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Hello, this is Dr. Poonam Sharma. I'm author of Strong Women, Strong Love: The Missing
Manual for the Modern Marriage. In this video segment I'd like to talk to you about Valentine's
Day. Especially for those of you that may be disappointed in how the day went, I'd like
to give you some tips on how to move past the disappointment.
First. a little housekeeping thing before we get started. I am a licensed psychologist
in the State of Texas and so I do need to let you know that any information you get
from this video is purely for educational purposes and should not be thought of as any
form of counseling or psychotherapy.
So, how was your Valentine's Day? Was it full of fun and companionship with your husband,
or were you a little disappointed by how things went?
Many times we women have very specific expectations about how thing should go on days like Valentine's,
and on top of that I think we have many romantic myths typically in our minds. One of those
is believing that our dream guy (hopefully it's your husband!) should know how to make
you happy without any effort on your part.
Now, when we don't let our partners know the expectations that we have in our minds, that's
a problem because it can cause tremendous stress in the relationship. He's trying to
figure out what he's supposed to do, and you're waiting patiently for him to do that. Anybody
relate to that?
Disappointments like a Valentine's Day letdown can easily lead to resentment and feelings
of hopelessness about the relationship. I think it's important to figure out what to
do with these hurt feelings and move forward. I'm going to offer you a couple of tips that
I hope are very useful to you in doing exactly that.
1. I want to encourage you to be very direct. The next time a special occasion comes up
like Valentine's or your birthday or an anniversary, be direct about how you'd like the occasion
to go. Remember that romantic image in your mind may not be the same ones in your husband's
mind. That's one of the reasons you'll hear many guys say, "Just tell me what you want!"
Most women feel very offended by that: "What do you mean, tell you what I want? You don't
know what I want?" And really what the man is telling you at that point is: "Tell me
what you want because I'm really trying to make you happy here, but I really don't know
what those expectations are. So, let's just put them out on the table and then we'll all
be happy." Well we all know it doesn't always quite work that way.
If part of what you are expecting is that your celebration of whatever occasion it is
will be going out and having fun together--dinner and dancing--those kinds of things...If that's
what you're really hoping for, let him know because he may be thinking: "Well she probably
wants some roses, and I can get her a nice piece of jewelry." And then he shows up with
that and you're rolling your eyes or just can't believe that he didn't pick up on all
the clues you hoped he would about what you're expecting on that day.
So, it may not seem very romantic to communicate these needs directly, these expectations directly,
but it is really, really important in order to prevent the kinds of disappointment that
we often see when occasions like this happen.
And the other point I make in the book many, many times is any time you show up as yourself,
when you put yourself out there, when you let your needs be known, THAT is something
that will deepen intimacy; it will strengthen that bond you have with your spouse. So, I
think it's essential that you start to use that skill.
So, the first tip is be direct. Just put it out there. Let him know, and even if it doesn't
feel romantic, just do it.
2. Second one. I'd like for you to look at the big picture. Don't use Valentine's Day
as the only gauge of how your relationship is going. It is one day out of 365 days in
the year. I do understand that for many people it is a very special day and it's about expressing
love to the person you're closest to in your life, and so I understand that. On the other
hand, the scientist in me, the psychologist trained as scientist, says, "It's one piece
of data. What about the other 364 days?"
And it is important to look at those other 364 days and see: "Is my husband typically
loving, or is he showing me love in ways that I may not even be noticing?" Not everyone
expresses their love through sweet words or roses, chocolates--all those images that we
are surrounded by. Some people show their affection by doing things for the person they
love--taking care of things around the house, or washing the car (I hear that one a lot).
So look for signs and gather more data.
Look at the big picture. And when you are evaluating how your marriage is and how much
your husband loves you, make sure you are looking at all the information and not just
what happened on that one day.
The reason I really make a point of this is that if part of what's happening is that your
husband is really showing you love in ways that you may not be recognizing, he could
become discouraged if you're not noticing. And then what happens when people feel discouraged,
is they just give up. They just stop. They don't really want to keep doing the things
they are doing because "it doesn't matter anyway." "No matter what I do, she's never
going to be happy." Another thing we often hear men say.
So, everyone will disappoint us some time. That's going to happen in any close relationship.
That is the nature of relationships, but it's important in our closest and dearest relationships,
especially the one we have with our spouse, to really find a way to move forward and to
put all of this in perspective.
Remember that a Valentine's Day disappointment does not mean that your entire marriage is
now a disappointment as well.
Just use these two tips. Be direct. Look at the big picture. And keep moving forward,
working in a constructive way on your relationship.
So, until next time, be sure to go to my blog: StrongWomenStrongLove.com, and I think you'll
find some interesting and useful information there. And be sure to sign up for my newsletter
so that we can be in touch.
Thank you so much for listening, and I'll see you next time.