Tip:
Highlight text to annotate it
X
(gavel raps)
>> Next case, Mr. Dennis
Reynolds.
>> DENNIS: That's me.
Yup, right here. How are ya?
>> From October 28, 2008, to
November 1, 2008, you were
issued a series of parking
citations totaling $1,300.
Who are these people?
>> Oh, uh, these people are here
to corroborate my story.
>> It's a parking violation.
>> Oh, well, I think you'll find
it goes much, much deeper than
that.
>> CHARLIE: Yes, lady madam of
the court, I do believe that
this court will realize that we
were all victims of a terrible
ordeal that caused each and
every one of us great physical
and emotional trauma.
>> And what is this ordeal?
>> The Philadelphia Phillies
winning the World Series,
Your Honor.
Captioning sponsored by
SUNNY TELEVISION PRODUCTIONS
>> Okay, Mr. Reynolds, on what
grounds are you contesting
these tickets?
>> Well...
>> SWEET DEE: What grounds?
Where do we even begin?
>> FRANK: On many grounds.
Your Honor, many, many grounds.
>> MAC: And let the record show
that we are waiving our right to
an attorney.
>> Just explain to me why you
feel you should not have been
issued these tickets.
>> Okay, um, yeah, well, I think
in order to do that, we should
probably start at the top of the
story.
I know what the story is.
>> All right.
> It was game five of the World
Series, and we actually had
tickets.
And needless to say, I mean, we
were pumped!
>> World Series, baby, oh, yeah!
>> Hey-o! What's up, fellas?
>> What's going on, man?
Not wearing any colors?
Not supporting the team, dude?
>> Wearing colors?
Why the hell would I be wearing
colors...? Oh, my God!
Today's the World Series.
I totally forgot!
Oh, wait a second. What's this?
Boom! I haven't forgot a thang!
Guys, this is one of the few
times where it is acceptable to
be shirtless in a public forum.
So I'm blasting bare chest the
whole time.
What do you think?
>> I think you're gonna be cold
as ***.
>> I'm not gonna be cold at all
because I'm gonna be wasted on
grain alcohol.
>> Grain alcohol, baby.
Whenever there's a potential
riot, I'm getting blasted on
grain alcohol.
>> Riot juice!
>> Rum punch!
>> Put some of that on my bug
bites.
>> We're not gonna be wasting
our fine grain alcohol on your
*** bug bites, idiots.
>> Yeah, we need it for
pre-gaming.
I am not watching this game
sober.
>> No. What, you want to
remember it?
>> Charlie...
>> Back to back.
>> Back to back? Okay.
>> All right, what's going on
with you guys?
>> We got bedbugs, dude.
>> Oh, man, the place is
infested with them.
Some guy brought 'em back from
Haiti.
We're crawling with bedbugs.
>> World Series, ***!
What is up?!
>> ALL: ♪ Whoomp, there it is!
Whoomp, there it is! ♪
>> The plan's still on, right?
>> Oh, ***, yeah, baby girl,
plan is on!
>> Wait! Time-out!
There's a plan?
>> Oh, there's always a plan,
buddy.
>> Well, tell me about this.
What's the plan?
>> Okay, in the bottom of the
ninth when the Phillies are up
by, like, 50 or 60 runs, Dennis
and I are gonna start beating
the *** out of each other.
>> Right, which will attract the
attention of security.
>> Yeah, and that's when I run
on the field and kiss a player.
Oh!
>> ALL: ♪ Whoomph, there it is!
Whomph, there it is! ♪
>> ♪ And I'm gonna toss out
Green Man
And run around the field
And go crazy as Green Man... ♪
>> No-no-no-no, don't, don't
toss out Green Man because in
this particular case, the
Phillie Phanatic really reigns
supreme, okay?
We're talking about the
Phillies here.
Leave that for other ***.
>> Are you kidding me?
>> Dude, people love that guy.
>> They love him.
>> I don't love him!
I'm sick of him!
He's got a stranglehold on the
Phillie mascot scene, it's not
fair.
I got a pretty good thing going
with Green Man.
I don't see why there can only
be one mascot.
