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The Lecture of My Life: The Courage to Be Me! -Gil Bar-On :-)
Hello Everyone!
I'm happy you came.
Without you it wouldn't have happened, that's for sure.
And Thanks also to all the people who
who wanted to come, but couldn't make it.
The fact that they wanted to come had also encouraged me to do this.
This is my dream, I felt that it's important that I'll talk about my life.
I felt that I didn't just went through things in my life for nothing,
At least I'll share my lessons, that other people wouldn't fall to the same pits.
So I will just start from when I remember myself,
as a kid, who was very sad, in kindergarten.
I didn't undestand.. I didn't have any friends, I had no one.
At first I didn't know what I'm doing here, I felt that I didn't any friends..
The children didn't feel to me, like they are like me.
I felt like I'm the adult, and for some reason I'm here with these children.
I would just make circles in the kindeergarten, back and forth,
Swinging on the swing...
I even thought I was maybe a robot, Or something like that..
I didn't know what am I..
What's my connection to them anyway?
And...
That's it, that's the way I grew up.. Also in primary school,
I also remember myself alone.
I had all sorts of friends, but I always felt I had to go after them,
to catch up after these friends.
I felt they didn't really want me and I'm not suitable for them at all.
And...
At some stage, I had a problem with my left ear.
They found out it was some kind of a virus, and I had to have surgery in my left ear.
And then..
From that moment on, That's it, I can't dive anymore,
I can't allow water to enter my ear.
That means a story with the ear doctor, for the rest of my life.
A doctor once told me, it's like a Catholic wedding..
So That's it.
And..
All the doctors are happy when they have a patient like this,
Because they know that that's it, it's a permanent patient.
So again, it enhanced my feeling that I'm different even more...
But this is nothing, it's really something you get used to.
And that's it..
And then over time.. I had a very good friend,
That at one point, I felt that.. I remember that I slept at his house,
And then I started crying.. Suddenly I've realized
Suddenly, I didn't understand what is my connection with him..
I've decided to cut my contact with the whole group..
I felt bad about it but, But I felt that I had to do this for myself.
I remember the moment that I hung out with that group.. and I even went alone to a movie,
in Dizengoff, when I was 12, and I was very happy about it.
I felt that here, I can..
I can hang out with myself, I don't need these people..
Then I've started reading all sorts of books, There were books called:
"Stranger Than Fiction" which are stories about the Paranormal..
There actually I've started to put things inside my head..
UFOs, suddenly became very interesting to me.
Then I thought to myself- "Ah! Maybe I'm from another planet?"
Maybe I'm just not from here, they will come and get me..
I'm a researcher here..
I need to collect all sorts of information about the humans,
and one day they will come and get me.
And.. I used to go to the balcony, almost every night, in the evening..
I used to look at the stars and wait.. Wait and wait...
I asked myself- "Come on already!
When are they going to get me? What's going on here??"
I also read about the prophecies of the end of the world,
1999, Nostradamus, so I had a voice in my head which told me:
"Don't worry.. A little bit more.."
"Wait.." Then it was, I think, 1994..
"Another 5 years, hold on for 5 years, and that's it.."
I was then in a stage I was very suicidal,
I really didn't want to live in this world, because I felt I wasn't from here..
There was even, There was one day when..
That I've decided that that's it, I'm going on the roof,
That's it, enough.. Enough.
And then my father excatly arrived, and he just wanted something..
So I told myself, "Well, maybe.." I suddenly understood that there are people,
who care about me.
What was strange, that there were crows, a flock of crows,
Which exactly when I was there on the roof, when I thought about it,
I remember it was early in the morning, suddenly came a lot of crows, crows crows.
I didn't undestand it, What do they feel something? They know something is about to happen..
In the end, I gave up on the idea. I remember the moment I've decided that...
That I'm important to myself, was when I had a conversation with my cousin,
And she made me upset.. she used to live near me.
She made me upset and then I thought to myself: "How does she dare??"
I'm going to die soon, and she.. how does she dare?
And then I understood that I'm.. I'm important to myself.
It's nice that I fought for myself.
And.. That's it.
Then I went to junior high school, the situation got ever worse..
I felt even more like an outsider.
I would walk to school, in a total depression,
I could hardly move even...
I just dragged myself every morning..
And then, then something had started.. I started to have obsessive compulsive thoughts,
It is called: OCD. This voice in the head,
"You have to do this, or else you will die! If you don't organize this, you'll die..
Or your parents with die.. Someone, or something will happen..."
For example, I had to organize this, exactly on the tile, or else.. That's it!
Or else, I can't get on with the day. This is how I would get back from school,
If there was a maid in the house, that means that that is it, All the day is gone,
I need to organize all of the shelves, all the stuff in my room,
So they'll be exactly where they supposed to be.
So I was just tired of this. Also my writing, I used to write and erase, write and erase..
My handwriting was tiny, tiny, tiny.. and I didn't know what to do with this..
That I can't stand it anymore.. I was sick of this..
Then one day, I remember this moment.. I made a chart to check what's the situation.
5.. in numbers, plus 3, minus 3.
Then, I remember it was in the evening, there was a piece of paper I threw away in the trash,
and this voice in my head told me again:
"Pick it up! You didn't throw it in the right way, Do it again!"
Then I told myself- That's it! Now it's over.
I'm going to fight it, I'm not going to keep this up..
and that's it. From that moment on I decided,
That I would just ignore this voice. I've decided I will not do what it tells me..
And then, it came by chance at a time..
That I've started to get interested in Vegetarianism.
Just at that time..
My neighbor's father killed himself,
Also my cat, whom I loved dearly and was also my best friend,
He as well.. One day he had disappeared, and then we found him dead in the back yard.
And also, a good friend of my brother, had also died from a weird accident,
Something that had happened to him. And also they didn't know if it was an accident,
or maybe a suicide. That means a lot of things happened simultaneously.
And I was just in my room and suddenly.. Suddenly I had some sort of an insight,
I don't even know how it happened. A lot of things connected and I suddenly understood
The purpose of life is to do good to others. It means, if I'll help others or save the world,
Or something like that, then my life is worth it. Just for that, it's worth it to me to be alive.
Then I had some kind of a purpose, some kind of a destiny.
And just that gave me some kind of joy of life.
Simultaneously, it's interesting that my brother got into this kind of a cult.
Someone who caught him when he was in a crisis after his friend had died.
He brought him into a commune with a guru, and then he was into Hare Krishna and Vegetarianism..
And he gave me this kind of document, I just read it, it was about the suffering which
the animals undergo, and that it's not good for the environment..
and that was it, that was enough for me. Then I became a vegetarian,
Then in that time there was no Gary, there weren't all of these horror videos..
And just the day after that, I've eaten some meat patties and then even before
I'd got them into my mouth, I told myself: "That's it, it's over with.
From this moment I'm a vegetarian.."
I felt very good with this. It was still a not a very easy time,
but, overall, I felt like I'm advancing somewhere..
When I was a kid, I used to let my aggressions out on plants in the garden..
There was a kitten of my neighbor, whom I wasn't nice to.
I didn't abuse him, but I wasn't nice to him.
And then one day, I suddenly cried, I suddenly understood what a bad person I was.
Suddenly I realized that I wasn't good according to my own ideals,
So it enforces my Vegetarianism even more. Especially after my cat whom I loved so much.
Then unfortunately to me, I've found this book about Veganism, that till this day people quote from,
I really warn people from this book, I wouldn't even say its name..
Or maybe I will.. It was a book by Isaac Ben-Uri.
That then, at age 17, everything you read, that's it! it's the whole truth, there's no wisecracks..
You must go by the book.. And he then wrote about Raw Food,
which means to eat only uncooked food. Only vegetables and fruits. You mustn't cook.
That means that rice is not healthy, bread is not healthy, salt is not healthy,
Sugar is not healthy..
And then I got myself into this regimen..
Only.. Really, only fruits, in the morning.. And all these rules..
At one point, I got tired of all this obsession with the food.. With dealing with food...
I started becoming thiner and thiner.
Now, I felt healthy and I didn't even see this. I was quite happy because suddenly I had energy
There is something in these things, but simply not in adolescence,
and not in an excessive way.
Now, I think I was the only one who came to high school happy,
I had energies, I felt good. I remember that in gym class I had lots of strength,
the teacher told me: "Why are you fooling around?" I just threw a basketball and somehow
it was too strong apparently. And then I really had powers.. Physical I mean.
And I was very happy, I wasn't too flaky, and I didn't even had this OCD,
I don't remember even that I had dealt with it.
It's possible that the OCD had moved to the food. That need to be perfect in the eating issue
and health issues, that was the new thing.
Then over time, I've started to get more into Spirituality.
So there was another thing.
Plus, the prophecies which haven't got out of my head yet.
I was still hoping that..
That the end of the world would come,
Because that was what I was waiting for,
I wanted to save the world, I wanted to help people.
So then, in my eyes, I was between worlds, I still went to high school, I really suffered there,
I wasn't feeling good.. But at least on the inside, I felt good with myself.
I felt that I was bored there. But despite it, I managed to hold on.
Then one day, at school.. That what's amazing..
People need to understand, How much the internet..
The internet is accessible to everyone, but it's also dangerous..
I saw on the internet someone that wrote that it's possible to live from the light,
That it's possible to live from air. It was called Breatharianism..
That it can be done.
And then I told myself- "Ahh! That's the solution!
There be not be any more dealing with food.."
And I told myself- "I'll be the most spiritual that's possible, what powers will I have..
What abilities... It's possible to get out of the body, with the soul..
It's possible to do all sort of things.. This is exactly what I need,
Thid way I could save the world and do a lot of good.."
Then I told myself- "How am I going to do this? There's no way my parents will agree to this..
Plus, after all, I have to save the world, so I need..
If the end of the world would come, then I need to be somewhere safe..
How do I plan this? Where do I meditate? How do I float with my soul?"
Then I've decided.. I'll go to Sinai, or Australia or Africa.
In the end, I wanted Congo, I didn't even know there was a war at that year..
And in the end, only because of the vaccines, becasue I didn't want to get vaccinated,
I've chosen to go to South Africa.
And then just like that, behind the backs of my parents,
I've made plans, I went to Issta (A traveling agency)..
And I remember that I went to the University of Tel Aviv, I bought myself a ticket.
Just like that, they don't ask any questions! At the age of 17, I bought a plane ticket
to South Africa.. And I've got a passport, I've done all that was needed..
Fortunately, at age 16, we traveled somewhere, so I've got a passport.
