Tip:
Highlight text to annotate it
X
PAPI, I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT OUR CHRISTMAS DINNER TONIGHT.
I'VE BEEN TELLING MATT ALL ABOUT
HOW DO THESE LOOK?
MM. UGH.
(sizzling)
WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE?
POTATO LATKES SWIMMING IN OIL.
APPARENTLY, GRANDPA WANTS ME TO BE A HOUSE BY NEW YEAR'S.
UGH, WHAT'S THAT SMELL, PAPI?
OH! THAT'S EVEN WORSE.
SINCE WHEN DO YOU MAKE POTATO LATKES?
SINCE I'M INVITING SOMEONE TO JOIN US TONIGHT,
AND I THINK SHE'D APPRECIATE IT IF WE CELEBRATED
SOMEONE?
HANUKKAH?
WELL, THERE MAY BE A CERTAIN JEWISH LADY
I'D LIKE TO GET TO KNOW BETTER.
MM, AFTER A LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP,
IT WAS NICE TO MEET SOMEONE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD.
AND SHE'S EXCITED TO BE HAVING DINNER WITH A COUNCILMAN.
I JUST CALLED HIM. HE'S COMING.
YAY!
NOW ARCHIE AND MATT CAN FINALLY GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER,
AND THEN WE CAN DOUBLE-DATE.
NOPE. NOPE, I'M NOT GONNA DO THAT THING THAT I ALWAYS DO,
WHICH IS GET WAY AHEAD OF MYSELF
COULD YOU PROJECT INTO THIS AFTERNOON
AND HAVE HIM BRING DRINKS? TURNS OUT,
COOKING CHRISTMAS AND HANUKKAH DINNER IS QUITE A SCHLEP.
(Ignacio) THAT'S GREAT, MIJO.
COME HOME WHEN YOU CAN. SEE IF YOU CAN GET US A DISCOUNT
AS SWEDEN, YOU GET A LOT OF THAT.
OH, PAPI, DON'T WORRY.
I PROMISE I WILL START HELPING YOU AS SOON AS I GET HOME.
NO BREAKFAST?
NO. ACTUALLY, I'M FEELING KIND OF QUEASY TODAY.
REALLY?
I HOPE WE'RE NOT COMING DOWN WITH SOMETHING.
(Hilda and Justin) OKAY, BYE.
CHIPMUNK!
(laughing)
HEY, HON, YOU KNOW YOU'RE GONNA GET OVER YOUR CRUSH ON ME
HA HA. YOU'RE SO FUNNY. BYE.
BOBBY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
NO! I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE DOING HERE AND I DON'T LIKE IT.
WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN US-- THAT CANNOT HAPPEN AGAIN, OKAY?
I CAME TO GIVE JUSTIN A RIDE TO SCHOOL, OKAY?
HE DOES NOT HAVE A BULKY PROJECT.
OH, THANKS SO MUCH, BOBBY. WHO KNEW THAT
NOBEL PRIZE WINNERS AND WHAT THEY WORE COULD BE SO HEAVY?
HEY, MR. SUAREZ.
HEY, BOBBY. I WAS JUST ABOUT TO PUT UP THE MANGER.
DO YOU LIKE OUR BABY JESUS?
WE'VE HAD HIM SINCE SOMEONE STOLE OUR ORIGINAL 14 YEARS AGO.
I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT, I SWEAR.
CAN WE GO?
(laughs)
THANK YOU.
IT'S OFFICIAL!
JUMPSUITS ARE BACK... AGAIN!
THANK OR CURSE
FORMER "MODE" EVIL QUEEN WILHELMINA SLATER,
WHO STARTED THE TREND AFTER BEING SPOTTED ABOUT TOWN
IN A ONE-SIZE ONESIE.
IN OTHER NEWS, CONNOR OWENS,
FORMER "MODE" FINANCE-***- TURNED-CAGED-CON MAN
IS BEHIND BARS FOR STEALING THE MEADE FORTUNE.
(cash register dings)
OFFICIALS ARE SEARCHING FOR THE MISSING MONIES.
LET'S HOPE ENOUGH OF IT TURNS UP TO BUY WILLIE A BELT.
AFTER ALL, MS. SLATER,
A WAIST IS A TERRIBLE THING TO WASTE.
(laughing) WHAT WAS SHE THINKING?
I'VE SEEN ACTUAL BLUEBERRIES LOOK LESS ROUND.
I THINK IT'S QUITE FLATTERING.
OH, MARC, SHE'S GONE.
MOM, LEAVE HIM ALONE.
HE'S JUST WORKING THROUGH A LITTLE STOCKHOLM SYNDROME.
SHE WAS THE SYMBIONESE LIBERATION ARMY
TO MY PATTY HEARST.
(sighs)
SPEAKING OF ACCESSORIES, THE ASCOT'S REALLY WORKING.
TRUST ME.
MOM, WE REALLY NEED TO MOVE ON A NEW CREATIVE DIRECTOR.
I DON'T LIKE HOW HARTLEY'S DRAGGING HIS HEELS
HE'S CONSIDERING A FEW OTHER IDEAS
THAT ARE A LITTLE MORE... "OUTSIDE THE BOX."
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
MY MOM'S LETTING HER SOULLESS NEW BOYFRIEND CALL THE SHOTS.
LOOK, DANIEL.
