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What are you doing ?
Soaking up rays, babe.
Except your sun lamp
isn't working.
I've been here
for 5 hours --
Nothing.
You're lucky you
didn't get sunburned.
Aaaghh !
Sorry.
Oh, it hurts,
it hurts.
Would you like
some cold cream ?
Just one scoop.
I'm on a diet.
It's for your nose.
That's where i'm trying
to lose the weight.
I'm talking about
cold cream;
Not ice cream;
cold cream.
Understand ?
You're talking like they're
two different things.
They are !
Aren't you listening ?
What is this ?
Healing through hollering ?
Brian, what happened ?
Yeah, you
look terrible.
I was in a fight.
Looking like that ?
Yeesh !
**
Ow !
Nobody does this and
gets away with it.
Unless they're
over 3 feet tall.
Brian,
what
happened ?
I was in a fight
with bobby duncan.
Who is bobby duncan ?
Isn't he that smart-Mouth
little punk down the street ?
Yeah.
We have to
retaliate.
You beat up
his mother,
You beat up
his sister,
And i'll
eat up his cat.
We're not rumbling
with the duncans.
What started the fight ?
Was it over some woman ?
Kind of
yeah.
All right, brian !
It doesn't matter.
I don't want you fighting.
But bobby said you were
old, ugly, and dumb.
Well, even so,
Next time just
ignore him,
The little brat.
Mom, all kids think
adults are old.
And ugly and dumb ?
He's entitled to his opinion.
So, anyway,
i hit him.
Except, he hit
me back harder.
Over and over.
I know you think you
were standing up for me,
But you shouldn't fight.
Has he ever
actually seen me ?
Yeah.
I think i should
call his mother.
No !
But he might
beat you up again.
I'd rather get beat up,
than be called a snitch.
Yeah, that's the worst.
On melmac, some guy
called me a snitch
Just because i turned him
in to the secret police.
When bobby saw me,
was i in curlers ?
Let it go.
After this lesson,
You'll never get beat
up at school again.
I'm not going to
school anymore.
Don't say that.
School's important.
Dropouts don't get
anywhere in life.
You'll hang around the
house all day eating
and watching tv.
But i want to be
like you.
I don't know whether
to laugh or cry.
The trick is
to concentrate
all your energy,
And let it explode in
a flash of destruction.
Watch.
Eee-Yah.
All right !
That never
worked before.
Do it again.
Okay.
Eee-Yah.
I guess there's pain only when
you don't break the board.
Unbelievable pain.
Hey, brian.
Your mother told
me what happened.
Are you okay ?
Yeah, alf's teaching
me the martial arts.
I don't want you teaching
my son to fight, alf.
Call an ambulance.
I'm serious !
And i'm not ?
I broke my hand.
Let me see.
It looks fine.
Thank you,
professor x-Ray.
It's fine, alf.
It's fine.
That feels good.
Can
you do my shoulders ?
If you really
want to help,
Teach him
not to fight.
He already
knows that --
Look at his face.
Excuse me, alf.
I know whereof
i speak.
When i was
brian's age,
A bully lived
on our block.
He was always
picking on me.
Whereof ?
Sorry.
I'm still
fascinated
By the oddities of
the english language.
Anyway,
This bully was
named clarence.
Ha ! Tough
neighborhood.
Ow !
Every day i'd try
to stand up to him.
And every day
he'd beat me up.
Until finally my
father told me
To just turn
the other cheek.
Is this the same grandfather
that talked to corn chips ?
He was a wise man.
You know what happened ?
When i refused to fight,
clarence stopped bothering me.
It's no fun to pick on
someone who won't fight back.
So tomorrow, if bobby
starts teasing you,
I want you to just
walk away.
Okay ?
Okay.
Willie, my hand
still hurts.
Kiss it ?
Whoa !How
continental.
I love you,
too, mom.
'Bye.
Why are those boards
in the fireplace ?
Alf said, "if you can't
break them, burn them.
"
Alf !
Boing !
Alf, you may not burn
perfectly good lumber.
Oh, right.
One of these days
Willie's going to
build that gazebo.