>> Nah, I feel like there's only
room for one green idiot
running around making an ***
of himself.
>> Uh-oh! I can't find the
tickets.
>> What are you talking about?
>> I don't have the tickets in
my pocket.
>> What, dude?!
>> I know exactly where I left
them.
I left them on the coffee table
in the apartment.
>> Well, dude, we don't have
time to go back to the
apartment.
We're not gonna get a good spot
for the tailgate.
>> We gotta get back
and get them.
We gotta go back and get them.
>> Wait, wait, wait!
Dennis, Charlie, why don't you
go to the parking lot, get us a
good spot?
We'll go get the tickets.
>> All right, let's move, man.
>> I forgot the tickets.
I don't know.
All I'm doing is, like, just
making the sandwiches.
By the way...
>> Shut up!
>> Okay, I think it's important
to figure out which player I
want to kiss when I thrust
myself out on that field.
I'm going Shane Victorino right
now.
>> BOTH: The Flying Hawaiian.
>> Strong choice, but
centerfield, way too far.
You'll get you jacked up before
you get anywhere close.
>> Oh! Oh! Balls! Oh, no,
they're fumigating the building
for bedbugs!
>> How did you not know that
were bug-bombing your apartment,
bro?
>> I can't read every flyer that
gets slipped under the door!
>> Jesus Christ...
>> Well, now what are we gonna
do?
>> I don't know. We gotta go...
>> Go get the tickets!
Hurry up, hurry up!
>> I'm not going in there!
That's full of toxic smoke.
We'll go buy gas masks.
>> We don't have time for gas
masks! Frank, come on.
It's not that poisonous.
Just go really fast.
>> Go, go, go!
>>Go really fast.
>> All right.
>> Jesus Christ.
(all coughing)
>> Oh, God!
>> My eyes are burning!
>> Now what?
>> All right, fine, I'll have to
scale the building, cut a hole
in the tent, smash through the
window.
That'll cut down on occupancy
time.
>> You are not capable of doing
that.
>> I absolutely have the
upper-body strength to
accomplish that.
>> Are you kidding me?!
>> *** it, Dee! *** it!
>> Will you shut up?!
Calling the boys to tell them
we're gonna be late.
>> They're doing that right now?
All right, keep me posted.
>> What's up, man?
>> ***. Bro, they are
bug-bombing your building right
now.
They got the whole thing tented.
>> Oh, my God!
>> Those guys can't get in there
to get the tickets.
>> No, there's no way they're
gonna.
I mean, that's poisonous gas,
dude.
You can't breath that.
>> Screw 'em, right?
>> What are you suggesting,
maybe we sneak into the game?
>> I want to get into that game.
I don't even want to tailgate
anymore, bro.
>> You're right, we gotta sneak
in.
All right, we're gonna sneak.
>> How are we gonna sneak in,
though, bro?
The security's gonna be crazy.
>> There's a couple ways you can
do it.
There's a couple ways you can do
it.
One, we can take the secret
tunnel that goes from the
Ollidy Inn into the stadium...
>> Stop. Stop, stop, stop.
There's no secret tunnel going
from the stadium to the Ollidy
Inn.
What the hell are you talking
about?
>> This is common knowledge,
bro, there is.
They built a secret tunnel so
that the visiting players can
get safely back to the hotel
without the Phillies fans
hammering 'em.
>> We're passionate fans, you
know what I mean?
>> Passionate fans; we gotta
hammer someone.
>> So they got a tunnel for
that, really?
Wow. Don't you think there's
gonna be security there, too?
>> There might.
All right, you know what?
I got it. We're gonna do a
Charlie one-two, all right?
You're gonna do this, okay?
>> Uh, okay.
>>< One, you jump in front of a
car coming to the stadium.
Two, you say, "I'm gonna sue you
if you don't give me tickets."
>> No! No, that is a terrible
plan.
>> How is that terrible?
>> Because it involves me
getting hit by a car.
>> You'll be fine, bro.
You're drinking riot punch, man.
You bounce right off that thing
>> All right, well, it's called
the "Charlie one-two," you do
it.
>> Well, no, I've done too
many, man.
