COM, WHERE YOU CAN
PURCHASE AIRLINE TICKETS TO
CANADA, AND BUY CHEAPER
PRESCRIPTION DRUGS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> OR HOW ABOUT BITTORRENT,
WHERE YOU CAN DOWNLOAD PIRATED
COPIES OF HEALTH CARE MOVIES
LIKE PATCH ADAMS, WE ALSO HAVE
LINKS TO A NUMBER OF DR. THEMED
PORNOGRAPHIC WEBSITES TO HELP
YOU PASS THE TIME.
SITES LIKE DOCTORS WITHOUT
BOUNDARIES, *** AMBULANCE,
WEBMDD'S AND BLUE CROSS BLUE
BALLS.
STILL NEED GUIDANCE?
CONSULT HEALTHCARE.GOV'S
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS FOR
TOPICS LIKE WHAT THE HELL?
HOW HAVE I BEEN ON THE SAME PAGE
FOR THREE HOURS?
DOES OBAMA CARE COVER MENTAL
HEALTH ISSUES CAUSED BY USING
THIS WEBSITE?
AND OUR MOST FREQUENTLY ASKED
QUESTION, WHO THE GOVERNMENT?
OR YOU CAN CONTACT US BY MAIL,
SEND A POSTCARD WITH THE WORD
HELP TO THE U.S. GOVERNMENT
ATTENTION INTERNET PROBLEMS,
WASHINGTON, D.C..
AND IN 6 TO 8 WEEKS YOU'LL
RECEIVE AN INFORMATIONAL
BROCHURE ALONG WITH A TRIAL
VERSION OF ENCARTA ENCYCLOPEDIA,
PLUS 1,000 FREE HOURS OF AOL.
JUST DON'T INSTALL ANY OF THESE
PROGRAMS WHILE OUR WEBSITE IS
RUNNING OR IT WILL CAUSE AN
ACTUAL FIRE.
SO ENJOY YOUR NEW HEALTH CARE
SYSTEM, AMERICA.
AND BE SURE TO LIKE US ON
FACEBOOK.
OH, LOOK AT THIS, WE'RE ALREADY
UP TO THREE LIKES.
AND I LIKE THAT ENTHUSIASM.
I.T., CAN WE GET SOMEONE FROM
I.T. IN HERE?
WE HAVE A PROBLEM.
>> FIXED IT.
>> OH, OH, AND I ALMOST FORGOT
THE MOST IMPORTANT THING OF ALL.
WHATEVER HAPPENS, DO NOT -- OR
YOU WILL DIE.
THANK YOU FOR LISTENING, AND
LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
SATURDAY NIGHT!
>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE"!
WITH VANESSA BAYER
AIDY BRYANT
TARAN KILLAM
KATE McKINNON
SETH MEYERS
BOBBY MOYNIHAN
NASIM PEDRAD
JAY PHAROAH
CECILY STRONG
KENAN THOMPSON
FEATURING BECK BENNETT
JOHN MILHISER
KYLE MOONEY
MIKE O'BRIEN
NOEL WELLS
BROOKS WHEELAN
MUSICAL GUEST --
JANELLE MONAE
AND YOUR HOST --
EDWARD MINORITY ING.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, EDWARD
NORTON.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> HOMETOWN CROWD, THANK YOU.
IT IS GREAT TO BE HERE HOSTING
"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
YOU KNOW, LORNE FIRST ASKED ME
TO HOST THIS SHOW BACK IN 2000,
AND I SAID, I WOULD LOVE TO.
THAT HAS ALWAYS BEEN A DREAM OF
MINE.
BUT I HAVE TO BE ME, I'M A
METHOD ACTOR, I GET DEEP INTO
CHARACTER, AND I NEED A LITTLE
TIME TO PREPARE.
HE SAID HOW MUCH TIME?
I SAID, I THINK 13 YEARS SHOULD
DO IT.
WITHOUT A BEAT, HE SAID, HOW
DOES OCTOBER 26th, 2013 SOUND TO
YOU?
AND I SAID, I WILL BE READY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
SO I WENT TO WORK, I PUT IN THE
TIME, I TOOK IT VERY SERIOUSLY.
PEOPLE WOULD COME UP TO ME AND
SAY, I LOVE YOUR WORK, WHY DON'T
YOU DO MORE MOVIES.
I SAY, I'M PREPARING FOR
"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE," GIVE ME A
BREAK.
BUT, IN FACT, I WAS SO FOCUSED
ON GETTING READY TO HOST THIS
THAT I DIDN'T HAVE AS MUCH TIME
TO CATCH UP WITH THE MODERN SHOW
WHEN I GOT HERE, AND WHEN I GOT
HERE MONDAY AND FOUND OUT THAT
CHRIS KATTAN IS GONE.
I WAS BUMMED.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> BUT ANYWAY, I DID THE WORK,
I'M HERE, I'M READY.
I DID THE WORK, AND I'M FINALLY
READY TO STAND HERE ON THIS
STAGE, WHERE SO MANY GREAT
ACTORS HAVE STOOD BEFORE ME.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> DID SOMEONE SAY MY NAME?
>> COME ON.
ALEC.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> IT'S INCREDIBLY GREAT TO SEE
YOU.
I ACTUALLY DID NOTE SAY YOUR
NAME.
>> I THINK WE CAN ALL AGREE, YOU
WERE HEADED IN THAT DIRECTION.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I WILL SAY, IT WOULD BE HARD
FOR ME TO THINK OF A SINGLE MORE
QUALIFIED PERSON TO SHARE WISDOM
WITH ME ABOUT HOSTING.
I WANT YOU TO FEEL CONFIDENT, I
HAVE DONE THE WORK.
>> YOU MAY THINK YOU'RE READY,
BUT THIS ISN'T NEIL LABUTE DOWN
AT THE LUCILLE LORTEL, WHERE YOU
HAVE MONTHS TO FIND YOUR
CHARACTER.
THIS IS A THREE-WHEEL BUS
CAREENING TOWARDS A BLOWN OUT
BRIDGE A BRIDGE.
YOU NEED TO BE FACILE, NIMBLE,
READY FOR CURVE BALLS.
>> WELL I'M READY FOR THE
CURVES?
>> NO, YOU'RE NOT.
THAT'S WHY I'M HERE.
I'M HERE TO WALK YOU THROUGH THE
ALEC BALDWIN SNL WARMUP FOR
DRAMATIC ACTORS.
>> OKAY.
>> GIVE ME YOUR BEST TAKE FOR
THE CAMERA.
>> TAKE?
>> OKAY, THAT'S A GREAT TAKE FOR
"AMERICAN HISTORY X" WHICH YOU
WERE HILARIOUS IN, BY THE WAY.
>> THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
>> BUT THIS IS SNL, AND WE DO
DOUBLE TAKES HERE.
>> OKAY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I GET IT, I GET IT.
>> NOW WE'RE GOING TO TRY SOME
IMPRESSIONS.
>> REALLY?
>> I'M GOING TO HIT YOU COLD
WITH SOME NAMES.
IAN McKELLAN.
[ IMPERSONATING IAN McKELLAN ]
>> WELL DONE.
WELL DONE.
GIVE ME YOUR BEST ***.
>> GEEZ, DON'T PUT ME ON THE
SPOT LIKE THAT, I'M TRYING TO
HAVE A GOOD TIME HERE.
YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE GOEBBELS
IN NUREMBERG.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> TEXTBOOK.
BUT I MEANT *** HARRELSON.
[ IMPERSONATING ***
HARRELSON ]
>> WELL PLAYED, EDWARD.