IT'S CAL'S MONEY THAT'S KEEPING THIS COMPANY ALIVE.
AND IF YOU'LL RECALL,
OUR MONEY IS GONE BECAUSE OF YOUR FRIEND.
GOD, I HOPE HE ROTS IN JAIL.
THAT TRAITOR DESERVES WHATEVER HE GETS.
(grunts)
(Isaac Hayes' "Theme from 'Shaft'" playing)
(both moaning and grunting)
HOW ON EARTH DID YOU MANAGE TO SWING
DAILY CONJUGAL VISITS?
(chuckles) WELL, HAVING A SENATOR AS A FATHER
CERTAINLY HAS ITS PERKS.
WILLIE, AS FUN AS THIS IS,
WE DIDN'T HAVE YOU TURN ME IN FOR NOTHING.
I KNOW YOU WANT TO BE BACK AT "MODE,"
SO YOU DO YOUR PART, I'LL DO MINE,
WELL, I HOPE IT TAKES LONGER THAN THAT.
THESE PAST THREE WEEKS HAVE BEEN HEAVEN...
ASIDE FROM MY TAILORING BILL.
(chuckles)
I CAN'T AFFORD TO BE CAUGHT SNEAKING OUT AGAIN
IN ONE OF YOUR RIDICULOUS JUMPSUITS.
(sighs) IT'S A MIRACLE I COULD PASS IT OFF AS A TREND.
(chuckles) YOU KNOW, SOME IDIOTS WILL WEAR ANYTHING.
HOW LONG DO WE HAVE TO KEEP HIDING FROM HER?
WELL, UNTIL WE'RE LESS OBVIOUSLY HAPPY.
I KNOW. I LOVE OUR NEW THING--
NO LABELS, NO EXPECTATIONS, JUST LIVING IN THE MOMENT.
OH, BY THE WAY, WILL YOU BRING DRINKS TO DINNER TONIGHT?
SOMETHING FANCY. MY DAD'S TRYING TO IMPRESS A NEW LADY FRIEND.
SOME GUYS NEVER STOP TRYING TOO HARD.
NOT NOW.
BUT NO EXPECTATIONS.
(romantic music playing, fireworks popping)
(airplane propeller whirs)
WHAT ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT?
YOU'RE GLOWING.
NOTHING.
I GUESS YOU MAKE ME GLOW.
MRS. MEADE!
YOU'LL BE LANDING AT
THE SIOUX FALLS REGIONAL AIRPORT AT 2:35.
I'M SORRY I DIDN'T BOOK IT SOONER,
BUT THOSE DOPES AT THE INTERNATIONAL TERMINAL
KEPT TELLING ME I WAS CALLING THE WRONG PLACE.
AMANDA, AM I DOING THE RIGHT THING,
CHASING AFTER MY LOST SON? I MEAN, WHAT IF
HE HAS A TERRIBLE LIFE BECAUSE I GAVE HIM UP?
WHAT IF HE DOESN'T WANT TO KNOW ME? WHAT--WHAT IF HE HATES ME?
MRS. MEADE, YOU'RE PUTTING WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE ON MY HAND.
LOOK, YOU JUST HAVE TO SHOW UP AND SEE HIM.
AND YOU'LL KNOW WHAT TO DO NEXT.
THANK YOU, AMANDA.
WH--
YOU'RE GOING TO SOUTH DAKOTA. YOU HAVE TO BLEND IN.
LESS "MONEY," AND MORE "FOOD STAMP."
COME ON. WE'RE GONNA GIVE YOU A MAKE-UNDER.
(lowered voice) I'VE GOT THE SILVER FOX ON THE MOVE.
(instrumental version of "Hark, the Herald Angels Sing" playing)
OH, THE DECORATIONS ARE SO BEAUTIFUL.
YEAH.
HEY, YOU OKAY?
YEAH. I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M SO EMOTIONAL THESE DAYS.
(woman) HI, WELCOME TO MACY'S BELIEVE STATION.
FOR EVERY LETTER MAILED TO SANTA,
MACY'S WILL DONATE $1-- UP TO $1 MILLION--
THAT IS SO NICE!
THAT'S GREAT. NOW I'M GONNA ASK SANTA
TO MAKE SURE THAT ONE DAY EVERY CHILD IS HAPPY AND HEALTHY.
SURE. AND I ALWAYS ASK FOR WORLD PEACE.
AND WHAT DID YOU ASK SANTA FOR?
YOUR WIFE'S VERY SUPERSTITIOUS.
I'M NOT HIS WIFE.
♪♪♪
WOW! JANUARY JONES FOR OUR MARCH COVER--
THAT'S EXCITING!
UGH! ENOUGH "SAD MEN." ISN'T SHE A LITTLE PLAYED OUT?
I LOVE HER, TOO.
(mouth full) YOU KNOW, MARC, IT'S OKAY.
YOU CAN TOTALLY DISAGREE WITH DANIEL AND HE DOESN'T HIT YOU
(sighs) IT'S CONFUSING.
BY THE WAY, YOUR TIE IS REALLY WIDE.
YEAH, IT'S, UH... IT'S AN ASCOT.
MM.
YOU REALIZE THAT'S, UH, KIND OF MY BAGEL YOU'RE EATING?
I'M SORRY.
