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[MUSIC PLAYING]
BETH HOYT: All right.
Well, I'm here at the YouTube space in the beautiful Playa
Del Rey for another episode of That's So Playa Del Rey-ven.
[APPLAUSE]
SPANDY ANDY: Tonight is UCB comedy, hot improve from the
best comedians.
BETH HOYT: That is hot, muy caliente.
It was good, right?
I love every one on the show.
This is exciting.
Oh, boy.
NATHAN BARNATT: And--
BETH HOYT: Whoa!
NATHAN BARNATT: Be sure to check out Comedy Week
countdown videos starting tomorrow.
BETH HOYT: Oh, yeah.
Wow!
That's a kick.
SPANDY ANDY: Not to mention, you should always be checking
out our live events at youtube.com/comedyweek.
As well, tonight's live Adam Carolla podcast, with special
guest, Ray William Johnson.
NATHAN BARNATT: And last night's international comedy
show is up in its entirety.
[APPLAUSE]
BETH HOYT: That's a very impressive hip flexor.
It's so--
NATHAN BARNATT: Let's keep it rolling.
BETH HOYT: Wow.
Yeah, I mean, wow.
I'm from [? France-uh. ?]
That joke doesn't work as well because we
have the kicking thing.
But that's--
NATHAN BARNATT: Oh, I think I know what you're saying.
BETH HOYT: That's OK.
We got there.
That was just--
that's quite a lot of balancing, dexterity you--
NATHAN BARNATT: You noticed my wood.
BETH HOYT: Your wood is right in my face.
Getting real close to my face.
NATHAN BARNATT: Plus we keep on churning out Comedy Week
videos, which can be seen at H-T-T-P W dot dot
youtubecomedy.com/comedyweek.
BETH HOYT: Thank you for letting everyone know that.
Man, when they churn it out, it's like that Play-Doh
machine you guys know we had as kids, with like the--
spaghetti comes out?
I miss being a kid so bad.
I so miss it.
I want to be a kid again.
I just want to be there.
NATHAN BARNATT: OK, you are on ecstasy, Beth.
BETH HOYT: OK, you're a narc.
You're such a narc, seriously.
Join us again tomorrow for more.
Without further a-dude--
yeah.
OK.
NATHAN BARNATT: That was pretty good.
That was pretty good.
BETH HOYT: Just trying.
Thank you.
Let's commence with UCB comedy.
[APPLAUSE]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[APPLAUSE]
JOE WENGERT: Thanks a lot, guys.
Welcome to UCB Comedy, live from the YouTube space.
How you guys feeling tonight?
We're here tonight as a part of Comedy Week.
I don't know about you guys.
I can't believe it's Comedy Week already.
The year went by so quickly.
JON GABRUS: I feel like it was just drama week weeks ago.
JOE WENGERT: I know.
I just took down all my Comedy Week decorations, and now here
we are celebrating it once again.
We're performers from the Upright Citizens Brigade
theatre in Los Angeles.
And what we're going to be doing tonight for you is
improv comedy.
We're going to be watching real YouTube videos.
And that's going to serve as the inspiration for comedy
scenes that we're going to make up on the spot.
They've never been seen before.
And they will never be seen again.
I mean, you can go back and rewatch it again.
But in theory, we're not going to do them again.
Are you guys excited about that?
[APPLAUSE]
Improv is all about the ensemble and about the group,
so now let's take some time to introduce ourselves
individually as performers.
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: Hi, I'm Mike Leffingwell.
TONI RAMOS: Hey, guys.
I'm Toni Ramos.
JOE WENGERT: Hi, everybody.
I was already talking.
My name's Joe Wengert.
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: Hi, Drew DiFonzo Marks.
JON GABRUS: One guy loved it.
I am Jon Gabrus.
MALE SPEAKER: Oh, my god.
ALLAN MCLEOD: And I'm the last one.
I'm Allan McLeod.
How's it going?
[APPLAUSE]
JOE WENGERT: OK.
Now that you know our first and last names,
it's time to do improv.
Let's roll the first YouTube clip.
CRAZYPUERTORRICAN99: Cartoon Network, you have
*** done it again.
I am sick of it.
Cartoon Network, I am just sick of this.
OK.
You cancel "Young Justice" and "Green Lantern," the only
reason to watch Cartoon Network right now.
OK?
And this happened before. "Toonami--" you know
"Toonami." That got canceled for low ratings.
OK.
But this was the only thing that was worth watching on
Cartoon Network.
They just-- why do they do that?
Hell, Boomerang has better shows.
Disney Channel has now better shows, and that
has a lot to say.
Cartoon Network, what the *** is wrong?
You guys just can't keep doing this.
"Toonami," childhood ruined.
"DC Nation--" "DC Nation" is a one hour block.
It should be more.
This could have been the new "Toonami," but just with
superhero shows.
They could have had three hours.
Like they could have had two hours of the new shows and
like one hour of the classics, like
"Teen Titans," or "Batman--
The Animated Series," "Justice League Unlimited." But OK, to
do this again?
Nah.
I'm just sick and tired of this ***.
You know what, Cartoon Network?
The only think I'm watching right now is Adult Swim.
And that's because of "Toonami." It's only because
of "Toonami," and I only watch it on Saturdays.
Get that through your *** skulls and
just stop doing this.
That's all.
Stay cool.
***.
[APPLAUSE]
JOE WENGERT: OK.
So, we all watched that video for the first time with the
rest of you, right now.
And we're going to use that video as the inspiration for
some improvised scenes.
[APPLAUSE]
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: Excuse me.
Are you the manager of this McDonald's?
TONI RAMOS: Uh, yes sir, I am.
How can I help you?
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: Oh, you can help me by
answering this question.
TONI RAMOS: OK, great.
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: Where the *** is the McRib?
Where is it?
TONI RAMOS: Sir, the McRib is a limited time thing.
It's in the month of June, so it'll be
coming up in a few weeks.
If you can come--
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: Oh, OK.
Hey, yeah, yeah.
No, I got a great idea.
Why don't we only have sunshine in the month of June,
and it's total darkness for the other 11
months of the year?
Why are you *** America?
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: Hi, can I get a
number four, super sized?
And instead of a soft drink, can I get a Shamrock shake?
TONI RAMOS: Oh, sorry.
We don't have Shamrock shakes.
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: Go *** yourself.
TONI RAMOS: It's been a rough day, sir.
ALLAN MCLEOD: I've been looking around
the Playland area.
TONI RAMOS: Oh, great.
Yeah.
Did you lose a kid?
Or are you--
ALLAN MCLEOD: I think you guys lost Grimace.
Where the *** is Grimace?
Where's my big purple man?
TONI RAMOS: Sir, that's just an action figure.
He's not like a real guy running around.
He's just like a--
ALLAN MCLEOD: What?
What's wrong with you?
JOE WENGERT: OK.
Toni, we've heard your complaints, and--
TONI RAMOS: I mean, they are rough.
So many guys have told me to go *** myself, that I'm an
idiot, threw out the C-word.
JOE WENGERT: Look, these products
are seasonal products.
There's no way that we can offer them
throughout the year.
The best that I can do for you is give you this handgun, OK?
If someone is especially irate about the fact that they can't
get a specific--
JON GABRUS: I'll have--
TONI RAMOS: Pow.
JON GABRUS: Come on!
Ow.
JOE WENGERT: I need the gun back, because--
[APPLAUSE]
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: So it's a lovely apartment.
JON GABRUS: I noticed.
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: Thank you.
So honestly, it's in a great school
district, hardwood floors.
Second floor--
I'll take you up there.
JON GABRUS: Great.
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: Now, these three katana swords are on the
wall at all times.
JON GABRUS: Yeah, I was just--
I was going to ask about it.