Then, at that time I had a plan to run away to New York, because I was more bourgeois,
I wanted to be like Seinfeld and Friends, so there's an improvement in my fantasies..
Then one day, I remember..
I wanted to get out of the back entrance of my cousins' house..
I had this bad feeling in my gut like it's not right, but I told myself- "I'm Going to Do This!"
I just did it, the taxi driver had waited for me there, took me to the airport,
And Hop! I flew away to South Africa, without telling to anyone,
except maybe hinting a little to my sister, my brother..
Then I got there..
And to just show how much my thoughts had took over me..
I didn't carry with me cloths, not too many things..
But a bag filled with books.. Books, books, books..
To get it even more into my head, that book by this Jasmuheen about Breatharianism,
That's her name, of this guru-like woman.
And all sort of books about the subject, in order to to reinforce it.
So I would stick with it... Even though, it was obvious that I personally,
didn't want to.. But I felt like I was forcing myself.
I've arrived to a hotel and then I tried simply not to eat.
And really there was a moment that I felt really good.
Suddenly I've done some push-ups just like that, without getting tired, and I told myself:
"Here, it's working, I'm doing it!"
I simply continued.. I took the train, I wandered around a little bit in Johannesburg,
It was very nice. There was a taxi driver, who till this day, I'll never forget that
he showed me the zoo, I gave him 100 Rend.. I was large because I didn't care,
because I didn't need money anymore. I even remember I tore a 200 Shekels bill..
Because I knew I don't need money anymore..
Fortunately for me, I didn't tear the return ticket, Something had told me: "No, you mustn't tear it."
Then I rode on a train for a whole day, I don't even remember for how much time.
I was very pleased with myself myself..
I told myself I just needed to get to that town, to that mountain, that's where I going to be.
And then I came to a near-by town, close to the place.
I wanted to arrive at Carnarvon, because it was exactly in the center of South Africa,
It looked like the safest, best place for what I needed to do..
I've arrived to a very nice town.. What's amazing was that,
A guy at age 17, thin, drove at night, with black men in a car,
with music in full volume.. They gave me a ride.
That's like that, I got into the car, without being afraid of anything..
Then I've arrived at the little town, that I loved very much.
And from there, I got a ride to the other town- Carnarvon.
Then at one night I suddenly had a feeling.. I had a dream or something like that,
That my father is coming to get me.
And then, really.. The next day,
It was even at the same day, I think, at the evening..
Suddenly I hear a knock on the door, My father had arrived.
Again, my father had saved me.. Yes..
Now it's obvious, that.. That later in retrospect,
I came to know how much suffering they had gone through, how much they had done
in order to find me.. Even that neighbor of mine..
And my brother.. Everyone together, with the Interpol, made a lot of efforts to find me.
But at the moment I've seen my father, I've understood that, that's it, it's hopless..
Now I can't.. I can't carry on with the plan.
So I told myself- "What do I really care?" I don't need..
I'll go together with everyone! What do I care?
If it's the end of the world, then o.k. I want to be with them.
It's totally alright.
And then simply out of my love for my father and for my parents, I felt that..
I felt that I'm caged actually.. But..
But I felt that I'm doing it by choice, after all...
Then we got home.. My mother gave me a hug, I felt like she was checking how thin I was..
I was angry at her. Only later, she told me I've imagined it..
Or maybe not...
And that was it..
Then there were lots of tensions with my parents..
They didn't understand... Obviously they didn't understand my reasons..
They had thought I was just..
They didn't understand everything, Why have I done this..
They had thought..
They didn't know about my plan, and my reasons for what I've done..
And then I've got kinda despaired.. After all I've done with the food,
I've felt like I've lost the momentum.
I agreed to return to high school. Somehow, fortunately to me,
They've postponed high school for a week, there was a strike or something.
Meaning, I've arrived to high school on time. I wasn't supposed, I didn't know I'll ever return..
So I kept on going to high school. I remember that one day I was so hungry,
Because in South Africa, what did I eat? Fruits, or juices and that's it.
I came to..
I got back from high school, And then suddenly I've charged over the food,
It started with soup nuts, prunes.. Whatever was there, I ate and ate and ate..
That's how, my stomach felt like the tummy of a pregnant woman..
I'm exaggerating, yes.. But I felt horrible- "What have I done?"
For According to my book, by Isaac Ben-Uri, cooked food is bad, it's poison..
All these sites on the internet said: "Cooked Food is Poison", a real brain wash..
They would even write: "If you're not 100% Raw Foodist,
then you can't join our community.. You don't only eat raw food."
They were my friends, my community, I didn't have real friends almost.
I did have some friends for laughs, but it was't worth anything.
And that's it..
And so it was like this, day after day. I get back, I would eat and eat and eat..
I was sick of it already..
And that boring high school..
I remember, one day in Literature class..
It's kinda funny, that I really love to write, and I really love to read,
My biggest passion is for writing..
So just in this class, the class I didn't like, because the teacher didn't pass it right
and she was annoying..
Then I told myself- "Why am I doing this? Why am I here? What is my purpose anyways?
For what, for whom am I doing this for? Why am I in high school anyways?"
That same day, I went to a field, There was a tree. I sat under ther tree,
I was very happy.. And that was it. I've decided I'm not coming back to school.
Then one morning, not much time had even passed,
I've decided I'll just be in my balcony, close the door and no one will know.
Then I open the door, my mother suddenly appears:
"I know you're not going to high school..
But just don't lie to me!"
She had already decided that I've decided to leave high school.
So I told myself, "If she had decided, then heck why not? I won't go to high school.
And then.. I just stayed at home, I didn't quite know what to do with myself,
Still with the food, every day I used to eat, then I would sit on the beanbag in the dark.
And that aching tummy.. The closed television made this red dot,
that I would look at it to pass the time..
I told myself that I can't run anymore, so at least in my dreams, maybe I will die,
Maybe I will succeed.. After all, I can't commit suicide, I can't do these things..
So maybe I..
I will manage to exit my body, maybe I will do it in meditations, or in a dream.
Maybe I will have a lucid dream, And then I will get out..
That's another thing, this is a myth. These Lucid Dreams, are like a computer game.
To run away to some kind of another reality, and not dealing with This reality.
A lot of teenagers are involved with this..
And...
And it didn't work out, no matter what I've done, nothing had worked.
Then suddenly there was this movie: "The Truman Show"
I went to see this movie,
It was a real shock. Those of you who aren't familiar with it,
This movie is with Jim Carrey,
who's whole life is actually a movie, and he doesn't know about it.
Everyone there are actors and characters, in some kind of Soup opera.
And everyone can see this show 24 hours a day.
Then one day he finds out about it, and decides to run away. He takes a boat,
sails into the sea, and arrives at the end, he arrived at a wall.
Then he can't pass through wall.
And in the end.. Suddenly he finds an Exit door.
Then suddenly the director talks to him like God, and tells him: "Truman, you can't leave..
You're my son, you're like my son. This is the only world you know.."
Then Truman tells him: "You have never been in my mind, you were never inside!"
He decided he's doing it. He goes to the unknown,
opens the door, and gets out.. At the Exit.
And I've watched this and just stayed till the end..
I have this thing.. That in movies I stay till the end.
I love to listen to music of the whole movie, till the end.
Then it took courage. I told myself- "Here, I will stay till the end,
The usher can say whatever he wants, I'm not moving from here.
It's my right to see the movie till the end.
Then I've just started to fight with what people think.
I've realized I have the right to do whatever I want.
I've seen this movie two more times. In one month, three times and in the cinema.
If we're talking about brainwashing, then this is another brainwash.
But I did this intentionally, because I wanted
to remind myself that, this world is also, is not the real world..
There's the Afterlife. I mean that this was the stage when..
I'd long deserted my interest with the UFOs.. This is also an interesting story.
When I would go to the balcony every day at about 10 o'clock at night,
for about an hour. I went outside barefoot even,
with short trousers, I wasn't cold. In the winter, in the summer..
Then one day at 7 o'clock in the afternoon, when there was still light outside,
Suddenly I got a feeling- "Get outside."
I got outside and I've seen 9 ellipses, in crimson color in V formation,
which one side was longer than the other, just like that were flying in the sky.
From East to West.
And I've just watched it, and I was in shock- "Here, it happened!
I'd finally seen them!" After 5 years I've waited..
And the most amazing thing was that I didn't have the urge to tell about it.
Like I felt that here, I got what I wanted, and suddenly I've realized that it's..
Actually, what am I doing with this? After all, I'm not getting out of here..
And from this moment on..
No more of this subject of UFO's.. It just didn't interest me.
I'd suddenly realized..
I believed that they might have interfered with the humans kind..
That they've meddled the humans' genes, and maybe that's why the humans
have larger and more advanced brains, and why they are so violent and immoral..
Because their souls is not ready for the body yet..
So then suddenly I've realized that the aliens are not that good,
those that I've admired so much.. I told myself I rather think I'm an old soul,
and that's why I feel like this.. I had many lifetimes.
I remember the day, when I was at age 14, That I told myself:
"That's it! This is my last reincarnation! I'll do what it takes,
so I won't reincarnate here again. I'll do everything the right way,
..Everything better. I'll help others.. I remember the movie- "Groundhog Day".
That was my Ideal..
That in the end, he knows all the people in the town.
Everything he does is doing good to everyone, and he knows everyone.
I've really cried in this movie.
As you can see, I was really influenced by the movies and television,
because that was what I was doing most of the day..
I had the series- "Quantum Leap". Again, someone who comes back in time,
in the bodies of others, and fixes that went wrong..
"To set things right, that once went wrong.."
And...
This too.. I felt he's like me! I also came here in a body to do something good.
That was the Me of myself, I was willing to accept.
Not just someone who is here, by mistake and suffers..
I felt that I am a mature soul, I want to help people.
And it took me a lot of years to realize that everything I've gone through
is Exactly what I wanted. I really wanted to save the world,
and help people..
There's nothing like helping others, as being wherever they are.
That means.. To suffer the things they had suffered from,
to fall into the same pits.
I already had OCD, anxieties, suicidal thoughts, depressions..
I already had all kind of stuff..
So then I felt that I'm strong. I've started reading...
About Near-Death Experiences.
I had this book, and it's funny because it looks like it encourages to be suicidal..
But it's also true, because there was something about it, that had caused me
to want all the time to go over to the afterlife. Because I've read that there's the Light..
There's God who Loves me unconditionally, and we meet the people we loved..
