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Oh, it's amazing.
I love it.
Are your other personalities
also talented?
I want to meet one.
- I didn't no
- Get out!
Tiffany thinks one of your alters
broke into her place
in the middle of the night.
Tara made a new friend.
Tiffany was a threat to the system.
It's just one of your alters
showing a side we've never seen.
My money's on T.
Don't you have something
at Marshall's school?
Hi, Max.
T.
's back.
- Listen, your mom's fine.
- She went AWOL?
- She's at that arcade place she likes.
- You should go get her.
- Did you find her?
- Yes, I have
and she's not even in any trouble.
- What happened to Tiffany's mural?
- What?
They're staying over.
I want to have a party.
You just want to have a party so
that that Jason guy comes over.
Oh, my God.
You made it.
I'm going to kill my niece.
There's my house, in case
you ever want to drop by and
And not have intercourse?
- Are you my mother?
- No way.
Then why are you inside my mother?
grischka, salomon, valpi
SeriesSub.
com
Tuong Duong.
That's where it all went down.
Two clicks off the Mekong river.
We were hunkered down in the ***.
Never saw those *** *** comin'.
For my sins
They left me alive.
I was the only one.
They all said I was lucky.
Was I?
Missing something?
Come on in.
- *** you, ***.
- Tara?
Yeah, it's me.
What happened to my hand?
Buck went a little
colonel Kurtz last night.
We were at the Chiefs' game,
fireworks went off.
You went to the bathroom
and never came back.
Jesus!
My head is killing me.
Can I just crash, or do we got
something going on today?
You're never gonna believe it.
- Hey, Frank.
- Hi, honey.
Shoulda been here
an hour ago, but
I mean, who works construction
on a friday afternoon?
Hi, sweetie.
You be careful with this, it's
Charmaine's birthday present.
- I'll try not to break it, mom.
- Don't.
- Hey honey.
Look at you!
- Big tank you got there, Frank.
- What kind of gas mileage you getting?
- I'll give you a tour later.
- Hi, grandpa.
- How you doin'?
Good.
Thank you.
Hi.
Anyway, it's got swiveling
captains chairs.
It's got a master bedroom
with a king-size bed.
He's turning into
a real lady-killer.
Yeah, he's our very own
Kevin Spacey.
- I gotta go to work.
- Good for you!
- Come straight home after.
- Are you still alive?
She's working already?
I didn't have a job until I was 22.
What are you talking about?
You never worked a day in your life.
Who put you through school
working the hosiery department
at Dillards?
One year.
What happened to your hand?
Nothing.
Just car trunk.
So I was gonna put out some
sandwich stuff.
You guys hungry or
Yeah, I could eat.
- I'll get it.
- I got it.
Well, you're doing enough as it is,
what with us and
Charmaine's birthday party.
- We talked about this.
It's
- Wouldn't it just be easier
to go someplace nice?
Mom, it's fine.
This is what Charmaine wants.
You wanna give me a hand?
Right behind you.
- At least they're consistent.
- Oh, God.
Roast beef's in the drawer.
Why do I let 'em do it? The minute
they walk in here, I just get
You know what's gonna happen?
They're gonna push
and push and push.
And bam, Alice is gonna be there
cutting my dad's steak up
into small pieces.
Well, that's how
Bobby Dole likes it.
I really don't want a transition.
Okay.
- What?
- Nothin'.
I didn't say I could do it.
said I didn't want to.
I didn't say nothin'.
I'm cutting these tomatoes.
- I thought you got a new sofa.
- No.
I'm taking some Xanax.
Hey, I thought
we were through with that.
- I won't make it.
- You'll make it.
Look, that's what
we signed up for, all right?
If Buck shows up
at Charmaine's party,
then that's what happens.
They gotta deal with it, right?
Who knows, could be fun.
*** 'em!
Let your freak flag fly.
This is supposed to be
well-done, people.
Hey So those Stepford ***
at table 24
are really hoovering up that pie?
When you're
finished slicing that egg,
the sauce guns need new filling.
Okay.
You've been kind of zeroed out lately.
Did I *** up or something?
What?
No, you're aces.
Can I get a side of refried
Barnabeenzfor table six, please?
Morning, honey.
What the heck?
I wet the *** bed.
Wha
Oh, Frank.
How many parking tickets, Neil?
Okay, that's it.
You're not driving my truck anymore.
All right, I'll get there
as soon as I can.
Hey, I picked up a nice Nebbiolo.
It's a grape from northern Italy.
