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Kevin Malone, you're next.
Spit that out.
Spit
Okay, come on.
Let's go.
You look cute today, Dwight.
Thanks, girl.
So, yesterday, Dwight found
half a joint in the parking lot.
Which is unfortunate,
because, as it turns out,
Dwight finding a drugs
is more dangerous
than most people using drugs.
Let's go over some of the symptoms
of marijuana use.
Shall we ?
You tell me who this sounds like.
Slow moving.
Inattentive.
Dull.
Constantly snacking.
Shows a lack of motivation.
I like the people
I work with, generally.
With four exceptions.
But someone committed a crime.
And I did not become
a Lackawanna County
Volunteer Sheriff's
Deputy to make friends.
And by the way, I haven't.
Episode 20 - Season 2
DRUG TESTING
I enjoy the tangy zip,
of Miracle Whip.
Jim does the best impressions.
Sometimes he'll look up
at me from his desk
and he'll just be someone else.
Like, he'll go
That's supposed to be Phyllis.
I can't do it as good as he can.
And the guys are saying,
"Chug chug chug.
"
But I'm so small
and all I'd eaten that day
was one of those Auntie Annes's
pretzels from the food court.
So I said,
"Is it okay if I sip it ?"
And they said no.
But Ryan seemed cool either way.
Stop!
This is no Kelly Kapour story hour.
Illegal drugs were consumed
on company property, okay ?
Your *** is on the line, Mister!
My *** is on the line!
Now, I'm going to ask you again.
What time did you go home
last night ?
I didn't know you were
at a party on Saturday night.
I go to a lot of parties.
Okay, I'm gonna need to search
your car.
Give me your keys.
I am not giving you my keys.
Don't make me do this the hard way.
What's the hard way ?
I go down to the police station
on my lunch break.
I tell a police officer
I know several.
What I may suspect
you may have in your car.
He requests a hearing from a judge
and obtains a search warrant.
Once he has said warrant,
he will drive over here
and make you give him
the keys to your car.
And you will have to obey him.
Yeah, let's do it that way.
Ryan, is he bugging you ?
Dwight, dude, you gotta take
a chill pill, man.
It was one joint in
the parking lot, you know ?
You'reyou're totally
harshing the office mellow.
I can't stop this investigation.
It is my job.
- You are a volunteer.
- I volunteered for this job.
And that's not the same.
- It is my duty
- Volunteer duty.
To investigate the crime scene.
I have six more interviews to go,
and then I will reveal what I know.
Narc!
If you are attempting
to compliment me,
then you have done a very good job.
I wasn't attempting
to compliment you.
Well, you have.
Because being a narc
is one of the hardest jobs
that you can have.
- And I am very proud of being a narc.
- Why don't you just cool it ?
Cool it, Dwight, please ? God.
Dude, where's my office ?
I totally lost it.
'Cause I was halfbaked!
Smoking doobies!
Doobie Brothers.
I was smoking
doobies with my brothers.
Peace out Seacrest!
Well, your office is behind you.
Thanks.
Munchies.
Who wants some munchies ?
I don't think Michael's
ever done drugs.
I don't know if anyone's
ever offered him any.
Oscar visited Mexico
when he was five
to attend his great
grandmother's funeral.
What does that mean
to the United States
law enforcement officer ?
He'a a potential drug mule.
Have you ever taken
any illegal drugs ?
No, I have not.
Do you think it's possible that
maybe you could have had
some drugs in your system
without you knowing about it ?
What are you implying ?
Have you ever
pooped
a balloon ?
Okay, I'm done with this.
He sure left in a hurry.
I don't want to blow this.
This is what all good law
enforcement officers dream of.
The chance to solve
an actual crime.
Do you know what this is ?
Yes, it's marijuana.
How do you know that ?
It's labeled.
Dammit.
That, is Northern Lights
Cannabis Indica.
It's marijuana.
I'm just saying that you can't
be sure that it wasn't you.
That's ridiculous,
of course it wasn't me.
Marijuana is a memory loss drug.
So maybe you just don't remember.
I would remember.
Well, how could you if it just
erased your memory ?
- That's not how it works.
- Now, how do you know how it works ?
Knock it off, okay.
Now I'm interviewing you.
No, you said that I'd be
conducting the interview
when I walked in here.
Now, exactly how much
pot did you smoke ?!
So, Pam told me you do
a great Stanley impression.
I'd love to hear it.
Why do you keep CC'ing me on things
that have nothing to do with me ?
Is that supposed to be me ?
Oh, hey, Stanley.
I was just doing an impression.
I do not think that is funny.
He does everyone in the office.