WELL PLAYED.
>> WILLIAM HURT, GREAT ACTOR --
[ IMPERSONATING WILLIAM HURT ]
>> DO NOT DO ANY UNPROMPTED
IMPRESSIONS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> SORRY, SORRY.
>> EVER.
>> I APOLOGIZE, I APOLOGIZE.
>> THE WORST TRAP FOR AN ACTOR
IS TO GET INTO YOUR HEAD.
SO I WANT YOU TO TALK TO
SOMEONE, WHO HAS NEVER ACTUALLY
BEEN IN HER OWN HEAD.
MILEY, CAN YOU COME OUT HERE
PLEASE?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> HI, EVERYBODY.
I'M REALLY REALLY GOOD, I JUST
WANTED TO STOP BY REAL QUICK TO
ALL OF MY FANS THAT I'M ABOUT TO
BE GOING ON TOUR.
>> AND I'D LIKE TO ANNOUNCE TO
ALL OF MILEY'S FANS THAT MY NEW
TALK SHOW IS ON MSNBC FRIDAYS AT
10:00.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> ALL RIGHT, COOL.
HERE'S SOME OF MILEY'S THREE
RULES TO HOSTING.
>> MM-HMM.
>> ONE, YOU HAVE TO HAVE FUN.
>> OKAY.
>> TWO, YOU HAVE TO KEEP YOUR
ENERGY UP.
AND THREE YOU HAVE TO STICK YOUR
TONGUE OUT LIKE THIS.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
>> OKAY, NEVER MIND DON'T DO
THAT.
>> KEEP YOUR TONGUE IN YOUR
MOUTH.
THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IS,
YOU'RE GOING TO BE FINE.
>> YOU'RE GOING TO BE BETTER
THAN FINE.
YOU'RE GOING TO BE GREAT.
>> YOU REALLY THINK THERE'S
NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT?
>> I WAS WORRIED WHEN I HOSTED
BACK IN 1991, AND BACK THEN I
WAS A HUGE MOVIE STAR.
NOW, 15 TIMES LATER, I HAVE MY
OWN SHOW ON MSNBC.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> OKAY.
>> YOU TELL ME.
>> NO, SERIOUSLY, TELL ME, DID I
MAKE A MISTAKE?
THE PAST IS THE PAST AND YOUR
FUTURE IS AHEAD OF YOU.
>> YOU READY, EDWARD?
>> I'M READY.
>> ALL RIGHT, DO IT.
>> ALL RIGHT WE HAVE A GREAT
SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
JANELLE MONAE IS HERE WITH US.
STICK AROUND, WE'RE GOING TO BE
RIGHT BACK.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> CRISP WEATHER, THE CRACKLE
OF LEAVES UNDERFOOT.
CUDDLING UP IN YOUR FAVORITE
SWEATER.
FALL IS OFFICIALLY HERE.
WHICH MEANS IT'S FINALLY TIME TO
ENJOY ALL THOSE UNIQUELY FALL
FLAVORS AND SCENTS, EVERYWHERE
FROM YOUR COFFEE TO YOUR
CANDLES.
BUT WHAT ABOUT YOUR FEMININE
PRODUCTS.
FROM THE MAKERS OF SUMMER'S EVE
COMES AUTUMN'S EVE PUMPKIN SPICE
***.
THE FIRST INTIMATE CARE WASH
WITH ALL THE BOLD SPICE FLAVORS
OF FALL.
BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS CLEAN MORE
THAN WARM GOOEY PUMPKIN AND HOT
ITCHY CINNAMON.
>> FINALLY MY INTIMATES CAN HAVE
THAT WARM INVITING SCENT THAT
REMINDS YOU OF YOUR MOM.
MY HUSBAND LOVES IT.
>> THANKS TO AUTUMN'S EVE, NOW
MY PERSONAL AREA CAN SMELL LIKE
THANKSGIVING ALL SEASON LONG.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND THAT'S SOMETHING WE CALL ALL
BE THANKFUL FOR.
>> WHY SHOULD YOUR MOUTH HAVE
ALL THE FUN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SO HURRY OVER TO YOUR LOCAL
PHARMACY OR FARM STAND AND PICK
UP AUTUMN'S EVE PUMPKIN SPICE
***.
AUTUMN'S EVE, FROM THE MAKERS OF
ST. PATRICK'S EVE SHAMROCK
***.
AND CHRISTMAS EVE PEPPERMINT
***.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> OKAY, OKAY, WHEN MY HAND
GOES UP --
>> THE CHATTER GOES DOWN.
>> CLASS, THIS IS OFFICER IRVIN.
HE'S GOING TO BE TALKING TO YOU
ABOUT STRANGER AWARENESS, BE
COURTEOUS AND STILL.
YEAH FOR THIS.
I'M GOING TO SIT IN MY CAR AND
MAKE AN ADULT PHONE CALL.
>> GOOD MORNING GUYS.
>> GOOD MORNING, OFFICER ROSEN.
>> I COP IN A WIND BREAKER,
THAT'S A COOL MOVE, MAN.
>> THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
>> I WANT TO TALK TO YOU GUYS
ABOUT SOMETHING THAT I LIKE TO
CALL STRANGER DANGER.
SOMETIMES NOW, ESPECIALLY AROUND
HALLOWEEN, YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF
IN A SITUATION WHERE YOU FIND
YOURSELF CONFRONTED BY A
STRANGER WITHOUT A PARENT OR
GUARDIAN NEARBY.
LET'S SAY A MAN PULLS UP INTO
THE SCHOOL PARKING LOT IN A VAN
AND OFFERS YOU A LITTLE CANDY.
>> OOOH, I LIKE CANDY.
>> WE ALL LIKE CANDY.
THE QUESTION IS, WHAT SHOULD YOU
DO?
>> WHATEVER IT TAKES TO GET THAT
CANDY.
>> NOW, WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A
MINUTE.
THE MAN SAYS TO YOU, YOU HAVE TO
GET INTO HIS VAN TO HAVE THE
CANDY.
>> GET IN THAT VAN.
>> NO, NO, I'M SORRY.
IT'S ON ME, IT'S ON ME.
I SHOULD CLARIFY.
THE MAN IS A STRANGER, YOU DON'T
KNOW THE MAN.
>> OKAY, SO THEN YOU GO, WHAT'S
YOUR NAME?
I'M SHALON.
WHERE ARE YOU FROM?
I'M FROM ORANGE COUNTY.
EVERYTHING CHECKS OUT, HOP IN
THAT VAN AND GET THAT CANDY.
>> I GET IT, IF YOU INTRODUCE
YOURSELF TO A STRANGER, THEY'RE
NOT A STRANGER ANY MORE?
>> NO, NO.
THAT'S WRONG.
THAT'S WRONG.
I'M SORRY.
WHAT WAS YOUR NAME?
>> SHALON.
>> OKAY, SO SHALONE HERE IS
CLEARLY MISINFORMED, BUT SHE
SOUNDS VERY CONFIDENT, AND THAT
MAY BE THROWING THE REST OF YOU
OFF.
THE BOTTOM LINE GUYS, IS, YOU
SHOULD NEVER EVER TALK TO
STRANGERS.
>> HOLD UP, I CAN'T TALK TO
THEM?
I MEAN, I'M CHILLIN' IN THIS
DUDE'S SWEET VAN EATING ALL HIS
CANDY AND I'M SUPPOSED TO SIT
THERE IN TOTAL SILENCE?
THAT'S CLASSIC BAD MANNERS, MAN.
>> THAT'S DISRESPECTFUL OFFICER
ROSEN.