So it felt like this is what I want to do.
But one who studies this subject even more, understands that it's...
Understands that if we come to this world, it's a sign that there's something
which is more important than to be there in the Afterlife and in Heaven,
where everything there is all good..
There's something in Here, that's very meaningful:
It's very easy to love in the afterlife, but in this world, it's the real challenge.
In here people need the most help.
Also in all of the times I wanted to commit suicide, then I was thinking about it..
Then I'd remember in the stories of people.. Who had committed suicide,
and didn't arrive at the same place..
They had caged themselves in their own hell, of their own thoughts.
We can't run away from ourselves..
And This is actually what held me on.
Instead of making me want to go to the Afterlife even more..
One who really investigates this, appreciates life even more.
Out of all those people who had died, no one wanted to come back.
But all of those who had returned, felt it was important they'll be here.
The reason I'm sharing this, is because after watching The Truman Show,
I've decided that that's it, it's the end. Like Truman who went into the sea,
I also want to go into the sea, there I will die..
Not to jump of a building and scare people, I didn't want to shock others.
And I remember I was there on the beach, I didn't even take with me
enough money to get back, nothing, nothing in my bag, my ID card, nothing..
I just left the bag on the sand..
And till this day I remember that there was this old person who just didn't move.
"When will he leave? I can't do anything untill he goes away."
The evening had come already..
Who knows? Maybe he was my Guardian Angel? I don't know who was this man..
In the end, he finally left. I told myself: "That's it!
The time has come, Now I'm going to to it..."
I've started entering the sea, My heart was really pounding..
Tak Tak, Tak Tak..
I've really got to the end of the waves, at night..
And they were huge..
They washed me away..
Then suddenly came a huge wave, which totally flipped me..
I remember I got to the bottom of the ocean with my finger,
With the finger I touched the ground, somehow I managed to lift myself up..
And then I got out. Still my heart was pounding..
I've decided- "Well, I'll go for a minute to the shore, I'll get back later..
I'll try it again..."
I've reached the shore... Suddenly I was so Happy!
I told myself: "Hey, why should I do this actually?
Why should I..
Why should I do this? After all, what am I afraid of?"
Suddenly I realized that if I'm already here, then I can do whatever I Want!
No one is forcing me! What is this? If I can die whenever I want anyways..
So I'll do whatever I feel like! Suddenly I was so Happy!
I was just happy, from the realization that I'm Really Free.
I don't have to die, I don't have to do anything that I don't want to.
And then I simply decided that I.. I will live the life I believe in.
Then I had this pressure from my parents, that if I'm not studying
then at least I'll go to work.
So I've decided, simply working as a waiter at this restaurant.
That was the last time I agreed to be a waiter..
It was in Herzlia Pituah.
Near it, there was a book store, with all kinds of Spiritual New Age books.
So I bought them.. Finally there were books which were positive,
Sanaya Roman channels Orin, all sort of stuff like that..
Suddenly I've seen books about Love..
About Loving Yourself.. Then actually began the age.. It was already 1999.
The books of the old days, are not like the books of today. There was this..
People were beginning to develop spiritually, there were no more- "They're bad, they're good.."
"Planet Earth is bad, heaven is a good.." There was a kind of advancement in the awareness
and I've started to think more positive. There was Louise L. Hay, and there was..
Today there's Wayne Dyer whom I really love.
Everyone had changed over time, to become more loving, even to one another.
I've come to realize that spirituality is less important and Love is much more important.
Spirituality is just nothing.. It's beliefs..
And matter is matter.. But Love is exactly in the middle.
I don't have to be.. I can be someone with mental disability, I can be a dog..
It's very easy to understand. Everyone can understand Love.
Then I've started becoming a very loving person. But still I was very high up in the air,
Because the period of the eating issue was still not over with..
And then I got stronger.. Then one day, after again I was eating, eating and eating..
Suddenly I told myself- "Why should I suffer this? There must be a way out.."
Then I thought- "Why not throw it up?"
So then I've started throwing up, without using the fingers, nothing like that..
I had this method, I thought that in this way I won't have any damage..
And I was happy about it- "Here, I've done it! Now I don't have to suffer with the food.."
Because I had thought this food was bad.. "Then I could slowly, slowly, return to what
I was before, when I was a vegan and was eating raw food..
And eating healthy food.. After all, I felt good back then..
And so it was for a time, that I still can't believe that it had been for so long..
I don't even remember for how long it was.. Probably for two years.
It's Amazing that it was for so long, because I had a lot of free time,
and my parents weren't at home.. I would come, open the refrigerator,
eat, eat and eat, throw up.. Again, eat and eat and eat..
That's how it had been, repeating itself...
And each time, there was this High. After each time, I was feeling clean,
I was feeling this High...
Over time, I've deciphered it.. I'd tried to find tricks.. How do I get out of this?
What is the food actually? I've tried to decipher it, to understand it.
I've realized that it's the Love, the love of food, which is found in food.
So each time I've eaten bought foods, like cake or chocolate.. It was disgusting, it was..
Sometimes I recommend people to do it, in order to understand how much the food is..
Horrible, on the way back. Suddenly you see it the way it really is..
And so I've seen that home cooked food is more pure.. I've realized that..
It's the love that does it, the emotion which connects with the food..
Chocolate does something to the hormones, it does something hormonal.
I've got what I needed, that high.. And that was it, I didn't need the food.
So I felt I could understand the Ancient Greeks, who used to do this all the time..
They used to eat all the time, throw up.. And these were their lives.. The Hedonists..
I couldn't get out of it.. It had frustrated me, "Why can't I get out of it?"
And, "Why can't I just eat my normal food? My boring food, lettuce and almonds..
and all of that nonsense.. Because I had already gave up the living on air idea..
And I couldn't manage to get out of this..
Then the time had came for me to get recruited into the army..
Already as a kid.. My sister loved to watch the movie, "Hair".
And already then I would say- "There no chance I'll go to the army, I'm not going to kill anyone,
I'm against wars.. I will Never join the army..
And that was it, I've already decided.
Till this day I think he was a moron.. The only good thing that got out from him was
that he said he would write a letter to the army, so they will discharge me.
Because I also had problems with my ears, and I forgot to mention that when I was 14,
I had a virus in my eyes, which was very dangerous..
That was a time my mother was really helping me.
I was very negative and was very angry at her, I didn't understand what do they want,
I was just happy I had a vacation. I really loved the hospital.. Till this day,
I really love hospitals.. I love the people, I love the doctors.
Because I was always more connected to the grown ups.
Also, for me it was such a relief, suddenly not going to the junior high school I've hated.
Now what's amazing is that thanks to the ear problem and the problem with the eyes,
they told me I will not go to the combat force.. I was sure I will not get drafted at all.
I told them, "I will not do anything worthwhile anyhow, so it's not worth it for you to recruite me."
Then suddenly I received a drafting letter, that in the end they did decide to draft me.
I didn't know what am I supposed to do now? How do I get out of it?
I was just against it, I love everyone.. I need to..
My purpose in life was to help the Whole world, to save the Whole world and to Love Everyone..
I didn't even have the term- "I'm a human being", I didn't feel I belong..
So to say I'm an Israeli, and that I'm against another nation?
So what had happened was that simply..
One day, I was talking on the phone with a friend of my sister,
And suddenly he told me, after I told him the story:
"Gil, No one can force you.."
So then I'd realized- "It's true! They really can't force me!
What can they do to me? After all, to..
To school I went just because my parents had told me:
"If you won't go, they'll put us in jail.."
So I did it for them.. I felt that I owe it to them, to go to school.
And suddenly I've realized that no one can do anything to me anymore.
I wrote an appeal, that's the power of my writing, that again had saved me.
And it worked! I simply wrote them, I told them- "Look, listen to all I've gone through..
My veganism.. The.. Even high school I couldn't stand..
All of my suicidal thoughts.. It's not worth it for you to take the risk.
And really.. It was really true, for even if I wanted to go to the army,
it would have been the end of me.. I would never make it in the strict structure,
that I would suffer and wouldn't have anything to eat of my food..
I told them: "It's not worth to take the risk.." And it worked. I was even discharged..
Not on a mental ground, but on a health ground.
Since they realized, that even because of the health reason,
it wasn't worth it for them.
And this was thanks to all that had happened in South Africa and with the army,
I also had the strength to tell my parents:
"I want to go to a Kibbutz, this had always been what I wanted...
I want to be in nature, I want.. This is my dream, a community."
Then I've decided to go to a kibbutz in the Arava called Samar.
There was the Best time of my life.
Which proves that he who insists on what he believes in, wins the prizes.
He who sacrifices and suffers, suffers and suffers..
Shouldn't expect he'll get some prize. It's not like God wants us to suffer..
And Truly it was a very good time. I still had bulimia, I still had problems,
But..
But I was Happy.
I used to ride the bicycle, on the mountains, I was even in my boxers..
I used to ride...
This was really an amazing thing..
I would just get out like that, without anything..
Riding and climbing on the mountains there..
There was one day I almost fell down from that mountain.. Suddenly..
And after I was saved from it, I suddenly realized that...
That my life had become important for me today, that I'm not the same person I was then..
Then in the desert there was the moment, I felt that finally..
For till then I believed in lots of spiritual things, I believed in the afterlife,
but I didn't even deal with the subject of God, it didn't interest me at all..
Suddenly, when I was in the desert, in that Amazing Arava..
Suddenly I felt God. Suddenly I've realized..
There must be, for sure.. God is Great, God Loves me!
It was obvious to me, that there is a God.
And I felt some kind of relationship, I felt that I'm not alone anymore..
And then I was very very Happy.. I had even more Love to give.
And then, what happened, was another trap I felt into..
That's another kind of law, that when someone is very happy and reaches
So the wolves will come.. Someone will come, suddenly the darkness will come.
The darkness loves to chase after the light..
So one day I went to a festival- Bereshit or Shantipi. There I found a book,
"Sai Baba".. Sai Baba, an Avatar..
I didn't even know what these things were, I didn't even deal with the Indians at all..
I read that he does miracles, that he's like god..
There's a friend here that I met thanks to this..
And that was it, I've decided I'm going to India, that's the best way to get closer to God,
So I had thought.. I felt that he will get me closest to him..
Suddenly, there was an article in "Haim Acherim" Magazine,
that a group is going to visit Sai Baba.
Well, then I've decided to do it.. In the kibbutz, they were very kind,
they gave me a few hundreds Shekels as a little help. I simply did it I flew there..