Because I have kids, bunch of crazy, *** kids.
And I can't have them playing with katana blades or
whatever that is.
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: They are part of the apartment.
They are non-negotiable.
Did you call your own kids *** crazy?
JON GABRUS: When you see these monsters, you'll know what I'm
talking about.
One kid eats wood by the pound.
I can't-- it's a *** nightmare.
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: That's crazy.
JON GABRUS: Thank you.
See?
I'm not like using that like, oh, my crazy kids.
Like I think there's serious mental issues.
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: Sure.
I'm a father myself.
JON GABRUS: Oh.
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: Yeah.
JON GABRUS: I would never have guessed.
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: One of my kids?
Bonkers.
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: Dad, are you done?
JON GABRUS: No, we're not--
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: We're running out of
oxygen in the car.
JON GABRUS: Mike, you're not in the car anymore, so your
oxygen should be fine.
And that is my good doorstop.
God damn it, Mike.
You took this from my--
I use this doorstop to hold my door.
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: Mom lets me eat doorstops.
JON GABRUS: Well then you can eat it on the
weekend when you go visit.
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: Oh, I will.
I will.
JON GABRUS: Sit down right there.
Thank you.
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: So you have kids.
OK.
So it seems like this is a big apartment.
It might be good.
JON GABRUS: Yeah, it might be.
Are those blades sharp?
I got to-- this is a hard for me to--
that seems like a very specific thing to have in an
apartment that is non-negotiable.
I feel like, once I move in and you're not around, I could
take the katana blade.
Just like I lived in an apartment where the landlord
said, you can't go on the roof.
The second he left I went up on the roof and smoked weed.
So I feel like the second you leave, I'm going to put those
katanas in a drawer or I'm going to play
with them by myself.
ALLAN MCLEOD: Daddy.
JON GABRUS: Oh, no.
What is it, Bruno?
ALLAN MCLEOD: I pooped nails again.
Nails came out of my butt.
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: I thought my kids were crazy.
JON GABRUS: No, my kids are genuinely crazy.
They eat things that aren't food.
ALLAN MCLEOD: Dad, I got a nail in my eye.
If I'd had wood, it might have stopped it.
JON GABRUS: It's not how it-- are you pooping in your
brother's eyes again?
ALLAN MCLEOD: Yeah.
JON GABRUS: Please, Bruno, none of that.
And what do we say?
It's I made boom-boom with nails.
Trying to teach them better language.
ALLAN MCLEOD: Nice swords.
JON GABRUS: OK.
You've got a point there, Mike.
Insane *** child likes swords.
*** nails.
Do you know how you *** nails?
Do you see how casual he was about it?
That would ruin most people.
My kids have--
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: It's a jarring experience
for me to see that.
JON GABRUS: My kids are like *** cartoon sharks.
They swallow everything.
I swear.
You know how cartoons sharks do that.
Is that not a casual expression here?
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: Here?
JON GABRUS: Yeah, where are we?
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: We're in this apartment.
JON GABRUS: Yeah.
Yeah, all right.
JOE WENGERT: Dad?
Daddy?
JON GABRUS: One at a time they come.
What is it?
JOE WENGERT: I finished my math worksheet.
I need you to check over my answers.
JON GABRUS: Get out of here, you sick ***.
You're a *** nightmare.
JOE WENGERT: I need you to check my answers.
JON GABRUS: No.
No.
JOE WENGERT: How do I know if they're right or not?
JON GABRUS: Go clean up your brother's nail ***.
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: Sir, I do not mean to get involved, but
that just seemed like a child crying for help.
JON GABRUS: But his pants didn't even match his shirt.
He's a wacky little kid.
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: That's not enough of a reason.
Look, are your kids--
JON GABRUS: I lump all my kids together a little bit.
Some of them are better than others, OK?
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: OK.
JON GABRUS: But you know, by the time the third one comes
around, you're a little worked up from your first two.
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: And they're all just out there in
the car by themselves?
JON GABRUS: Yeah.
Do we have to keep this like, awful, awful brown color that
we have everywhere?
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: God, no.
JON GABRUS: I can repaint, but I can't move the katanas.
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: That's the one thing.
ALLAN MCLEOD: OK, everybody.
[APPLAUSE]
ALLAN MCLEOD: So, you know, we've been having a lot of
programming issues here, people not a big fan of what
we're doing at the Hallmark Channel.
So we brought into a new kid to be the CEO of
the Hallmark Channel.
You know, because kids, they have moms.
They overhear a lot of stuff their moms like.
That's the thinking behind me hiring a child.
JON GABRUS: I'm standing right here, Mr. [INAUDIBLE].
ALLAN MCLEOD: Oh, yeah.
JON GABRUS: Hi.
My name's Danny.
I run the Hallmark Channel now.
And we're gonna, my first idea, my first idea is--
aw, I have a nervous ***.
I have a nervous ***.
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: That is a huge *** for a little boy.
JON GABRUS: Thank you.
Thank you so much.
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: That was not a compliment.
It's more bewilderment.
JON GABRUS: It's a compliment for me.
JOE WENGERT: Is your nervous *** a programming idea?
JON GABRUS: Yeah.
Of course.
That's why I did it.
We're going to have a two-hour *** block on Thursdays.
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: Rob Lowe could play the ***.
JON GABRUS: Yeah.
Who's that?
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: Oh, he's an actor that does a lot of
Hallmark movies.
JON GABRUS: Oh, all right.
ALLAN MCLEOD: He's a great guy.
I'll call him.
JON GABRUS: Cool.
I'm a kid.
So I'm not going to know that reference.
Um, my other idea was we could have no
commercials and free pizza.
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: Boss?
I got to call *** here.
ALLAN MCLEOD: Whoa.
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: Because I got a *** in a meeting last
week, and you told me was inappropriate.
ALLAN MCLEOD: Because you're an adult man.
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: Yeah, it was a confident ***.
ALLAN MCLEOD: Well, this is a nervous child's ***, OK?
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: I'm just pissed because his
is bigger than mine.
JOE WENGERT: Maybe we need, like, to have a meeting so we
know which *** are OK and which *** are sort of
outside the lines.
JON GABRUS: I guess as your new CEO of Hallmark Channel, I
might as well have that meeting now?
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: Well you know what would help me a lot?
Is a lot of times, I'm not cc:ed on the company email, so
I only had like a half chub at the Friday meeting last week.
Because I wasn't ready.
I didn't know it was going on.
And I was even also like, are they appropriate?
Is it inappropriate?
ALLAN MCLEOD: Well, we all emailed each other about that.
And we're going to have to let you go.
The half chub is not appropriate.
At least get it all the way up or nothing at all.
JON GABRUS: Right?
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: Guys?
I can't have my marriage and my job end the same week for
the same reason.
ALLAN MCLEOD: Change is good.
Embrace it.
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: All right.
Good luck, kid.
You're gonna need it.
Slam!
ALLAN MCLEOD: He always does that.
Every time he leaves, he closes the door, he says slam.
That was another reason.
We can't fire him on those grounds.
JON GABRUS: I can't believe we fired such an awesome dude.
OK, idea number three, now just try to get this through
your thick, *** skull, OK?
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: What was idea number two?
JON GABRUS: Idea number two was no
commercials and free pizza.
You don't remember it because you were too busy thinking
about your own ***.
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: He's right.
JON GABRUS: All right.
Let's table the *** for now.
What we're talking about is free pizza, no commercials.
Because commercials suck, pizza is awesome.
So how can we capitalize on that?
ALLAN MCLEOD: Pizza commercials.
JON GABRUS: All right.
JOE WENGERT: Only commercials for pizza?
ALLAN MCLEOD: Why not?