>> YOU'RE MEAN, SIR.
>> GUYS, GUYS.
WHEN I SAY DON'T TALK TO
STRANGERS, THAT INCLUDES NOT
GETTING INTO THE VAN.
>> WELL, MR. OFFICER, LISTEN,
LET'S BACK THIS THING UP.
THERE'S CANDY INVOLVED.
NOW, FOR ME, I AM ALL ABOUT
CANDY.
AND IF ALL I HAVE TO DO IS GET
SAID CANDY IS HONG OUT IN A VAN.
I AM NOW ALL ABOUT VAN.
>> SHALON'S RIGHT, I'M STARTING
TO SEE VANS IN A WHOLE NEW WAY.
DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH CANDY YOU
CAN FIT IN A VAN?
>> THERE'S A VAN PARKED ACROSS
THE STREET.
IF IT'S THEREAFTER SCHOOL, LET'S
ALL APPROACH THE DRIVER FOR
CANDY.
>> NO, NO, DON'T DO THAT.
>> BECAUSE OF YOU, WHEN I GROW
UP, I WANT TO DRIVE A VAN AND
PASS OUT CANDY TO KIDS.
>> NO, NO.
I THINK EVERYONE HERE MAY HAVE
LESS OF A HANDLE ON STRANGERS
THAN BEFORE I WALKED IN, THAT'S
NOT A GOOD THING.
SHALON, COME UP HERE.
HELP ME OUT.
THESE GUYS LOOK UP TO YOU, ARE
YOU THE LEADER IN THE CLASS?
>> UNOFFICIAL, NO TITLE, BUT
THAT SEEMS VERY ACCURATE.
>> OKAY.
WE'RE GOING TO DO A SCENARIO, NO
CANDY IN THIS ONE, AND THERE'S
NO VAN EITHER.
>> NO VANS?
I ALREADY HATE THIS.
>> GUYS, GUYS, PLEASE, PLEASE,
PRETEND I'M A MAN WHO WALKS UP
TO YOUR FRIEND SHALON IN A PARK,
AND REMEMBER, IT'S NOT SAFE TO
TALK TO STRANGERS, OKAY?
I'M GOING TO SAY, HEY, LITTLE
GIRL, YOU WANT TO GET INTO MY
VAN?
>> YOU'RE PROBABLY A FRIEND OF
MY DAD'S, LET'S GO.
>> NO, NO, NO.
I AM A TOTAL STRANGER TO YOU.
>> WELL, I DON'T KNOW ALL MY
DAD'S FRIENDS.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW MY DAD.
>> I'M NOT A FRIEND OF YOUR
FATHER.
>> OH, WAIT, SO ARE YOU PLAYING
MY DAD?
OH, WHAT'S UP, DAD?
I GET WHY YOU LEFT.
MOM IS A MESS.
>> SHALON IS CONNECTING WITH HER
DAD, YOU GUYS.
>> I'M NOT DAD.
>> BE A MAN AND TAKE RESPONSIBLE
FOR YOUR CHILD.
>> SHE'S NOT MY CHILD.
CAN'T ANYONE NAME A SINGLE THING
WRONG WITH THIS SCENARIO?
>> LET ME THINK.
THERE WERE NO VANS.
>> AND NO CANDY.
>> AND THE GUY PLAYING THE DAD
SUCKS.
>> YEAH, BUT SHALON WAS AWESOME.
>> SHALON!
SHALON!
SHALON!
>> I GUESS YOU COULD SAY I'M THE
VANS OF ACTING.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK?
I THINK WE'RE DONE HERE.
TAKE THE PAMPHLETS, READ THEM.
I'M HEADING FOR THE PRECINCT LOT
BEFORE I TAZE THE LOT OF YOU.
>> THAT WAS FAST.
I DON'T HAVE ANY LESSON PLANS
FOR THE REST OF THE DAY.
>> CAN WE GO OUTSIDE AND LOOK
FOR FANS?
>> SURE, JUST MAKE SURE YOU ALL
HAVE A BUDDY.
>>> OKAY, WELCOME BACK TO STEVE
HARVEY, I WANT TO THANK NIGEL
TIPTON, REAL LIFE GHOSTBUSTER
FOR BRINGING SOME OF HIS FINEST
TO THE SHOW.
AND I APOLOGIZE FOR CONDUCTING
THE INTERVIEW FROM THE PARKING
LOT, I DON'T MESS WITH NO
GHOSTS.
OKAY, LET'S MOVE ON TO EXPERT
TIPS.
♪♪
HALLOWEEN IS ONLY A COUPLE DAYS
AWAY, AND I GOT TO CONFESS, I
DON'T LIKE IT.
FOLKS SNEAKING AROUND GRABBING
CANDY, WHEN WE GOT ENOUGH CRIME
AND DIABETES OUT THERE AS IT IS.
AT MY HOUSE, WE DO THE SAME
THING EVERY YEAR.
TURN OFF ALL THE LIGHTS, LEAVE A
BUCKET OF STEVE HARVEY BRAND
POCKET SQUARES ON THE FRONT
PORCH.
AND THEN ME AND MY WIFE GO
UPSTAIRS DRINK HENNESSEY AND
EXPLORE EACH OTHER WITH AL
GREEN'S LET'S STAY TOGETHER
MASSAGE OIL.
BUT I KNOW LOTS OF Y'ALL LOVE
HALLOWEEN WHICH IS WHY WE HAVE
MY GUEST TODAY.
HERE TO GIVE US SOME COSTUME
IDEAS IS THE OWNER OF SPOOKY
CITY, YOUR ONE STOP HALLOWEEN
SUPERSTORE.
PLEASE WELCOME MR. JAKE PICKLE
ER.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
HOW ARE YOU DOING, MR.
PICKLER.
>> IT'S GOOD TO BE HERE STEVE.
ARE YOU READY TO HAVE SOME FUN
WITH COSTUMES?
>> I FEEL LIKE THAT'S A LEADING
QUESTION.
>> NO, NO, NO.
LET'S JUST TRY TO HAVE SOME FUN.
SO SPOOKY CITY, WE GOT HUNDREDS
OF COSTUMES.
MY FAVORITES INVOLVE WORD PLAY.
>> WORDPLAY?
WHAT'S THAT?
LIKE WHEN YOU FIND LITTLE WORDS
IN YOUR SOUP?
>> KIND OF, BUT NOT REALLY.
I'M THINKING OF LIKE PUNS,
RIDDLES.
LET'S PLAY A GAME.
I'M GOING TO BRING OUT SOME OF
MY PUNNY COSTUMES AND YOU SEE IF
YOU CAN GET WHAT THEY ARE.
>> A VAMPIRE.
>> YOU CAN'T GUESS YET, I HAVE
TO BRING ONE OUT FIRST.
SO LET'S BRING THE FIRST ONE
OUT.
>> OKAY, I KNOW THIS ONE.
THEY GOT SOMEBODY IN MY
NEIGHBORHOOD THAT LOOKS JUST
LIKE THAT.
THAT'S OLD BOOK HEAD.
>> YOU'RE CLOSE, YOU HAVE ONE OF
THE WORDS.
>> THAT'S ENCYCLOPEDIA HEAD.
>> IT'S TWO THINGS COMBINED, SO
TELL ME WHAT YOU SEE.
>> I SEE A LADY'S FACE.
>> THAT'S GOOD.
>> AND IT'S STICKING OUT OF A
BOOK.
>> BOOK FACE.
HEY THERE BOOK FACE.
>> NO, THAT'S SO CLOSE, TURN IT
AROUND.
