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Experts agree that the new fad for this season is going to be paper.
Paper pants, shirts and the like are going to
set the standard for modeling everywhere.
More on this after this morning's traffic report.
Looks like it's backed up for miles out there. Traffic is definitely slowing along the
east-west corridor thanks to construction build up at every exit ramp
and off the interstate. Some motorists have even gone as far as claiming that
walking will be faster than driving or using public transportation.
Let's go live into the sky with Marty McFly.
Miss Katie?
Good morning, Ashley. You're here earlier than usual.
Can I ask you something?
You sure can. What is it?
Well, I found a little piece of paper on the street. I heard the news man
talk about paper this morning but I don't remember what it was about.
Ashley, is this yours?
Yes, I found it today on my way to school.
Ashley, I don't know where you found this or why you thought you should show it
to me, but I don't want you near this classroom or any of the other students.
Young lady this is unacceptable.
But what does it say?
I don't know what we're supposed to do. Should we tell her parents?
Should we...should we call them? Should we inform them? Should we...
Should we inform the district? I...I don't understand. What about 'No
Child Left Behind'? And...wh-
Cruz! In my office, now!
Principal Keller?
Private, I have seen some things on my days on this God-forsaken planet
that I wish my mind could erase. I've been through mountain and
desert terrain, slept in oil wells so deep that I'd forgotten what
the sun looked like.
-But...
And I have seen men utter their last words, their final breaths of life,
choking back a mix of their own blood, sweat, and tears.
But never have I seen something as horrid as this.
Private, I only have one question: Where did such seemingly innocent
hands come across something so putrid and vile?
Huh?
Where did you get this?
I found it on the street. I showed it to Miss Katie
and she brought me here. What does it s-
Private! I don't think you realize the severity of your actions.
Charlie knew it. Even under enemy fire he didn't have the damn sense to be
anything but a soldier. As the enemy closed in on us, all he could think of
was jumping in and taking the heat for us all.
He died a hero's death.
Dammit Charlie!
Now I can't court martial you, Private. But in this platoon I make the law.
You and your detrimental words are to exit the premises immediately.
And here, take this filth with you.
You broke my heart, soldier. Godspeed.
Ashley?
Hi dad.
What are you doing here? Is the school closed or something?
No.
Is everything okay?
I don't know.
What happened?
Well I found a little piece of paper on the street. I showed it to
Miss Katie and she took me to the principal's office. The principal
sent me home, mommy sent me to my room, and now I'm here.
Can I see this piece of paper you found? You still have it?
Ashley get out of here! Don't you ever come back!
Hola Senorita.
Hello.
How are you doing, chiquita.
I'm okay. How are you?
Miserable.
My fourth wife. She, how do you say? She left me.
Why?
She said I was a selfish lover.
Why?
She said I could not please her.
Why?
Because my heart belongs to another.
Who?
La musica!
Who's that?
You know, for someone as young as you, you sure ask a lot of questions.
Tell me, how come you aren't at school?
I got kicked out.
Then why are you not at home?
I got kicked out of there too.
I see.
Tell me, senorita. What could someone like you have done to have you barred
from both home and school?
Well I found a little piece of paper on the street. I showed it to
my teacher and she took me to the principal's office. The principal
sent me home, mommy sent me to my room, my dad kicked me out, and now I'm here.
All this over literature? Definitely not de Cervantes. Shakespeare perhaps?
May I see the note?
Sweet merciful mother of Christ! Come with me!
And in the case of Jack vs. Jill, the jury found that the defendant
was not guilty of any charges presented by the plaintiff. As it turns out, that
specific hill tends to be rather hazardous, and I have ordered the
DuPage county Forest Preserve to look into the matter. Also, pails and
crowns of any kind will be strictly forbidden from this point forward.
This is the judge's chambers. If you want my attention you're gonna
have to wait.
Madame, I demand justice at once.
Then I suggest you speak with an attorney.
This is a matter of great importance. Your clerks and assistants were to afraid
to touch this case.
Okay then...
Is this your daughter? Hi cutie.
Certainly not! No child in all of Europe would conduct herself in such disgrace.
Okay then. What seems to be the problem?
Tell her the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Well I found a little piece of paper on the street. I showed it to
my teacher and she took me to the principal's office. The principal
sent me home, mommy sent me to my room, my dad kicked me out of the house
I ran into this guy on the street, and he brought me here, so that's why I'm here.
Seems excessive. Can I see that paper?
Here is the paper.
I don't think we have any laws for this!
Aha! Never in my years on the bench or in the time I was a lawyer have I ever
been exposed to such immoral obscenities. Just the thought of such filth is inconceivable.
Young lady, you have no business being among society.
Go directly to jail. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.
Who are you?
Ashley. Who are you?
Does it matter? Are you supposed to be here?
Yep, judge sent me.
Judge sent you, huh?
Yep, what is your name?
Really? You just seem so young. What's the worst you could've done to
end up in here?
I don't know.
You don't know, huh? Then why are you here?
Well I found a little piece of paper on the street. I showed it to
my teacher and she took me to the principal's office. The principal
sent me home, mommy sent me to my room, my dad kicked me out of the house
I ran into the Spanish guy on the street, and he took me to the judge.
The judge sent me here, so that's why I'm here.
Gotta love our justice system, huh?
Is that the note that got you in here?
Can I see it?
Let me out! Let me out! I can't be in here with this...let me out!!
So you want to tell me what happened back there?
With what?
In the cell.
Oh. I don't know. I didn't do anything.
You made a grown woman cry, beg for mercy, and you didn't do anything?
Likely story, princess. So why are you really here?
Well I found a little piece of paper on the street. I showed it to
my teacher and she took me to the principal's office. The principal
sent me home, mommy sent me to my room, my dad kicked me out of the house,
I ran into a Spanish guy on the street, and he took me to the judge. The judge
sent me to jail and the woman prisoner in jail made me come with you.