I'VE BEEN FEELING SICK ALL MORNING, AND NOW I'M STARVING.
YOU CAN HAVE IT. I'LL GO GET MY OWN.
HELLO.
UH, DANIEL, MARC, I WOULD LIKE YOU TO MEET
DENISE LUDWIG, OUR NEW CREATIVE DIRECTOR.
DENISE, THIS IS DANIEL MEADE, OUR EDITOR-IN-CHIEF.
HEY, IT IS GREAT TO MEET YOU.
(Cal chuckles)
UH, DENISE HERE WAS HEAD OF DEVELOPMENT
FOR WHITE LINE PICTURES.
AND YOU SURE AS HELL COULD USE IT.
I'M HERE TO COMMERCIALIZE YOUR MESSAGE,
JUST LIKE I DID FOR WHITE LINE.
I WAS THE ONE THAT TOOK THEM FROM YAWN-FEST INDIE DARLINGS
TO BACK-TO-BACK BLOCKBUSTER TENT POLES. (whistles)
I GET BACK-TO-BACK TENT POLES JUST THINKING ABOUT IT. (laughs)
ACTUALLY, YOU CAN TRY. I'D LIKE TO SEE THAT.
CAL, WE NEED TO TALK FOR A MINUTE.
SOLID.
OKAY. WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO PULL?
MY MOTHER AND I SUBMITTED
A LIST OF TOP CANDIDATES IN THE BUSINESS.
YOU HIRE SOMEONE NOT EVEN IN THE BUSINESS
WELL, I'LL DISCUSS IT WITH YOUR MOM
WHEN SHE GETS INTO BED TONIGHT.
AND WITH REGARD TO YOUR PROBLEMS WITH DENISE--
MY MONEY, MY CHOICE.
(sighs)
MM.
(sighs)
PLEASE.
YOU SHOULDN'T BE STANDING IN YOUR CONDITION.
OH, UM... (chuckles)
NO, I'M NOT, UH...
(Betty) NO. ACTUALLY, I'M FEELING KIND OF QUEASY TODAY.
I'VE BEEN FEELING SO SICK ALL DAY, AND NOW I'M STARVING.
(Matt) WHAT ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT? YOU'RE GLOWING.
NO LABELS, NO EXPECTATIONS, JUST LIVING IN THE MOMENT.
PREGNANT.
(baby crying)
(toy rattles)
♪♪♪
(woman) CLEANUP ON AISLE 7. CLEANUP ON AISLE 7.
EXCUSE ME.
HI. UM...
CAN YOU TELL ME WHERE THE, UH...
UM, YOU KNOW WHAT? NEVER MIND.
I PROBABLY DON'T NEED IT. IT'S ALL IN MY HEAD.
HOW'D YOU KNOW?
DARLING, I KNOW THAT LOOK. I DIDN'T WORK 25 YEARS
AT THE BARNARD HEALTH SERVICES FOR NOTHING.
JUST MAKE SURE
YOU WAIT THE FULL THREE MINUTES FOR A PLUS OR A MINUS SIGN.
AND THE SALTINES AND THE GINGER ALE?
SODAS AND CRACKERS-- AISLE FOUR AND AISLE FIVE.
THANK YOU.
HI. I NEED A BE-SHURE AND A NON-SEE-THROUGH BAG.
PAY AT THE FRONT.
THANKS. OH, SALTINES AND GINGER ALE?
CRACKERS AND SODAS-- AISLE FIVE AND AISLE FOUR.
AND, HONEY, RELAX.
MAYBE YOU AREN'T.
I DON'T THINK SO. THIS IS THE ONE TEST I NEVER FAIL.
♪♪♪
UNBELIEVABLE.
SO HOW DO YOU WANT TO TAKE DOWN MISS CECIL B. FEMALE?
DIG DIRT? BLACKMAIL?
YOU KNOW WHAT? I DON'T WANT TO PLAY THIS AT ALL.
DENISE ISN'T THE REAL PROBLEM, HARTLEY IS.
AS SOON AS THE FBI FINDS OUT WHERE CONNOR HID THE MONEY,
WE'LL BUY HIM OUT, FIRE DENISE. NO NEED FOR CRAZY SCHEMES.
IT'S LIKE I'M IN A NEW LAND
WHERE THE CUSTOMS ARE SO STRANGE.
SHE'S HERE.
(gasps)
DANIEL.
WILLIE, I--
OKAY.
DANIEL, ADMIT IT. YOU NEED ME.
YOU'LL NEVER GET THAT MONEY FROM CONNOR UNLESS I HELP YOU,
AND I WON'T HELP YOU UNLESS I'M REINSTATED
ACTUALLY, WILLIE, I DON'T NEED YOU.
THE FBI IS LOCATING THE MONEY FOR US.
THE FBI? (chuckles) CUTE. (laughs)
AND YOUR REPLACEMENT STARTED TODAY.
ALL RIGHT, THEN.
YES, MA'AM.
YOU'LL BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT ME.
CLEARLY I'M NO LONGER
THE TRENDSETTING ICON I USED TO BE.
(women giggle)
(woman) I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE NOTICED.
CALL ME IF YOU NEED ME.
(sighs)
MIJA! MY HELP HAS ARRIVED.
I'LL BE RIGHT DOWN IN A MINUTE.
