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Beelzebub's wigstand!
Great yodelling Hades!
The blessed thing's taken against me!
Carstairs! Oh,just when I needed him.
Braithewaite! Get in here! I need your help now!
Certainly, sir!
With you in a jiffy!
Damn the jiffy, man. I think someone's sabotaged the carriage!
Brace yourself, Braithewaite, I fear we're about to crash.
Aie!
No time for wingeing now, I-
Did you say "Aie"?
We are proud to present "The Adventures of Stoke Mandeville, Astronaut and Gentleman"
Tales of SCIENCE and HEROISM for all the family, except ladies.
The title of this story is "Stoke Mandeville meets Graham Pennyworth, the alter-ego of Carstairs Macdonald...
... and together, they foil the machinations of the dastardly French super-spy."
In this, our heroes engage in a battle of wits with appalling villains under rather extraordinary circumstances.
All is not as it seems, nor as it should be.
BRACE YOURSELVES!
Hello, Graham Penn- er... yes... er... no, no...
I think you may well have a good case there. Um...
But do you really consider it in the best interests of your company to sue a small charity like-
Oh, it would be?
Oh, it would.
If that's what your consultants say, then, yes.
No, I'm happy to represent you still. Yes... yes...
I could- Yes, I could possibly fit you in...
Monday it is, then.
Yes... no, no, not at all, er... looking forward to seeing you...
Good- ... oh
Stephen, er, Steve.
I've got a meeting with Mr. Schwartz at ten on Monday. Could you put that in the diary for me?
- What?
Um... Monday at ten, okay?
- You want me to make an appointment for you?
No, I've just made the appointment.
- Ah, that's all right, then.
No, I want you to put it in the diary.
What for? You made the appointment, I didn't!
Ah. Yes, yes, you're right... um...
- Have there been any more messages for me? - Nope
None? You're sure?
[Tuts] Yeah, there was one I think... some woman wanted... something.
Was it Rachael Binkley?
Er, yeah all right. She said she was going to lunch or something. I told her to ring back.
Great.
What? Can I go, then?
Did she say mention which... Never mind.
Is she... she your bit, then?
No, she's not my "bit". She happens to be-
Forget it. I'm going to lunch. I'll back at two.
Hey hey! Good luck!
Yes, yes.
Watch me bag!
I'm sorry, Graham, but I don't see what the problem is. I mean you are a lawyer, after all.
Well, for the moment.
So get on with it and represent your client. I mean, you won't get anywhere if you carry on like this.
But Rachael, they're a multinational. What could they possibly gain from suing a hedgehog sanctuary?
Look, they're breaking the law. Have you no morals at all? This is a question of professional ethics.
What do your clients make, anyway?
Oh, ***-liners, I think.
Well there you are. People need ***-liners.
Apparently, these ones are quite special. They not only have wings, they have propellers, too!
Sorry.
Eez ev'rysing aw right, sir?
Yes, fine. Can we have the bill, please?
Certainly, madame.
Right, I have to be going in a minute. I've got a client at 2.05.
Yes, sorry I was late. I went to the wrong restaurant.
Didn't you get my message? I left it on your answerphone.
Yes. Found out why it hasn't been recording for the last month: left the head-cleaning tapes in.
But that's your secretary's responsibility.
Yes, well, Steve's not really a proper secretary. I mean, he's on one of these government training things.
I don't like to go on at him. He's not paid very much.
Look, Graham, you're giving him valuable work experience. There are plenty of other people who would take his place.
Why don't you send him back and get another one? It's a buyers' market.
Yes, I suppose so...
- Ze beel, sir. - Thank you.
Rachael, I was wondering... Are you free on Thursday?
Erm... Yes, I'm free at 11.45.
No, I meant in the evening. Um, you see, I've got two tickets for 'Don Giovanni' at the Theatre Royal, and I was wondering if you'd like...
What was that?
Well, I just thought that you might like-
The crash, Graham!
Quickly! Someone might need representation!
- What's that? - Let this man through! He's a lawyer! - Rachael! Er...
- So, er, what happened then? - Well, this... this... this...
Bloody great thing! It fell in front of me car, and I smashed straight into it! *** goes me no-claims bonus.
- Right. Well, does it have number plates? - Whatever you do, don't admit responsibility.
What we really need is the owner's name and address.
Maybe there's some I.D. on that body.
Body? What? Oh - a body! Er... do you think he's all right?
- Graham! Come back! Don't touch it! Make a sketch!
- Will I be covered for that?
Ah! Sorry about that, everyone. I'm afraid I had to do a bit of a crash-landing just then
and that's why I'm wearing the wrong cravat.
- Could you direct me to the nearest blacksmiths? - What?
Yes, I seem to have broken the last of my Hemworth sprockets. I need a two and three-sixteenths, for my Sturmey Archer. Can you help me?
- What? - Oh dear...
- Um, I need blacksmith's... Hemworth... sprocket. - 'Emworth?
Is there anyone here who speaks British?
Look, mate, you've just wrecked my car!
Oh, have I? How terrible of me. Here, take this.
- What? - No, that's all right. I insist. Keep the lot.
Are you taking the ***?
Those are two fine guineas, sir. Quite enough for your carriage, I'm sure.
- I don't know what you're on, mate, but- - Oh, very well
here's another guinea. Now that really is your lot. Now run along, I need to find a blacksmiths.
You'll wait here until the police arrive. I don't think you realise, but someone's lying dead under your... your...
Astral carriage. Yes, that's all right, that'll be Braithewaite.
It's all right, everyone, he's French.
Someone call the police! Graham, use your mobile 'phone!
Ah. Yes... been meaning to tell you about that...
Look, is this really necessary? I'm sure we could settle this like gentlemen.
"Gentlemen"? You sexist pig!
Well, this has gone quite far enough.
Is there really no one else here who could... Carstairs! What a stroke of luck!
Can you help me out, here? I seem to have offended the natives.
I think he is dead.
Good, good. French spy, you know. Could tell you more, but must get on. Whatever are you wearing, Carstairs?
"Carstairs"? I'm Graham Pennyworth, I'm-
Don't be ridiculous man! Pull yourself together. Now, do you have a spare Hemworth?
Careful Graham, I think he's mad.
Look, sir, will you kindly keep out of this? My friend and I are here on the King's business.
Carstairs, is your carriage far from here?
- My name's Graham Pennyworth, and I have no idea what you're talking about. - What's that?
- My god! Garlic! Carstairs, you've been poisoned. - What?
I can smell it on your breath!
Well, yes - I've just been to a French restaurant.