I'm trying to-- we have to have--
JON GABRUS: We're just spit-balling here
TONI RAMOS: I know we're tabling the *** talk.
But what about--
I feel weird saying this in front of a kid.
But getting wet, or moist, or maybe laughing too hard, or
hitting the edge of a desk and wetting
yourself a little bit--
does that count as like a *** time?
JON GABRUS: Are those things that could happen to people?
TONI RAMOS: To women who have had children, yes.
Yes, it can.
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: They can hit a table and wet
themselves?
TONI RAMOS: If you hit a part, yes.
Yes, it can.
If you hit a table too hard, it blows out a little bit.
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: Sweetheart,
now, close your eyes?
TONI RAMOS: OK.
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: Now, hold on.
I rearranged the furniture a little bit.
TONI RAMOS: Why would you do that?
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: Hold on.
It's OK.
Just keep walking.
I got you something.
TONI RAMOS: Oh!
Oh.
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: Did you come?
What happened?
TONI RAMOS: Whoa, definitely didn't come.
[APPLAUSE]
JON GABRUS: Mr. Smith, I wanted to talk to
you about your son.
I ran all the tests that I could.
And I feel like the only real answer left to this issue is
that I don't think he can blink.
I don't think he--
the reason his eyes are drying out so rapidly is that he
doesn't know how to blink.
ALLAN MCLEOD: That's not usually a thing you have to
teach somebody.
JON GABRUS: Yeah, no ***.
And that's why I'm freaking out, OK?
I'm a doctor.
I'm a doctor of eyes, as we call it in the medical term,
an eye doctor.
And now I've got this.
I've never seen this before.
Blinking is something we instinctually do--
I did like the, [SNAP].
You didn't blink either.
ALLAN MCLEOD: Uh, I just--
I didn't want to miss anything.
I didn't want to miss anything.
JON GABRUS: [LAUGHING]
Are you--
a strange man just threw a punch in your face, and you
didn't even react at all.
ALLAN MCLEOD: Do it again, I'll blink.
I'll blink.
JON GABRUS: You didn't blink.
ALLAN MCLEOD: Oh, wait!
Wait!
JON GABRUS: ***, it's hereditary.
It got to be on the Y chromosome.
ALLAN MCLEOD: Yeah, it's probably on the Y chromosome.
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: Dr. Douglas?
JON GABRUS: [LAUGHING]
Uh-huh.
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: Sorry to interrupt.
Your wife just called and left a message.
She wants you to call her as soon as you get a chance.
Thanks.
Bye.
ALLAN MCLEOD: Your secretary--
JON GABRUS: I'm just now noticing that my secretary
I've had for the last 18 years might never
have blinked before.
ALLAN MCLEOD: Gosh--
JON GABRUS: I'm always looking right here.
ALLAN MCLEOD: OK, OK.
I get that.
JON GABRUS: I got you right in the center there.
My bad.
I didn't mean to touch a stranger.
You didn't react at all, again, dude.
ALLAN MCLEOD: Well, what do you expect, my
pecs to blink now?
Look, I'm working on it.
My son stares at me creepily all the time,
even when he's asleep.
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: Daddy?
Daddy?
Daddy?
ALLAN MCLEOD: No, it's me son.
Yes.
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: I know.
I've just been waiting a long time for this optometry
appointment.
ALLAN MCLEOD: We're going to get you those glasses.
JON GABRUS: That's very cute, but we're called eye doctors.
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: Why do I need an eye doctor?
What's wrong with my eyes?
[INAUDIBLE] do anything.
JON GABRUS: There's nothing technically
wrong with your eyes.
It's more your lid.
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: The thing above my
eyes that does nothing?
JON GABRUS: Well, yeah, for most--
holy ***, you're really creeping me out.
That's some Michael Caine ***.
[LAUGHS]
Did you just fake blink after I swung at you
to try to fit in?
ALLAN MCLEOD: Yeah, why don't you bust my balls about it?
JON GABRUS: I feel like my soul is being--
JOE WENGERT: Dr. Gabrus, we heard about your complaint.
And there's nothing that we can really do except to give
you this handgun.
So if you feel intimidated by any of your
patients or their parents--
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: So you're going to do this to make my
eyes react in any way at all?
JON GABRUS: Yeah.
What's wrong with you, kid?
Why aren't you afraid of a *** gun, man?
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: Fire it in the air near me.
See if anything happens at all.
Not a thing.
ALLAN MCLEOD: [YELLING]
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: Oh!
Daddy!
Daddy, no!
I'd cry, but I can't close my eyes.
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: I heard a shot.
What's going on?
JON GABRUS: Jesus Christ, all of you, get out of here.
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: Your wife said the recycling's going to
get picked up on Thursday this week.
JON GABRUS: Thursday?
No.
Sorry, I'm losing--
I'm cracking up here.
All right.
You see, I'm just an eye doctor.
Are you blinking all now from being shot?
ALLAN MCLEOD: This is years of blinks
flashing before my eyes.
JON GABRUS: That's literally what's happening.
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: Teach me how to do that with those
above eye muscles.
JON GABRUS: Teach you how to blink?
ALLAN MCLEOD: Son.
JON GABRUS: That was the--
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: Yes, Daddy.
JON GABRUS: I got the message.
ALLAN MCLEOD: Take my lids.
Take my lids.
Yes, peel them.
Peel them.
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: This is so gross.
ALLAN MCLEOD: Attach my lids to my son's eyes.
JON GABRUS: I honestly don't think that's the issue.
ALLAN MCLEOD: You've got to try.
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: But, Daddy, I have eyelids.
I just don't know how to use them.
ALLAN MCLEOD: Maybe you need double lids.
More lids, please.
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: Jon, wake up!
Wake up, Jon.
Jon, wake up!
Wake up!
JON GABRUS: Oh!
[GASPING]
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: You were talking in your sleep.
JON GABRUS: Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Is it Thursday?
The recycling, oh, my god, the recycling--
oh, ***.
I was supposed to put it out.
No.
Wait.
That wasn't the thrust of my dream.
That's all I remember.
Oh, ***.
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: What a weird ***.
JON GABRUS: It's a normal ***.
[APPLAUSE]
JOE WENGERT: So we've narrowed down the names for the
Saturday morning cartoon block down to two names.
We're either going to call it Saturday Morning Fun Time or
Toonami, to sort of evoke the name of a natural disaster
that would kill--
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: Oh, I got it.
JOE WENGERT: --maybe millions of people.
So Saturday Morning Fun Time.
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: Or Toonami.
JOE WENGERT: Or Toonami.
Also--
I'm sorry.
There was a third option that I keep blanking about.
Cartoon 9/11 was another [INTERPOSING VOICES].
So one of those three--
and I can't figure out which ones to eliminate because
they're all very good.
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: Good's a subjective term.
You've kind of pointed out the only problem with it, saying
that it invokes a natural disaster.
JOE WENGERT: Yeah, it's a little too on the nose.
Cartoon Fun Time is just like, the kids are going to be like,
this is insulting to us.
Let us decide if it's fun or not.
And we know it's cartoons.
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: Honestly, Joe, I would say the second
and the third ones are just borderline offensive, OK?
Like those children could have had family members that died
in the tsunami or many parents that were in 9/11, OK?
And that's just going to really harsh-- not make them
want to watch.
Fun time is fun for everybody.
JOE WENGERT: This way, they'll sort of deal with their
issues, I feel like, in a fun environment with their
favorite characters.
JON GABRUS: Hey, boss, I came up with a few others.
I should probably read them to you, because I wrote them in
such sloppy handwriting.
Japanese Internment Cartoons.
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: You had to go out of your way
to think that up.
That's just going for offensive.
