Tip:
Highlight text to annotate it
X
Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to.
And today, we're definitely gonna go back...
... practically into your sub-conscience.
I want you to remember when you were a little kid...
... walking through the video store and you came across... this.
My Pet Monster, a Live-Action Videocassette
Don't act like you haven't seen this video.
Every kid in the '80s has.
It was in EVERY video store you could imagine.
And SOME OF US were unfortunate enough to RENT it.
PRAY for those people, my friends. PRAY for those people.
So, before we talk about this...
... STUPID movie, let's take a look at a little background.
My Pet Monster was a hit toy in the 1980s, and it was awesome.
Mostly because it was the only doll that boys could play with...
... without looking like a ***.
I mean, come on. A monster that's a pet?
What boy's not going to love that?
One of the big gimmicks was that he had orange chains...
... that you could break, but we found out later that it was made...
... of plastic and velcro, you *** liars...
... but nevertheless, the doll was awesome.
Sometime later, they made a cartoon show that was based...
... on the doll, but that has nothing to do with this.
This an hour long Direct-to-Video movie that was trying...
... to cash in on their product as quickly as possible.
And trust me, it shows.
Is it worth seeing? No. Are we going to? Yes.
This is My Pet Monster.
So the film starts out, oddly enough, as a video game.
Strange, seeing how My Pet Monster...
... was everything BUT a video game.
But hey, Nintendo just came out...
... and we were ready to *** out to anything.
Another odd thing that you'll notice...
... is that you see two other monsters in this opening.
One was My Football Monster--which was a spinoff toy-
-and the other is Beastur, who was an enemy of My Pet Monster.
And, wouldn't you know it:
NEITHER ARE THEM ARE IN THIS *** FILM!
Why have them in the opening if they're not going to be...
... in the rest of the movie?
It's like having Harvey Dent in the first Batman movie...
... and never using him - OK. Bad example.
It's liking having...
... Lizard-Man in the Spider-Man movies and never using him...
... OK. That also doesn't work.
It's like having...
... all these X-Men and never having them used to their full poten...
You know what? MOVIES *** SUCK!
So after that 8-Bit opening, we see a happy family who I swear...
... has the mother from "You Can't Do That On Television."
We see our main character is a little boy named Max...
... and his sister named Melanie, played by Alyson Court...
... who has actually done a shitload of voiceover work...
... including playing Claire in the Resident Evil games.
Lord knows I could use some flesh eating zombies in this flick...
... but I don't hold out much hope.
The kids go on a field trip to a museum where an angry scientist...
... named Snyder is not amused to be a tour guide...
... to such ruffians.
Must I continue this idiocy?
I have more important things to do than to take a bunch of...
... children on a tour of the museum.
What can be more important than these children?
They're the future of our civilisation.
Yeah, I remember when I used to pretend to be a monkey...
... in 8th grade...
... God, I was pitied!
There is to be NO EATING in the museum. Is that clear?
Is that clear, Maxwell?
Hey, good one Bernie.
Heh heh. Good one Bernie.
I'm so writing that down when I get home.
Dear Diary, Bernie said another joke today. God, he's funny.
If only he knew the feelings I had towards him.
If only ...
... I was brave enought to tell him.
God I'm a coward.
So Snyder shows them these Babylonian artifacts...
... that look more like the ancient civilization of the Muppet Tribe.
The inscriptions on these tribal artifacts...
... reveal that these statues possess the power...
... to transform anyone who stands before them...
... into monsters!
Well, thanks for using the scientific term "monster."
Hey, tell us another one.
Hey, that's a good one, Bernie.
QUIET!
What is up with this kid and constantly sucking Bernie's ***?
He's like the Kevin Eubanks of little white children.
In fact ... look at that. He was about to cop a feel.
I swear to God he was about to cop a feel!
Hey, that's a good one, Bernie.
QUIET!
I almost had my chance today, but I chickened out... ...