I mean, the next one could be my
last, bro.
>> I don't want to get hit by a
moving car.
>> You'll be fine!
>> This is the World Series,
man.
>> I don't want to do it
anymore, dude. I could die.
>> You do it.
>> All right, *** it, I'm
gonna do it. Let's do it!
>> One last time. One last time.
>> Too ***, right?
Crappy car.
>> Yeah, no, you don't want to
jump out in front of a ***
car.
>> We need rich-people tickets,
right?
>> Rich seats.
Oh, ooh, this guy. Right here,
right here, right here.
>> This is good.
>> Oh, this is going to be a
good one, dude.
Oh, he's going to have such good
seats.
Go, go, go, go, go.
What are you doing, man?
Bro, that guy was going to have
great seats.
>> Yeah, I felt like I didn't
have a good angle.
>> What do you mean?
You just jump right out in front
of it.
>> This guy will have good
seats.
This guy will have good seats.
>> Don't get cold feet on
me.
Jump out in front of this guy.
(brakes squealing, body thuds)
(screaming disingenuously)
>> Your Honor, so my friend
here pushed me in front of a
moving car.
No big deal.
>> Ladies and gentlemen of the
court, these were dire times and
dire actions were needed to get
those tickets.
>> But we didn't get the
tickets, Charlie, because the
guy saw you push me in front of
his car.
>> Yeah, that's true.
We didn't get the tickets.
>> So, you guys tried to scam
your way into the game by
throwing each other in front of
cars with the hopes of extorting
tickets from the drivers.
>> Your Honor, let the record
show that the three of us do not
condone the actions of the two
of them.
>> The record will show
everything.
You can stop saying that.
>> Are you sure?
'Cause she's not typing very
quickly.
>> Shorthand.
She's getting the gist.
>> I don't appreciate being
paraphrased.
Now, I choose my words very
deliberately.
>> Get back to your case.
>> Okay, so, anyway, the three
of us are back at their
apartment, trying to get the
tickets, and Mac is scaling the
building.
(Mac grunts)
>> Well, it's just, I couldn't
get a good grip, you know?
>> Is it the grip?
Is the grip the problem?
>> Yeah.
>> Hey, guys.
Look, I found this garden hose.
All right?
I'm going to use it to pump
fresh air into the building
and breathe into it like a scuba
diver.
>> That actually seems like it
could work.
>> Okay, yeah.
Let's give it a shot.
>> I'm going to try it out.
Okay, all right.
(grunts)
(coughing)
(groaning)
>> Okay, how is it?
(Frank shouting, muffled)
>> What?
>> I'm getting in.
>> Yeah.
>> You're getting in.
>> You're in?
(Frank speaking, muffled)
>> All right.
>> All right.
>> Pre-gaming.
>> Let's pre-game.
>> All right, Dee.
>> Let's get back to this player
selection conversation, okay?
'Cause I got some...
I got some thoughts.
>> Yeah, I've been thinking
about it.
>> Yeah.
>> Ryan Howard, right?
(Mac groans discouragingly)
What?
>> Look, if it's me, I'm going
Chase Utley, 100% of the time.
He's a power-hitting second
baseman, Dee.
Do you know how rare that is in
the National League?
>> Yeah.
Well, yeah, and he's hot, which
is, like number one on my list.
>> Of course he is.
>> But I really like Ryan
Howard.
>> No, you're kissing Chase
Utley, and that's it.
>> Why are you pushing Chase
Utley on me?
It's starting to get weird.
>> Okay, look.
I have a plan, all right?
And it involves you getting this
letter to him when you get out
there to kiss him.
Now, I have given this to Major
League Baseball, his lawyer, his
manager, his mom, and he has not
gotten back to me, which means
he hasn't gotten it yet, so
just...
>> Okay.
What is in this letter?
>> That's none of your business,
all right?
Just get it to Chase.
>> Did you write a love letter
to Chase Utley?
Is that...
>> In a lot of ways, yes, I do
love him, but that is not a love
letter in the way that you're
thinking of it, okay?
There's nothing ***, or...
>> Okay.
That sounds good.
I'm going to read it.