I was so detached from the Israeli culture, that I didn't even know that this is what
Israeli people do. I thought that I'm special, "Ahh, I'm making a spiritual journey in India..
I remember seeing the first Israeli person, with the "Shoresh" sandals,
I told him- "Wow! Look at this! Both of us are Israelis!"
So he's like- "Yeah, so what?" He didn't understand what I want from him..
He was the first Israeli I've seen, since I went to all sorts of places
that almost no one had gone to..
So eventually, I went to Sai Baba.. You could see him from a distance,
The only thing I got was that he made a hand gesture like this..
And I felt like- "Ahh, here, I'm special, it means something.."
There was a strict atmosphere in that place, and in the beginning I felt a lot of love..
I wanted to see him so badly, and there were ceremonies, I felt like- "Here, he knows
I'm watching him.." I felt like a little kid..
I wanted him to love me.. that he will see me..
And he feels everything, he know everything.. He will show up in the dreams..
So in short, one day suddenly they said that that's it, he's moving to another place..
So with all of the group, we moved to another place..
and there I felt less connected, since the first place Puttaparthi, was a huge place and everywhere you look there were slogans- "Don't Live to Eat, Eat to Live.." All sort of quotes- "Love All, Serve All" all kind of stuff... It was amazing, the hospital was filled with quotes of him and about love, and God.. Then I felt like this is a place of my own with people like me, loving people who look at you in loving eyes.. But anyhow I felt that I have to move on, I have to carry on with the journey..
We moved aside. I mean, we moved to another city..
But there I felt less connected, since the first place he had been, Puttaparthi,
Was a huge place and everywhere were slogans:
"Don't Live to Eat, Eat to Live.." All sort of quotes..
"Love All, Serve All" all these kind of stuff... It was amazing, the hospital was filled
with his quotes about love, and God..
Then I felt like this was a place of my own, with people like me, loving people who look
at you in this loving glance.. But anyhow, I felt that I have to move on,
I felt that I have to do something else, to carry on with the journey..
Someone had told me about Amma, the hugging guru, so I went to her in Kerala.
There, was a totally different atmosphere. Not a strict mental atmosphere,
but a very emotional one.. Everyone were very emotional, everyone were crying..
I met there someone, a young American Jewish woman, and I've started to fall in love with her,
I was happy that I've found "My One".. I remember we were lying on the roof of the ashram,
Suddenly she started to cry, I thought- "Ahh she's excited because I was singing to her.."
She said, "No, Amma, I miss Amma, My Amma.. I thought, "O.k. this place is not for me.."
They exaggerated.. There were dolls of her, again there was an idolization.
I remember I was so sad.. Again, I went on top of the ashram's roof, which was very beautiful.
But again, I felt that suicidal feeling, even here, were everyone are supposed to love..
"Amma, where is the Love?"
I mean, when I saw her, I really felt love.. Really, she's a very special woman.
She saw me and said: "Ohhh!" and looked me in the eyes and I really felt special to her.
I thought that maybe it means something, maybe she knows something..
But besides that, and that she whispered me some kind of mantra, I didn't feel that..
If she's so loving, all powerful, all knowing, she knows everything, she sees and feels everything,
then how doesn't she feels me? Where is the help here? Where are the people?
To me, it looked like these people only think about themselves.
No one even noticed I was sad.. They say: "Love, love love.."
But they only think about themselves.. It's like they're stuck in some kind of loop-
"Amma, Amma will save us..", like little children..
So I've decided to leave. There were very nice people in my room, one was an elderly man,
one was a young guy who looked like he had a little bit of retardation and one from Croatia.
They game me a book about all sorts of gurus in India. And so, like some kind of a grocery list,
I told myself, "Great! I'll go to him, then I'll go to him... and so on..
In 3 months, I've made almost the whole of India, all the time traveling from here to there.
Meanwhile I got sick with diseases, diarrheas.. One day I almost died there..
If I wouldn't have switched to a little better hotel, then no one would be there to take care of me..
I was lucky.. They treated me and gave me some kind of a pill.
Then I've reached to an ashram of another guru, Poonjaji, who had already died.
And his house was.. It reminded me a lot of my own home I grew up in Ramat Hasharon,
with a carpet.. Finally a cozy place, a villa.
Suddenly, I see an Israeli guy who started singing and playing a guitar.
It was a very beautiful song that till this day I remember..
Then suddenly I had a special experience, I felt like a child, what Fun! I could roll over..
I was alone, finally I was Alone! In India people are always staring and staring..
Suddenly I was so Happy! I felt like.. "That's it! Now I know what
everyone are talking about!" I felt like it's only my world, it's only me.
Only myself, I have nothing to fear of, God is Everything..
I had a very special experience, I floated, I walked like this..
There was also a roof I walked on.. Then I had returned to my hotel,
it turned out, I forgot my key there, becasue I so high up in the air..
The people in the hotel were so nice, that they broke down the lock, so somehow
caught my train in time.. I traveled to another place..
I've arrived to another town, and then I had a trip in the mountain and I took a taxi,
I mean a rickshaw, to this site.. There, I told the driver, "You go ahead and
I'll sit here, I'll sit here under a tree.."
And there was the largest feeling of Peace, I've had in whole of India..
To be under a tree.. So very simple.. Just like at that time after leaving high school..
It's no wonder that Buddha got his enlightenment under a tree.. Newton with his apple..
Meaning, there's something in trees. Truly, they are a blessing to Humanity.
And then I've suddenly came to my senses, I've realized I don't need much to achieve this peace,
I don't need these gurus, I don't need anyone.
In the end of the trip.. Meanwhile, I've managed to do a lot of things, I've even managed
to see the Dalai Lama, I've been in Bodh Gaya, where the Buddha had lived..
In the end, I've rested at a place which really reminded me of the kibbutz I left, Samar.
Suddenly I realized.. There were even bicycles for rent..Then I've realized: "What a mistake I made!
It was so good for me there, why did I leave?"
And on the train back home, my memories started caming back to me,
from my home, from Israel.. Suddenly I appreciated my life, where I used to live before..
Then I've arrived home, I really wanted to kiss the clean floor of the airport.
Finally no one is staring at me, no one wants something from me..
And I felt like I was clean, finally I don't need all of these gurus..
So then, when I got back home... I got into this tiredness, depression..
What am I doing with my life? In India, I wanted to experience something..
I wanted again to save people.. I thought maybe the Indians will appreciate me at least..
So nothing happened, just as I had thought.
And then my mother suggested to me, that if I didn't go to the army,
So at least I should go to the National Service.
Then it just started, it was just the year, that National Service was also for men.
I've said, "Yes it's true, Good, I would contribute in my own way,
I won't have to suffer in the army that's not suitable to me.."
Then I went to a workshop, where there were lots and lots of girls, young women,
not all of them were religious even..
Finally I was with people my own age, I felt to myself- "Wow, so much fun!
What an energy and what a joy of life!"
Meanwhile, I was still with the bulimia. Remember, that I was still with this story..
Even in India, when the danger was higher, I was still doing these things.. I couldn't help it.
So I was in this kind of a high.. I think that it's connected to the fact that
when someone doesn't eat what he needs.. This is why I also warn vegans-
No matter what Isaac Ben-Uri or I don't know who tells you,
Don't stop taking the B12 vitamin! It's important.
And if you're taking it, there's a kind which is called:
Methylcobalamin, which is the right kind you need to take.
It's very important to take care of what we need for the brain.
Because afterall, the body is like a dog, like an animal, that we need to take care of.
Just like we care for our pets, we need to take care of our body.
It's not something to exploit, it's not really us, we use the body, which is loyal to us,
and we need to take care of. There's no issue of what do we want, or a moral matter.
If the body needs something, we need to give it to him.
But then I didn't know about it, I began to hover more and more...
And so, in the workshop I've got to a stage where I really was in a total high..
There was a ceremony they've made, I went up stage, with a high confidence.
A person who once was with OCD and anxieties, suddenly I have self confidence..
Then.. I even fell in love with someone who wanted to become religious..
She looked like an angel to me, I fell in love with her..
Then suddenly I had inferiority complex, that she wouldn't want me..
And I cried.. And then suddenly came this other girl,
She did want me.
With her there was also somthing.. She came from a religious home, but..
From a settlement. She was a different kind of religious woman..
And she really got close to me, and I was stressed by it.. Suddenly..
Suddenly I felt attraction and passion.. These were things that I had been suppressing
Because I'm supposed to only love.. Just to love..
And she wanted me.. and I didn't know what to do..
She's religious.. what am I supposed to do?
But.. At the moment I've seen her, I felt she was danger- "Beware of her!
Go to the other one, don't go over to her..
For if the first one is like an angel, then what does it mean about her?
She's something bad, stay away from her.." But I didn't listen to myself..
Because after the one I loved didn't want me, Suddenly straight away, the second one came..
Probably she felt it, she got attracted to that force I felt, that high of mine..
This is a phenomenon that had repeated itself, later on in my life..
There are people who are attracted to some kind of power that's fake..
That's why gurus are so taken with themselves.. They are people who..
Who have some kind of a complex...
Some kind of reason to erase their personality, and to become someone else..
"I'm God, and then everyone admires me.. If I'm myself, I'm nothing, but if I'm.."
They called it "The Ego", and if they erase the Ego, then they are God..
But it's not true, The Ego is who they are, there isn't any separation..
There's a body and there's a soul, and That's it!
It's not an Ego, the body is a body, it's not.. It's not really an entity of itself. It's not..
It's very loyal. If really there's a mind that bothers us..
It is thoughts which we haven't figured out with ourselves yet..
But to make a Cut, and to say.. That's why a cult is called a cult,
because they cut.. They cut the person out.
What had happened to me with Sai Baba, that brainwash was still continuing.
Even though I had thought I got out of it, it came back..
And meanwhile, this girl.. I've started to think about her..
She had become to be my new God.. Now she's my guru, now she's my soul mate,
I've found her.. And all the time I was thinking about her and thinking about her..
and I didn't understand why don't we meet anymore? Why doesn't she answer my phones?
And we met, we managed to meet another time at her place,
Then I got even more attached to her.. I was looking in her eyes,
and I thought she's like a goddess..
She had already started her National Service, in Mitzpe Ramon.
And meanwhile, I didn't know what to do with myself.. I really wanted to do good,
I wanted to volunteer all sorts of places, I rode my bicycles all over Ramat Hasharon..
But I felt that nobody wants me, "I'm not suitable for anything so what will I do?"