Brian, what's wrong.
Nothing.
See you tomorrow.
Oh, not again.
Hi, dad.
Bobby beat
me up again.
Oh, no.
I tried to walk away,
But he was sitting
on me at the time.
Lynn, get the
first-Aid kit.
Come on, let me
clean you up.
All right !
That's it !
I say we
fight violence
with violence.
That's how we solved
things back home.
Don't you remember what
happened to your planet ?
It blew up in a nuclear
holocaust.
Why ?
Don't you see the connection ?
What connection ?
I give up.
Me, too.
My head is spinning.
Maybe a cold cream sundae --
You should have heard
what bobby said.
Did he insult me again ?
No.
Dad.
What did he say about me ?
He said you
must have been desperate
to marry someone like mom.
I'm glad to see
he's off my case.
Did he say
anything about me ?
He said you were cute.
Does he know i'm
mom's daughter ?
This isn't funny !
I'm sorry, but i have
to call bobby's mother.
Save your dialing finger.
She's not home.
She went to the
liquor store.
Who told you that ?
Bobby's father.
By the way,
he's coming here
to beat up willie.
What ?
Why ?
He didn't like the way you
talked to him on the phone.
I thought we agreed
that you would stop
Impersonating me
on the phone.
We agreed i'd stop impersonating
the cast of "green acres.
"
[As mr.
Haney from green acres]
mr.
Haney could
have sold brian
Some revivifying potion
From the back of his truck.
What did "i" say
to bobby's father ?
You were a
bit rough.
It was so
unlike you.
What did he say to me ?
He said that he was
going to turn your face
Into silly putty.
Look at the
bright side.
You'll be able
to reproduce the
sunday comics.
[ Doorbell ]
That might be
bobby's dad.
Don't worry,
willie.
We won't let them
keep you alive
artificially.
You must be
mr.
Duncan.
You're gonna rip
my face off, huh ?
You know, i never
meant to say that.
I was upset about brian.
Please accept my apology.
You beat up
bruce lee ?
Not the bruce lee.
Not the karate
bruce lee.
In fact his name
was actually herman.
Won't you
come in ?
Oh, i get
the picture.
You talk tough on the phone,
but can't back it up.
Basically, yes.
This must be
mrs.
Weasel.
So pleased to meet you.
Why did i come over ?
I could have just sent bobby.
Say, i said
i was sorry.
If you're not
big enough --
Is that a crack
about my height ?
I have beat up bigger
guys than you, four eyes.
Ha.
Ha.
Four eyes.
Very original.
What's happening ?
Mr.
Duncan called
dad "four eyes.
"
Ha ha.
Oh that duncan.
What a yo-Yo.
Shh !
We just want your son
to stop picking on brian.
Bobby told me your son
threw the first punch.
Because your son
called me old,
ugly, and dumb.
Ugly ?Better get that
kid some glasses, huh ?
No, better make that contacts.
Right, four eyes ?
That joke gets less funny
every time i hear it,
Shorty.
Mom, dad,
is it time
for church yet ?
Are you trying
to get your daddy
out of a fight ?
Guess whose idea
that was ?
I don't need my daughter
to keep me from fighting.
No, you can run from
fights on your own.
That's it.
I'd like you
to leave now.
Oh, i'm scared,
i'm scared.
I've heard more than
enough from you.
Is that so,
sissy boy ?
Yes, it is.
You obnoxious
little man !
[ Crash ]
Way to go, four eyes !
Doughnut,
willie ?
No sweets for
"boom boom" tanner.
He's in training.
I'm not in training.
I got you a fight
with mr.
Hurlbut
down the street.
Mr.
Hurlbut
is my friend !
Not after the way
"you" talked to him.
Stop calling people !
Don't hit,
don't hit !
What i did was wrong.
I feel very bad
about it.
Honey, don't
torture yourself.
Yeah, the bum
deserved it.
He was a short,
beady-Eyed loudmouth.
Unlike anyone
we know.
I'm not beady-Eyed.
[ Doorbell ]
Who could that be ?
Hard to say.
I called so many people.