>> Pal around and...
Yeah, read it.
>> "Dear Chase..."
Oh, ***, there's stickers.
>> Yeah.
>> My God.
>> Well, you got to jazz it up,
you know?
>> Yeah, you sure do.
>> I want to make it pop.
>> You sure do.
"Dear Chase, I feel like I can
call you 'Chase' because you and
me are so much alike."
Really?
"I would love to meet you
someday.
It would be great to have a
"catch.
I know I can't throw as fast as
you, but I think you would be
"impressed with my speed.
I love your hair.
You run fast.
"Did you have a good
relationship with your father?
Me, neither.
"These are all things we can
talk about and more.
I know you have not been getting
"my letters because I know you
would write back if you did and
I hope you write back this time
"and we get to be good friends.
I am sure our relationship would
be a real home run."
(imitates bat smacking ball)
(snickering)
>> Well, if...
If you read it out of context...
>> There's no right context.
(Charlie whistles)
>> Strike that from the record,
please.
>> No, leave that on the record.
>> That one stays on the record.
>> All of it.
>> Can we get back to your case?
>> Let's move on, huh?
>> Shall we move on?
>> Yeah, let's move on.
>> We're going to move on.
Sorry about that, Your Honor.
>> Whoo!
>> My God.
Wow!
Wow.
Okay.
(laughing): Okay.
Hey, what were you hoping to
accomplish with this?
>> I'm hoping that he reads the
letter and realizes that he's
always wanted a younger brother.
>> Younger brother?!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
That guy's, like, five years
younger than you.
You know that, right?
>> Is he, really?
>> Yeah.
Oh, ***!
>> Are you kidding me?
He seems...
>> The hose is gone!
Oh, God.
>> Oh, ***.
>> Oh, he's in there, breathing
the poison.
>> We got to get those tickets.
I got to get to Chase.
>> *** it.
>> Okay, hold on.
(both inhale sharply)
Oh, the poison's so thick!
(both groan)
>> This hallway's really bad.
>> There he is.
Run, get him!
Frank! Frank!
Hey, where are the tickets?
Where are the tickets?
>> Leave me here to die.
>> No. Come on.
Where are the *** tickets?
>> I don't know where--
I can't find them.
I left them on the coffee table.
>> Get them.
>> The bug bomb *** took
them.
Son of a ***!
(hacking)
(coughing)
>> Oh, God!
(all coughing)
(retching)
(straining)
(gagging)
(retching)
(coughing)
(all retching)
(groans)
>> Hey.
Yo!
How you feeling, buddy?
>> I'm in a great deal of pain,
Charlie.
I was just busted by a car.
>> Yeah, I know.
You got creamed.
But check it out.
I got you a soft pretzel, dawg.
>> Screw your *** soft
pretzel, you son of a ***!
I might be bleeding internally.
>> Dude!
That's the Philly Phanatic up
there, man.
Maybe I'll talk some shop with
him, the little green man?
He can get us in the game,
dude!
The Phanatic!
(groans)
>> Yo! Hey!
(laughing)
Hi!
Whoo!
Whoo-hoo!
Philly Phanatic!
Philly Phanatic!
Huge fan, man, seriously.
Big time.
Are you serious?
Do you mean that?
Ha, ha!
Bring it in, man.
Bring it in--
(screams)
Yeah!
All right, now, seriously, man-
to-man, mascot-to-mascot, I
was wondering maybe if you could
help get me in the game, you
know?
Maybe hook me up with a green
man routine.
We could do it at the stadium
together.
So...
All right, now, I'm trying to
talk to you, dude.
I'm trying to have a
conversation with you.
You're belly bumping me, all
right?
So...
All right, I'll give you--
All right, don't big-league me
now, here, man.
Don't big-league...
All right, look, I'm trying to
have a conversation with the man
behind the mask.
I feel like you're big-leaguing
me, dude.
Are you taking me seriously?
(Phanatic honking)
♪ Now it's time for me to get
on the mic
And make this ... party hot
I'm taking it back to the... ♪
>> That guy's beating on the
Phanatic.
Dude, is that a hate crime?