>> BOOK ***?
>> NO.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THAT WAS A NICE TRY.
BUT IT'S FACEBOOK.
FACEBOOK, LIKE THE WEBSITE.
>> IF SHE WAS A WEBSITE, WHERE
ARE ALL HER WWW'S.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> IT'S WORD PLAY.
IT'S WORD PLAY.
>> NO, IT SEEMS FISHY TO ME
PLAYER.
>> OKAY, LET'S BRING OUT THE
NEXT ONE.
OKAY.
>> OH, DAMN, LOOK AT THIS.
>> IT'S A LITTLE SCARY, RIGHT?
>> THIS IS A PHRASE THAT EVERY
FAN OF HORROR KNOWS.
>> *** BOX?
>> NO, NO.
[ LAUGHTER ]
NO, NO.
A LITTLE MORE SPECIFIC.
EVERYBODY KNOWS THIS.
>> LET ME SEE HERE, JEFFREY
DAHMER TOAST CRUNCH.
>> NO.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> JOHN WAYNE GACY GRAHAM?
>> NO, YOU'RE GETTING WARMER.
IT'S SAID BOX.
A BOX OF WHAT?
>> CEREAL.
>> WHAT KIND OF CEREAL?
>> I DON'T KNOW, POUR ME A BOWL.
>> CEREAL KILLER.
CEREAL KILLER.
SEE.
ISN'T THAT GREAT?
>> WELL, NOT FOR THAT MAN, HE
GOT TO GO TO THE BATHROOM INSIDE
A BOX.
>> GET OUT OF HERE.
WORK WITH ME, STEVE.
YOU'RE GOING TO GET THE NEXT
ONE.
YOU'RE GOING TO GET IT.
>> LOOK AT THESE TWO, IT'S SATAN
BREAKFAST.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WELL, NO, NOT QUITE.
>> OKAY, LET ME SEE.
I CAN SEE THEY BOTH GOT A
TRIDENT.
POSEIDON EGGS.
THAT'S EGGS OFFERED UP TO KING
POSEIDON IN THE MORNING.
>> STEVE, NOBODY OFFERS EGGS TO
POSEIDON IN THE MORNING.
TAKE A BREATH, YOU CAN GET THIS
IF YOU PUT TWO WORDS TOGETHER.
WHAT ARE THEY?
>> EGGS.
>> GOOD.
>> NOW WHAT ELSE DO YOU SEE.
>> I KNOW, THESE EGGS GONE WILD.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SATAN GOT AHOLD OF THEM, NOW
THEY'RE ON VIDEO EXPOSING THEIR
YOLKS.
DON'T YOU GO UP IN THAT TOUR
BUS.
>> NO, NO, LOOK THEY'RE DEVILED
EGGS.
DEVILED EGGS.
YOU SEE THE HORNS?
DEVILED EGGS.
>> I DON'T LIKE IT.
EVIL EGGS MAKE ME NERVOUS.
WELL MAYBE THEY NEED AN
EGGSORCISM.
COME ON.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I DON'T UNDERSTAND A DAMN
THING ABOUT THIS MAN HERE RIGHT
HERE.
WHEN WE COME BACK, WE'RE GOING
TO BRING OUT CELEBRITY MINISTER,
T.B. JAKE, WHO'S GOING TO PRAY
ON THESE HERE EGGS.
STAY RIGHT HERE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO THIS,
OKAY?
>> CAN I JUST MENTION SOMETHING.
IS THERE A WEIRD SMELL IN HERE?
>> THERE WAS A BIT OF A VERMIN
PROBLEM, BUT SOMEONE FROM PEST
CONTROL IS COMING IN TO TAKE
CARE OF IT.
NOW, IF WE COULD ALL TURN TO
PAGE TWO.
>> CRITTER CONTROL.
>> SHOULD WE ALL CLEAR OUT.
>> NO NEED, NO NEED.
THIS WILL ONLY TAKE FIVE
MINUTES, YOU WON'T EVEN KNOW
I'M --
>> AS I WAS SAYING, THE THIRD
QUARTER WAS NOT OUR BEST.
>> OH, MY GOD!
>> IS SOMETHING WRONG?
>> OH, NO, I'M SORRY.
NOTHING'S WRONG.
KEEP HAVING YOUR MEETING.
>> SO THE THIRD QUARTER.
>> OH, MY GOD.
SOMETHING IS WRONG.
JUST AS I SUSPECTED, POSSUMS.
THERE'S TWO OF THEM IN THERE.
ONE'S ALIVE, AND ONE'S DEAD.
THE ALIVE ONE'S CRYING OVER THE
DEAD ONE'S BODY.
OH, MY GOD!
RUSSELL HAS GOT TO SEE THIS.
RUSSELL!
RUSSELL!
>> SHOULD WE JUST MOVE TO
ANOTHER CONFERENCE ROOM?
>> I'M AFRAID THIS IS THE ONLY
ONE THAT'S AVAILABLE WE'LL TRY
TO STAY FOCUSED.
HE SAID IT WOULD ONLY BE A FEW
MINUTES.
>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY NAME
IS RUSSELL, ALTHOUGH I'M NOT AN
ANIMAL CONTROL SPECIALIST WHO'S
LICENSED, I'M MITCHELL'S BEST
FRIEND AND HE KNOWS I LOVE THIS
FUNKY JUNK.
I HAVE BEEN INFORMED THERE IS A
MEETING TAKING PLACE, AND I'M
NOT TO DISTURB YOU.
IN CONCLUSION, WORK HARDER, NOT
SMARTER, WE'LL GET 'ER DONE, AND
MY NAME IS RUSSELL.
>> WHAT'S HAPPENING?
>> OH, BOY, YOU WERE NOT KIDDING
ABOUT THESE POSSUMS.
ONE OF THEM IS DEAD.
AND HIS BUDDIES ARE HAVING SOME
SORT OF MEMORIAL SERVICE.
YOU KNOW, HE WAS DEFINITELY
RESPECTED.
I DON'T KNOW IF HE WAS A LEADER
OR JUST LIKE A CHARISMATIC
CITIZEN.
THERE'S A BIG TURNOUT.
>> SHOULD WE RILE THEM UP?
>> YEAH, MAKE THEM GO NUTS.
THAT'S GETTING THEM FIRED UP.
>> MAYBE WE SHOULD TAKE A FIVE
MINUTE BREAK?
>> NO, NO, THEY'LL BE DONE SOON.
THEY'RE PROFESSIONALS.
>> ACTUALLY, I THINK RUSSELL'S
JUST A FRIEND.
>> OH, RUSSELL, I GOT AN IDEA,
TRY THE BAT.
>> OH, YEAH.
OH, YEAH!
THEY DON'T LIKE THE BAT.
>> THEY GOT THE BAT.
>> YOU GOT TO GET THAT BACK, I
HAVE A GAME TOMORROW.
>> SHOOT, I FORGOT.
I'LL GET IT, I'LL GET IT.
>> MAYBE WE SHOULD LEAVE.
>> CAN WE STAY, I KIND OF WANT
TO SEE HOW THIS TURNS OUT.
>> RUSSELL, RUSSELL?
CAN YOU SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING IN
THERE?
>> THEY TOOK MY EYEGLASSES.
ONE OF THEM'S PUTTING IT ON.
HE'S PRETENDING TO BE ME.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I DO DO THAT.
>> I WANT TO SEE.
YOU GOT TO COME IN HERE, THESE
GUYS ARE HILARIOUS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WHAT DID I TELL YOU?
DO THESE GUYS DO MARVELOUS
IMPRESSIONS OR WHAT?