One day, I remember I was just crying. This pain had broken inside of me...
"Why doesn't she want me? Why no one loves me?"
Suddenly, I felt a Snap! Something had happened..
All of the things from India, I've destroyed. I felt like it's Evil, I saw Sai Baba as Satan,
And Amma.. Everyone I've seen.. I've torn it all to pieces.. I really obliterated it.
I had this holy ash and I've decided to get purified, to pour holy ash on myself..
Then I looked at myself in the mirror, I looked like this Sadhu, who was in
Rishikesh, walking naked with this holy ash on him...
I thought that maybe I'm Shiva, maybe I'm the God of destruction..
I need to destroy this world.. I really gone totally crazy..
And then suddenly I had this urge to eat chicken.. I've decided that now I'll eat chicken.
I came down the stairs, I've eaten chicken without any scruples..
Obviously, afterwards I threw it out.. Since, I couldn't get out of the bulimia yet.
Then.. It just proves the point that when the body needs something and it doesn't get it,
It will come to a breaking point and that's it.. If we didn't eat like we needed,
You can even be a vegetarian, or a vegan, it doesn't matter..
For if we didn't eat what we needed, didn't give the body what it needs,
It will get it, it will become like an animal, it will destroy, it will be vicious..
It will even become bad. It will do what ever it takes..
Then in the morning, not even in the morning, already at the same day I told myself:
"What have I done?? I had torn down all of the gurus I loved, all these people.."
I started to glue it back again.. I've started feeling I have to re-arrange it all,
I must fix it all.. Then I've started with the restlessness, I felt that...
I told myself- "I have to go to kibbutz Lotan!" That's the kibbutz which was closest to
the girl whom I loved.. So then I could get closer to her..
"That was the thing that will save me from the Madness.."
I went to kibbutz Lotan, I stayed there for about a week..
I was so flipped over that they didn't know what did I want..
Then I've started to believe in another guru, an American guru, again from the internet..
I didn't know anything about him, but now he was another guru addition..
I bought a book he wrote about his life, and how all sorts of miracles happen to him..
How he sees all sorts of fairies.. And he wrote how he had become like God,
and that God had talked with him, and Jesus.. He had channeled Jesus..
And Gandhi and all sorts of famous people..
In the meantime, the books were still with me in Lotan..
And the girl I loved, came to visit me.
I had a roommate who was.. I felt like he was a kind of Neo Nazi.
He had a flag of Germany in his room, he had dreadlocks hair,
he looked like a dark guy to me, he was smoking..
Then I realized that nothing is going to happen between me and this girl,
I cried, I went to bed.. I got up in the morning.
He tells me, "Hey listen, there was something between me and her.. I had something with her.."
Then I was in shock! What? I on purpose, didn't do anything to her, nothing..
We didn't do anything.. I felt like I was respecting her,
because she came from a religious home..
Even though I loved her, then she has something with someone?
And with this guy??
Then when I talked with her, suddenly her face was changing,
suddenly she's not beautiful, also she's not..
She's not the one I had thought she was.. Suddenly her face had completely changed,
Suddenly she looked like this witch. What am I doing with her anyways?
We broke up, I've decided to move out of the kibbutz, I didn't have a reason to be there.
Even though I felt very good there, it was the beginning of..
I'd almost rehabilitated myself... I was even starting to eat and not throw up,
and not do anything..
But it didn't hold on. I came back home..
Then again, the thoughts got even stronger. I had thought- "Maybe I'd made a mistake?
Maybe she was my soul mate?" And every woman I've seen,
I had thought "Maybe she's my soul mate? she's the..."
Then I had the "Soul Mate" complex. later on, I had "The One" complex, But..
Then this is what it was..
And then one day, I remember it was at one night..
Suddenly I felt such a strong pain.. I felt like- "What is this?
I'm taking all of Humanity's pain on myself.. What's going on here?"
I was starting to imagine that maybe I was Jesus? I'd seen myself on the cross...
"Maybe I'm the Messiah? Maybe it's me?"
This voice in the head till now, had been only accompanying me,
and I didn't listen to it so much.
So I told myself: "Maybe this is a real voice?
Maybe I should listen to it? to what it tells me.."
Then I had this nice voice which had told me: "Yes, you are who you think you are..
Yes, it's You! Read, read in this guru's book.."
Then, anything that was written, channeling, of Jesus or someone like that,
in first person, I thought to myself- "Hey! He talks to me! It's Me!"
I was flying so high, that I just believed- "It's me!"
And then I told myself: "Wow! Maybe this whole world,
is My creation! Maybe I'm..
I need to Save Everyone.. I was making theories to myself..
I had thought... "Maybe I'm Peter Pan?"
"Maybe I'm Little Mermaid?" All kinds of reasons why I'm Little Mermaid..
I went to the public library, I had thought maybe the Akashic library..
This is the library where all knowledge of the souls is found.
I thought that the librarian.. "She is god! How didn't I know that she's God?
There's the book of my life, I just need to find it.."
I've seen a girl in the street I thought, "Ahh, maybe she's my Wendy?
Maybe I..."
I've seen.. I was walking near a car, and when I noticed the reflection of the Sun
in the window, I had thought: "Hey, this is a reflection of Myself!
So maybe I'm the Sun? I'm the Light! How can't I see myself?"
This's how it had been, one day like this..
It was really like fairy tales.. The part which I loved the most
was when I got up in the morning, my dad tells me- "I need you to buy coffee."
I was so happy, since I thought my dad is God! After all, everything I had thought..
So if he asks, then I need to do it..
I went to the grocery store, I was so happy..
Even the seller, Everyone.. I felt like everyone loves me..
Suddenly I was receiving the love I've always wanted..
I bought the coffee. It was Cafe Hag with this heart..
I came back home.. Suddenly I was thinking to myself:
"Hey! Maybe this is a Fairy Dust? Maybe it does something?..."
So I spilt the coffee mix on myself.. Then I went to take shower..
This is something you have to do once..
I never had a shower with a coffee scent.. and it was just...
I've made all the fun that I always wanted to make.. I've been like a child..
I was hearing this music in my head, I was singining..
and I was walking barefoot, with the clothes from india, in Ramat Hasharon..
There was someone I've known, who's name is Michael so I thought-
"Ahh! He's the Angel Michael!"
And so like this all the time, from one thing to another..
I had this fantasy about marbles, which I had been scattering.
I told myself- "I have to find my marbles!"
All the movies I've seen, got mixed in my mind like the movie- "Hook",
where he's really Peter Pan, and he didn't know it..
And a Hallmark movie- "Snow White", with the king who was locked up in a mirror..
and I thought to myself: "If I'll break the mirror in the house,
then I'll break free from this spell of this world..
I broke the mirror, got out of the house, and when I had returned..
Meanwhile, my father had replaced the mirror..
But I didn't know it, so I thought:
"Hey look at this! What a Magic! The mirror had returned to what it was!"
Then there was a moment I thought: "I can do whatever I want!
So maybe I'll throw a rock into a shop's display window..."
But that's the thing.. Something had stopped me.
There's something, which is Real.
I really believe that there's some kind of help or maybe..
Angels, a guardian angel, spiritual guides..
There's something, that protects us..
Because for a fact, despite of this voice in the head, there was something that
had prevented me from over doing it..
I was still hovering.. Like I knocked on a door,
and then I just went away.. They said: "What? What?"
and I just moved on. I had done all sorts of nonsense..
Like when I saw a black umbrella outside a door, I thought to myself- "I need to knock on the door,
and bring them back their umbrella, in order to help them.. I had all sorts of theories..
I had thought I need to visit kindergartens.. Maybe I..
Maybe I could help the children to fly, but not too much a serious complex..
What I remembered was a house in Ramat Hasharon that on it was a graffiti,
It was a very beautiful painting.. With a woman who's a shepherd..
and she was red haired, with purple eyes.. So I thought: "Maybe,
this is the way to heaven? Maybe this is the way I'll get out of here.."
Because I was still feeling that at any moment I'll be arriving into heaven..
That everyone remembers me, and if I'll look at them.. That's my job to awaken
them all, so they could go to heaven, and in the end, I'll be the last one who'll remain..
I've arrived there, and I saw it was a wall. There's nothing to do, it's not what I had thought..
So I had other theories in my mind, maybe.. Maybe it's this house?
I knocked on the door, no one answered. There was a fish pond..
So I thought: "Hey, maybe if I'll enter this pond, I'll get out from the other side, to another world...
So I've entered the pond just like that, with the clothes on..
I got out of it.. There was a mother in this house with children so she got frightened-
"I'm calling the police!"
So I said: O.k., then I'll go away.. It's not my family.
I had thought they were my family, that I got back home..
I went away, I went to this "Pais" center..
There..
There, I just walked in with wet clothes.. And there's a mystery that in this whole day,
I felt like I.. Really, no one had stopped me, like I was meant to experience this experience..
For me it was a really healing experience, I felt like everyone knows me, everyone loves me.
So I entered this room, this hall, and I thought: "Ahh they are waiting to make me a surprise party!
Surely soon everyone will arrive, and then I..
Then they will screen for me the movie of my life..
I wanted so badly to see what I read about in the near death experiences..
Then came this poor janitor..
So I thought: "Hey! This is the last man whose's left! This must be Adam, the First man..
I need to save him, and then I will be free.."
He was just sitting there..
He was worried about me, I've seen he cares about me..
Suddenly, came a couple of cops, and I thought: "Ah, maybe they are my parents?
Peter and Wendy, maybe I'm their son?" One of my crazy ideas...
And this policeman, I didn't understand what does he want from me?
He said all sorts of stuff.. And then I was just wearing my boxers..
Because I dropped the.. I told them I don't want to be with wet clothes,
I was shivering from cold, it was winter..
When it rained, I was thinking that maybe the angels were crying, so I felt it was o.k..
I thought that my shivering means that soon, I'll be out of this world and will get Home..
Then I've arrived to a police station because I didn't even know what was it..
After all, I was so high, I've seen all these lights from the car, I thought we're in a spaceship..
Then my father had come! Again, my father...
I thought, "Ahh! I'm actually recreating history.. If I wouldn't have run away to South Africa,
then to there I would arrive, and so I'm actually fixing history..
Then we came back home, I was watching television, the Fashion channel was on.
I saw these diamonds, I felt and seen everything was so sharp and alive!
It was so beautiful, these diamonds of the Fashion channel..
Everything was so Alive! I started imagining that I'm like this diamond,
that I have lots of sides...
