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One cop with a special gift,
the ability to get inside the mind of the criminal.
Meet the Mind Cop.
Lights.
This is it, sir. What you've been looking at on the news, top story.
One of Hollywood's greatest actors receives an award, he comes up
to make a speech and is accidentally killed by a falling light.
And then ***.
No, no sir. No. There was no ***. No, he just came up to accept
the award and a light fell. An accident.
That's what happened?
That's what happened, sir.
That's not what happened.
Then what happened, sir?
The light was rigged by a jealous actor
whose career was so *** he had to sweep stages to make ends meet.
Sir, this accident was broadcast to over 50 million people.
Shut up! I'm trying to get inside the killer's mind, you ***.
Help me walk this through.
I'm the killer, you're the victim.
Now get over there and make your speech.
What?
Accept your award. That's an order!
I'd like to thank my wife.
I'd like to thank my kids.
Oh, man! I'm so high, man.
My *** is so hard and my career is so ***, man.
I got *** to lose. Look at this *** getting my award, man.
It should be me up there on that stage. I'm going to kill that
***, then I'm going to *** him, in his ***.
Sir, this did not happen.
Shut your mouth, you Shakespearean ***.
Then what happened?
Huh?
No, oh, God, no. You didn't!
You *** him, didn't you?
You dirty, actor-*** ***.
Oh, that's it! I'd like to thank Whoopi Goldberg.
I'd like to thank Jamie Fox, Eddie Murphy.
New from Wintendoh, the Piii, a totally new generation of home gaming
with great games including Binge Drinker.
Drink the *** or else you lose, only on the Piii.
Free with tomorrow's Daily Mail, films that didn't need to be made.
It's the world's most pointless prequels,
featuring the hugely underwhelming, 'Fifth Sense'.
I smell dead people.
The rather mundane 'Thursday the 12th'.
Go!
Let's go skinny dipping, Josh.
But something might happen.
Don't worry, the anniversary of the slaughter is tomorrow.
OK.
Be bored witless by 'The Day Before The Day After Tomorrow'.
Lovely weather we're having.
Isn't it? Supposed to be cold tomorrow.
Really?
Don't miss the DVD non-event of the year, the world's most pointless
prequels, in all good stores now.
Continuing our series of meetings with celebrity siblings,
we come here to Croydon.
Tristram Bale works as a call centre salesman.
OK, you like that, you like what I'm selling you there? OK?
Yeah, that's good. Then we got ourselves a deal, OK?
We got ourselves a deal.
He's been with the company for three years
and is one of their top cold callers.
Whoo! Yeah!
He's the brother of one of the world's leading actors,
Christian Bale.
Whoo! We got a sale.
Let me tell you something, this is what I do. I sell.
I could sell ice to the Eskimos or cheese to the...
to the French.
OK, that's great news, that's great news. I like to hear that.
OK, I'll speak to you...
Hello, Marjory? Marjory?
My phone is dead, my phone is dead, my phone...
Is that my *** phone wire?
Oh, sorry, I thought it was Carol's.
No!
No! Do not just be sorry!
Think for one *** second!
Tristram, it was an accident.
Are you professional?
Yes, I am.
Are you professional?
You're a nice guy, OK? You're a nice guy, but do I walk around and pull
out your *** phone wire? No!
I'm sorry.
No!
*** you. You come in here, ah da da da da.
What the *** is wrong with you?
No, him being my brother doesn't affect me at all.
There'll be more Celebrity Siblings next week.
Over on Film4 now, it's 'Free Willy 5: Willy Goes To Japan'.
Got time on your hands since your retirement?
Want to feel useful again?
Don't want to be a burden when you pass away?
Then why not subscribe to Coffin magazine?
Just collect all 75 issues and you'll have all the parts
and know-how to build your own cut-price coffin.
Buy Coffin magazine, you'll be dead pleased you did.
First issue just £2.99. Further issues retail at £25.
In shops now.
# Girl, you can see it in my eyes
# The credit crunch has hit me bad I'm recessionized
# But that don't matter
# I swear my love is true I'm fiscally responsible
# For no-one else but you
# All I want to do is make love And make you moan
# Whilst trying to arrange An extension on my loan
# I'm recessionized
# I've been recessionized, yeah
# It's two-for-one night Down at Bella Pasta
# My coupon will expire If we don't get there faster
# Let's skip the appetisers And skip the dessert too
# I think that one portion Will be enough for two
# Let's go back to my mum's house And watch a DVD
# It came with the Mail on Sunday Absolutely free, yeah. #
With strength, with honour, with respect, with loving the hard work,
putting in the elbow grease, making the impossible become possible,
expanding your horizons, travelling the world, getting the job done.
Oi-oi, get your *** out.
Get your *** out. Show us your Basra.
The British Army. Let's be honest, it's still full of lads, you know?
Now it's Michael Rockerfeller.
He's the personal shopper who just loves London.
Excuse me, I'd like to buy this tie.
Are you from London?
Not exactly...
Oh, my God, I love London. Do you know Heather Mills, Paul McCartney?
I can't say I've...
I was her personal shopper. We were totally inseparable for two hours.
We went for mojitos. She told me this heavy ***
about marriage to Lennon. He was an ***.
No, I think you mean...
She is so misunderstood. Do you know how mean people are about her?
They said she put him in a wheelchair.
Do you know what else she told me? When the Beatles were making
Dr Pepper, he gave her, like, no money, like, zero.
And do you know what she had to do?
She had to do a ***. And Paul McCartney got so mad,
do you know what he did? He cuts her leg off.
And now she has to advertise land mines to put her kids through Yale.
Look what I made her.
I put in a little door for the cell phone,
a pouch for her divorce settlement and a gram of coke as a pick-me-up.
Oh, Heather, come back to me.
I can help you beat the pain.
I love London.
I'm still young, look at my face.
I'm much better than Cheryl.
What do you mean, you can't see my face moving? What?
Botox, the scent of Dannii Minogue.
Shocking news in showbiz tonight,
as one of our foremost entertainers is exposed as a neo-Nazi.
Amateur footage was released on the internet of Victor Meldrew actor,
Richard Wilson reading a paper in his local pub.
I don't believe it.
On Film4, we continue our series of British comic book films
made by American film studios.
I'm heading out to the shops, George,
will this be all right?
Lynn, what are you thinking?
You don't need to wear a hat to go to the shops.
George and Lynne, a married couple like no other,
living in a time that never was. See action...
Lynne, the neighbours are coming round.
Quick, take your clothes off.
..Adventure...
Lynn, I'm off to play golf. Bye.
Wait, I've packed lunch.
That's not what I meant when I said I had to bring my own tee.
..And see some ***.
George and Lynne the movie, soon.
Do you find yourself lacking in confidence?
Unable to be your entertaining self in a group situation?
Paralysed by a fear people won't find you interesting?
Then why not take ***?
I tell you what, I'm brilliant. No, listen! I'm brilliant!
Get your friends to take it too.
Improve confidence with the opposite sex.
All right? My name's Raymond Pies, what's your name? I'm like a shark.
Mask all your social ineptitudes in one handy wrap of powder. �