♪ DREIDEL, DREIDEL ♪
(humming "Deck the Halls")
(sighs)
(Ignacio sings indistinctly)
♪ FA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ TIS THE SEASON TO... ♪
(sings indistinctly)
(door squeaks)
(knock on door)
(Hilda) I GOTTA GET IN THERE.
OKAY, HOLD ON JUST ONE SECOND. FINISHING UP.
BETTY, SERIOUSLY. COME ON, ALREADY.
COMING!
OKAY.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
(Ignacio) EXCUSE ME.
I NEED A BANDAGE.
UGH.
OKAY, ONE SECOND.
I'VE BEEN HERE.
WHAT?
WHY ARE YOU TWO STILL UP HERE? I NEED YOUR HELP.
JUST A MINUTE. PAPI, I GOTTA PEE.
YOU WERE JUST IN HERE.
PAPI.
NO, I GOTTA PEE.
I AM OLDER!
THAT HURT!
(Betty) HILDA, COME ON.
SERIOUSLY, HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE YOU TO PEE?
COME ON! SERIOUSLY. I GOTTA GET IN THERE!
OKAY. ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
NOT NOW.
BETTY.
(whispers) OH, SHOOT.
(sighs)
(mouths words)
(knock on door)
(Hilda) BETTY, I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.
IT'S IMPORTANT.
(whispers) OH, MY GOD.
OH, BETTY, SERIOUSLY, I GOTTA TALK TO YOU.
COMING!
COMING.
BETTY?
I'M PREGNANT.
WHAT?
(Ignacio) GIRLS, DOWNSTAIRS RIGHT NOW!
(sniffs) THERE YOU ARE.
CAN YOU GET THE BRISKET OUT OF THE OVEN, PLEASE?
SO...
YOU GOT BURNED?
WHAT? NO. I DIDN'T GET...
OH, UM...
YEAH, I GOT BURNED.
HOW?! WEREN'T YOU BEING CAREFUL?
OF COURSE I WAS BEING CAREFUL. WHY? WEREN'T YOU BEING CAREFUL?
YEAH, WELL, NOT AS CAREFUL AS I SHOULD HAVE BEEN. OW!
BURNED TWICE?
THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DON'T WEAR AN OVEN MITT.
HEY.
HEY.
THIS IS THE CHAIR WILLIE GOT ME
WHEN I TOLD HER THE ONE I HAD WAS COMFORTABLE.
THIS MARK HERE-- I WAS INJECTING HER WITH BOTOX
AND I MISSED AND HIT A VEIN IN HER FOREHEAD.
SHE RIPPED THE NEEDLE OUT OF MY HAND,
THREATENED TO PLUNGE IT INTO MY EYE
AND SAID IF IT WEREN'T FOR MY CLOGGED PORES,
MY TINY BRAIN WOULD HAVE SEEPED OUT LONG AGO.
(exhales deeply)
GOOD RIDDANCE, HUH?
YEAH.
GOOD RIDDANCE.
♪♪♪
(woman) ♪ I'M LOOKING FOR SOMEONE ♪
♪ SORTA, KINDA ♪
♪ EXACTLY LIKE YOU ♪
♪ I'M HOPING THAT SOMEONE ♪
♪ IS FEELING ♪
♪ THE SAME WAY THAT I DO ♪
♪ I'M A LITTLE BIT CAPTURED, ENRAPTURED ♪
♪ CAN'T HELP BUT DREAM ABOUT YOU ♪
COMING UP.
♪ I BEEN LOOKIN' FOR SOMEONE ♪
ALL RIGHT.
♪ ...EXACTLY LIKE YOU ♪
YOU'RE NOT FROM AROUND HERE.
WH-WHAT--WHAT GAVE ME AWAY?
AH. (laughs) YEAH.
WHAT CAN I GET YOU?
MUCH AS I'D LOVE TO SAY SCOTCH ROCKS,
I'LL JUST GO WITH A CRANBERRY AND SODA.
AH, YOU, TOO, HUH?
I USED TO POUND PRETTY HARD IN COLLEGE MYSELF.
YOU WENT TO COLLEGE.
I MEAN, YOU JUST SEEM SO YOUNG.
COMMUNITY COLLEGE.
A COUPLE CLASSES, YOU KNOW.
LEARNED ENOUGH TO REALIZE THAT A FEW MORE SHOTS,
MM.
IT'S GENETIC, I GUESS.
♪ I'M LOOKING FOR SOMEONE ♪
THAT'S WHAT I HEAR.
THAT WOULD BE LOVELY.
SO WHAT DO WE DO NOW?
I DON'T KNOW.
YOU CAN CUBE CHEESE.
(doorbell rings)
OOH. I'LL GET THAT.
OH, MY GOD. THIS IS CRAZY. ARE YOU GONNA TELL ARCHIE?
I DON'T KNOW!
HILDA, WHAT AM I GONNA DO? I CAN'T HAVE A BABY.
I MEAN, I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT IT.
YOU KNOW, MAYBE, SOMEDAY, BUT NOT NOW.
AND MY CAREER, FINALLY...
AND PAPI. WHAT ARE WE GONNA TELL PAPI?
NOTHING TONIGHT. OKAY, WE DON'T TELL ANYBODY ANYTHING TONIGHT.