>> DO ME, DO ME.
>> THAT'S EXACTLY HOW YOU WALK.
OH, MY GOSH, I NEVER THOUGHT I
WOULD SAY THIS, BUT I LOVE THESE
POSSUMS.
>> NOW, LOOK, ONE OF THEM IS
STICKING OUT HIS LITTLE PAW IN
FRIENDSHIP.
>> YES, MR. POSSUM, I ACCEPT YOU
AS A BROTHER.
WAIT.
NOW, WHAT IS THAT IN HIS PAW?
>> OH, GOD HE'S GOT A KNIFE.
>> OH, MY GOD, IT WAS A TRAP.
>> SO WE'RE ALL GOING TO JUST
IGNORE THAT HAPPENED, RIGHT?
>> I THINK SO.
YES.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO THIS,
OKAY?
YOU GOT THE STUFF?
>> HERE YOU GO.
20 KEYS OF PURE COLUMBIAN.
>> NOT SO FAST.
LET'S SEE THE MONEY.
>> ONE MILLION IN CASH, IT'S ALL
THERE.
>> WELL, PLEASE DON'T BE
OFFENDED IF I DOUBLE CHECK.
>> HOLD ON A SECOND, YOU EXPECT
US TO SIT HERE WHILE YOU COUNT A
MILLION DOLLARS?
IT'S GOING TO TAKE FOREVER.
>> OH, NO, NOT ME.
I'M NOT GOING TO COUNT ANYTHING.
I NEED MY MAIN NUMBERS GUY,
HE'LL COUNT THIS SO FAST, IT
WILL MAKE YOUR HEAD SPIN.
HEY, HANK!
>> YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
MY NAME'S HANK, I'M THE NUMBERS
GUY.
I LIKE NUMBERS, YEAH.
>> I'M SORRY, WHAT IS THIS?
>> WHEN IT COMES TO NUMBERS, NO
ONE'S BETTER THAN THIS GUY, SHOW
THEM.
>> TWO LAMPS, THREE PAINTINGS,
TWO DOORS IN THE ROOM.
YEAH.
>> NUMBERS DON'T LIE, GENTLEMEN.
>> FOUR PEOPLE, TWO BAGS, ONE
PILLOW TOP, ONE RUG.
>> HE CAN COUNT LIKE THIS ALL
DAY.
>> 12 EGGS IN A DOZEN, BLACK
JACK'S 21.
>> CONVINCED YET?
>> OF WHAT?
>> THAT HE'S A SVANTE.
YOU SEE THAT TABLE RIGHT THERE?
>> YEAH.
>> WELL, WATCH THIS.
>> ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE.
FIVE CUPS ON THE TABLE.
FIVE CUPS ON THAT TABLE.
>> HE COUNTED THE CUPS.
>> I KNOW.
>> THERE'S SEVEN DAYS IN A WEEK.
365 DAYS -- 365?
YEAH, 365 DAYS IN A YEAR.
>> HEY, HE ALMOST MESSED THAT
ONE UP.
>> CAN WE JUST COUNT THE MONEY?
WE GET IT, HE'S LIKE THE GUY IN
THAT MOVIE.
>> CLOSE.
HE IS THE GUY IN THAT MOVIE.
>> YEAH.
>> WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
THAT WAS DUSTIN HOFFMAN.
>> OH, WHAT MOVIE ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT, BECAUSE HANK WAS
IN A MOVIE.
HE WAS IN "TRANSFORMERS."
HE WAS IN THE CROWD.
>> YEAH, I WAS IN THE CROWD.
>> YOU CAN SEE HIS MOUTH MOVING.
HE WAS COUNTING ALL THE EXTRAS.
>> SOME DINER.
>> DID YOU GET TO MEET MUPPET
BUMBLE BEE?
>> HE'S FUNNY.
HE'S HIP-HOP HAPPY.
>> HEY, EITHER DO THE DEAL OR WE
WALK.
>> YEAH, LET'S GO, THIS PLACE IS
CRAWLING WITH COPS.
>> OKAY, OKAY, HEY, HANK?
YOU WANT TO COUNT THIS FOR ME?
>> SHOW ME THE MONEY.
SHOW ME THE MONEY.
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE,
SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT, NINE, TEN,
11, 12.
AND THEY ALL HAD FUN AT THE
LADYBUG PICNIC.
>> WHAT WAS THAT?
>> THAT WAS LADYBUG PICNIC FROM
SESAME STREET.
>> YEAH, EIGHT IS ENOUGH.
I LIKE THREE MEN AND ONE BABY.
FOUR STARS IN THREE'S COMPANY.
>> WHOA!
WHOA!
WHOA!
FOUR STARS IN THREE'S COMPANY?
>> HE COUNTS THE NEIGHBOR.
>> THE NEIGHBOR GOT ALL THE
LAUGHS.
>> THAT'S 100, THAT'S 100.
>> IS ANYONE KEEPING A TALLY OF
THIS?
SOMEONE NEEDS TO BE ADDING UP AS
HE GOES, THAT'S HOW THIS WORKS.
>> I LOST MY COUNT.
I LOST MY COUNT.
>> THAT'S OKAY.
>> I HAVE TO START OVER.
100.
>>> "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH
SETH MYERS AND CECILY STRONG.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> GOOD EVENING, I'M
SETH MEYERS.
>> I'M CECILY STRONG.
>> AND HERE ARE TONIGHT'S TOP
>>> DURING A SPEECH AT THE WHITE
HOUSE THIS WEEK ON THE FAILURES
OF THE HEALTHCARE.GOV WEBSITE,
PRESIDENT OBAMA CAUGHT A
PREGNANT WOMAN WHO WAS ON STAGE
WITH HIM AND WAS STARTING TO
FAINT BUT HE TOTALLY MISSED A
CHANCE TO SAY, THAT'S WHAT I
CALL OBAMA CARE.
>>> SECRETARY OF HEALTH AND
HUMAN SERVICES KATHLEEN SEBELIUS
SAID THIS WEEK, THAT PRESIDENT
OBAMA DID NOT KNOW ABOUT THE
HEALTHCARE.GOV'S TECHNICAL
PROBLEMS UNTIL AFTER THE SITE'S
LAUNCH.
IN A STATEMENT SHE DELIVERED
FROM UNDER THE BUS.
>>> NEW JERSEY GOVERNOR
CHRIS CHRISTIE THIS WEEK SAID
THAT HE IS DROPPING HIS LEGAL
CHALLENGE TO A RECENT COURT
RULING MAKING SAME SEX MARRIAGE
IN THE STATE LEGAL AFTER HE
REALIZED IT WOULD TECHNICALLY
MAKE IT POSSIBLE FOR HIM TO
MARRY BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN.
>>> KANYE WEST THIS WEEK, ASKED
KIM KARDASHIAN FOR HER BRAND IN
MARRIAGE.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
>> HE PROPOSED TO KARDASHIAN
MONDAY AT SAN FRANCISCO'S AT&T
PARK.
HE GOT DOWN ON ONE KNEE AND
SAID, WILL YOU MAKE YOURSELF THE
LUCKIEST WOMAN ON EARTH?
>>> BARNEY'S DEPARTMENT STORE IN
NEW YORK CITY IS FACING CHARGES
OF RACISM AFTER TWO BLACK
CUSTOMERS WERE ACCUSED OF
SHOPLIFTING BY POLICE AFTER
BUYING HIGH PRICED ITEMS IN THE
STORE.
SAID A SPOKESMAN FOR BARNEYS,
YEAH, THAT SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING
WE WOULD DO.
