Tip:
Highlight text to annotate it
X
The sun is dreading rising this morning.
A newly deployed soldier has dreamed
of fighting in the Afghan War since he was a little kid.
And the Department of Treasury
releases a new "Monsters of the Silver Screen" line
of $20 bills. Eons from today
the wise ones will speak in hushed tones
of the glory that was the Onion Week in Review.
Overwhelmed by the ever-mounting list of problems it faces,
the nation finally broke down this week
and begged its smart people to please just fix everything now.
Everybody from local citizens to prominent politicians
apologized for messing everything up
and pleaded with US scientists, economists, educators,
philosophers and inventors to intervene.
You were right, we were wrong.
We have no *** idea what we're doing.
Please smart people, just make things better now, okay?
In order to more accurately portray the risks of smoking
the FDA has approved putting a picture of Trish
on the cover of all cigarette packs.
Clinical trials suggest that images of diseased organs,
corpses and deformed infants all proved less effective
than a single photograph of Trish smiling.
Smokers can expect to see the graphic campaign
as early as next month,
paired with a simple line of text
that reads: "cigarettes cause Trish."
In science news, a new study find that every style of parenting
inevitably produces disturbed and miserable adults.
Despite a great variance in parenting styles
across populations, from overprotective to permissive,
the end product is always the same,
a profoundly flawed and joyless human being.
One bright note of the study,
adults can find temporary happiness
when they're able to perpetuate the cycle of human misery
by having children.
In Sports, John Madden agrees to work as a consultant
for the Oakland Raiders concession stands.
In other news,
the Pulitzer Board adds a giant pumpkin category,
a local man's utter failure in life is a bit of a sore spot,
and some trick or treaters
mistakenly choose to bypass a Jewish house.
Doctor Klaus Steiffenbacher, if you are listening
bring back what you have stolen from us
and we promise you will not be harmed.
For more news visit theonion.com/newsbeat