Tip:
Highlight text to annotate it
X
[Subtitles by danielsangeo]
"You're in the barrel."
Oh, wait. I can't remember which way to go.
Was it left? Right?
Nnnnnnnrrryuhh... I'll go this way.
Hope it's good.
Safety!
American bad ***!
And more soulless walls of concrete.
Wait a second. Was that the same hallway?
Ohh! It is!
It didn't even matter.
Those sneaky architect ***.
I have to say, though, working in an underground laboratory is pretty cool.
It kind of makes me feel like I'm an evil scientist.
I always wanted to be an evil scientist.
Muhahahahahaha...
Uh-hahahahahahaha...
Huhehehahahahahaha...!
WAAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-Hah!
Okay, I'd better chill out.
I don't want a repeat of Monday.
Deep breaths...
SCIENTIST: Greetings.
Heeeeyyyyy... wait, I don't know you.
Don't confuse me.
Everything... this way. Awesome.
LASER!
Caution.
LASER!
Caution.
LASER!
Caution.
LASER!
What could it mean?
How about you? You know any jokes?
No?
Oh well.
Man, I've gotta get my mind out of the gutter.
Okay, could this hallway be more depressing?
This lighting is crap!
It's either too dark or has this sickly green look.
Y'know, it wouldn't kill them to get some bulbs down here that give off UV rays.
SCIENTIST #1: Ah, Gordon, here you are.
SCIENTIST #1: We just sent the sample down to the test chamber.
SCIENTIST #2: We've boosted the Anti-Mass Spectrometer to 105%.
Nice hair.
SCIENTIST #2: Bit of a gamble, but we need the extra resolution.
SCIENTIST #3: The administrator is very concerned that we get a
SCIENTIST #3: conclusive analysis of today's sample.
SCIENTIST #3: I gather they went to some lengths to get it.
FedEx'd it and everything, huh?
SCIENTIST #1: They're waiting for you, Gordon, in the test chamber.
You know, sometimes I think you guys are just robots, except not cool.
I wonder if we built this facility on an ancient Indian burial ground.
I mean, this is New Mexico.
You know, I still have no idea what these things are.
SCIENTIST #4: Ah, it's good to see you.
Yes, it IS good to see me.
They look like toy plasma globes, but what use would we have for that?
[shattering sound] HIT THE DECK!
SCIENTIST #5: It's about to go critical!
I thought it was a sniper...!
SCIENTIST #4: What the hell is going on with our equipment?
SCIENTIST #5: It wasn't meant to do this I guess that wouldn't make sense.
SCIENTIST #5: in the first place!
Let's have a look here.
Ah, yeah, that's busted.
[shattering sound]
Whoa!
Damned Cyrix processors...
You go with the lowest bidder and this is what happens.
Glad that's not my problem.
Oh no. Not this elevator.
I hate it; it always makes me dizzy.
Okay, maybe if I turn at the right time with it, I won't be dizzy.
Left... right... no, wait, the other way.
Clockwise...
Counter-clockwise... no!
Oh man, I still messed it up again; I'm still dizzy.
Well, it's not as bad as those teacup rides at Disneyland.
I hate those. They're designed so if you puke out the side,
you spray as many people as possible.
SCIENTIST: Freeman.
You know it!
Hm.
Am I the only person here with a beard?
I understand that the guards don't have them, but the scientists?
Something's wrong here.
SCIENTIST #6: I'm afraid we'll be deviating a bit
SCIENTIST #6: from Standard Analysis Procedures today, Gordon.
I don't care.
SCIENTIST #7: Yes, but with good reason.
SCIENTIST #7: This is a rare opportunity for us.
SCIENTIST #7: This is the purest sample we've seen yet.
SCIENTIST #6: And, potentially, the most unstable.
SCIENTIST #7: Now now, if you'll follow Standard Insertion Procedures,
SCIENTIST #7: everything will be fine.
SCIENTIST #6: I don't know how you can say that,
SCIENTIST #6: although I will admit that the possibility of a
SCIENTIST #6: Resonance Cascade Scenario is extremely unlikely--
SCIENTIST #7: Gordon doesn't need to hear all this; he's a highly-trained professional!
Hell yeah!
SCIENTIST #7: We've assured the administrator that nothing will go wrong?
SCIENTIST #6: Ah, yes, you're right.
SCIENTIST #6: Gordon, we have complete confidence in you.
Me too!
SCIENTIST #7: Well, go ahead. Let's let him in now.
Does my beard intimidate you?
[rapid beeping] Nyaaaaahhh! Stop that noise!
I hate that!
It reminds me of that dream I have where I'm strapped to a gurney watching Fraggle Rock
with flashing lights on either side of me.
Then I realize: I'm in Hell!