>> No, it's not a hate crime.
>> Want to hammer his ***
anyway?
>> Definitely.
>> No, no, guys!
What are you doing?
(punching, Charlie groaning)
♪ Come on, whoomp, there it is!
there it is! ♪
>> Help!
>> Yo, Dennis!
Yo, bud, where you going, dude?
>> Ow, ow.
*** it.
>> What happened to you?
>> Charlie pushed me in front of
a *** car, that's what
happened.
>> You look terrible.
>> Why are your eyes all filled
with blood?
>> On account of the poison.
>> Yeah.
>> Yeah, dude, where were you
going?
We got to get to the stadium.
Look, it's starting to get
packed.
>> Just forget about it, okay?
It's impossible to get in that
stadium, trust me.
T-Take my word for it.
>> No, that's not good enough!
We got to get in so Dee can kiss
Chase Utley...
>> Well, how the hell are you
planning on getting in there,
Mac?
>> Uh... you put me on the spot.
First thing that comes to my
head-- scaling the facade.
All right, I know I soured on
that earlier, but I believe that
that is my mind telling me that
I have it in me.
>> Okay, I hate to tell you
this, bro, but you do not have
the core strength to scale the
facade of Citizens Bank.
You just don't.
>> What?!
I work out all the time!
>> Yeah, but you only work out
your glamour muscles, and you
know it.
>> I work out my core.
>> No, you do not work out your
core.
You're totally arm-heavy.
You're all bis and tris and
everything else is just fat
and-and ribs.
>> Bro, I can do way more
push-ups than you, and that's,
like, 16 different muscle
groups, I think.
>> That is beyond retarded,
what you're saying right now.
I can do way more push-ups than
you, even though I was just hit
by a car.
>> One, two, three, four,
five...
>> 27, 28, 29...
>> All right, enough.
>> Huh?
>> Stop it.
>> All right.
But you get my point, Your
Honor.
And you could see that Mac was
slowing down at the end there,
and let the record show that
that is because he only works
out his glamour muscles.
>> No!
That's... that's ***.
I did, like, three more than
you!
>> Yeah, but...
>> Put that on the record, put
that on the record!
>> Uh, strike that from the
record.
I don't think you did three
more.
>> Oh, no!
You saw it.
She saw it.
>> I need...
>> Sustained.
>> ...this story to come to an
end, soon.
>> Okay, fair enough, Your
Honor.
I will bring the story to a
close very soon.
Okay, so, let me pick up where
we left off.
Uh, we were, we were at the
parking lot, and I had just
punched him in the face for
cheating, like he just tried to
do right here in the courtroom.
Stop handing me papers.
>> Why did you hammer my nose,
bro?
>> I hammered your nose because
you disqualified me for no good
reason.
>> 'Cause you had bad form,
dude!
>> What are you talking about?
You were slowing down, and you
just tried to...
>> That's ***.
>> I got hammered so hard.
>> Yeah, well, you deserve it,
***.
>> Charlie, who hammered you?
>> Just some overly passionate
Phillies fans.
Who do you think?
>> Yeah, hold on.
You getting hammered by Philly
fans is reminding me of
something.
There is a secret tunnel between
the stadium and the Ollidy Inn.
>> I know, dude!
I was telling this guy about the
tunnel.
>> No, that's not true.
>> They built it 'cause Phillies
fans hammer people all the time!
>> That's a known tunnel.
>> Everybody knows about the
tunnel.
>> All right, well, let's give
the tunnel a shot, then.
We got nothing to lose.
>> It's starting, it's starting!
Hear that ***?!
>> I hear it.
>> It seems like it's gonna
rain.
>> Don't ever disqualify me
again for a *** reason.
I'll hammer you again.
>> Was your form off?
>> Try to look inconspicuous.
>> Inconspicuous?
We all look like we've been in a
terrible fight, Frank.
>> Everybody in here looks like
they've been in a terrible
fight.
These two ladies are in the
middle of a terrible fight right
now.
>> Philly fans are brutal.
>> There's the elevator!
Go.
>> All right, which way is it,
dude?
Which way?
>> Uh, let's try this way.