BUT WHAT IF--
PAPI IS NOT GONNA FIND OUT,
'CAUSE WE'RE NOT GONNA SAY ANYTHING, BETTY,
AND WE ARE THE ONLY ONES WHO KNOW.
HILDA, BETTY, THIS IS JEAN.
HI.
HI.
WHAT BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTERS YOU HAVE.
I'M SURPRISED I'VE NEVER SEEN EITHER OF THEM
IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD BEFORE.
ARE YOU WELL?
YES, THANK YOU FOR ASKING.
ARE YOU POSITIVE?
OKAY.
I'LL TAKE IT.
I'LL GET THAT.
HEY. WE BOTH BROUGHT ***.
(chuckles)
(chuckles)
OKAY.
(knock on door)
(man) PHONE CALL FROM "MODE" MAGAZINE.
THAT'S DANIEL.
NO, GO. GO.
YOU HAVE TO MAKE HIM BELIEVE I'M THE ONLY ROUTE TO THAT MONEY.
CONVINCE HIM YOU STILL LOVE ME,
JUST LIKE YOU CONVINCED ME TWO MINUTES AGO.
MM.
MM.
GO.
YES.
DANIEL, HOW SWEET OF YOU TO CALL.
I DON'T BELIEVE IT'S GONE, YOU LYING, SON OF A--
THAT MONEY IS MINE.
YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT MINE AND YOURS?
LET'S TALK ABOUT MOLLY.
SHE WAS MINE UNTIL YOU STOLE HER FROM ME.
AND IN A WAY, YOU STOLE WILLIE FROM ME, TOO.
WILLIE? CONNOR, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
I LOVED HER. I WANTED TO GIVE HER EVERYTHING.
She chose you and your company over me.
YOU'RE NEVER GETTING THAT MONEY BACK, DANIEL.
YOU'VE GOT ENOUGH FROM ME ALREADY.
(line disconnects, dial tone drones)
YOU MARC ST. JAMES?
OH. UH, THERE MUST BE A MISTAKE.
THIS IS SUPPOSED TO GO TO MS. SLATER'S.
SHE SAID SHE WANTED YOU TO HAVE IT.
ANYWAY... (chuckles) MY NIECE MADE IT,
AND I THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE NICE TO LIGHT ALONGSIDE THE TREE.
ABSOLUTELY. THAT IS EXACTLY THE SPIRIT
IN WHICH I WHIPPED UP THESE MULTICULTURAL HOLIDAY COCKTAILS.
(Jean) AH!
I PRESENT TO YOU MULLED KOSHER WINE.
(Hilda) SALUD.
UGH.
YEAH, THAT STUFF IS GROSS.
SURE.
OH, YEAH, WE GOT IT. COME ON.
I DON'T LIKE BEER.
I DON'T CARE. PASSING ON A DRINK IS A ROOKIE MISTAKE.
IT'S THE FIRST THING THAT MAKES EVERYONE THINK YOU'RE PREGNANT.
WELL, I'M SORRY. I'VE--I'VE NEVER HIDDEN A PREGNANCY BEFORE.
WELL, YOU NEED TO GET GOOD AT IT, AND FAST.
IF SOMEBODY OFFERS YOU A DRINK, YOU TAKE IT,
OH, RIGHT. DUH. I DON'T KNOW WHY I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.
OKAY, HERE WE ARE. CERVEZA?
HERE YOU GO. YUM, BEER.
SURE, I DO.
(chokes)
OH, GOD. HERE. LET ME HELP YOU WITH THAT.
(coughs)
I TOLD YOU TO ACT LIKE YOU WANTED A DRINK,
HILDA, I'M SORRY. I'M NERVOUS.
PAPI'S DATE IS THE WOMAN I BOUGHT MY PREGNANCY TEST FROM.
WAIT. SHE'S WHO I BOUGHT MY PREGNANCY TEST FROM TODAY.
WHAT? YOU TOOK YOUR TEST TODAY, UPSTAIRS?
WELL, WHEN YOU KNOCKED, I HAD TO STOP.
I DROPPED MY TEST.
I PICKED MINE UP OFF THE FLOOR.
I DON'T KNOW. I THREW MINE IN THE GARBAGE.
I THREW MINE IN THE GARBAGE!
OH, HERE THEY COME.
UM, I'M COLD.
OH, YEAH, GRABBING A SWEATER.
THANKS.
SEEMS LIKE A STRANGE JOB FOR YOU TO TAKE.
TEMPTATION ALL AROUND.
WELL, IF THEY'RE PAYING, I'M WORKING.
YOU KNOW, HERE, THE POST OFFICE, WHEREVER.
UH, MY MOM HAD TO QUIT HER JOB A COUPLE YEARS AGO, SO...
I'M SORRY. IS SHE ALL RIGHT?
YEAH. SHE'S A FIGHTER.
(chuckles) I'M SORRY.
UM, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE HERE ON VACATION,
NOT LISTENING TO MY TROUBLES.
SO WHAT HAVE YOU SEEN SO FAR?
NOTHING. I JUST GOT HERE.
WELL, WE GOT MORE THAN MOUNT RUSHMORE.
WE GOT THE BADLANDS, CRAZY HORSE MEMORIAL
AND A WHOLE BUNCH OF *** LABS.
(laughs)
UH, NO, NOT--NOT--NOT THE *** LABS.
(laughs) THAT WAS A JOKE.