JON GABRUS: The Funenburg Trials.
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: At least there's an attempt at wordplay
in that one.
JON GABRUS: And this one is just called Lynch.
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: It's just offensive.
And no one would even know that's a cartoon show.
JON GABRUS: Ahh!
All right.
I'll take these back, put them in the oven for
a little bit longer.
Ovens!
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: No.
No, I know where you're going with that.
JON GABRUS: OK, fair enough.
Sorry, boss.
I tried.
We got to find something better than Saturday Fun Time.
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: Look, I'm not saying Saturday Fun Time
is perfect, but something like Action Packed
Hour, or Fun Zone.
Or Animation--
JOE WENGERT: Action Packed Hour?
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: Action Pack Hour.
JOE WENGERT: OK, that's very rude of you.
OK?
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: How is that rude?
JOE WENGERT: You want to know-- you think that kids are
going to want to tune into something that's going to
remind them of car crashes and buildings imploding?
Two actions?
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: I think 9/11 Hour is a little more
buildings imploding than Action Pack Hour.
JOE WENGERT: Well, most of the cartoons are going to be
airing between 9:00 AM and 11:00 AM.
I don't understand what the problem is with that.
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: That's a stretch at best.
JOE WENGERT: What?
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: That's a stretch.
JOE WENGERT: Nobody's watching the 8 o'clock cartoons.
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: Look, I'm just saying--
even if that reference went over the kids heads, let's say
the kids are too young for 9/11, the parents are going to
be up, you know, making breakfast for the kids.
And they're going to watch it.
And adults will be offended by it.
It's just something--
JOE WENGERT: Those adults need to find something better to do
with their time, I think, than watch cartoons all morning.
Take care--
take care of your kids.
Focus on your career and your future.
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: All right.
Let me just run a little test by you.
You tell me which of these you think is better.
And I'm just going to go with the line of logic I think
you're using.
OK, let's go with Animation Station--
JOE WENGERT: Love it.
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: Or just, Holocaust Hour.
JOE WENGERT: Super love it.
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: No!
JOE WENGERT: Wow.
Now, I got a dilemma again.
I don't know which one to take.
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: No.
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: Excuse me.
I'm sorry to interrupt.
I just had an idea, kind of a brainstorm.
Hitler had some pretty good ideas.
I'm sorry, I don't actually work for this company.
I'm just looking for a bathroom.
Is there one on this floor?
I'll find it.
JOE WENGERT: Yeah, you just go down the hall, three doors
down to your right.
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: Thank you.
JOE WENGERT: You're welcome.
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: Slam.
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: He always does that.
Look, the cartoons themselves are G rated, OK?
All right?
They're for all audiences.
Some of them have smart jokes, because the parents will be
watching, too.
So the material itself is not--
is geared towards kids.
You want to make sure the title of the hour is as well.
ALLAN MCLEOD: Guys, guys.
Did you guys hear the news?
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: What happened?
ALLAN MCLEOD: 1,000 people just died in a Fun Time
Animation Station accident.
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: All right, *** it.
Let's go with Holocaust hour.
JON GABRUS: Thank you guys.
That's our first show.
[APPLAUSE]
JOE WENGERT: OK.
Right now, we're going to bring out another performer.
He's also a performer from the UCB Theatre.
And he's got a show coming on Comedy Central called
"Review." Let's give a warm welcome
to Andy Daly, everybody.
[APPLAUSE]
ANDY DALY: Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Yeah.
That's a good round of applause.
MALE SPEAKER: Standing ovation--
[INAUDIBLE] that.
ANDY DALY: That son of a *** just cut me off.
Hey, *** you, you piece of ***.
*** you.
INTERN: Oh, this is amazing.
ANDY DALY: This guy just *** with the wrong
***.
INTERN: ***, yeah, Mr. MacNeil.
ANDY DALY: ***, you just ***
with the wrong guy.
INTERN: I got your back, Mr. MacNeil.
ANDY DALY: What the *** is the matter with you?
I'm trying to *** drive here.
You blow through that stop sign like that.
You don't *** do that to people.
You got a stop sign?
You stop at the *** white line.
INTERN: Mr. MacNeil.
ANDY DALY: Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
OK.
Hey, ***.
It looks like something happened to
your *** taillight.
What the *** happened to your sideview mirror, ***?
Looks like your blind spot just got a
little bigger, ***.
What are you going to do about it?
MALE SPEAKER: You forgot about something.
Oh.
You forgot one more thing.
Hey!
You ever been in a smash off?
You are now.
ANDY DALY: Smash off!
INTERN: No, no, no.
Mr. MacNeil, no.
No, Mr. MacNeil.
Stop, Mr. MacNeil!
That's my *** car.
Please, Mr. MacNeil!
Please!
*** stop him.
That's my car.
Somebody help me!
[INAUDIBLE]
ANDY DALY: *** you.
What are you going to do now, ***?
MALE SPEAKER: I will end you.
[APPLAUSE]
ANDY DALY: What the *** was that, you may well wonder?
Often, when a clip is shown in a context like this, it's
explained first and then shown.
But we'll do it the other way around where it's shown in
total mystery and then explained afterward.
I have a show premiering on Comedy Central soon called
"Review," in which I play character named Forrest, who
is a critic who reviews not movies, or food, or books, but
life experiences.
So what's it like to steal, what's it like to be a racist,
or what's it like to experience road rage?
And so, as you're now beginning to piece together
what you just saw, in that piece--
here's what I would have said.
The character has borrowed his intern's car to go experience
what it's like to have road rage.
And the intern comes along for the ride.
And here is what happens.
So, yeah, right?
[APPLAUSE]
In retrospect it's enjoyable.
So that's it for that.
Now, will you do some improvising?
JOE WENGERT: Yeah, we're going to watch
another YouTube video.
And we're going to improvise off that.
ANDY DALY: Maybe we should improvise first and then watch
the video that the improvising is inspired by.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
ROB MENARD: You little rascals.
You try to control the whole world for your own benefit
without regard to the needs of others or future generations.
You demand that we seek your permission and pay your fees
to exercise our rights or suffer being beaten with
sticks and shocked with tasers, which incidentally,
you force us to buy.
You steal our wealth, you tax our wages, our income, our
transactions.
You're burdening us and our kids with a debt which can
never be repaid, so that you can build bombs that you drop
on people on the other side of the planet while you're safely
sipping champagne well out of range, so you can eventually
do the same thing to them.
And you got us calling that freedom.
You've *** the earth, devastated diversity,
monopolized money.
You poison the air we breathe and the water we drink.
You made organic food a thing by ladening the food supply
with chemicals.
And you deny us our rights to the point of jailing us for
the plants we grow.
You claim to be protecting us from criminals and enemies by
calling us criminals, acting like one yourself, and then
needlessly creating enemies in our name
and with our resources.
You have denied the entire planet peace in abundance in
order to fulfill your own psychotic wanton greed and
*** for power.
Then you claim to be the protector of our rights, but
then you abandon the biggest and reject the best.
Oh, god, you use deception when you craft your statutes.
You call them laws to justify your aggression.
And you cloak it all up in a great big flag of false
constitutionality.
You rely on fear.
Oh, man, you're experts at it.
You use fear to create division.
And then ignorance--
you rely on ignorance to insure obedience.
You've completely perverted democracy buying politicians,
obstructed justice hijacking the courts.
You caused us to lose faith in our own institutions.
And best of all, you hindered our spiritual growth and the
development of our consciousness.
In short you've been very, very, very naughty.
And we know it.
ANDY DALY: So I watched your online dating video.
I just had some pointers, just as like an online video dating
consultant.
It's my job to help people get the most out of the service.
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: That's what I want.
ANDY DALY: And attract a mate who's really going to be good
for you but also be someone that exists.