And that's it, I've reached Perfection! All of the pain, all of the Love,
all together was all me, and that's it! Now I'm at peace...
I've reached the fire stove and I remember the word- Contentment.
Satisfaction.. To be satisfied with what I have. I felt such tranquility, I felt that That's it!
Now I'm happy, my life is Perfect. I don't have to do Anything, I don't need..
to do anything..
My parents suddenly said: "Gil, take your shoes, we're going somewhere.."
I went with them, we drove, I saw all sorts of buildings.. I thought,
"Ah, I'm in a different planet now.." It was just the city Ra'anana..
We had arrived to some kind of a place, I thought: "I'm actually my grandmother,
who had Alzheimer's and I'm actually replacing her and suffer for her, I suffer everything.."
Yes, it's obvious that it was a psychiatric hospital..
I've got there, and I didn't know it yet.. Next to me in bed was sleeping..
At first, I went to a doctor with glasses. Then I had this theory, that everyone with glasses
are people who know the secret, but they don't know the truth..
They need to take off their glasses, and then I will look them in their eyes,
and then I will save them..
Then it didn't do anything, since he wouldn't take of his glasses..
So I thought, "Ahh he's part of those who don't understand, don't understand the truth.."
I looked at a chair like this, like the one you have here..
I told myself that if I'll look at it enough, I'll remember this experience..
Because I had a feeling I'll forget everything and I need to remember..
And my parents, I need to remember who are they..
I thought that.. To my mind came an image, with the word "Ra" the Egyptian God,
and they are actually my friends from all of the previous reincarnations..
And then I just fell sleep.. Next to me was a big guy, brown and fat,
I thought that this is Sai Baba! Now, me and him are together again!
Now we'll save the world..
It was raining so I had thought, "I'm in Noah's ark..
That's it, the world is changing! Now everything's going to be alright,
and I'll wake up to a totally new world..
I got up in the morning.. All the happiness had gone away..
Suddenly anxiety, panic- "Where Am I? Get me out of here.."
I don't know if it was because I felt the place or the people who were there,
because I'm very sensitive.. I didn't know what was it.
Panic.. The only thing that saved me was the music from an electronic keyboard,
That simply gave me a feeling, that soon I'll arrive in heaven, very soon...
Also in heaven, there're also hospitals, which take care of the souls who just arrived.
I looked at a fashion magazine, I thought to myself I needed to choose
my woman, my girl.. I thought that this is how it works.. Everyone were perfect..
But nothing happened. There was a woman there called Geula (means Salvation),
and I thought to myself: "Here, she will save me! She will save me.."
And there was a guy who just had a mustache, and some beard and I thought he was Jesus,
who came to save me..
That's how I was totally flaky.
Then they'd probably started to give me the pills and I started to be Really really tired.
The thing is that the pills weren't supposed to take effect yet...
Since they say it takes two weeks..
But already the next day, I suddenly got back to myself, I was just happy.
I've realized that I had gone mad, I knew where I am.
They showed me a drawing I drew, I thought it looked totally psychotic..
I said, Wow.. I understood I was really crazy. It was obvious to me, it wasn't like I was
in some kind of fantasy that I'm still Peter Pan and all these stuff.
I simply came out of it.
And I understood it was simply because I've been eating!
Because I've came back to eat, they gave me food there..
And the pills cause a lot of appetite..
So I ate in quantities, I even ate meat balls, I didn't care, I was so hungry in a big way..
I felt like that day had cured me, and there are no more sins, no more evil,
I don't have to be..
All of that OCD..
That special day, this is what I felt had healed me, this Bliss and all of that Love..
What's sad is that I felt that they had taken this away from me..
They just decided to cancel it for me..
Because that bliss I was still feeling from that day..
Over time with the pills, all of that was gone, I felt like there was a brick on my head.
I felt heaviness, tiredness, depression.. I felt like this.. Just like this..
All of that joy of life.. All of that optimism..
I had a psychologist who laughed of this, when I told him:
"It took two weeks for the pills, to turn me from an Optimist to a Pessimist.."
To such degree the pills are so strong..
The people there looked like zombies, really depressed, I was feeling them.
It was the peak of the depression..
I had thought that I'll be there a little bit, and go home and that's it,
maybe few more days..
Then there was this psychiatrist I talked with and suddenly they'd decided:
"O.k. we've decided to leave you here, in the open clinic..
They decided to put me in the open clinic, that means that I can still go home sometimes..
So then I've really started to realize, that I really fall for it...
That these pills..
They will force me to take them.. Even though, I was there of my free will,
from their view point, it wasn't a forced hospitalization.. I signed it..
and I could leave whenever I wanted. But each time I told them: "I want to go out
and the pills are not for me.." They had told me-
"No, no.. You're weak.. Don't take a risk, You'd better not, you'd better not.."
So then I stayed, and slowly the depression was taking over me, more and more..
So I really began to gain weight. Before that I was about 45 Kilos,
and I've reached 70 kilos.. Just imagine.. What a heaviness.. What..
Suddenly I was eating all sorts of stuff.
I told myself it's the food, the food makes me so tired.
Till I've realized it's the pills, these pills are really influencing!
This tiny pill does something.
And it didn't help what I tried to convince them, I told them the breakdown had happend
because of the food, since I didn't eat.. And they said- "No, no no, just in case, just in case."
But I was depressed, I wasn't myself..
I got up so tired in the morning, and I still had to go to "rehabilitation" there..
They looked at me like I'm.. Like I'm some kind of a dummy..
When I told them I have a site on the internet, because then I was writing in English.
They were surprised- "Wow, you have a site!" Like you have a brain..
"We didn't know you are.."
They couldn't understand that there's a human being there, who's Real.
They see the.. It's like a drugged person, he's not the same person.
It's like a person who lives on sleeping pills.
Today, after working with mentally ill patients I can really understand them..
Simply these pills...
This is the thing that destroys them! Not the disease!
The disease maybe makes them do some crazy stuff,
but there's a reason for it, for these diseases..
If I wanted to get to know the Human hell, this was the Human Hell..
I've really realized what's the lowest point of the bottom.
The reasons that I was depressed before, were nothing compared to now..
Once, I went to rehabilitation, to some kind of rehabilitating activity.
I've asked someone- "How much longer will I have to take these pills? It's terrible for me."
So she told me- "Gil, probably you'll have to take them for the rest of your life.."
-What?! Then it's not worth living! Simply hell, hell..
But I have promised to myself after that thing in the sea, that I will never do it again.
So again, I didn't know how I get out of this? All the time I was hoping that maybe
something will happen to me and then I will go to the afterlife, maybe something will happen to me..
I would go to the gym in order to try getting myself out of this.. And I felt Heavy!
A weight of 5 kilos, felt like 20 kilos.. I just didn't understand,
"How come I'm not advancing and feeling so very tired??
Then they told me in the hospital- "She shouldn't have told you this.
She doesn't even know your story and she shouldn't have done it.."
and this calmed me down.
But I understood that.. As far as they are concerned,
they could leave me there forever. They told me: "It's not worth it for you
to complete yout high school diploma.. It's not worth it for you to do anything..
You shouldn't, you might deteriorate, if you won't be good enough.."
In the end, one day, I told myself: "That's it, it's Enough! I decide when I get out."
I went to the head of the department, I told him- "I want to get out."
He told me: "Yes, Gil.. But, you know.. You change your mind all the time.."
Like I'm not allowed to change my mind..
"You shouldn't.. You know.." He convicted me.
Then they suggested- "Maybe you should start working in a kindergarten,
this will strengthen you."
And I, simultaneously, have decided that I will find a job on my own.
I don't need them.. to work voluntarily? I want to work already.
I had a job interview in a kindergarten..
Now, at the hospital they'd scared me so much that I can't do it,
that I just ruined the interview.. I told them I don't think I'm ready enough.
Then I went home. I went to the job that they had suggested me,
a terrible job in some kindergarten, with little children, horrible kindergarten teachers,
I felt like.. "What a terrible mistake have I done.. I should have listen to myself..
Why did I even listen to them?"
Then, I've realized that this place is not good for me.
They only make me smaller.. So I've decided to leave.
The woman who got me that job, got angry at me- "You've crapped it up for me!
Don't crap it up for me!" like I owe her anything, like I'm working for her!
She didn't know why people don't think about her.. They were like..
Their face was so strict, that I was desperate for a smile. So they said:
"Ah! you love smiles.. You love smiles.."
Like I'm this kind of a dummy..
I've decided to leave, just like that by surprise. Without a goodbye party, without anything,
I had to leave out of there.
I won't forget a patient in the hospital.. She told me- "Gil, you're totally normal,
Why are you here anyways?"
And I felt I had an obligation, that need to be there to help others.. I need to help..
There was only One person in the whole hospital, who had come there,
just to make a kind of research.. He was interviewing me.
And he was the only one who had treated me normally and with him I was normal.
I felt like I'm adjusting myself to the expectations of the person I'm talking with.
And he told me- "Gil, You don't look like you're not fine to me! You're really fine,
Get out of here." And he came again after about a month to interview me..
Meanwhile, I was living at home, I was just coming to the rehabilitation at this point.
And again he told me- "What? You're still here?"
So suddenly I've realized! I need to get out of here,
It's about time.. And then I got out.
I've decided I'll find someone of my own. My parents found me this psychiatrist,
someone who was totally crazy, really, I had never seen something like that.
He used to say horrible things.. A psychiatrist, who made himself
into a psychologist. He would take from me 600 Shekels..
What bribed me was that he told me: "I will take down your pills..
Don't worry, I'll take down you pills."
It was like he was a drug dealer, but in reverse.. That I Don't want the drugs.
I remember that at nights, when it was time to take the pill,
I felt like now I'm ruining the joy for myself. Since by evening, the effect of the pill
was beginnig to dissipate, and I've started to feel good and strong.
Then I would take the pill and Bam! I felt that that's it, the tiredness,
tiredness, tiredness.. I would get up in the morning all a mess,
like a restart, restart restart.
I've decided I'm leaving this crazy psychiatrist, I'll find someone of my own.
I found a nice psychologist, the one I told you about before...
He didn't do any good, he didn't do any bad, but he just..
He even told me: "The fact you ran away to South Africa it's nice, it was
an accomplishment.." He was the first person who made me understand
that then I was only.. It's true I was hovering above ground..
But it wasn't like I've done something out of psychosis. I just believed in things
like a gullible person and I've just done it.
I started to believe that I'm alright, just the way I am.