"I do not think that is funny.
"
Jinx, buy me a coke.
No no no.
No talking.
Jim is not allowed to talk
until after he buys me a coke.
Those are the rules of Jinx.
And they are unflinchingly rigid.
Sold out! That has never
happened in the history of Jinx!
"Come on.
"
Sorry, that's not my problem.
I know you're innocent.
But I can't look like I'm treating
you any differently.
I understand.
Where were you yesterday
after work ?
Who's he calling ?
Rattin' somebody out.
Narc.
Narc!
- Kevin.
- That is so good, Michael.
Remember the narc bit ?
Okay, I will let them know.
- Attention everyone.
- Who's in trouble ?
Drug testers are coming in a couple
hours to test everyone's urine.
What ? What are you talking about ?
Company policy.
If drugs are found on the premises,
there is automatic drug testing
conducted within 24 hours.
Is that true, Toby ?
When you sign your job application
you agree to comply
with random drug testing.
Two nights ago, I went to
an Alicia Keys concert
at the Montage Mountain
Performing Arts Center.
I had scored these great
aisle seats.
Anyway, after the opening act,
this beautiful girl
sits down next to me.
And I never get to meet
girls with lip rings.
And she had one.
I don't know exatcly
how this happened,
but one of her friends started
passing around some stuff.
And they said that
it was clove cigarettes.
And I'm sure that
it was clove cigarettes.
Everybody in the aisle
was doing it.
Okay, attention, everyone.
The drug testing
has been cancelled.
Instead I will be going
around to each of you
and doing a visual inspection.
- No, you can't do that.
- I can do that.
It is my office.
No, you cannot.
It has to be official.
And it has to be urine.
All right.
Kevin, what prescription drugs
are you taking besides Rogaine ?
I'm not taking Rogaine.
Angela, what about you ?
I don't take any
prescription drugs.
You're not on anything ?
Good.
So, the first time
we went out to dinner,
it was like, whatever, fine.
But I was so nervous.
So this time I want it
to be special.
So, I bought a new dress!
One of those kinds that's kind
of low cut at the top
to show some things,
but not everything.
I mean, not everything, Jim.
I promise,
- I'm not a
- Hey guys, what's going on ?
Oh, we're just having
the best conversation.
Okay, well, Michael wants to see
everyone in the conference room.
But you know what ?
We have a few minutes.
So you guys should definitely
finish up your conversation.
Cool, thanks.
So, I was looking so hot
It has come to my attention,
that some people here
think the use of drugs
is something to laugh about.
- We don't feel that way.
- No, not at all.
You were the one joking around
calling Dwight a narc.
That was a test.
I was testing you.
And you all failed.
Miserably.
When I said that Dwight was a narc,
how many of you defended him ?
How many of you said,
"Hey, you know what ? He's right.
"
"What he's doing is protecting
this office from the evils of drugs" ?
Thank you, Michael.
I am ridiculously anti-drug.
I am so anti-drug that
I am above suspicion
in any way that involves
suspicion
or testing of any kind.
Drugs ruin lives, people.
Drugs destroy careers.
Take Cheech and Chong.
Everybody knows that
Cheech and Chong are funny.
But just imagine how funny they
would be if they didn't smoke pot.
I want everybody to take
a look to their left.
Now I want everybody to take
a look to their right.
One of those people will be dead
from drug use at some point
in their lives.
This year, more people
will use ***
than will read a book
to their children.
Where did you get these facts ?
Are these facts scaring you ?
Or are they not ?
They are not.
Do you think that smoking
drugs is cool ?
Do you think that doing
alcohol is cool ?
No, I don't.
I have about a glass of red wine
with dinner about once a week.
For the antioxidants.
Okay, enough.
Enough.
Enough!
I have written down
a list of illegal drugs.
Take a gander.
How many of these
are you familiar with ?
Hookah is not an illegal drug,
Michael.
- Yes, it is.
- No, it's not.
It's a type of pipe.
You can fill it with tobacco,
often mixed with fruit, or flavored
Okay, you know what, Toby ?
Pam, could you take this down ?
In addition to Toby's
urine being tested,
I would like to test his blood
and his hair.
- You can't do that.
- I can test anyone randomly.
And I have chosen you, randomly.
- That's not random.
- Okay.
Eenie, meanie, miney
moe.
Is random.
Okay, you know what ?
I'm gonna need a volunteer
to select one of these words.
And tell us of something tragic
that happened in either their lives
or the lives of a loved one.
Yeah, Pam.
I know that Jim has an amazing
story about a relative of his
who got caught up
in the world of drugs.
Really ?
Jim, it's okay.