You know what I mean?
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: Well, I believe there's somebody out
there for everybody.
ANDY DALY: I don't know.
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: Is it the shirt choice?
Because I was in my head about, like, do I just wear a
solid color?
Or should I do a pattern?
ANDY DALY: It was interesting to me that the hat seemed to
be made out of the material that the shirt was.
That suggests a certain self-sufficiency.
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: It used to be a hoodie, and then I made
it more economical.
ANDY DALY: I think I understand.
I would say that there is somebody out there for the
best version of everyone, right?
And that's what we want to put out there.
So your video was, let me actually ask you.
How long did you feel it was?
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: Oh, god.
I mean this, can't be right.
But it must have been like 45 seconds or something.
Just like, it just flew by.
ANDY DALY: Fascinating.
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: Like, a minute?
ANDY DALY: That's fascinating that you would say that.
It was three hours and 25 minutes long.
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: Was it really?
ANDY DALY: It really was.
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: Once you just deep dive into your
heart, it's like, [MAKES SOUND EFFECT].
ANDY DALY: Yeah.
It was--
it covered a wide range of topics, questionable
interpretations of history, science?
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: Yeah, I mean, I feel like I just kind
of want to put myself out there as much as--
cast a wide net.
And then just kind of see what kind of woman fish jumps into
the net and is like, take me out of the water
where I can't breathe.
ANDY DALY: That doesn't sound great.
JON GABRUS: I've watched your video five times.
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: Really?
JON GABRUS: Yeah.
You seem amazing.
I agree with everything.
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
JON GABRUS: Soup to nuts, all of it--
you're a genius.
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: So you believe that the Declaration
of Independence was actually signed by dogs.
JON GABRUS: Yeah.
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: That the framers of the Constitution--
JON GABRUS: Were dogs.
They were dogs, and they had dogs.
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: That we came from dogs.
JON GABRUS: We were all originally dogs.
Yeah, I think that was the most important message that
you had there.
Because I always have dreams at night that I'm a Boston
terrier, urinating on various things.
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: Oh!
I have a dream almost--
at least once a week where I'm a various thing
getting peed on.
JON GABRUS: Me, too.
I only sleep once a week for two hours.
So I have the dreams that-- well, I can't go to sleep.
Because just like in your video, you said everyone's pod
casting your nightmares out to various enemies and insurgents
and stuff like that.
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: Yeah, and the second you close your
eyes, that's where they start targeting the lasers at you.
And then, boom, you're going to get blown up.
JON GABRUS: That's great.
Can I-- can I have more napkins?
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You have to get some roughage.
Absolutely.
JON GABRUS: Look, so, I think this is going well.
If you wanna--
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: I have to be honest.
I'm not totally feeling it.
I'm so sorry.
You're are an amazing girl.
I like you.
[APPLAUSE]
ALLAN MCLEOD: Yes, yes.
The missile will fly 5,000 miles or so and blow up the
whole continent.
But I have a question.
Where's the room where I drink my champagne?
Is it around here?
I didn't see the champagne room.
I'd like to enjoy some champagne as I
watch the world die.
TONI RAMOS: I could fashion a champagne room for you.
I wasn't prepared for this.
ALLAN MCLEOD: Yes, you seem more like a brainy science
geek who toys with missiles and that sort of thing.
TONI RAMOS: Yes, I'm not used to human contact.
I am just so thrilled that you are around.
I could--
I have a bunch of Mountain Dew or Red Bull I could mix
together for some sort of champagne--
ALLAN MCLEOD: That's not the ingredients for champagne.
That's not the ingredients.
TONI RAMOS: OK.
All right.
ALLAN MCLEOD: Really should hire more wine connoisseurs or
something here at the factory, at the missile factory.
Because I mean, who's funding these sorts of operations?
People like me who wear furs and expensive jewelry and like
to drink champagne while people burn
up for no good reason.
TONI RAMOS: Oh, god.
Oh, gosh.
ALLAN MCLEOD: What are you looking on the ground?
There's no rooms down there.
I want my champagne room.
JOE WENGERT: I'm afraid I have some other bad news.
I just went to the area where the lunch was set up.
And there are no caviar.
There are no king crab legs.
Can I please have the name of your supervisor so that we can
complain to them now before the world is destroyed?
Because we are very unhappy with the job
that you've done here.
And you are going to perish along with everyone else in
the world, but I want it to go down on your record that you
are bad at what you do.
ALLAN MCLEOD: Very bad.
TONI RAMOS: I mean, we only have mere minutes.
I have some jerky.
His name is Hank, if that's what you're still looking for.
ALLAN MCLEOD: Jerky's name is Hank.
TONI RAMOS: I have jerky.
My boss's name is Hank.
Please don't tell him.
I'm going to get fired.
JOE WENGERT: You thought we wanted to snack on some jerky?
TONI RAMOS: It's all I have.
ALLAN MCLEOD: Benedict, what kind of missile factory silo
is this place?
You're the one that found them on the internet.
What--
JOE WENGERT: Their Yelp reviews were off the charts.
TONI RAMOS: Thank you.
[APPLAUSE]
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: Excuse me.
Officer?
I'd like to turn myself in.
JON GABRUS: Sure.
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: I *** the earth.
JON GABRUS: I don't have time for any of this.
I got to do--
I got to file--
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: I did it.
I've been doing it for years and I just woke up today, and
I realized I'm not driving a Prius.
I'm an earth ***.
I've been following the earth back to its car at night, and
getting into my gas guzzling *** of a car
and raping this planet.
Take me away.
JON GABRUS: I'm going to just take you way for the way you
just talked to a police officer, for starters.
Raping the earth?
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: Yeah.
JON GABRUS: Well, so what do you call it, if unbeknownst to
the earth, you dig a little hole, *** it, and
then come in it?
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: I don't, man.
Is that hole some *** asphalt that's eating away at
our nutrients?
Or is it a compost--
JON GABRUS: You don't *** asphalt.
You want mud or something like that.
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: Look, man, you can *** the
planet how you want.
I'll *** the planet how I want.
You can *** it and I can destroy it.
But my carbon footprint is unforgivable.
I've been raping this earth like it was a
*** frat party.
Now, take me away.
I deserve it.
JON GABRUS: All right, man.
I'm going to take your prison, where there's going to be gas
guzzling, or whatever you refer to it.
ALLAN MCLEOD: All right.
Well, we ran the *** kit tests on the earth like you
forced us to do.
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: How bad is it?
ALLAN MCLEOD: I mean, it's pretty normal--
there's some grass in it, some bits of dirt and soil--
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: I'm a monster.
ALLAN MCLEOD: There's no evidence that you--
we can only arrest you if you physically *** the earth.
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: Now, did you do a *** kit on the
general environment's area, on this whole where that cop came
over and *** it?
ALLAN MCLEOD: We did both--
JON GABRUS: [INAUDIBLE]
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: Hey, you *** the earth your way.
I'll *** it my way.
ALLAN MCLEOD: Hey, don't worry.
The earth was asking for it.
He's OK.
He's [INAUDIBLE] me.
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: The earth was asking for it?
Why?
Because of its shiny blue oceans?
JON GABRUS: I mean, it's covered in 70% water.
ALLAN MCLEOD: I mean, come on.
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: That's water that we need.
ALLAN MCLEOD: It's so wet.
It's so wet.
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: Oh, so it's just asking for it?
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: All right, officers,
officers, get in here.
MALE SPEAKER: All right.
ANDY DALY: What?
MALE SPEAKER: Here's this?
ANDY DALY: I'm busy being a police officer.
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: We need to have a
little sensitivity training.