>>> WELL, FALL HAS OFFICIALLY
FALLEN, AND THAT MEANS A WHOLE
NEW SEASON OF NEWS.
HERE WITH THE NEWS HE HEARD
SECONDHAND IS OUR SECONDHAND
CORRESPONDENT, ANTHONY COSTINO.
>> HOW ARE YOU DOING, SETH.
IT'S GOOD TO BE BACK.
CONGRATULATIONS ON THE NEW GIG
YOU GOT COMING UP IN FEBRUARY?
>> YEAH, THE NEW SHOW.
>> YOU'RE ON A NEW SHOW?
>> I MEANT THE WINTER OLYMPICS,
AREN'T YOU LIKE AN ICE DANCER OR
SOMETHING?
>> NO, I'M NOT.
>> I'M BUSTING YOU.
>> SO ANTHONY, WHAT'S IN THE
NEWS LATELY.
>> SO YOU HEAR ABOUT THE THING
IN NEW JERSEY.
THEY'RE LETTING SENIOR CITIZENS
GET MARRIED IN NEW JERSEY.
THEY'RE LEGALIZING GRAY
MARRIAGE.
>> THEY LEGALIZED GAY MARRIAGE.
>> I DON'T KNOW IF I'M FOR IT,
THOUGH, IT SEEMS KIND OF GROSS.
THE MAN COULD BE OLDER BUT THE
WOMAN?
>> I NEED TO KNOW, WHERE DID YOU
HEAR THAT?
>> FROM MY HALLOWEEN COSTUME
DEALER FLAMMABLE DAVE.
>> FLAMMABLE DAVE WAS MISTAKEN.
>> ALL RIGHT.
BUT YOU HEAR ABOUT THIS POLITICS
STUFF?
>> WHICH POLITICS STUFF.
>> YOU KNOW, ALL THE GOVERNMENT
WORKERS, THEY LEFT TO PLAY
FOOTBALL.
YEAH, THE GOVERNMENT TOUCHDOWN.
>> NO, NO.
IT WAS A SHUTDOWN.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN.
>> NO, NO, YOU KNOW WHO WAS
LEADING THE WHOLE THING?
TOM CRUISE.
>> NO, YOU MEAN TED CRUZ.
>> I'M PRETTY SURE IT WAS TOM
CRUZ.
YOU KNOW, HE HATED OBAMA CARE,
BECAUSE HE THOUGHT IT WAS A
RISKY BUSINESS.
BUT OBAMA WAS LIKE, SHOW ME THE
MONEY.
YOU KNOW, I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY
AMERICAN TAX DOLLARS, THEY HAVE
TO PAY FOR HEALTH CARE IN THE
CARIBBEAN?
COME ON.
>> THE CARIBBEAN?
>> YEAH, THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT
BAHAMA CARE.
>> IT'S OBAMA CARE.
YOU JUST CALLED IT OBAMA CARE.
>> DID I?
>> YEAH, YOU DID.
WHO TOLD YOU THAT?
>> MY MAGICIAN BUDDY,
ABBRACADOUGLAS.
>> GERMANY IS PRETTY UPSET WITH
THE U.S. ABOUT THIS WHOLE NBA
SCIENCE SCANDAL.
>> NO, IT WAS THE NSA.
>> I'M PRETTY SURE IT'S THE NBA.
BECAUSE ANGELA MERKEL IS UPSET
THAT LeBRON JAMES WAS LISTENING
TO HER PHONE CALLS.
IT'S BECAUSE SHE'S A FAN OF THAT
FLAT CHESTED GERMAN GUY ON THE
MAVERICKS.
>> WHO IS THAT?
>> THAT'S DIRK NOWITZKI.
>> AND THE ONLY REASON WE FOUND
OUT ABOUT THE SPYING WAS BECAUSE
OF FROSTY'S BROTHER.
EDWARD THE SNOWMAN.
>> NO, IT'S EDWARD SNOWDEN.
>> I'M PRETTY SURE IT'S SNOWMAN.
THAT'S WHY HE HAD TO GO TO
RUSSIA, BECAUSE HE WAS GOING TO
MELT.
>> NO, IT'S NOT.
>> PRETTY SURE.
>> ANYTHING ELSE, ANTHONY?
>> YEAH, I ALMOST FORGOT, A
COUPLE WEEKS, NEW YORK IS GOING
TO ELECT JOHN MAYER --
>> NO, WE'RE GOING TO ELECT A
MAYOR.
>> YOU DON'T THINK IT'S GOING TO
BE JOHN?
I KNOW ONE THING, HIS
LEGISLATIVE BODY IS A
WONDERLAND.
>> NO.
>> ANTHONY COSTINO, EVERYBODY.
>>> A SIX FOOT LONG ALLIGATOR IN
FLORIDA, TRIED TO ENTER A LOCAL
WALMART BEFORE BEING LURED AWAY.
PRETTY BIG COINCIDENCE, BECAUSE
AN ALLIGATOR WALKING INTO
WALMART IS THE STATE FLAG.
>>> NEW YORK RELEASED A REPORT
THIS WEEK, ALLOWING SUBWAY CARS
WITH NO DOORS IN BETWEEN THEM
ALLOWING PASSENGERS TO
WALK-THROUGH THE ENTIRE LENGTH
OF THE TRAIN.
>>> A MAN IN HAWAII WHO CAME
FACE TO FACE WITH A SHARK
SURVIVED BY PUNCHING A SHARK IN
THE FACE.
MEANWHILE, I SAW A COCKROACH IN
MY BATHROOM AND NOW I SHOWER AT
THE GYM.
>>> A NEW WEBSITE IS CALLED DIED
IN HOUSE, THAT LETS USERS FIND
OUT IF ANYONE DIED IN THEIR
HOUSE.
MAN, WHATEVER HAPPENED TO JUST
LOOKING AROUND?
>>> ACCORDING TO A NEW STUDY,
THE FLU VACCINE CAN REDUCE
PEOPLE'S CHANCE OF HEART ATTACK
BY UP TO 55%.
UNLESS IT'S ADMINISTERED TO YOU
BY SURPRISE.
>>> A NEW POLL SHOWS THAT 58% OF
AMERICANS NOW THINK THAT
MARIJUANA SHOULD BE LEGAL.
OF COURSE, THAT'S 58% OF
AMERICANS WHO WERE HOME AND
HAPPY TO ANSWER A PHONE CALL IN
THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY.
>>> AN ARTIST IN IRELAND HAS
CREATED AN ELEVEN ACRE PORTRAIT
OF A YOUNG GIRL.
SAID THE ARTIST, WHAT WHY ARE
YOU ALL LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT.
>>> NBC IS UPDATING *** SHE
WROTE STARRING OCTAVIA SPENCER.
SAID MEMBERS OF THE ORIGINAL
VERSION, WE'RE LONG DEAD.
>>> FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE" I'M
SETH MYERS.
>> I'M CECILY STRONG.
GOOD NIGHT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> ON JANUARY 1st, 1863,
PRESIDENT ABRAHAM LINCOLN,
SIGNED THE EMANCIPATION
PROCLAMATION, THUS BEGINNING THE
PROCESS OF FREEING ALL ENSLAVED
MEN.
WHILE THIS WAS CAUSE FOR GREAT
CELEBRATION FOR
AFRICAN-AMERICANS, IT DID NOT
MEAN THE TRANSITION WAS A SMOOTH
ONE.
THIS IS THE STORY OF ONE MAN IN
12 DAYS NOT A SLAVE.
>> HOW IS EVERYBODY DOING?
