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I measured like we did in CPR to
find where the heart was and that's where I just took the
barrel and put it up against my chest and pulled the trigger
and suddenly there was commotion beneath me and then I started noticing
all of the people underneath me and the
EMS workers were
pushing the stretcher down the hall and
I really wasn't concerned with my body
I was more concerned with there were a couple of plainclothes policemen
over where the guns were and they were.. one of them was wrong about something and I
was trying to tell him
that he was wrong. I was suddenly
looking at this light that seemed to be in the corner of the room
but the first thing I thought was
"Where did you come from?" and she said
"I've always been here but you weren't
able to see me before." The reason I used shay is because
she emanated feelings
of selflessness, love, all-consuming love,
understanding, kindness
and those were attributes that I thought of as being feminine
then I knew I was supposed to be keeping up with my body
so I followed my body through the hall and out the front door
and there's something about being outside when your out of your body
but when I got outside it was just wonderful
but it seemed like I was always just kinda looking through the ambulance
because I was enjoying being outside.
It's really kind of a nice experience
with the lights and everything and the feeling of lightness.
She took on all the pain
and all the suffering with total understanding
of what had brought me to that point and it was like
we were intertwined and
that everything that I felt she felt too
There was this unconditional
love like most parents have for
their children that
no matter how bad I might have been or
that I was totally loved
it totally understood because she understood the
motivation behind what I did
There was this
togetherness that this empathy that she had for me
and just wonderful love!
She said "You can stay here are you can
go back
if you stay you're going to have to go through
everything that brought you to this point
and at the same time
I was seeing the things that had brought me to that point
the things in my life that were painful. There were other things
but somehow the things that had been painful
were the things that made the biggest impact
and I knew that I didn't want to go through that again
so there's no way to escape. That if you try to kill yourself
and you succeed some how you're going to have to go back
and live the life from the beginning and go through
everything that was painful in your life
and then have to go from the point where you killed yourself
also. So, your'e not escaping
How to love other people and how to forgive
and to put yourself in the place
of other people in order to understand them
and that's something that you have to do in order to love
people and in order to love yourself
because if you hold grudges and
it hurts you
and it hurts the other people and it's
a barrier to love if you can't forgive.
you don't necessarily have to forget when people hurt you
but you have to understand them and forgive them
I think that that
is most important thing about love that I've learned
and how to look at how where alike
rather than how we're different.