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The most embarrassing thing about music is the face I make while playing it. But I often
get very nervous before playing for others; I remember my first piano recital, where I
couldn't stop shaking until I lay my hands on the keys.
I must believe this anxiety is inherent, rather than conditioned; pretty much everyone in my family has no trouble
performing. Additionally, music has been a significant part of me from an early age;
I have no idea why I get nervous about it, I just do.
This lack of reason was music to me for a while; I didn't care why it worked, just that
it did. I approached it with reckless abandon; I played whatever instrument was in front
of me, and learned it simplistically.
This was completely fine for rock music; the genre
itself is based on feel rather than intricacy, so I was satisfied with myself for a while.
The straightforward became somewhat of a conundrum when I decided to learn to play guitar; however,
the easy approach fit well for a time, and I was even able to learn to play the bass
in a similar fashion. But the guitar tossed me so much mystery;
there were levels upon levels there to understand. It doesn't fit in with orchestral instruments;
it wasn't created to slide logically into a niche. My craving for complexity is daily
satiated by it; I find happiness by spending more time with it than without it.
Sometimes, I get really paranoid about spending the rest of my life doing the same thing,
but if it's music, that doesn't bother me. The face I make while I play looks like anger
or boredom. It isn't. It is the face of someone concentrating on something to such a degree
that he dares not move, not even just enough to smile. Music makes me happy to the point
where expressing that emotion is a chore, because I'm too busy feeling it.