So that's why I'm here.
Likely story. I'll give you points for originality, though.
If this is true, where's the paper?
This isn't true! This can't be!
I don't care what they do to me. I have to do this!
Alright inspection passes, assigned ward 1108. Hi, welcome to heaven, I'll be with
you in just a sec. Mary, I have a new one in front of me now. I'll have to call
you back. Thanks. Sorry about that. Busier than usual today. What's your name?
Hi, I'm Ashley.
There's over 20 million Ashley's, friend. You're gonna have to be more specific
than that. What's your last name?
Cruz.
Ashley Cruz. Welcome Ashley. I am Saint Peter, the heavenly gatekeeper.
I have some information I'm gonna need you to fill out after I find your
name on this...Ashley Cruz from Saskatoon or Bogota?
Huh?
Yeah I doubt either of these are you. You seem a bit young.
Do you have your ID number?
What's that?
Well it's something you should know. Do you have anything with your name on it?
No.
No identification, huh? Your gonna need to fill out a lot of paperwork.
Have you taken the entrance exam?
I don't think so.
Okay, you're gonna want to go to Suite 316 and look for a man named John.
I'll write this information down for you.
Tell him you're a "No Row". You're gonna need to take the exam.
There's a study guide you can find on the first floor next to the Wonka bars,
and bring me one back while you're there.
What's an exam?
Although when you are done, you're gonna have to wait for about two weeks in purgatory
until the results come in. It's neither as good nor as bad as it sounds, though.
What's an exam?
Ha! What's an exam...good one, kid.
Are you serious? Have you ever taken an exam?
Really? tell me something, can you read or write?
Wow, in this day and age? No Child Left Behind...I can think of one now.
I'm gonna need to call this one in.
Hey Mary, it's me. It's Peter. At the gates. From admissions.
Can you believe this? I just got off the phone with her.
Listen, I have a name here. Can you look it up for me?
First name Ashley, last name Cruz. C-R-U-Z.
Nope, it's spelled differently. It's not her, believe me.
Location? The Chicago area.
Yeah, well she is young. I see. Great. Thanks.
Ashley, as it turns out, you're a couple decades early.
Company policy states that I can either let you in or send you back. But in
either case I have to decide for you.
How about this: you tell me how you got here, and I'll make the decision after that.
Well I found a little piece of paper on the street. I showed it to
my teacher and she took me to the principal's office. The principal
sent me home, mommy sent me to my room, my dad kicked me out of the house
I ran into the Spanish guy on the street, and he took me to the judge.
The judge sent me to jail, and the woman prisoner in jail made me go with the
prison guard. The prison guard put me in a chair and when I woke up I was here,
so that's why I'm here.
Oh, sorry kid. I was watching the whole thing on video playback.
Great story...great story. Alright, let me see it.
Oh, no no no no no no. Nope, Big Boss is not gonna like this.
We can't accept you here under these conditions.
Take this. You're gonna need it.
You gonna answer that?
Who are you?
The name's Lucius, king of the damned. How are you?
I'm hot.
Judging by the bottle I see this isn't your first stop.
Did you fail the entrance exam?
No.
Did you lie or cheat to get in? If you did I'll
try to get you a room by the Slurpee machine.
No, I just got sent here.
Not that I'm complaining. It's just that someone your age hasn't been here in quite a while.
What did you do?
Well I found a little piece of paper on the street. I showed it to
my teacher and she took me to the principal's office. The principal
sent me home, mommy sent me to my room, my dad kicked me out of the house
I ran into a Spanish guy on the street, and he took me to the judge.
The judge sent me to jail, and the woman prisoner in jail made me go with the
prison guard. The prison guard put me in a chair and when I woke up I was in heaven.
Saint Peter told me I couldn't stay, and he sent me here, so that's why I'm here.
Let me see if I got this straight. You found a little piece of paper on the street.
You then showed said piece of paper to your teacher, who then, with no sense of purpose,
took it upon herself to personally escort you
to the principal's office.
This oaf of a man, presumably someone as immoral as he is ingenuine, found that the best
possible solution for your and his problem was
to run you about, away from sharper minds and
unable to influence others. From there, you went
home, as any child would, expecting, dare I say,
a mother's warm embrace. Instead you received the equivalence of a verbal thrashing as she
cast you to your room. Little did she know that
while on the journey to your room, you would
casually walk into your father, who should have
known better than to suspect that his only
daughter was under the influence of mischief. His lack of fortitude told him that you
should have no part in the family's home, so
he tossed you to the very curb from which he came.
While on the streets, you ran into Señor España,
a gentleman co-worker of mine, who immediately
cast a spell of doubt and submitted you to the high courts. The judge, the
righteous one in charge of the fate of others, decided your destiny in a matter of seconds
and condemned you to jail, surpassing "Go" and your chance to collect $200.
In jail, a female prisoner found your guilt so offensive to that of her own, that she
created a scene so large, the lofty prison guard had no choice but to remove you
from her presence. Feeling pretentious, perhaps precocious, this officer found
himself to be above the law that he is sworn to obey, and submitted your being to
the chair of execution. As if death were not enough, a paperwork issue, no pun intended,
lead you from a paradise your mind created, a place of aquatic ecstasy, and, cast you out
to a never-ending abyss of sheer nothingness, accompanied only by the feeling that as
much as things change, the more they stay the same. And to my surmise, this all
stemmed from the innocent picking of a single piece of paper...
Place it in my hand dear, that which hath brought shame to thine fervor.
Huh?
Just give me the piece of paper.
It burned on the way in.
Ashley? You okay?
I'm fine.
Let's go get some breakfast.