- Light, uncomplicated.
- Will it get me drunk?
Paul Anka drinks it.
Hey, how are things lately?
Good.
Everything's good.
You know what I'm talking about.
How are things with you and Tara?
No complaints.
Really?
Well, Bev and I were talking.
You know, if you two ever want
to take a little break,
you could always send the kids
to stay with us.
Like a weekend?
Yeah, a weekend, several weeks,
a couple of months.
What are you talking about, Frank?
The kids have been through a lot.
Come on, we both know things
have been a little crazy lately.
We just want
what's best for the kids.
Truck nuts.
What are truck nuts?
*** Buck!
I told him ten times to
stop customizing my truck.
Apparently they're illegal.
You know, the cops didn't think
they were too funny.
Honestly, I don't get
the logic myself.
Does the truck have a ***?
Or is the truck the ***?
If the truck is the ***, then
the balls are way too small.
Okay, I gotta get outta here.
Hey, pal, what do I owe you?
and I gotta see the title.
I don't have a title.
Well, then, you don't have a truck.
Son of a ***!
Max, I'll drop by later.
I'll pick up the title, okay?
Bad day, man.
I am having a bad ***' day.
Tara's parents want
to take the kids.
- Does Tara know about this?
- No way.
You kidding?
It'd put her over the ***' edge.
I don't know, maybe
- it's not a bad thing.
- What's wrong with you?
It's been a rough couple of months.
You know, a little break.
Work some *** out.
You work this *** out.
How hard can it be to find aunt
Charmaine a birthday present?
I couldn't think of anything.
A coffee card, a book,
some bubble bath
If it comes from you,
she's gonna love it.
No, she won't.
Okay, this is crazy.
What is the deal with you guys?
I don't know, ask her.
She just always hates me.
Marshall, that's not true.
Hey.
Hey.
Where's your dad?
He fell asleep on the couch
watching the game.
I was thinking about
what we talked about last night.
I don't want to tell you what to do.
You want to take a Xanax, take a Xanax.
What's the matter?
My flag too freaky for you?
No, I just spent an hour
with your father,
and I almost became Buck
just to kick his ***.
This isn't usually my style, but
I'm headin' down to Xanax town.
You wanna come?
I'm gonna say nope to dope.
You're right.
We made a decision.
No pills.
I mean, I don't want anything
to happen, but if it does, it does.
I'm okay with it.
It's not my idea.
Charmaine wants to do it.
Well, I don't remember how to play.
It's the same game we always play.
She likes it.
She's good at it.
- That's because we let her win.
- That's not true.
It is true.
You know, I once had lunch
with George Brett.
Let's get this party started
Happy birthday to you, honey.
You look beautiful!
Thanks.
- You look thin.
- Thank you, daddy.
- Happy birthday, aunt Charmaine.
- Where's Kate?
Good question.
Kate!
You want me to open this?
We're not eating for an hour.
How could you do this to you sister?
Do what?
Make her work so hard.
- Mom
- We could have gone to Pierponts.
Yeah, you could have had a steak.
- Should I just leave?
- Dad, just leave it alone.
I'm just worried about her.
She looks thin.
Well, you know, she never eats.
And when she eats, she eats alone.
Wine?
With a straw.
Hey, we're gonna play that game
you're so good at.
- Has it been like this all day?
- All day.
Happy birthday, aunt Charmaine.
Sorry I can't kick it up,
but I gotta hit.
- Where are you going?
- In my uniform? I'm off to iraq.
I thought you weren't working.
Well, I just got called in.
This chick Emily,
her dad just took off,
so her mom slit her wrists,
like a ***.
Left to right, not up and down.
- It was on the news.
- Fine.
Let her go.
Hey, what are you yelling about?
Well, all of a sudden Kate says
she has to go into work.
This is not my choice.
This is an emergency, and I'm trying
to be a team player here.
Your mom worked her *** off.
Go
.
Dad
Please!
- Move your ***.
- No eye rolling.
***.
All right, so I look like ***.
I've got no makeup on,
and I get out of the car
to rip this guy a new one.
And guess who it is.
My ex-boyfriend, Chris Hunter.
- You remember him?
- Oh, yeah.
- No, I don't remember him.
- Yeah, I think I do.
Yeah.
So, Marshall
Mom.
What?
- Charmaine's telling a story.
- Don't worry about it.
I thought she was done.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
No, go ahead.
Finish your story.
What happens?
What happens?
I said I was done.
That's all.
So, Marshall
You got a girlfriend?
Yeah, she's really hot.