Everyone wants to take
a poke at the champ.
I'm glad mike tyson
lives in new york.
Actually, he's thinking
of moving out here.
Hey, that's what his
girlfriend told me.
Hi, tanner.
Whatever i said
on the phone,
i'm sorry.
I just came over to
congratulate you, killer.
It's "boom boom.
"
Everyone is talking
about what willie did
to that awful mr.
Duncan.
How did they find out ?
From me, of course.
There's 3 ways
news can travel --
Telephone, telegraph,
and tell raquel.
So give us a
blow-By-Blow.
I never meant
to hurt him.
I was trying to teach
brian not to fight.
You really pounded
that lesson home.
I'm afraid so.
Don't feel bad.
Mr.
Duncan deserved it.
He had the nerve
to complain
About trevor burning
tires in our yard.
Like i can
control the wind.
If willie can beat
trevor and mr.
Litwak,
We can get a bigger purse
when he fights mrs.
Byrd.
We'll only take the purse if
they throw in matching shoes.
Is everything settled ?
Duncan's on his way over
to talk to me in person.
Where's brian ?
Is he going to sing
the national anthem ?
I want him
to be here
To see that i can solve
these things without fighting.
He's in his
bedroom.
[ Doorbell ]
Good luck,
dad.
Remember it's your title.
He has to take
it away from you.
Brian ?
All right, tanner.
I'm back.
Please come in.
What is it ?
I wanted you to
meet mr.
Duncan.
This is my son, brian.
This is the kid
that gave my kid
the black eye ?
You really gave bobby
a black eye ?
Kate.
I mean i hope
he's okay.
Can i get you
anything ?
How about a beer ?
Of course.
It is almost noon.
Nice walk.
That's
my wife.
What's going on ?
Mr.
Duncan likes
the way i walk.
Me, too !Especially when
you're carrying dinner.
That man gives
me the creeps.
How can you say that ?
Willie's your father.
I was talking about
mr.
Duncan.
Oh, right.
I'm just trying to get
our kids to stop fighting.
Why ?Fighting
is good exercise
for kids.
Not for the guy
on the ground.
Thanks, babe.
You're welcome, bub.
Anyway, where i grew up,
we were always fighting --
At home, school,
the pet store.
The pet store ?
Hey, i like fighting.
It made me what i am today.
The scrap metal business
is a tough racket.
Scrap metal ?
You can keep the can.
Is that a put-Down ?
I'm a scrap metal dealer,
not a garbage man.
I think you're being
overly sensitive here.
Oh, yeah ?
Well you're the goofiest
looking *** i've ever met.
That doesn't bother me.
Dad ?
Those are just
words, brian.
[ Mocking ]
those are just
words, brian.
All right.
I've had my say.
I'd like you to leave.
Now that you know what
i do for a living,
I'm not good enough
to be in your house.
Would you
just leave ?
Why don't you
make me ?
I would, but
i'm too civilized.
More like sissified,
hey, *** ?
You are out of here !
[ Crash ]
Yay, mom !
Let's hear it for
kate "boom boom" tanner.
You realize what
you did was wrong.
Yeah, i know.
It's true, brian.
In spite of what
you've seen and heard,
Fighting is wrong.
Don't argue with them, or
you'll wind up in the trash.
Kate, when are you free
to mud wrestle raquel ?
In this corner,
Weighing in at
"Mummy-Hamed" ali.
And in this corner
weighing in at,
None of your business,
Gordon "sugar ray" shumway.
[ Imitates a crowd's roar ]
Round 1 --
Ding.
Ow, low blow,
low blow !
He hit you
in the nose.
Anything below my hairline
is a low blow.
Hi.
Guess what ?
Bobby's not picking
on brian anymore.
He's scared of him.
That's what happens
when your parents are
"He-Man" and "she-Ra,"
masters of the neighborhood.
Weren't you in the
middle of a bout ?
I'm going to wrap
this one up, mummy.
Ha, ha, ha.
Take that !
Bet you didn't know
i could do that.
The mummy's not the only
one with a round bottom.
Body block !
Captions performed by
by alien productions.
All rights reserved.