You can
This would be a good
place to let it out, Jim.
These are people you can trust.
These are people who care about you.
It's okay.
Just
we will not judge you.
We are here to not judge you.
Oh, he's doing it, okay.
It's okay.
"I can't.
"
Okay, you sure ?
That looked like
it was going to be good.
All right.
Okay, well
He really pulled out the big guns.
Fake crying.
Did not expect that.
The point I'm trying to make
with all of this, people,
is that I hate drugs.
I hate them.
And based upon what I have seen,
you all don't quite hate 'em
as much as I do.
So you are going to have
a drug test.
And I am not.
- No, you will be tested.
- Yes, I no, will not be.
You will be.
That is the law
according to the rules.
Okay.
Well, Dwight, just know
that I've been very busy today.
And I've got a lot of work to do.
And I wasn't planning
on going to the bathroom.
And I don't even know if
anything's gonna come out, okay ?
So, good.
Thank you.
Hi, Linda.
Dwight Schrute.
Assistant Regional Manager.
You might remember testing
my urine a few years back
when I was applying to be a
Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy.
We test a lot of urine.
Mine was green.
Oh, right.
- How are you ?
- I'm all better.
So, I need you to do some work
on the St.
Andrew's account.
I need your urine.
I need some filing done
- What kind of filing ?
- That just
forget it.
Just the urine.
That goes directly to the tester.
Just
I need your urine.
- Like in a cup ?
- Yes, in a cup.
- We're not animals, Dwight.
- For what purpose ?
It's none of your business.
- Then I refuse.
- Okay, all right.
Just
I went to an Alicia Keys concert.
Over the weekend.
And I think that
I may have gotten high
accidentally by
a girl with a lip ring.
Are you serious ?
I need clean urine for the lady.
But that's illegal.
Don't think of it that way.
It's like
urine goes all over
the place, you know ?
There's no controlling it.
It just
Not my urine.
A cup could find its way
under the urine.
It might be an accident.
Were you forced to do
drugs at this concert ?
- Just
- Is something wrong ?
Just look, just
just fill up the cup.
Do you want to give
Michael your urine ?
I want him to have
all the urine he needs.
You're not gonna get
my permission on this.
I know that.
Don't you think I know that ?
Yeah, we do testing
all over the country.
Cool.
Hey, are you guys hiring ?
You wanna work
at the urinalysis lab ?
Yeah, maybe.
My father's name was
Dwight Schrute.
My grandfather's name
was Dwight Schrute.
His father's name ?
Dwiged Schrued.
Amish.
I loved my father very much.
Every morning he'd wake up at dawn
and make us biscuits with gravy.
When I was little, my dad and I
played a lot of games together.
My dad cheated a lot,
but I never busted him on it.
I would have,
except I didn't know about it.
He didn't tell me 'til years later.
I was shocked when I found out.
What ?
Did you wanna tell me something ?
You look like you wanna
tell me something.
You look like you have something
really important to say
and you just can't for some reason.
Come on, you can tell me.
Jim, you can tell me anything.
I'd like a magazine.
We just need urine, sir.
I'd still like one.
Dwight.
Well, I passed the test,
thanks to you and
your untainted pee.
Thank you very much.
- That's great.
- What's wrong ?
- Where's your costume ?
- It's a uniform.
And I turned it in today
when I tendered my resignation.
Why ? What
I took an oath when I was sworn in.
And I broke that oath today.
Here.
Just buy it from me.
I haven't talked to you in hours,
and it's been weird.
And I really wanna know what
the hell's going on with Dwight.
- Hi.
- Hey.
How much time do you have left
on your break ?
Since you did such a good job
with the investigation
I decided to pull a few strings,
call in a few favors.
And I've decided to make you
Official Security
Supervisor of the branch.
- Really ?
- Yes, sir.
That's fantastic.
'Cause I've always felt
that the security here sucked.
So, you wanna
"Dwight K.
Schrute,
I hereby declare you
an honorary volunteer corporal
in charge of assisting
all activity security.
"
- Good, okay.
- Here's your badge.
Thank you, Michael.
Very nice.
Great.
Can I have a gun ?
No.
I don't have a gun.
Okay.
I'll have to bring my bo staff.
I don't think so.
Don't.
- Good.
- Thank you, Michael.
I need to go over
some details with you.
- All right
- First of all
Thank you.
How many orange traffic cones
do you have ?
- Two.
- Oh God.
What a terrible day
to not be able to talk.
Dwight was literally
carrying around his own urine
and dressed like
one of the Village People.
Why does he do the things
that he does for Michael ?
I just don't get it.
What is he getting out
of that relationship ?