Moosh, tell her about
your hot girlfriend.
Kate, knock it off.
Yeah, I bet she's
a real looker, huh?
Yeah, grandpa.
She's a real looker.
You know, she's got
a great set of walking sticks.
I met her when she entered
my private eye office.
Grandpa, you should see her.
She's got these big blue eyes
- and nine uncut inches.
- Hey, time for you to go to work.
What I thought this was
what you wanted me to do.
No.
You're gonna be late.
Go.
- I'm just starting to have fun.
- Yeah, that's why you're leaving.
- Bye, honey.
- Bye, grandma.
So, Marshall, you'll never guess what
opened up near our house in the mall.
This little book store
with the most adorable coffee shop.
And when I saw it, I said to myself,
Marshall is just gonna love this.
I thought I smelled a party in here.
Hey, guys.
Oh, my God.
Who's huffin' the skunk weed Bev?
Bev, are you huffing and passing?
OK, all right.
Listen.
Forget I'm here.
I just dropped by to see Max.
Do you have the title?
- The title.
Yeah.
- The title.
- Gimme a sec.
- All right.
When are you gonna bring
the kids over to our place?
- Yeah, they haven't seen the new pool.
- You should make that happen.
Honey, I heard a little ding.
I think I smell smoke.
Charmaine.
Nice to see you again, Neil.
Max said it was your birthday, so
I brought you this.
It looks like champagne,
but it's bubble bath.
For Whatever.
You know, just
I got
I'm gonna go help Tara
in the kitchen.
Cool.
Okay.
- These are for For anyone, right?
- Help yourself.
The nuts are nice.
Really?
- You think I'm that lonely?
- What?
Neil just shows up out of the blue?
Char, I swear.
I would not do that to you.
Come on.
I just came by to get the title.
Charmaine, I promise.
Why would I
- I shouldn't even have told you.
- Told me what?
About About me and Neil
a year ago.
After the Todd Rundgren concert.
That was Neil?
Charmaine.
- Hey, did Max
- Neil,
you know what,
It's nice that you popped by,
but I don't think it's gonna work out.
- I got the title.
Thank you Beat it.
- Here I go.
Okay.
- What? You okay?
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
- I'm still here.
Okay.
- No, I'm good.
- Okay.
Hey, Frank.
Hey, Max.
I was just telling Marshall here,
since he's into theatrics,
that he could get a walk-on part
at the Mosely Street melodrama.
You know, they have a buffet.
The audience yells at the actors.
That sounds great, doesn't it?
When do I get to see that RV?
Well, let's go.
- See you later, grandpa.
- Yeah.
Come on in.
This is the command center.
The captain's chair.
And every captain needs
a captain's hat.
I don't give a ***
about the RV, Frank.
This stuff with my kids,
I want it to stop.
Come on, Max,
we're just trying to help.
Last time you tried to help,
Tara didn't speak to you for two years.
All right, let's just drop it,
go inside, have a nice dinner,
eat some cake
and get a good night's sleep, okay?
Yeah, I'll sleep when I know
the kids are safe.
My kids are safe.
Maybe you should have spent more time
looking after yours.
You know it's against company policy
to wear your Barnabeez uniform
when you're off duty.
You shouldn't be here.
You're gonna get us both fired.
My parents are driving me ***.
I didn't know where else to go.
Well, you're here now.
You might as well come in.
This is my roommate Kurt.
He runs the Houlihan's in Belton.
Right now I'm just a guy
watching Battlestar.
This is Kate.
She works for me.
We'll be in my room.
Do you want a beer or something?
Sure.
I don't have any.
Cool.
Cool.
That was the same summer you let
that creepy girl cut my hair!
It was stupid.
Andrea Martelli.
- What is this, cod?
- It's tilapia.
Do I like tilapia?
I don't know, Frank.
grow up with that weird kid
who was related to H.
L.
Mencken?
That was me.
I went to boarding school
with Toby Mencken.
If we knew then what we know now, nobody
would have gone to boarding school.
What about their beautiful brochure?
I mean, I know you paid a price,
but what an education.
And the scenery.
All right, come on.
Open your presents.
Let's go.
What is it?
It's a picture from when she took me
to the Indian casino.
I think I was about five.
It's my favorite picture of us.
I wanted you to have it.
Fantastic.
What's next?
? That's all you're gonna say?
What?
Thank you for the magnificent gift.
I'm gonna make some coffee.
Gift card from Barnes & Noble.
- Who's this from?
- It's from me, sweetheart.