It's come to my attention that a number of you have been
making comments out when you're interviewing suspects
about raping the earth, and how the earth is asking for
it, and look at the way it's dressed, and if it didn't want
to be *** it should have stayed at Pangaea.
So from now on we just to look at the earth as not an
acceptable thing to talk about raping.
All right?
JON GABRUS: No matter--
OK.
Got it.
So like--
OK.
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: No.
Let's put anything out there.
I want to know where your heads are at.
All right?
ALLAN MCLEOD: It spread apart from Pangaea, like you said.
It spread out.
JON GABRUS: I mean, if I'm busting a couple of guys who
are smoking a blunt in their car, why can't I bring up that
I think raping the earth is OK?
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: How would that even come up just in the
process of arresting them for that?
JON GABRUS: You know, you see something.
You're like, oh that's from the earth.
Speaking of earth, you ever seen the way it rotates,
taking 24 hours?
Yeah, you're showing it off, ***.
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: Kowalski, you're having to do a lot of
work to bring *** earth into that
conversation, I feel like.
ANDY DALY: Why is the earth going out alone at night?
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: Well, technically, it's not going
out alone at night because it's part of the solar system.
But even so, like would you say that was OK for a woman?
Like would you say your mother can't go out alone at night?
ANDY DALY: She cannot.
She's got a bad hip.
She needs help.
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: Right, but you would never say to a
citizen that it would be OK to *** your mother because she
has a bad hip, or because she's going
out at night, right?
ANDY DALY: Certainly not.
[WHISPERS]
Yes, I would.
JOE WENGERT: I think what he's saying is, why can't the earth
sync up with some of the other planets, in terms of having
their orbits happen at the same time so they're not out
there in space on their own?
ANDY DALY: That is exactly what I am saying.
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: Are you drawing a parallel between
earth's and other planets' orbits and women's
menstruations?
JON GABRUS: What?
ANDY DALY: Whoa.
JON GABRUS: Whoa.
Slow it down, creepo.
No one was saying that.
JOE WENGERT: I'm saying that they should hang out together.
I mean, earth and the other planets don't have a problem
all going to the bathroom together.
ANDY DALY: [LAUGHS]
JOE WENGERT: That didn't make any sense.
No.
I realize now that I think about it.
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: All right.
I don't you feel uncomfortable, Lewalski, but I
want to get a female perspective here, all right?
JON GABRUS: Well why don't we ask Darren?
He's part earth.
What do women have to do with this?
ALLAN MCLEOD: He's a herm-earth-rodite.
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: What is he?
ALLAN MCLEOD: I always mispronounce it.
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: Say it again.
ALLAN MCLEOD: Herm-earth-rodite.
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: Herm-earth-rodite?
ALLAN MCLEOD: Herm-earth-rodite.
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: I'm a herm-earth-rodite.
JON GABRUS: Yeah.
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
with both a *** and a layer of crust.
[APPLAUSE]
JOE WENGERT: Hey, Dean Ramos?
I'm sorry to bother you.
But I'm supposed to be teaching an intro to art
history class in Williams lecture hall and Ted Nugent's
down there.
And he's just in front of the white board making some
YouTube videos.
TONI RAMOS: Ah, ***.
JOE WENGERT: And I can't get Ted Nugent out of the lecture
hall by myself.
He's got a couple of crossbows with him.
TONI RAMOS: Well, I'll help you out.
Let's go.
JON GABRUS: And I know--
TONI RAMOS: Ted?
JON GABRUS: Dean.
TONI RAMOS: Yeah.
We need the room, all right?
JON GABRUS: But I have the room til 4:30.
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: I know you do.
JON GABRUS: I've signed in with the activities
coordinator.
I have the room til 4:30.
JOE WENGERT: He does?
TONI RAMOS: He does.
But just give us five minutes early out so
he can set up, please.
I know you're doing your rants and the world needs to know
about them.
But give us--
JON GABRUS: I mean, I shaved this flavor savor perfectly
for my big debut.
TONI RAMOS: What flavor are you saving?
JON GABRUS: Venison and other meats that I hunt myself.
Look, if you want the room, square--
it's all yours.
JOE WENGERT: I just feel like you could record your YouTube
videos from essentially anywhere at all.
And you keep choosing--
JON GABRUS: But this is where I keep my laptop.
JOE WENGERT: You're using laptops wrong.
You could take laptops anywhere.
You don't have to keep them in--
JON GABRUS: But this is where the outlet is
that I plug my laptop.
What don't you understand about the
world around you, professor?
You could just call yourself professor in
this world and teach.
You know who teaches?
I teach, to the masses, the real word-- the word
of our Lord, me.
ALLAN MCLEOD: What's going on in here?
I've got the room at 4:30.
That's right, me.
Jesse, The Body, Ventura--
former senator, conspiracy-monger.
JON GABRUS: We knew by the confidence and swagger in
which you entered the room that you could
only be Jesse Ventura.
Good to see you again, The Body.
ALLAN MCLEOD: Good to see you.
JON GABRUS: The Mind.
TONI RAMOS: You guys, I must have overbooked the room.
So if we could just have Professor Wengert come in,
just for this Wednesday, not a big deal, and then you guys
can get back again.
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: Yeah you did overbook it.
Because Randy Quaid signed up there.
And I want to talk about how the Hollywood hit mafia is
trying to assassinate us celebrities.
I've been in Canada the last four years.
This is the first time I came down, just to make this video.
TONI RAMOS: You guys can go in the hallway.
I'll show you.
Let me unplug the--
[SCREAMING]
JON GABRUS: Oh, no!
I didn't even save my files.
TONI RAMOS: No.
No, trust me.
I got it.
It's not a big deal.
Here we go, closing it down.
JON GABRUS: But I'm not in the mainframe anymore.
TONI RAMOS: No, it'll work.
Trust me.
JON GABRUS: Mainframe is everywhere.
TONI RAMOS: All right.
All right.
JON GABRUS: That's my mainframe thing.
TONI RAMOS: That's your mainframe thing?
Great.
Awesome.
All right.
So, guys, if you want to follow me.
Mr. Wengert, if you want to get your
class prepped and ready.
JOE WENGERT: Great.
Thank you again.
TONI RAMOS: Absolutely.
JOE WENGERT: You need help with some of that stuff?
JON GABRUS: If you're going to carry the laptop, I think I
can get all the guns.
I'll be all right.
ALLAN MCLEOD: I got to get all my weights.
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: And I left all my "Christmas Vacation"
*** in here.
[APPLAUSE]
ANDY DALY: Hi.
How you doing?
I just want to let you know.
This produce over here, this is all organic.
OK?
And then over here, it's just full of chemicals that will
definitely shut your system down like that.
I'm talking about immediate organ failure.
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: Wow.
You guys have really changed the way
Trader Joe's is organized.
ANDY DALY: Yeah.
We just drew it-- you know, everything used
to be mixed in together.
Now, we just got it real clear.
Organic, you can eat that and live.
Not organic--
immediate organ failure, death upon ingestion.
And it's a little more expensive for the organic.
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: How much are we talking?
Because I'm on a budget.
ANDY DALY: Typically like 25-- oh, hang on.
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: Oh, my god!
TONI RAMOS: [GAGGING]
ANDY DALY: Just want to explain to you.
Over here is organic.
Oh.
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: Am I allowed to just freely sample
like she did?
ANDY DALY: No.
I mean--
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: All right.
What I--
ANDY DALY: Yeah, that was not supposed to happen.
Normally--
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: Great, I'm going to have
to clean that up.
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: OK.
Well, based on this woman's experience, I clearly see the
cons of eating what I'll just call, the death food.
ANDY DALY: That's a fair name for it.
Yeah.
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: But you also said that
this is more expensive.
So I'm torn.