MY NAME IS CECIL, AND I'M 12
DAYS FREE.
I'M SURE YOU'RE ABOUT AS HAPPY
ABOUT IT AS I AM.
HIGH FIVE.
NO.
OKAY, HOW ABOUT YOU?
NOPE?
HOW ABOUT YOU, MY MAN.
DOWN LOW?
NO, OKAY.
>> CECIL, CECIL, COME OVER HERE.
>> ZACHARY, HOW YOU DOING?
LOVELY TO SEE YOU, MAN.
ZACHARY, I AM SORRY I'M SO LATE.
I HAD TO WALK THE WHOLE WAY, I
DID NOT REALIZE HOW HARD IT WAS
TO HAIL A BUGGY IN THIS TOWN.
>> I KNOW, BUT IT'S OKAY, CECIL,
CECIL, I THOUGHT I TALKED TO YOU
ABOUT GOING UP NORTH?
>> WELL, I WAS ON MY WAY UP
NORTH, BUT THEN IT HIT ME.
I'M FROM THE SOUTH, I LOVE THE
SOUTH, I'M FROM THE SOUTH.
NOW I'M FREE, WHAT POSSIBLE
REASON WOULD THERE BE FOR ME TO
LEAVE THE SOUTH.
BARTENDER!
>> CECIL, CECIL.
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO PUT THIS,
THINGS ARE STILL A LITTLE TENSE
AROUND HERE.
>> LOOK AT THOSE GIRLS OVER
THERE.
THEY ARE CHECKING ME OUT.
SHOULD WE GO OVER THERE AND TALK
TO THEM?
>> NO, NO, NO.
>> I'VE HAD ALL THE FLAVORS FROM
CHOCOLATE TO DARK CHOCOLATE.
NOW THAT I'M A FREE MAN.
>> DON'T TALK ABOUT FLAVORS.
>> EXCUSE ME, SIR, WHY ARE YOU
STARING AT ME?
>> WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, MA'AM,
YOU'RE A LITTLE BONY FOR MY
TASTE.
I WAS LOOKING AT YOUR FRIEND.
>> OH, ME?
SHE'S NOT INTERESTED.
>> WELL!
>> CATHERINE.
>> SORRY, BUT THESE HAVE BEEN
THE BEST 12 DAYS OF MY LIFE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> YOU TAKE YOUR FRIEND AND GET
ON OUT OF HERE.
>> OH, OKAY, I SEE WHAT THIS IS
ALL ABOUT.
IT'S BECAUSE HE'S CANADIAN, HUH?
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF
YOURSELF.
ON BEHALF OF MY AMERICAN
BRETHREN, I APOLOGIZE.
LET'S TOAST.
BARTENDER!
>> CECIL, THEY'RE NOT UPSET
BECAUSE I'M CANADIAN OR BECAUSE
I'M HERE.
THEY'RE UPSET BECAUSE YOU'RE
HERE.
>> WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
>> JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE A FREE
MAN DOESN'T MEAN THAT EVERYBODY
ELSE IS HAPPY ABOUT IT YET.
>> OH, COME ON.
I MEAN, I GET THAT THEY WOULD BE
MAD FOR THE FIRST COUPLE OF
DAYS.
BUT IT'S BEEN TWO WEEKS.
AND BY THE WAY, NOT THAT I WOULD
EVER PLAY THAT CARD, BUT IF
ANYONE SHOULD BE MAD ABOUT IT,
IT WOULD BE ME.
OH, AND LOOK, IT'S JASPER FROM
MY OLD PLANTATION.
HEY, JASPER!
JASPER!
JASPER OVER HERE.
NO HARD FEELINGS, BABY.
THAT'S THE WAY IT BREAKS.
HE CAN'T SEE ME.
>> HE SEES YOU.
THEY ALL SEE YOU.
>> EVERYBODY BUT THE BARTENDER.
HEY, HEY, MAN.
>> LOOK, IF YOU WANT TO GET
SERVED, YOU BEST GO TO THE BACK.
>> YOU HEAR THAT?
THE VIP.
>> OH!
>> WE'RE FINE HERE, BUT WHILE I
HAVE YOU --
>> CECIL, YOUR FAITH IN MANKIND
IS ADMIRABLE.
IT'S A MISTAKE TO THINK RACISM
ENDED WITH SLAVERY.
IT WILL PROBABLY ENDURE FOR A
FEW MORE YEARS, IF NOT
CENTURIES.
>> THIS IS MY SONG, I'M GOING TO
START A DANCE PARTY.
>> NO, LISTEN, DON'T LET WHITE
PEOPLE SEE YOU DANCE, ONCE THEY
SEE YOU DANCE, THEY'LL TRY TO
DANCE LIKE YOU.
>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
THEY'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO DANCE
LIKE ME?
>> OF COURSE NOT, BUT THEY WILL
TRY AND TRY.
IT WILL BE A CATASTROPHE.
JUST LOOK AT THESE WOMEN.
>> MY GOD, I GUESS I NEVER
REALIZED THE PRICE OF BEING
FREE.
>> IT COMPLICATES IT, LET'S SAY
WE GET OUT OF HERE.
>> DEAL.
>> HEY, I WAS JUST THINKING, YOU
THINK THE NEXT PRESIDENT WILL BE
BLACK?
>> I DON'T THINK IT WILL BE THE
NEXT ONE.
>> WELL, IT'S BEEN TWO WEEKS.
>>> THANKS FOR DINING AT RUTH'S
CHRIS.
>> HAVE A GOOD NIGHT, YOU GUYS.
>> WOW!
REMIND ME NOT TO WORK HALLOWEEN
AGAIN.
>> YEAH, THIS PLACE IS EMPTY
TONIGHT.
>> YEAH, I MEAN, GOD I CAN'T
WAIT TO GET OUT OF HERE, MAN.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO DO
WHEN WE GET OUT?
I'M GOING TO TRY TO GET A LITTLE
SOMETHIN' SOMETHIN'.
>> YOU KNOW I'M TRYING TO DO THE
SAME.
I'M TRYING TO GET SOME SEXY
GOING ON FOR SURE.
>> I HEAR THAT, SON.
>> WHAT?
WHY ARE YOU GUYS TALKING LIKE
THAT.
>> THAT'S HOW WE TALK WHEN WE'RE
TALKING ABOUT SEX.
YOU HAVE TO MAKE IT SMOOTH, SON.
>> PLEASE DON'T CALL ME SON.
>> I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL I GET TO
DO IT.
>> YEAH, ME TOO.
I BET I'D BE GOOD AT IT.
>> HELL, YEAH, SON, WHEN I DO
IT, THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE TO
CALL ME PERFECTION.
I'M GOING TO BE LIKE, OOH.
YOU KNOW.
>> YEAH.
RIGHT.
>> THAT'S HOW I'M GOING TO DO IT
WHEN I GET TO DO IT.
>> YEAH, LET'S GET REAL.
THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE TO CALL ME
IMPACT.
AROUND ABOUT 2:00 A.M. SOME
NIGHT, YOU KNOW I'M GOING TO BE
LIKE.
>> OKAY, I'M SORRY.
THIS IS PERSONAL.
BUT ARE YOU GUYS ALL VIRGINS?
>> YES, WE ARE.
>> ABSOLUTELY.
>> NOT FOR LONG, THOUGH.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
>> IF I GET TO DO IT, IF I EVER
GET TO DO IT, THEY'RE GOING TO
CALL ME INTENSITY, MAN.
I'M GOING TO BE LIKE, ALL LIKE.
>> YEAH!
>> WHERE DO YOU PICTURE THE
OTHER PERSON?