I bet I know what it is.
Are you okay?
Too many dishes.
Come with me.
Come on.
- What are we doing?
- I have no idea.
I'm gonna
do anything I can.
You are not gonna transition
and leave me alone with these people!
Come on, faster!
Slow down.
Do you feel better?
I'm gonna spray the yard with tilapia,
but other than that I'm okay.
- I'm me.
- Good.
Good night.
***.
What are we doing here?
What do you mean?
I mean us.
You and me.
What is this?
I don't know.
Wait.
I want to show you something.
It's just one of my inventions.
Don't worry
it's for me.
- It's an actor?
- Glenn Ford.
James Mason!
Goose egg for both of you.
How can you not know Gregory Peck?
- Gregory Peck!
- Gregory Peck!
- Okay, who's next?
- You and Marsh.
You're going down, Marshall.
I'm going to kick
your brainy brains in.
Remember, let her win.
Okay, on your mark,
get set
Go.
Governor of Massachusetts,
ran for president in '88.
- Newt Gingrich.
- No.
Greek guy with the big,
bushy eyebrows.
- Ron Gephardt.
- Big tank
- Pass.
- Okay.
Okay, most people know
this person as Dr.
Seuss.
- Dr.
Seuss!
- Theodore Geisel.
That's it.
Marsh got it.
Yeah, good one, Marsh.
- Partners with David Brinkley.
- Chet Huntley.
Who the *** is that?
- Just play.
- All right.
- Next clue.
Fatty
- Arbuckle.
Roscoe Arbuckle.
Fatty Arbuckle.
Tara, I'm very disappointed in you.
I don't know why you insist
on depriving the children.
- Depriving them of what?
- All right, all right.
Come on.
This is a wonderful
opportunity for them.
We know the headmaster
of the Hunter School.
They could start immediately.
What?
It's not a boarding school, Tara.
It's just a private school.
And they'd be living
at home with us.
Living with you?
What are you talking about?
Well, didn't Max tell you?
Didn't Max tell me what?
We want the children
to move in with us.
Why?
Well, I think you know why.
Tara
- You knew about this?
- No, I didn't.
Is this why you wanted me
to take the Xanax?
What the ***?
Sweetheart, it'll be better
for Marshall and Kate.
Just let 'em stay with us,
like when they were babies.
We lived with them?
I needed you then.
I do not need you now.
- Why didn't you tell me about this?
- 'Cause it was a stupid idea.
- Didn't even consider it.
- Stupid?
- Who's calling anybody stupid?
I'll tell you what's stupid.
Dressing up like a man,
putting on a moustache costume
and hitting some kid in the face.
There's no moustache.
Who told you that?
Why?
Because the only reason they call me
is to find out about you.
- That's not true.
- It's been true my entire life.
It's always about Tara.
Yeah, I know,
I'm not interesting or crazy, and
I didn't get *** at boarding school.
But I'm sick of being
an afterthought.
I'm always the one who ends up
with a sweater
and a gift certificate
to Barnes & Noble.
And a ***
Polaroid picture.
I want a big house,
and I want a great ***' boyfriend.
And I am never gonna
***' have those things
because my idiot ex-husband
made me get a *** job,
and now I'm stuck with these!
Char,
there's nothing wrong
with your ***.
Really, mom?
What do you think of these?
Don't just sit there.
Write her a check.
Mom!
I mean Jesus Christ!
Poor Charmie.
Oh, my God!
So,
Any regrets?
I mean, apart from
the last 20 minutes.
Shut up.
You know, if you're not taking
that picture, I want it back.
I'm taking it.
You know, when we took this trip,
you were so adorable.
You would just stand there
when I was getting ready,
and just stare at me
Like I was a princess.
I hate that you grew up.
Sorry, can't help it.
I don't remember living
with grandma and grandpa.
It was just six months,
when your mom was having
a hard time.
One day, we will get drunk,
and I will tell you all about it.
There you are.
Where have you been?
Who wants cake?
- I do.
- I do.
I could eat.
Yeah, I could always eat cake.
What the ***?
For God's sake, Frank.
You wet the bed again.
- More coffee?
- Yeah.
Bye, grandpa.
- I'll see you.
- I'll see you, buddy.
By the way, don't worry about
the sheets.
I'll take care of it.
- What?
- The bed sheets.
Your secret's safe with me.
Don't worry.
It's tough getting old.
How can you take care of somebody else
if you can't take care of yourself?
Don't forget your captain's hat,
captain.
Well, I made it.