(laughs) SO, UM, IF YOU WANT,
I CAN TELL YOU SOME COOL PLACES TO CHECK OUT.
I WOULD LIKE THAT VERY MUCH.
♪♪♪
OH.
HERE YOU GO.
THANK YOU.
YOU'RE VERY KIND.
UGH!
(groans)
AAH! OH, THANK GOD.
AND POSITIVE.
OH, GOD. I HOPE IT'S NOT ME.
NO, I JUST MEAN THAT IT'S GONNA BE SO MUCH EASIER
FOR YOU TO TELL ARCHIE THAN FOR ME TO TELL MATT.
NOT... REALLY.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
UM...
HILDA, WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.
IT'S NOT ARCHIE'S?
WHOSE WOULD IT BE?
OH, SORRY. SORRY. IT WASN'T...
OH, MY GOD. ARE YOU PREGNANT?
PREGNANT? LIKE PREGNANT PREGNANT?
I DON'T KNOW.
I'M NOT SURE.
I'M GONNA LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE.
I MIGHT NOT BE.
(chuckles) SEE, UH, HILDA TOOK A TEST AND I TOOK A TEST,
AND IT GOT MIXED UP, AND WE DON'T KNOW WHOSE IS WHOSE.
BUT ONE OF US ISN'T PREGNANT. ONE OF US IS.
WHOA.
I DIDN'T MEAN FOR THIS TO HAPPEN. THINGS WERE SO GOOD--
ARE SO GOOD--BETWEEN US, AND THIS IS NOT ANYTHING
THAT EITHER ONE OF US SHOULD BE THINKING ABOUT.
I HOPE IT'S US.
I KIND OF WANT IT TO BE US.
I KNOW. I KNOW IT... ISN'T SOMETHING THAT WE PLANNED,
AND IT'S PROBABLY-- OKAY, OKAY, DEFINITELY--
IT DEFINITELY IS NOT THE EXACT RIGHT TIME,
BUT A BABY, WITH YOU...
HOW COULD THAT BE BAD?
BECAUSE. (chuckles) JUST, UH, BECAUSE.
BETTY, LISTEN. LOOK, I'M THE GUY
WHO CAN NEVER PICK THE RIGHT THING FOR MY LIFE.
WELL, MAYBE THE RIGHT THING FINALLY PICKED ME.
LOOK, BETTY. BETTY, WHATEVER PROBLEMS WE HAVE,
NO, MATT. I DON'T WANT TO WORK IT OUT.
I DON'T WANT TO HAVE A BABY RIGHT NOW.
I MEAN, I CAN'T HAVE A BABY AT ALL.
OKAY. OKAY. WELL, MAYBE YOU'RE NOT.
HOW? HILDA AND I HAVE STALLED DINNER A HUNDRED TIMES.
DON'T WORRY. I'LL BE SUBTLE.
FINALLY. COME. SIT.
I'LL GET MORE.
UH, HILDA, I THINK THAT'S MINE.
YEAH, I'M SITTING RIGHT THERE. WHO ELSE'S WOULD IT BE?
HEY, ANYBODY WANT A BABY? (laughs)
I GOT THIS FOR YOU. IT'S NOT BECAUSE I STOLE THE LAST ONE.
OKAY, I STOLE THE LAST ONE.
ALL RIGHT. THAT WAS VERY THOUGHTFUL.
HEY, BOBBY. HOW ARE YOU?
GOOD.
BOBBY?
IT'S BOBBY!
BOBBY IN THE HOUSE! HEY!
YAY! HAPPY CHRISTMAS!
CHIPMUNK--SHE'S STILL GOT A CRUSH ON ME.
IT'S SO CUTE. IT'S OKAY.
OH, DAMN IT, MARC. I JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE WITH THE FBI.
THEY REALLY THINK THE MONEY IS GONE,
BUT CONNOR ADMITTED HE KNOWS WHERE IT IS.
HE JUST WON'T TELL ME WHERE.
WE'RE EXPERIMENTING. IT'S A PROCESS. HERE.
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?
I DON'T KNOW.
I MEAN, IF I DON'T FIGURE THIS OUT,
I'M GONNA LOSE MY OWN MAGAZINE TO MY MOTHER,
HER STUPID BOYFRIEND AND MALIBU BARBIE.
TECHNICALLY, THE BRUNETTE WAS SKIPPER.
OKAY, MARC.
DANIEL, I THINK THAT IT'S TIME
TO CALL WILLIE.
NO. NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT.
BESIDES, SHE BROKE CONNOR'S HEART.
THERE'S NO WAY HE'S GONNA GIVE HER THE MONEY.
I'M NOT SO SURE.
YOU SEE,
ONCE YOU'VE KNOWN WILLIE,
NO MATTER HOW TERRIBLE SHE WAS TO YOU,
YOU NEVER REALLY GET OVER HER.
SHE WILL MAKE YOU DO THINGS YOU SWORE YOU'D NEVER DO.
I'VE DONE IT.
CONNOR WILL DO IT.
(scoffs)
AND YOU'LL DO IT, TOO.
AND I'LL TELL YOU WHY.
BECAUSE SHE'S WILLIE,
AND WE'RE JUST MEN.
WOW! IT'S LIKE YOU NEVER SAW A WING BEFORE.
(chuckles) WELL...