>> The game is about to start,
and this damn thing is not
giving me a signal.
>> Damn it, I don't know if I'm
on board with this plan, man.
I don't know, I might just go up
to the hotel bar and watch it up
there and then join the riot
afterwards.
>> Maybe you're right, dude.
If we can't go to the game, we
should at least be able to watch
it somewhere.
>> We're getting in the game,
all right?!
>> Just hurry up.
>> All right, hang on a second.
This looks good down here.
Bingo.
Look at this little room.
This has got to be something,
right?
All right, here we go.
>> It's a linen closet, Charlie.
>> Yeah, they want you to think
it's a linen closet, Frank.
All right, check behind the
shelves and ***.
>> Why?
>> 'Cause in ScoobyDoo, secret
tunnels are always behind
shelves.
There's gonna be one.
>> Could we not base our
decisions on what does and
doesn't happen in episodes of
*** Doo?
*** it, let's get up to the
bar before the game ends!
>> Yeah, let's go.
>> Come on.
>> Oh, ***, it's locked.
>> What?!
>> What do you mean it's locked?
>> It's locked!
I'm saying it's locked!
>> No! Help!
>> Help!
(all shouting)
>> Guys!
Check this out.
>> No.
(Charlie laughs)
>> Shh.
>> All right, all right.
>> Is it really?
>> Yeah.
>> This is the way.
>> Hang on, it's dark in here,
but it sounds like it's a
tunnel.
(water dripping)
>> It's dark as hell in here!
>> I can't see anything.
>> It stinks.
>> Hang on, hang on.
I found a light.
(all screaming)
(all screaming)
>> Hold it, hold on, hold on!
No, no, no!
Stop it! No!
Uh-uh! No!
(screaming stops)
Are you telling me you all
found a dungeon at the bottom of
the Ollidy Inn?
>> No, no, no.
Uh, I just added that last part
at the end there to spice the
story up.
'Cause if I'm being honest, it
kind of seemed like we were
losing you for a bit.
>> Yeah, you weren't paying
attention, but...
>> But now you are.
>> B-But the point is, we did
get stuck in that linen closet
for six days.
>> Yes, we did.
And as you know, there was a
rain delay on the game, so...
>> Yeah, we missed the game, we
missed the riot, we missed the
parade, we missed everything.
>> Yeah, and the only way we got
out is some maid came after six
days to get fresh towels.
>> Yeah, how does a hotel not
run out of towels for six days?
>> Let the record show that we
question that hotel's sanitation
procedures.
>> Absolutely, abs...
>> It's a filthy place.
>> And while we were stuck in
that tiny little room for six
days, surviving only on sink
water and peppermint candies and
what little bit of riot punch we
had left at that point, my car
accumulated the massive amount
of parking tickets that brings
us before you today.
So, I submit to you, Your Honor,
that not only should I be
excused of those parking
tickets, but I think I'm-- we're
really owed compensation for the
entire ordeal.
>> Oh, yeah.
>> 'Cause we went through some
***.
>> Is that it?
>> Um...
>> Think that about covers the
bases, yeah.
>> Good.
Because I do not find that your
story excuses your behavior.
In fact, it actually seems like
you committed a litany of
additional crimes in the
process.
I order you to pay the original
fine.
Next case.
>> Well, I didn't want to do
this, but...
>> I'm calling kangaroo court
on this court.
>> A kangaroo court.
It's a kangaroo court.
>> I'm calling kangaroo court,
because...
>> And you know what?
I'm gonna toss in my
countersuit, uh, Charlie Kelly
v. Major League Baseball and
the Phillie Frenetic.
>> No, come on.
>> Don't do it, Charlie.
>> I'm mad at this guy!
He's got a stranglehold on the
mascot scene!
>> Look what's happening.
>> All right, first of all, I
had to call him the Frenetic.
His name's the Phanatic, but,
you know, I'm gonna get sued by
Major League Baseball if I call
him the Phanatic.
And let's talk about steroids!
Can we talk about steroids?!
Can we talk about steroid
abuse?!
It's ***!
It's ruining the game!
It's ruining it!
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org
(trio chanting backwards)