So I told him- "I made up my mind, I want to reduce the pills,
I'm telling you this intentionally because I want us to do this together.."
So I've done it. Then one day, I went to a lecture about past life regression,
I met there a nice woman who was a social worker.
I felt connected to her because she's also spiritual and does past life regressions..
The regressions didn't work, I hardly saw anything but we became friends,
and she really helped me a lot.
Meanwhile, I've already stopped with the pills..
But, the damages of quitting the pills are anxieties.
Every morning I was having horrible anxieties..
I felt like I'm in a much worse state than when I'd been before the pills.
At least I didn't have depression and fatigue anymore, because I felt
that I was Myself, even with the anxieties.. But I didn't know what to do,
how do I live with these anxieties?
Each morning, anxieties.. I felt like I'm making a mistake.
This was the stage my mother had really helped me, I would come to
the kitchen and said- "I made a mistake! I'm getting punished, it's because of
what I've done to my friend in school, that's why I got punished.
I shouldn't have dropped out of high school, I shouldn't have done this because of
that all of this had happened to me.."
But over time I got stronger, I've decided that I..
I've found a job at a pet shop, that I really really loved and was loved.
I was there for 3 years. At the same time, even before
I started the job in the pet shop, I simply volunteered on my own,
in kindergartens, in a schools, I've started helping people.
It lead to working as a mentor for children. I've started to get stronger,
I studied Reflexology. Also, I even completed my high school diploma.
Everything they told me I couldn't do. And I had very high grades.
I rehabilitated myself.. Meanwhile, I met someone.
She also had similar problems like my own. At first, I really didn't want her,
because I felt that with her I'm not happy.
She simply made me sad, I was absorbing her energy..
She was in a bad state herself.
But I told myself: "She loves me, she's the most loyal in the world,
she will never leave me.."
So I stayed with her, and later on we had an apartment together in Herzlia.
Later I've decided I want to study Social Work,
like the woman who had helped me.
I've decided to study in Tel Hai college. There I've learned that I don't like it,
I'm a person who always learn by himself, I felt it was a waste of time.
It was needed to take tests, that I don't believe in.
I'd coined the phrase "Putzism".. This is what it was.
I had this fantasy to do what Patch Adams had done..
The doctor in that movie.. To one day say- "I'm quitting!"
and show them my *** and say- "Goodbye, and never see you again!"
But I've decided that this time, I'll stay till the end..
I've done all the assignments, I had high grades..
I could just study two days before the exams and it was enough for me,
I didn't need anything. What I did learned there were the people.
How to get along with the people, all of these group workshops...
Then we lived in Kibuttz Kfar Giladi.
And that's it, everything was good. Then suddenly, the degree was over..
Suddenly the bubble bursts.. I was just where I was three years ago,
What did I do actually? What did it gave me? No tools, no knowledge.
I even coined a phrase- What is a social worker?
The initials means, "Working and Suffering.." (In Hebrew it sounds better..)
That's the meaning. A job that I don't want.
We moved to the village, where she used to live in.
It's amazing that she had known this girl I fell in love with then..
Everything is connected- it's Amazing.
It happened to be also in a settlement, so I got to know the whole other side
of the country, the right wing.
It's really amazing, I was starting to get to know the Arabs, the settlers,
my religious neighbors, who were charming people..
And there, I didn't find a job as a social worker..
So I've came to the conclusion that...
"They don't want me, so I don't need them!
I'll find a job on my own, a job as a mentor,
I'll work one on one."
That's how it started, a job with an elderly man with Alzheimer's.
His daughter, the one who took me in for the job,
A wonderful woman, she told me later: Already on the phone, I knew
that you were the best for the job."
I really fell in love with her, and her father was charming..
So I knew that a mentor was my job. In less than a month, I already had 4 jobs.
I also worked in AKIM, with young people with mental disabilities,
with a mental patient in a hostel, and with a kid in a boarding school.
All these jobs were very energy consuming.. But I've done it.
All day long I was traveling, from morning till night time.. That means, from
the settlement I was driving all the way to Jerusalem.. (By hitchhiking and buses..)
And return.. I would leave in the morning and come back in the evening.
And that's it, I've really started feeling the desperation but I held on..
My spouse, by then, we managed to get married..
I felt again, like I owe her this, because she was so much there for me.
And I really loved her, I was starting to love her unconditionally.
Even though I wasn't the happiest person in the world I felt that
this is the best that there is.. And really I was beginning to be content
with what I have. Then, one day, suddenly after almost a year I was
I was working in these hard jobs, and I've done this for my future daughter,
whom I wanted so much to have, in my future..
I meant, my future daughter who wasn't born yet.. She wasn't pregnant..
Suddenly she tells me: "Gil, I think we need to break up".
Just like that suddenly.. The one I trusted the most, and stayed with because
she had promised that she will stay with me forever..
That was a total shock.. I was just about to go with my sister
to visit my brother, who was living in New York..
So just before the vacation, she told this to me..
So all of the vacation was ruined, the whole time I was thinking-
"How can I fix it? How can I fix it?"
I returned home, and then she had left for a month with her family.
I told myself- "I'll become a much better person.."
Then I've gone through the biggest crisis of my life.. What was then..
The crisis with the gurus, was nothing in comparison to the suffering
I've gone through, after breaking up with her, after she had told me this.
Then suddenly floated back the memories of first girl I had fallen in love with,
who had actually hurt me when she didn't love me and was with another man.
Then I realized that I didn't heal it! What the pills had done was that
they had buried me, they had erased me..
And they didn't allow me to overcome the pain.
No one had talked with me about what had caused my breakdown.
Maybe it was false love, maybe it was the gurus, and maybe it was because
I haven't been eating hardly. Nothing! "You have a probem- take pills."
Suddenly I've realized, that all of our problems in our relationship,
all of the times I didn't appreciate her enough..
Had been all because they didn't allow me to experience my lessons,
like I should have..
And only now it comes out?! I was shocked!
Because about 6 years, had already passed, 6 years had been wasted!
And only then I felt like I was returning to be the person I used to be,
before the whole story with the hospital.
Suddenly I realized the deception..
Also.. Again I had these mystic like experiences, like everything is connected.
One day, I had another special day, just like last time.
But this time I knew these were just thoughts, I didn't fall into the trap.
So it was over! Just as it had started.
It was this high, that didn't carry me away this time..
This time I didn't believed it. Just like the movie "A Beautiful Mind",
I knew how to discern. Meaning, it is our mission to heal.
Not the pills which erase us and then..
And that's it, it was over..
In the end we've understood it was all lost, we got divorced.
I was very depressed. But I've decided to pull myself together,
to bring myself back. I've decided:
"If she's not the One, then I'll find The One!"
There was someone whom I had thought that she was my one..
Someone I met at work before I met the last one.
I told myself- "Where is she? I have to find her! I Will find her.."
There were many coincidences, women with the same name as hers,
an article in the newspaper...
I was searching for her.. Even on the radio I've tried..
I was even in the local newspaper..
I didn't find her, and it's very good that I didn't find her..
Meanwhile, I've gone through many, many things..
I volunteered in an ecological farm, I started working there..
The connection to nature was really helping me.. The work really..
The physical pain helped me to overcome my emotional pain.
I was there for some time, till I couldn't take it anymore
since it was a very hard work..
After this, I've traveled the country in all sorts of places..
I've even reached the village Klil, to care for a dog and two cats in a cabin.
There were so many books there, that I've realized that to be a writer,
is not such a big deal, it's better to Live life!
People need to live their lives, not to read books all the time..
Then, I really wanted to write a book.
Then from there, I've reached many other places..
There was a village in the south, I wanted to volunteer in,
and then it also turned out that it was like a cult..
So then, there was another thing I've managed to escape from.
I promised myself: "This time, I'm not getting sucked into jobs,
in which I suffer.. I want to live! I want to feel good with myself,
I must be loyal to my soul, I'm not making the same mistakes."
I've even started working in a school in Ramat Gan, just because the girl
I'd fallen in love with for a second, told me she lived there 7 years ago..
Well, I still had this complex of Finding "The One.."
But I've succeeded saying "No" to jobs. I've learned to say:
"No, I'm not getting into things that I don't want anymore..
If I want to die, it's a sign that it's not good for me.."
That's the reason why I felt bad in my childhood..
I've learned that the problem is not in me, the problem is that..
I'm doing what I'm being told, what people want me to do,
and I wasn't being loyal to myself, to my own happiness.
So I've simply decided to move near my parents who are now in Netanya,
I've realized that there I am, this is my home.
Again, I've found a job in a day care center with children,
also as a mentor for mentally ill people, most of them Ethiopians.
I lived in an Ethiopian neighborhood, everything was Ethiopian.
and it was very hard. Then one day I've decided,
"That's it, Enough! I've figured out the normal life..."
Then again I had this suicidal thought- "What am I doing with my life?
Where did I end up, anyways?"
And I've decided that that's it. At the 8th of the 8th, That is it!
I got tired of it all.. I had a very rough night.
I woke up in the morning, I got out of this bad mood already,
and suddenly I see a message.
It's like God had known in advance, that I'll have this bad moment,
and He sent me the right person.. Who is she? Anat, my partner!
Who found me exactly at the right time, thanks to an article I commented on,
about finding our Soul Mate, and she loved my comment.
She wanted to get together, She lived really close in Even Yehuda.
On the same day we had talked, we had already met..
It wasn't love at first sight, but something has started..
Then over time, our love and friendship has grown more and more,
and we begun living together. We had both decided that we want to
volunteer in ecological farms.
We've reached a wonderful farm by the name: "Yarok Az" in Illaniyya.
A really good experience, we also had a very nice neighbor..
Still, we were having lot of hardships, breakups and getting back together..
Then one day, we found out that Anat is pregnant, surprisingly..
We always had a feeling this will happen, and we even wanted it..
That was why we hadn't been too carful..
And that's it. Then, we knew that again we have to return to the normal life..
Again, we have to do this..
But this time, I felt that I Wanted to do it! Finally I..
I Mean.. You can't escape the suffering of life..
Unlike what the Buddha had said and all these gurus are saying..
But if you love, if there's love, then it gives you the strength.
This is the thing in life that holds us together.. Not spirituality, and not
all of these things people believe in..
But simply Love.. When you care about someone else.
So then we returned to Even Yehuda, I was really hoping I would find a job right
before the lecture and I've just found a job that just started yesterday.
A job as a computer teacher to children, in a lovely company with lovely children.
Again, Everything came exactly on time, just as I believed.