LOOK, IT WAS NICE MEETING YOU,
BUT I'M GETTING OUT OF HERE. MY SHIFT IS UP, SO...
I SHOULD BE GOING, TOO. UM...
TAKE CARE AND, UM, GIVE MY BEST TO YOUR MOTHER.
SURE.
SHE'S LUCKY TO HAVE YOU.
OKAY.
♪♪♪
(sighs)
♪♪♪
READY?
(Jean) BEAUTIFUL!
OKAY, LET'S ALL GO INSIDE AND WARM UP.
COME ON.
BOBBY? YOU WANT TO JOIN US?
OH, NO. I THINK HE'S GOT OTHER THINGS HE'S GOTTA DO, RIGHT?
NO, NOT REALLY. YEAH.
(pats Bobby's shoulder)
(Jean) OH, THANK YOU. OH!
WHEW!
UM, I THINK YOU'RE IN MY SPOT.
(door opens)
HEY. I THOUGHT YOU WERE BRINGING BEER.
THEY WERE OUT.
WELL, YOU KNOW HOW IT IS WITH THE HOLIDAYS AND ALCOHOLICS.
(laughs) THAT'S TRUE.
(Ignacio) ALL THAT MATTERS IS, WE CAN FINALLY SIT DOWN
TO A NICE MEAL. JEAN, PLEASE LIGHT THE MENORAH.
OH, NO, PAPI.
(Jean) I'M GONNA SAY THE PRAYER IN ENGLISH.
LET GO, ALREADY!
DEAR GOD.
EXCUSE ME.
IT WASN'T ME. I SWEAR.
(sighs)
OH, THANK GOD!
OH. (exhales deeply)
YEAH.
I MEAN, I'D BE LYING IF I DIDN'T SAY I WAS A LITTLE DISAPPOINTED.
BUT IT'S ALL FOR THE BEST. I WAS GETTING AHEAD OF MYSELF.
NOT AT ALL. OH, MY GOD. I HAVE TO TELL HILDA.
YEAH, BUT IT'S NOT THAT BAD.
(knock on door)
BETTY? WHAT'S GOING ON?
WHATEVER IT IS, I SUPPORT YOU.
LOOK, I'M NOT MAD.
ALL CLEAR.
OH, THANK YOU, GOD. I WAS GONNA KILL MYSELF.
SORRY, MIJA.
IT'S FINE, PAPI. I'M RELIEVED, TOO.
ME, TOO.
SHE SAID IT FIRST.
LOOK, LET'S JUST ALL GO DOWNSTAIRS
OH, UM...
(Betty) PAPI, CAN YOU JUST WAIT BEFORE YOU--
WHEW! FALSE ALARM!
(Bobby) HEY! ALL RIGHT!
(Ignacio chuckles)
WHEW! (chuckles)
BACK SOON. SWEATER.
BUT YOU'RE ALREADY WEARING A S-SWEATER.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. COME ON.
LET'S ALL GO IN AND START THIS DINNER. PLEASE.
OKAY. GOOD. I'M STARVING.
THANK YOU.
(laughs) I'VE BEEN THERE, PAL.
MM.
WELL, YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHAT I'M GETTING YOU FOR KWANZAA.
UGH. HOLD ON. CALL WAITING.
YELLO?
(Claire) Amanda, I did it.
I SAW HIM. I TALKED TO HIM.
AND NOW I'M DONE.
No.
AND HE'S NEVER GOING TO.
♪♪♪
HOLY SMOKE!
THAT LADY JUST LEFT ME, LIKE, 2 GRAND.
SOMEONE THINKS YOU'RE CUTE.
♪♪♪
HERE WE GO.
JEAN, I'M SO SORRY ABOUT YOUR MENORAH.
OH, IT'S FINE. BETWEEN THE LONG ISLAND NIECES
AND THE BROOKLYN NEPHEWS, I HAVE HANDMADE MENORAHS
COMING OUT OF MY TUCHUS. (laughs)
AH, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE TO LIGHT IT, THOUGH.
WELL, WE COULD IMPROVISE WITH VOTIVE CANDLES.
NO OFFENSE TO THE BLESSED SAINTS,
(laughs)
I'LL GO LOOK.
(knocks on door)
HERE GOES NOTHING.
DANIEL, MARC.
WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG?
HILDA.
(crying) YOU KNOW, I NEVER GOT INTO ALL THE SAINT STUFF, BETTY.
WELL, IT--IT NEVER MADE SENSE TO ME.
THEY ALL LOOKED SO HAPPY SUFFERING.
BUT...
NOW I GET IT.
WHAT I DID WITH BOBBY...
WHAT I DID TO ARCHIE...
I'M A BAD PERSON.
I-I WANT TO SUFFER. I DESERVE IT.
I-I WISH THAT SOMEONE WOULD PEEL MY SKIN OFF
OR DRAG ME BEHIND A BUNCH OF HORSES
OR MAKE ME SWALLOW COALS, YOU KNOW?
ARE YOU ABSOLUTELY SURE THAT IT'S NOT--
YEAH, HE'S BEEN REALLY BUSY WITH THE CAMPAIGN.
(whispers) OH.
THESE AREN'T ABOUT THE BABY, BY THE WAY.
I'VE BEEN LIGHTING THEM ALL WEEK.