It's all crap anyway.
The only reason we have those scanners
is because they caught playing racquetball in here once.
[microphone feedback, Gordon hocks a loogie]
SCIENTIST #8: Testing, testing... Eh, better not.
SCIENTIST #8: Everything seems to be in order.
Roger, Roger. What's your vector, Victor?
SCIENTIST #9: All right, Gordon, your suit should keep you comfortable through all this.
SCIENTIST #9: The specimen will be delivered to you in a few moments.
SCIENTIST #9: If you would be so good as to climb up and start the rotors,
Oh, yeah.
SCIENTIST #9: we can bring the Anti-Mass Spectrometer to 80%
SCIENTIST #9: and hold it there until the carrier arrives.
I like climbing things.
It appeals to my simian instincts.
And also makes me regret how I have no tail.
Damn my genes. I have no tail and I must swing.
SCIENTIST #9: Gordon, are you not hearing me? Climb up and start the rotors, please.
Wha-what do you think I'm doing?
Hey, I could just sit here and not do a damned thing.
Bet you'd like that, huh?
Ungrateful pricks.
I'm going to start making a list of names around here.
And you're going to be towards the top of the list.
This is getting ridiculous.
I never thought I'd have so many enemies that I'd need to make an actual list.
But, it's just getting to be more than I can keep track of.
I mean, what the hell, it worked for Nixon, it should work for me, right?
SCIENTIST #9: Very good.
SCIENTIST #9: We'll take it from here.
SCIENTIST #8: Power to Stage I Emitters in 3... 2... 1...
Pow!
SCIENTIST #8: I'm seeing predictable phase arrays.
Yeah.
At times like this I remember why I became a physicist:
To show antimatter particles who's BOSS! YEAH!
SCIENTIST #8: Stage II Emitters activating...now.
Pew!
Awesome. Totally awesome.
SCIENTIST #9: Gordon, we cannot predict how long the system can operate at this level,
SCIENTIST #9: nor how long the reading will take. Please, work as quickly as you can.
I'm not talking to you. You're on the list.
I'm doing this because I want to.
SCIENTIST #8: Overhead capacitors to one-oh-five percent.
Wait, isn't that a little dangerous?
SCIENTIST #8: Uhh... it's probably not a problem... probably.
SCIENTIST #8: But I'm showing small discrepancy in... well,
What?
SCIENTIST #8: no, it's well within acceptable bounds again.
SCIENTIST #8: Sustaining sequence.
Man, don't jinx us.
SCIENTIST #9: I've just been informed that the sample is ready, Gordon.
SCIENTIST #9: It should be coming up to you any moment now.
SCIENTIST #9: Look to the delivery system for your specimen.
Seriously, I hope we get some good readings today.
Depending on what we find, we might just disprove string theory.
That would make my day.
If we do, I'm not going to be gracious about it, either.
I'm going to rub people's FACES in it.
So, what's the deal, guys? You ready or what?
SCIENTIST #9: Standard insertion for a nonstandard specimen.
All right.
SCIENTIST #9: Go ahead, Gordon, schlomp the carrier into the analysis port.
I hate it when he talks like that.
Next, he's going to start smacking his lips.
SCIENTIST #10: What is he doing in there?
Huh?
SCIENTIST #9: Nothing you need to worry about, Gordon. Heh. That's it, uh--
SCIENTIST #9: Go ahead.
Huh, yeah, wouldn't want to take the blinders off the horse, now would ya?
Whatever.
[high-pitched whine, teleportation sounds] OH GOD!
WHAT-WHAT DO I DO? WHAT-WHAT DO I DO?
SCIENTIST #9: GORDON, GET AWAY FROM THE BEAM!
SCIENTIST #8: SHUTTING DOWN...!
OH, NO, NO, NO! THIS IS NOT GOOD!
SCIENTIST #8: IT'S NOT...!
LET ME OUT OF HERE!
SCIENTIST #8: IT'S NOT...IT'S NOT SHUTTING DOWN! OPEN UP THE DOOR!
[scientists scream, explosions] OPEN THE DOOR, YOU ***!
RRRRGH! I HATE YOU!
THIS IS A BAD EXPERIMENT!
WE ARE BAD PEOPLE!
WHY DID WE USHER FORTH THE GREEN APOCALYPSE?!
What happened?!
What is this?
Am I dead?
I don't feel dead.
But, how would I know?
If this is what it's like to be dead, then being dead SUCKS!
Oh, ***! That's the ceiling!
WHERE'S MY HELMET?!
...what the ***?
WHO ARE YOU?!
NO!
I DON'T WANNA BE A SCHIZOPHRENIC!
Oh my God, this is crazy-in-a-box with a side order of fries!