ANDY DALY: It is a little more expensive, typically a markup
of like 25% or more.
That's got be a better way to clean up a dead body.
It's really--
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: He's just hitting that body with a mop.
ANDY DALY: He's just--
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: Yep.
There it goes.
Yep.
ANDY DALY: --trying to push her with a mop.
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: He's got to push it more.
The body is moving towards the mop.
ANDY DALY: Yeah.
JON GABRUS: Need help with this, Tim?
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: Yeah, would you mind?
JON GABRUS: What happened here?
She hit herself on the corner of desk, something like that?
JOE WENGERT: All right.
That's the end of our second set.
[APPLAUSE]
JOE WENGERT: How you guys feeling?
You're still in it with us?
[APPLAUSE]
JOE WENGERT: We're going to do one more set of improv.
So we're going to watch one more YouTube video before we
get into it.
RYKER DUNCAN: Kelsey, you manipulate me.
You manipulate my mind.
You manipulate my heart.
You tell me how you were the one that helped me get through
my dad's death, you were there for me, how I promised my dad
that he would meet the girl of my future before he dies, and
that you were the one.
And then today, you have the audacity to go to someone else
after telling me that you were falling back in love with me.
That *** don't fly with me.
I may have been dating Jess.
I didn't love her and you knew that.
Use your *** mind.
Of course, you don't have one.
They're too *** up with drugs, and alcohol, and all
the other poisoning.
You go out with someone who you said *** you.
You keep getting your heart broke.
Yet you keep going back to the same guy--
same guys over and over and over.
At least I don't do that.
Fact is, you want to manipulate my mind.
You want to manipulate my heart.
You want try to break me down.
It's not going to happen.
I'm a lot smarter than that.
I'm a lot smarter than a lot of people give me credit for.
But if you want to try and destroy me, and go that low,
say, oh I love you, oh, I'm back in love with you, and
you're not, and it's just a lie, do me a favor.
You do those drugs, you do that alcohol, you end up dead,
and you burn.
Burn in hell.
Rest in peace, ***.
[APPLAUSE]
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: All right, YouTube employees.
All right, YouTube employees.
ALLAN MCLEOD: What's going on, I'm excited.
ANDY DALY: Comedy week!
Comedy week!
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: We are doing Comedy Week.
ANDY DALY: Comedy Week!
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: Here's what we got to do.
We need some funny videos to inspire some comics.
ANDY DALY: ***, yeah!
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: Just brainstorm.
What's like the funniest topics you guys can think of?
ANDY DALY: Oh, like the death of your father.
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: OK.
All right, all right, all right, all right.
All right.
That's a little heavy.
That's a little heavy for the first one up.
But we're spit-balling.
No wrong answers, all right?
No wrong answers.
TONI RAMOS: A girl that keeps going back to a guy that says
she's been *** by him.
ANDY DALY: I was hoping you were going to say ***!
TONI RAMOS: Yes!
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: OK.
TONI RAMOS: It's Comedy Week!
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: It is.
OK.
But also, just think like generic, like
broadly fun, silly--
ANDY DALY: Like somebody who's so mentally ill that it's
depressing.
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: OK, yeah.
You can objectively maybe laugh at that.
JOE WENGERT: I have one that I think is pretty funny.
It's a cat, and you don't realize this when
you first watch it.
But the owner's holding its paws out so it looks like it's
playing a keyboard.
And then you find out that cat *** a bunch of other cats.
JON GABRUS: I was not on board at first, and then something
piqued my interest in the middle.
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: I had the exact opposite experience.
I was on board at first, that sounded like a typical, fun
YouTube kind of thing.
And then--
I don't even know how we get that information across there.
The cat ***--
JOE WENGERT: It's my cat.
And it has a problem with raping other cats.
I cannot get it to stop.
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: All right, Drew, you had--
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: What about this?
What if it's like a montage of a bunch of different videos of
people getting kicked in the nuts?
And every time they get kicked in the nuts it plays like a
weird wacky sound effect, like boing?
And then we actually pan out and reveal that this is going
on inside the mind of a man who is giving his suicidal
video into a video blog before he puts a gun in his mouth.
Cries and says, this is for you, Daddy.
And blows his brains out.
ANDY DALY: I like that.
JON GABRUS: I feel like we could lose all the nut kicks,
and just get to the funny stuff right off the bat.
ANDY DALY: Can we just say this for sure?
Let's not show any, any videos where it doesn't feel like at
the end, that person either killed
someone else or himself.
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: I mean, I guess.
I got to be-- so far, I'm closest on board with that
last one, but really in protest.
ANDY DALY: And preferably, we could see the *** weapon in
the shot, if possible--
six or seven of them, swords, or guns, or what have you.
JON GABRUS: What about that channel we have on our site
that is all like diatribes that people are giving right
before they set their cult leader's house on fire?
You know the one, where the people are just talking
directly to the camera as the FBI is coming
in and killing them?
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: Yeah, I did not sign off on
that channel, guys.
JON GABRUS: It's Comedy Week, chief.
It's comedy.
ANDY DALY: Comedy Week.
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: Wait.
I'm sorry.
So is it going to be like-- that's an example of
the video we do?
JON GABRUS: Let's use those videos.
I think those videos are the best.
They're two camera.
And they're people about to be murdered, like
police-assisted suicide.
TONI RAMOS: It's like a quick eight-minute thing and you get
to--there's lots of fun stuff.
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: Let me give you guys an example.
Maybe somebody wearing something kind of interesting,
or like a conversation starter, doing a voice, or an
impression or something?
ANDY DALY: Like a mustache they're too depressed to grow
out all the way.
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: OK.
Yeah, yeah.
All right.
That's fine.
That's in the ballpark.
ANDY DALY: I think we know what we're doing.
[APPLAUSE]
JON GABRUS: If you're nervous at all about giving the
eulogy, I think you'll be fine.
Just, if you can--
the last one was super intense when Mom died.
So OK?
Just keep it low key, light, maybe one anecdote, one joke.
And I'll be up here to support you.
TONI RAMOS: Thank you.
Thank you so much.
JON GABRUS: And just remember, not too much.
TONI RAMOS: Thank you all for coming to my *** of a
mother's funeral.
She was a real woman.
I loved her so much because that fat, *** ***
wouldn't do anything.
And that's when I learned to be a real woman.
JON GABRUS: Toni!
Toni.
TONI RAMOS: What's up?
It went all black and then I just started going.
JON GABRUS: The services will continue in a moment.
This always happens at funerals.
You went a little dark.
You used the C-word
TONI RAMOS: ***?
JON GABRUS: That's the C-word I was referring to.
TONI RAMOS: I didn't know if it was cancer.
JON GABRUS: Yeah.
ALLAN MCLEOD: Boo.
Let's do the eulogy some more.
Boo.
JON GABRUS: Sir, could you take the Solo
cup off your mouth?
We couldn't hear you.
ALLAN MCLEOD: Boo.
JON GABRUS: I think he wants more of the eulogy.
Just light, light.
ALLAN MCLEOD: Tell a funny story.
JON GABRUS: Thank you, sir.
TONI RAMOS: Uncle Jimmy--
a funny story.
When I was five, I started ballet and have
continued on since.
And the first day of ballet class, I remember, I got out
of the car.
I was so excited.
My mom grabbed my face.
And she took her cigarette with her shaky hand.
And she burned my cheek.
And she said, you *** dance.
Dance, little baby, dance.
Mama's gonna go get drunk.
Mama's gonna get drunk and--
JON GABRUS: All right.
All right!
Toni!
Toni, I let you hang out there.
I thought that story was going to take a--
TONI RAMOS: It got so black.
And then I got dizzy and then I didn't know what happened.