>> YEAH, EXACTLY, LIKE WHERE?
WHERE?
>> YO, THEY'D HAVE TO CALL ME
IMPATIENT.
BECAUSE I'M GOING TO BE LIKE
PEEWEE AND MAKE THAT AS MY
PLAYHOUSE LIKE THIS.
>> THAT'S SEX.
>> THAT'S NOT SEX.
NONE OF THIS IS SEX.
>> EXCUSE ME.
>> YES, CAN WE HELP YOU?
>> WE WERE WONDERING IF WE COULD
MOVE FURTHER AWAY FROM YOU, IF
YOU WERE GOING TO CONTINUE TO
TALK ABOUT SEX?
>> YES, ABSOLUTELY, WHEREVER
YOU'D LIKE.
>> I MEAN, FOR REAL, THOUGH, FOR
REAL.
WHEN I DO GET TO DO IT, I'M
GOING TO BE LIKE A CARTOON
GUY RUNNING AWAY FROM --
>> THAT WILL WORK.
>> ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
>> OOOH, DOROTHY, QUIET, YOU'RE
MARRIED, TELL US HOW YOU DO IT
AND DON'T LEAVE ANYTHING OUT,
EVEN IF IT SEEMS OBVIOUS.
>> I'M NOT GOING TO TALK ABOUT
MY SEX LIFE WITH YOU GUYS.
>> I GOT YOU.
I RESPECT THAT.
BUT REAL QUICK, IS THERE EVER A
POINT WHERE YOU'RE LIKE BEHIND
THE GUY?
OR THAT'S NOT WORTH IT, BECAUSE
THAT'S NOTHING, RIGHT?
>> I CAN'T REALLY THINK OF WHAT
THAT WOULD BE.
>> BUT ME, ME, I WANT TO GET
THAT SURGERY IN THE BUTT, SO YOU
CAN GO ALL NIGHT, FOREVER.
>> WHAT?
I DON'T KNOW.
>> NO, NO, SEE FOR ME, THOUGH,
I'M GOING TO BE AS SEXY AS A
DRACULA COMING OUT OF A COFFIN,
YOU KNOW LIKE, WOOOOOOO.
>> I'M GOING TO MAKE MY FACE AS
BIG AS IT CAN GO.
LIKE
>> I'M GOING TO BE LIKE A GUY
WHO KEEPS SLIPPING ON ICE.
HE'S LIKE, WHOA!
WHOA!
>> SEE, WHEN I DO IT, I'M GOING
TO BE A TURN OF THE CENTURY
SOUTHERN WOMAN, WHO KEEPS
PICKING UP HER BLOOMERS LIKE --
DRIVING ALL THE BOYS CRAZY, SON.
>> SO, YOU'RE GAY?
>> WHAT?
I'M ABOUT TO WHOOP YOUR ***.
>> OH, MY GOD.
I HATE THIS JOB, I JUST WISH I
DIDN'T LIKE YOU GUYS SO DAMN
MUCH.
YOU KNOW WHAT, I HAVE A BOOK I
COULD GIVE YOU THAT EXPLAINS ALL
THIS STUFF --
>> NO, BOOKS ARE FOR NERDS.
>> NO, NO, YOU COULD MAYBE JUST
WATCH US AND SEE IF SOMETHING
LOOKS LIKE SEX, YOU COULD JUST
SAY IT.
>> NO.
>> THAT'S NOTHING.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> OH, HI FRIENDS.
WELL, IT'S THAT SPOOKY TIME OF
YEAR AGAIN, HALLOWEEN, AND I
HAVE A FRESH BATCH OF GOODIES IN
STORE FOR ALL OF OUR TRICK OR
TREATERS, WHY DON'T WE SEE WHAT
THEY'RE GOING TO GET THIS YEAR,
SHALL WE?
THIS IS A LITTLE SNICKERS, THEY
SAY IT'S FUN SIZED.
NO ARGUMENTS FROM ME, WINK.
>> NOW, THIS LOOKS LIKE A
REESE'S CUP, BUT GUESS WHAT'S
INSIDE?
KALE CHIPS, GOT YOU FATTY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> THIS IS AN ALMOND JOY, NOW,
ALMOND JOY'S GOT NUTS.
TMI ALMOND JOY, GEEZ.
DO YOU LIKE HALLOWEEN, DIEGO?
>> YEAH.
>> DIEGO'S MY SON.
HE LOVES HALLOWEEN.
I LIKE YOUR COSTUME, DIEGO, WHAT
ARE YOU?
>> BONES.
>> OKAY.
WHAT ELSE HAVE WE GOT IN HERE?
THIS IS A BAZOOKA JOE BUBBLE
GUM.
I ALREADY TOOK A PEEK AT THE
COMIC INSIDE, SURPRISE,
SURPRISE, IT IS FUNNY AS ALL
HELL.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> NOW, THIS IS A PEANUT SCOTCH
TAPED TO AN M&M, BECAUSE THAT'S
JUST HOW MY MIND WORKS.
NOW, THIS IS A RING POP.
I TOLD MY WIFE IT WAS A RUBY,
AND SHE WAS LIKE, CAN WE NOT,
PLEASE?
>> NOW, THIS IS A PEZ DISPENSER
WITH MY HEAD ON IT.
TO MAKE IT ACCURATE I FILLED IT
UP WITH WHAT I ATE LAST NIGHT,
BUT DON'T WORRY, I JUST HAD PEZ.
DIEGO, WHAT'S GOING ON WITH THAT
PUMPKIN?
>> I MADE THE MOUTH TOO BIG.
>> HE'S A HOT LITTLE MESS.
>> OKAY, NOW, THIS, IF YOU LOOK
CLOSE IS ONE SINGLE NERD.
CAN YOU GET IN A LITTLE CLOSER?
PSYCH, THAT'S A BOOGY.
NOW, THIS IS THE MOVIE, "CARS
2."
LOOK WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU OPEN
THE CASE, NO DVD.
NOW WHO'S IN CONTROL.
THIS IS A BABY RUTH.
AND THIS IS AN ADULT RUTH.
>> I'M RUTH.
>> WHOA!
DIEGO, WHAT HAPPENED?
>> I GOT TP'D.
>> DIEGO THOUGHT HE SAW A GHOST
LAST NIGHT, BUT IT TURNS OUT IT
WAS JUST A SHEET OVER A DEAD
CORPSE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> HEY, LOOK, THESE ARE RAZOR
BLADES, BUT THEY'RE STILL IN THE
PACK, SO THIS TIME THEY'LL HAVE
TO ARREST ME FOR GENEROSITY.
>> THIS IS A KLONDIKE BAR?
WHAT WOULD I DO FOR A KLONDIKE
BAR?
I'D SUCK ANYTHING YOU PUT IN
FRONT OF ME, I'M SERIOUS.
I LOVE KLONDIKE BARS.
>> OOH, IS THAT A CANDY CORN
MOJITO?
OH, IT'S YUMMY, I GUESS I'M
GIVING THAT TWO-YEAR CHIP BACK.
>> IT'S SALTY.
>> HAPPY HALLOWEEN, DIEGO.
>> HAPPY HALLOWEEN, DAD.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN ADULT RUTH.
>> HAVE A SPOOKTACULAR HALLOWEEN
FROM DIEGO, DAD AND ADULT RUTH.
>>> HAS ANYBODY EVER HAD MORE
FUN THAN I JUST DID?
NO.
THANK YOU TO JANELLE MONAE, ALEC
BALDWIN, MILEY CYRUS, LOREN
MICHAELS AND HIS CAST.