I JUST--I NEEDED SOME SIGN, YOU KNOW,
ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT
I SHOULD BREAK UP WITH SUCH A GOOD GUY.
WELL, I GOT MY SIGN.
I DON'T BELONG WITH ARCHIE.
I JUST...
I DON'T KNOW IF I'M GONNA HAVE THE GUTS TO TELL HIM.
HILDA.
MAYBE YOU DIDN'T MAKE THE BEST CHOICE...
(scoffs)
BUT YOU ARE A REALLY GOOD PERSON.
AND YOU DON'T DESERVE TO SUFFER.
THANKS.
BUT YOU KNOW YOU STILL HAVE TO TELL ARCHIE
THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO BE WITH HIM, RIGHT?
REALLY? COULDN'T YOU JUST PEEL MY SKIN OFF?
(knock on door)
CAN I COME IN?
I'M GONNA LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE.
HI.
WHAT'S WITH ALL THE CANDLES?
IT'S NOTHING.
IT'S NOT NOTHING, HILDA.
YOUR FATHER INVITED ME HERE TONIGHT, NOT YOU.
AND EVERY TIME I GET NEAR YOU, YOU MAKE SOME EXCUSE
TO RUN OFF INTO THE KITCHEN OR RUSH UPSTAIRS, AND, UM,
TODAY WHEN THAT WOMAN THOUGHT YOU WERE MY WIFE?
YOU LOOKED LIKE YOU'D SEEN A GHOST.
I'M SORRY. I--
NO, IT'S--IT'S OKAY.
I LOVE YOU, HILDA.
AND I KNOW YOU CARE FOR ME,
BUT THERE'S SOMEONE OUT THERE
WHO'S GONNA BE THRILLED TO BE MISTAKEN FOR MY WIFE.
AND, UM,
I DESERVE TO FIND THAT PERSON.
AND YOU DESERVE TO FIND THAT PERSON, TOO.
I HOPED IT COULD BE ME,
BUT... SINCE IT ISN'T,
IT'S... TIME
FOR ME TO SAY GOOD-BYE.
HAPPY NEW YEAR.
MM.
(sighs)
SO PROVIDED I CAN GET CONNOR TO GIVE ME THE MONEY...
WE BUY OUT HARTLEY AND REINSTATE YOU AT "MODE"
WITH 50% OWNERSHIP.
WITH EQUAL VETO POWER.
YES.
YES.
MAY I NOW KISS THE BRIDE?
EH, NOT SO FAST.
CAN YOU REALLY DO THIS WITHOUT CONSULTING YOUR MOTHER FIRST?
PLEASE. FOCUS ON GETTING THAT MONEY BACK.
OH, I WILL, AND I DON'T CARE IF I HAVE TO GO
TO THAT FILTHY PRISON EVERY DAY TO DO IT.
(sighs)
HEY. DON'T WORRY, ALL RIGHT?
I'M NOT GONNA COME AROUND ANYMORE.
I KNOW THAT IT MAKES YOU NERVOUS. I DON'T LIKE THAT.
WELL, MAYBE A LITTLE.
(chuckles)
BOBBY...
WHAT?
UH...
IT'S OKAY IF YOU WANT TO DRIVE JUSTIN HOME
NOW AND THEN FROM SCHOOL,
YOU KNOW, SINCE IT'S SO COLD OUT.
GOOD.
AND I LIKE HAVING DINNER HERE.
HOLIDAYS WITH MY FAMILY, THEY'RE ALWAYS SO FULL OF DRAMA.
YEAH.
YEAH.
THAT WAS A LOVELY DINNER. YOU HAVE SUCH A NICE FAMILY.
(chuckles) THANK YOU.
WE SHOULD DO THIS AGAIN.
MAYBE EASTER/PASSOVER.
I'D LIKE THAT.
JUST DON'T TELL MY MOTHER.
SHE'D KILL ME IF SHE KNEW
I WAS DATING SOMEONE WHO WASN'T JEWISH. (laughs)
(laughs)
(man) ♪ LET YOUR HEART BE LIGHT ♪
♪ FROM NOW ON... ♪
I'M... I'M SORRY
I FREAKED OUT BEFORE.
(sighs)
EVERYTHING YOU SAID WAS SO SWEET.
I WASN'T REALLY IN A PLACE TO HEAR IT, BUT...
I'M REALLY GLAD YOU SAID IT.
I MEANT IT.
I KNOW. I KNOW IT'S NOT THE RIGHT TIME,
BUT WHEN WE WERE WAITING FOR THE THING,
IT WAS LIKE I COULD SEE OUR WHOLE FUTURE
FALLING INTO PLACE ALL AROUND US.
(laughs) THAT'S CRAZY, RIGHT?
NO, THAT'S NOT CRAZY.
SOMETIMES I IMAGINE THAT, TOO.
WHAT DO YOU SEE?
♪ WE ALL WILL BE TOGETHER ♪
HMM.
AND I'D MUCH RATHER FOCUS ON WHAT I'M SEEING RIGHT NOW.
THAT SOUNDS GOOD, TOO.
MERRY CHRISTMAS/HANUKKAH.
MERRY CHRISTMAS/HANUKKAH.
♪ ...BOUGH ♪
♪ AND HAVE YOURSELF ♪
♪ A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS ♪
♪ NOW ♪