... at the last moment.
Stupid Billy. Stupid.
One day you will be mine.
This is no bedtime story. This is FACT!
Fact that I have no facts to back up with.
Years of research and documentation and for what?
So my colleagues can call me crazy?
So insignificant bunches of little brats like you...
... can laugh at my theories?
I am a man of science.
NOT a tour guide.
Bravo, Sir. Bravo!
Your years in the Shakespearean Theatre have finally paid off.
Ha ha ha ha!
What a crackpot! That doctor needs a doctor.
And you need a muzzle.
Good one, Maxy!
OK, did the writer only have two lines of small talk in this movie?
How many times are they gonna say "Good one?"
It's said more times than Tommy Wiseau says "Oh Hai."
So the statue decide to transform Max because...
... "Derpity Doo," and his sister sees what has happened to him.
You're a monster.
So they go to Dr. Snyder to show what's happened to Max...
... as we get to the point that really *** PISSED me off...
... as a kid.
Excuse me, Sir.
Your statues turned me into a monster.
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!
It works.
My parents aren't gonna like this.
I mean what?
The HELL IS THAT?!
HOW THE *** DOES THAT LOOK ANYTHING...
... LIKE WHAT'S ON THE BOX?
That's not My Pet Monster...
... it's a *** radioactive Garfield plushie!
I mean what's the point if your going through all the work...
... to make the monster on the cover look like the toy...
... if you're not going make the monster in the movie...
... look like the toy?
I mean what's the pur...
Oh my God!
It IS the *** toy!
They just put the toy on the *** cover.
I never noticed it before, but look.
It's the plastic chains, the cheap fur. It's the *** toy.
That means that they were SO ashamed...
... to show the real monster from this movie...
... that they just decided to switch it with the toy.
So let me get this straight:
The children's play thing that you can get at Toys R Us...
... for, like, $15 is a better special effect...
... than this animatronic Chuck E. Cheese NIGHTMARE?!
YOU LIED TO ME, MOVIE! YOU LIED TO ME!
Yeah, I thought I was getting this, but no, instead I'm getting...
... the *** crack baby from "Where the Wild Things Are!"
So if you were a little kid like I was, you were obviously...
... very disappointed by this point, but *** it!
It's better watching this thing...
... than going outside or learning something.
So Snyder sees this as his ticket to fame and fortune...
... as he locks the kids in the room.
Is the bus still there?
My spider senses are starting to tingle!
They're not feeling very well.
We'll see that they get home safely.
You've got monster powers.
So they manage to break out of the room as Snyder spots them.
Though really, how could anyone not spot them?
It's a *** blue monster walking around...
... and nobody seems to care!
Is this a normal occurance at the museum?
It sure wouldn't shock me.
They probably have a sign outside that says...
... "Warning: May Turn you Into Technicolor Wookie Diarrhea."
I mean, at least it would be a heads up.
So Snyder's about to reveal the monster to the head...
... of the museum just to find that the boy has changed back.
They escape as Snyder's being yelled at...
... and make their way back home.
Their brother Rod comes home, who I think is played...
... by Allan Thicke before puberty, and he's dating a young lady...
... named Stephanie...
... who's getting her poodle Tippy ready for the dog show.
But Melanie goes upstairs...
... to find that Max has transformed into a monster again.
Max!
What?
What? You're reading a comic?! Why are you reading a comic?
You transformed into a hideous blue beast!
How about an "Ooh!" or an "Aah! I'm a hideous blue beast!"
I mean, am I missing something here? It doesn't make any sense.
I got to ask somebody about this.
Hey, Rob. You ever hear about the-
What?
What happened to you?
What are you talking about?
What happened to you?
Oh. Yeah.
I'm a dinosaur.
Oh...
You mind? I'm trying to read The Far Side.
Oh, yeah. Sorry.
Heh heh heh. Oh, Gary Larson. I like cows, too.
I'm a dinosaur.