JON GABRUS: Well, what happened was you told the
dance, you baby, dance story.
TONI RAMOS: Oh, my mom.
JON GABRUS: I know, she was so--
TONI RAMOS: That was my first burn she gave me.
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: Boo, we want more eulogy.
Not clearly videos stolen from Comedy Week.
JOE WENGERT: Hey, Tina?
Can I ask you a question?
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: Sure.
JOE WENGERT: I heard that you, uh, you passed around a
birthday card for Jerry's birthday.
But you didn't come by and ask me to sign it.
And I just wanted to let you know that ***
don't fly with me.
If we are going to celebrate someone's birthday in this
office, I better to be an integral part of that
celebration.
Because if I find out about it, that ***
don't fly with me.
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: Tuck, two things--
number one, I am so sorry.
And number two, you are doing great for your first week as
an intern here.
JOE WENGERT: I know I've only been here a week.
But Jerry and I have shared a couple of fun moments.
And I would have very easily been able to reference one of
those moments into a message on his birthday card that
would have made his birthday brighter.
But then what do I find?
I got a *** knife stuck in my back by you, Tina.
ALLAN MCLEOD: Hey, man.
I'm sorry.
I forgot to give you the paper clips back earlier.
I borrowed them.
I used a lot of them.
But I meant to give them back to you sooner than now.
But anyway, sorry about that, man.
Been a real busy day.
JOE WENGERT: You used a bunch of my paper clips?
ALLAN MCLEOD: Yeah, but--
JOE WENGERT: I'm confused.
I though you were just going to borrow them, and you said
you'd be right back with them.
ALLAN MCLEOD: Yeah, yeah.
Well, when they've all been processed I'll-- if it's an
important to you I'll try to gather those paper clips back
and return them to you.
JOE WENGERT: It's just that my whole thing is you're going to
come over here, and take my supplies and tell me that one
thing's going to happen with them.
And then I come to find out that a completely different
thing has happened with them.
And also, you're giving me a timetable.
And then you might as well just not even bother to do
that because it doesn't mean a *** thing.
That *** don't fly with me, OK?
ANDY DALY: Hey, you know, it Friday.
I think we're all just going to knock
off around 3:00 today.
I know we talked about staying until 4:30 or 5:00.
We're all going to leave at 3:00.
Cool?
JOE WENGERT: I might need to sit down for this one.
ANDY DALY: What's up?
No, we're all just going to head out at 3:00.
Just going to take off a little early.
JON GABRUS: Here's your chair.
Here's your chair.
JOE WENGERT: Thank you.
JON GABRUS: You're welcome, please.
ANDY DALY: Just because Monday's a holiday, figured
give everybody a jump on the--
JOE WENGERT: When I got up this morning, I said, I'm
going to go in.
Get into the office around 9 o'clock like I normally do.
ANDY DALY: Yeah, that was great.
We saw you at 9:00.
Great.
JOE WENGERT: And I was like, maybe I'll hang out with my
buddies tonight.
Maybe I'll go out and hang out with the gang.
ANDY DALY: That sounds great.
JOE WENGERT: And I said you know what, I'll just send them
all an email.
Maybe we'll meet up later.
What time am I going to put in the email?
Well, clearly I'll put around 5 o'clock.
Because I know that the work day here ends around 5
o'clock, at the earliest, 4:30.
And if for some godforsaken reason, the powers that be
decide that we're going to just shirk our
responsibilities and *** off at 3 o'clock, I, as an
employee, will be made aware of such a decision.
But that hasn't happened.
So I know that the day ahead of me is going to be smooth
sailing with what I normally expect, working from 9 o'clock
til 5:00 PM.
ANDY DALY: You can stay til 5:00.
JOE WENGERT: Oh, OK.
No problem.
[APPLAUSE]
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: Here we are in hell.
It's every bit as horrible as I would have imagined.
What did you do to get here?
ALLAN MCLEOD: I had some of that alcohol.
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: Yeah?
ALLAN MCLEOD: Yeah.
I had some of that alcohol.
JON GABRUS: Welcome to hell, boys.
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: Are you, uh--
JON GABRUS: Yeah, I'm one of the devil's sidekicks, if you
can call me that.
I funnel his diarrhea every day.
It's part of the hell gig.
Look, ah--
ALLAN MCLEOD: Out of-- out of him?
Or into him?
JON GABRUS: Yeah, out of him into my mouth.
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: Really?
JON GABRUS: Like, beer funnel.
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: Because I would think a sidekick would
be like a position of like, you're a step above the people
that are prisoners here.
JON GABRUS: And of course as you know, it's part of hell.
You should probably know this.
But "Toonami" is cancelled.
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: Come on.
ALLAN MCLEOD: This really is hell!
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: What are they going
to show in its place?
JON GABRUS: There's a couple of different programs they
might be airing.
There might be the John Wayne Crazy hour.
It's a pun on Gacey.
Give me a second.
I'm trying to think of some.
ALLAN MCLEOD: You shouldn't have to think of--I mean, they
already exist.
JON GABRUS: Yeah, yeah.
They all-- but you know, also, I've had a steady diet of the
devil's diarrhea for the last infinity amount of years.
So if you can cut me a little slack here.
There is the, it's the Child Abuse Power Hour, or like that
Power Child Abuse Hour.
I don't remember the exact--
ALLAN MCLEOD: Well, I like those names.
JON GABRUS: But more importantly, the worst part
about hell is that "Toonami" has been canceled.
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: Look, I'm not 100% sure I belong here.
The only thing that I ever did in my life was I broke up with
my boyfriend.
And I'm going through everything.
He was really upset.
Like, he was really, really mad.
JON GABRUS: Why did you break up with him?
Was it because--
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: He was crazy.
He was like a crazy guy.
He was really weird.
He was totally different from the point that I met him until
the point when I decided to break up with him.
JON GABRUS: You broke up with him because he *** you, and
that was like a known thing around the school?
ALLAN MCLEOD: We're dealing with like hell-type stuff
here, so we're assuming it was a pretty severe breakup.
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: Yeah, sorry.
Wait, wait.
If he *** me, then I would go to hell for
breaking up with him?
JON GABRUS: Well, I'm not saying that.
ALLAN MCLEOD: You might have been asking for it.
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: I'm not a planet.
ALLAN MCLEOD: That's too far in hell?
JON GABRUS: In hell, that's a little touchy.
ALLAN MCLEOD: That's crossing the line?
MIKE LEFFINGWELL: No, just, nothing happened specifically.
I just broke up with him.
Because I was like, I don't want to be
involved with this guy.
He's just weird.
JON GABRUS: OK.
I'm really sorry I came over here.
JOE WENGERT: I was going to run out and grab lunch for
everybody down here in hell.
I was going to go to McDonald's.
Do you guys want McRibs?
ALLAN MCLEOD: McRib is back?
JOE WENGERT: Just kidding.
There's no McRibs ever in hell.
[YELLING]
DREW DIFONZO MARKS: That's our show!
[APPLAUSE]
ALLAN MCLEOD: Good night everybody.
Thanks for watching.
Thanks for watching.
Appreciate it.
JOE WENGERT: Guys, thanks a lot for
watching UCB Comedy Live.
Please come back tomorrow night for stand-up night at
the same YouTube, wherever you're
watching this on the internet.
Thanks a lot.
[ROCK MUSIC]
ANNOUNCER: Tomorrow night on Comedy Week Live, it's all the
fun of a comedy club with none of the chicken fingers.
Tune in for stand up from Jim Hamilton, Iliza Shlesinger,
Brody Stevens, Ron Funches, Todd Womack, Kyle Dunnigan,
and Sean Patton.
Tomorrow on Comedy Week Live.
[MUSIC PLAYING]