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*applause*
Erectile dysfunction.
It's not that hard, is it?
I ran over a squirrel on my way here.
I guess god needed another angel.
When my mom closes her eyes to fall asleep,
she doesn't count sheep.
She counts calories.
When my dad closes his eyes to fall asleep
he doesn't count sheep.
He shoots them.
My dad said
he's not ashamed of me
he's ashamed WITH me.
My parents say you should learn from your mistakes.
I think that's why they keep calling me.
*laughter*
They also say you should learn from your problems...
and that's why I call them back.
I can't eat honey bunches of oats because I'm cluster-phobic.
I got my drug test results back today.
They found traces of the god particle in my urine and failed me for doing god speed.
This isn't a joke.
This is more of a fun fact.
Did you know that slavery would both create jobs and improve our economy?
If that offended you, it's your own fault 'cause I didn't say who the slaves would be.
Although, it will probably be the Mexicans.
OR the Jews. Who knows? God will decide. Let Jesus take the wheel.
I told a homeless man a knock knock joke and he didn't get it.
*laughter*
Today I realized that
Kim Jong-un
and the Pope have a lot
in common.
They're both humble.
They were both chosen by god.
They have huge parades and ceremonies.
And they both wear gold and live in mansions while millions of their followers starve.
That's not a joke either; that's just sad.
Did you know that in the Koran
they promise Islamic martyrs 72 virgins?
That sounds great.
But, sometimes I wonder if the virgins mind being *** by a terrorist.
Women aren't crazy - we're not crazy.
We just need reassurance that you'll never look at that *** again
or I'll SHOW you crazy.
Stand-up is my second favorite thing to do when I have an electric stick in my hand.
*laughter*
L-Ladies?
If we keep saying we have to "freshen up"
then our lovers will start choosing us based on who stays fresh the longest.
A man in Korea married a body pillow.
We can't let things like this happen or soon we'll all be marrying pillows!
Or goats!
I know it's true because Bill O'Reilly said it.
I get really offended by gay jokes because all my ex boyfriends are gay.
*laughter*
I went on a cruise last week. It was really fun. I learned a lot.
For example, when your cruise ship breaks down, every deck is the poop deck.
*laughter*
On my way back,
the airport security guard took all my medication and now he's dead.
Is "Lucifer"
a boy's name or a girl's name? I can't find it in my baby naming book.
Homeless people can't dance to house music.
Nike should never sponsor the suicide hotline.
Just do it...
Ok, thanks for coming out guys! I'm Sara Battinos.