I've said No to so many job places..
Because I knew that I have to be loyal to my soul, there's no other way.
And that's it! That's what I'm saying- Life is Good when you Love! :-)
And that's it- We just do it! We have to believe in ourselves..
Also this lecture, I've turned down a job and I told myself- "I have to..
Why am I here in this world? What am I waiting for?
For my daughter, who's about to be born." Probably we'll name her Ariel..
Maybe not by chance..
The Little Mermaid again.. :-)
So I've decided that there's no other way to make a living in this world as
as a hired employee forever.. I need to be independent, to believe in my dreams.
I've decided to have this lecture.. and here I've made it!
I've also made this video because I wanted this to be for the whole world.
That there will be a chance for everybody to see it, to hear it and learn.
Obviously, there are lots of other things I've gone through in my life that
I didn't get even to talk about..
But I hope it helped someone. Actually, I'm sure it helped someone.
Because we are all connected, and God is in everyone one us,
and everything that we do, helps someone else.
And that's it! This was the lecture..
Thank you..
For the ending..
One day, I decided, "I'm buying a harp, Why not? I'll make my Dream come true.."
There's a shop in Rosh Pina called: "Woodsong" by Peter Isacowitz,
I bought the harp as a present for my birthday, and I've taught myself.
The most amazing thing was when I moved later on to Jerusalem,
I went to a music shop since I had to buy a tuner for my harp,
And who do I see on the wall? A picture of Harpo..
It's amazing how life connects us.. We need to listen to coincidences.
Also, this charming cameraman, Tomer is his name, Tomer Arbel..
Also with him.. Just a few days ago, I was looking for a cameraman.
Because of a new driving student who was driving so slowly,
I told myself, "I don't have the patience! I'm just going through Kfar Netter."
I've reached somehow to Beit Yehoshua,
I noticed a commercial for a cameramen, I got straight to him..
That's what Amazing..
It's amazing how we're all connected, and in the end, everything happens
just as it's supposed to happen..
Also this place itself, Beit Daniel..
When I was a kid, there was a girl I was in love with named Daniel.
So each time I was driving with my parents to see my grandmother,
I noticed "Beit Daniel" and I'd been thinking about her with love,
Daniel, Daniel..
One day, I met her and told her- "Daniel, I love you, just so you'll know..
I had to get it out of my chest.."
Also, this girl at work I told you about..
When Anat and I went to the gynecologist for our baby,
There was an article about a young woman with the exact name of that girl,
the same age, the same living place. She said she was religious and then
became secular. So I was sure that it was her.
Then I got really excited and told myself..
I told myself.. "Hey! I actually don't need her anymore! That's it, it's over."
I've decided not to write her, and not anything else.
But when we got back to the caravan at the farm,
I told myself, "I have to write her anyways.."
I wrote her everything I wanted to say- "Just so you'll know, I once loved you.."
And so on and on and on.
It was obvious that it was a risk.. I wasn't sure if it was really her, but..
But I didn't care what will be her reaction anyways, if it's her or not.
I even don't know if she told the truth that she's Probably not the same one.
She used to work at the same place that I was working in,
so what are the odds that it wasn't her?
But..
But I understood it doesn't matter, I I had to do it,
I had to get it out, to tell her that I love her.
That's what's important- to Love!
It doesn't matter at all how does it gets received, or not..
Whom we are with, wherever we are, whatever we do,
is the Best thing that can be..
That's my biggest message.
Simply doing what we Love..
and to Love everything we do, anyways..
and to be an Inspiration to others..
Now what I'm about to play,
are melodies which I composed and taught myself..
Now, one more tune..
It is called- "The Song of My life"..
When I was working with the mental patient in the hostel,
we used to play the piano..
And so, this is the melody that came out in the end, from all the times
I've visited him and played..
Just a moment..
Sometimes bloopers happen in life...
This is another important thing.. This's why this lecture is called:
"The Courage to Be Me".. It doesn't matter if I mess up or not,
if I'm not perfect, it doesn't matter at all..
If I.. The more I'll allow myself to be imperfect and be crazy,
and do whatever I Really want.. It will give all the others,
the freedom to do it, and to be happy..
I can make mistakes, I can behave foolishly..
It really doesn't matter..
I think that, Life is very much like playing the harp..
Life is exactly like a harp. If we don't tune it right,
then it will not sound harmonic..
The more we'll practice, on our character and on our qualities,
whatever it may be, we'll also sound better.
In the beginning we mess up lots and lots of times,
but in the end it will sound perfect. That's Guaranteed..
Now maybe I'll play my beloved song again,
And that's it..
Wait a moment..
You know what? I'll play "Pachabel's Canon" and that's it..
I Love You!
Well done All of you! For listening to everything...
Questions from the audience...
-Well, my name is Tali..
We had a mutual friend, Maya Weissberg, who made a Laughter workshop.
When the goal was to just break free, and laugh uncontrollably..
At the end of the evening, everyone were acting crazy, without filterning..
And I look at your friends and see your parents who've done a wonderful job..
And your spouse.. and you.. And I'm saying..
It's like you don't have any breaks, which are preventing you from laughing..
You wrote also in Facebook back then, and I remember I followed you,
and I answered you back.
So I'm saying that there are a lot of Gils in Gil..
Meaning, there's Gil with joy in you..
And there's another Gil, who's very..
So I mean it's really beautiful, it's very colorful..
So my question is.. If you arrive in a very bad mood,
So how do you manage to move yourself, in terms of motivation..
to pass the lesson in the best way?
So it's simply like coal that becomes a Diamond when you press it so much,
till there's no more choice.. Because I've just realized,
that I can't be any other way.
I.. I have to.. Since if I'm..
When I'm alone at home, I'm the happiest- Love and Happiness..
Maybe I also have the biggest falls.. The thing is that it's true,
I have two sides- The side that really loves people,
but also the side which doesn't like them, because I feel I can't be myself.
Because my Self, in the eyes of society is not.. I'm strange.. I'm not..
I can love people.. I can meet someone on the street
who asks me- "What's the time?" and I end up telling him "Thank you"..
I mean, I really love people sometimes but I also hate them,
because I've disappointed. Because I feel that I'm..
Since I was a child, I was feeling that I'm missing home,
I really felt, that I'm not from here.
And I feel that we're all from There.. That all of us are from Heaven..
All of us belong there.. We're supposed to return.
We're all a Family, we're all loving..
And That's what keeps me going, actually. That's my belief, actaully.
It's a kind of belief that..
All of the people who had experienced Near Death Experience,
who'd reached the Afterlife..
I relay on them. Since, if they say that God is Love and if they say that..
we eventually return to love one another and come back to be together..
Then what I'm doing, is really meaningful..
And there's no reason, there's no reason to..
If i know I can't.. I can't get angry at someone for a long time,
because I know that somehow, he will come back to me..
I can't carry this for too long. I mean, I can get angry at someone,
but in the end, I'll want to fix it. It's very important to me.
Also this lecture, I was so..
You don't know what I had undergone these past two weeks..
What things I went through..
But I had to do it, because I felt it's for others.
I felt that.. Something is pushing me.
I have simply learnt to listen to God. Today I have this voice of..
There's that destructive voice which I had listened to before,
and there's the good voice. I've simply learnt that I don't have a choice,
but to listen to the voice of God.. Which is not psychotic or anything like that,
but simply Me. This is an inner voice..
Because God is us.
It's is not some kind of an image, it's not someone who talks..
It's a feeling..
What?
-Do you believe in God?
I really believe in God.
It's nice that the lecture turned out in a synagogue,
since I didn't have a Bar-Mitzvah, So here's my chance to be a man finally...
Now I'm a man.. That's it.
I grew up..
It took me 20 years..
-Thank you.
Thank you.
Yes..
-After all of the way you had went through,
and after all of the experiences you told us you had..
Is there something that.. If you would meet your small self,
the young Gil, Gil the child, with all of the hardships he had..
Is there something small, that you feel you can tell him that maybe
will help him along the way? And if you can, then..
Maybe someone will see this lecture on the internet,
there're children or young people, who are going through similar things,
So what could you tell them? That was my question...
That's what's Amazing...
All of my life I had thought: "If only people would love me more,
or know who I am and treat me right, then I would have been different.."
But not too long ago I was talking with Anat about this,
and I've realized that, today I wouldn't have changed this, because..
I wouldn't have been who I am today, if I wouldn't have undergone this.
I would be just a normal person, like everyone else..
And I don't like these people, I love Special people.
I want people to experience all sorts of suffering and hardships,
because I know it's good for them...
And it's..
So actually, I know that if I would come to the young me,
it wouldn't have changed so much.. Maybe I would even..
I remember one incident in my childhood, when someone in a shoe store,
was nice to me, and told me a joke. And remembered it so much..
That when I was working in a pet shop, so I was nice to all of the children
and everyone.. Because I knew how much it's meaningful for them,
and that they will remember this.
So really, Today I know it was inevitable, it's part of the plan..
I had to undergo it..
Also with this lecture, on purpose.. I've imagined a certain thing,
but actually no.. This's exactly the amount of people that I've imagined,
and it's exactly what I wanted to happen..
And it's amazing, since that the whole purpose of life actually..
I don't have anything more to say..
The truth is that..
Sometimes when I grasp what's the purpose of life, I'm out of words.
It's Love from the inside.. There's nothing to do about it..
-So everything is o.k., and everything is for the best..
Yes, Everything is for the Best! I wanted to talk about it,
and you reminded me..
Everything is amazing, how much everything is for the best.
All these things that I had gone through...
That it even causes me to.. There was an article in the newspaper
about someone who died, something that had happened..
And sometimes I've even happy- "Hey! It's great, it was his time
to go. It's a sign that he had passed all the things he needed to go through,
he had learned what he needed.. He's going to heaven.. Great!"
What makes me sad.. This is why the Afterlife subject is
so important to me..
It's because I feel that people morn in vain..
It's obvious that there's sadness when a person goes away..
But most of the suffering comes because they believe that it's over,
that they won't see them anymore. But I believe that Love is Forever!
We're Really going to meet them..
And..
That's why it's important that we'll really understand that
Everything that happens is for the Best, that this world is really..
for a specific purpose.. Not just for having a good time or to find happiness,
but to Learn about Love..
Meaning, we can be miserable and suffer,
but it's still Good!
Since if we're like doctors, and we've undergone a lot of suffering
so we could help others..
So then it's worth it! It's Worth this suffering.....
Thank You Everyone!
I Love You! :-)