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Today I'm going to talk to you about millennials. No matter what generation you're from, where
you live, or what you do for work, you need to know how to deal with this growing segment
of the adult population. Maybe you're looking to hire millennials and you can't figure out
what motivates them as employees. Maybe you've got a new boss who's a millennial, and you
want to learn how to impress him. Maybe you've got millennial children, or a millennial dad.
Well, odds are I can't answer all your individual questions, but what I can do is provide you
with a thorough overview to help you understand the basics.
In this first section, we need to answer the most fundamental question: what is a millennial,
anyway? Now, no one really knows for sure, which is why this is such a tricky topic for
so many.
Instead of coming up with a specific definition, let's look at a few examples of famous millennials.
We've got Mark Zuckerberg, from the Social Network... Selena Gomez, from music... Kim
Jong Un, the Supreme Leader of North Korea... Schroeder, from music... and pro-slavery agrarian
Democrat John C. Calhoun. Now you may have noticed there's only one woman in this set
of examples, vs. four men, and you might be wondering why this is. Well, look a little
more closely, and you'll see there is actually a second woman here. It's Joyce Carol Oates,
and she was behind Schroeder.
Now that we're beginning to understand what a millennial is, let's learn how to talk to
one.
Here comes a millennial now. How should we approach him?
Some people will tell you the first thing you should do is yell at the millennial, directly
in his face, as loudly as you can. That's one approach, and it may help you to establish
an initial connection, but it's not the only acceptable option. You may also want to try
one of these introductory questions in your normal speaking voice:
"Can you show me how to turn on this iPad?" "Have you heard the new Knopfler LP?"
"How much Dogecoin do you charge for a ride on your helicopter parents?"
Any of these should be sufficient to get a conversation going. At this point, there are
some key rules you'll have to keep in mind:
1. Don't talk down to the millennial 2. Don't make eye contact with the millennial
3. Answer all questions with a wan smile and tuneless whistling, nothing verbal
4. Find a good moment to hug the millennial tightly and offer a heartfelt apology for
9/11 5. Note the millennial's serial number, in
case you need to report it to the authorities (the number is usually located on the lower
left molar)
If the conversation goes well, the millennial may appear to offer you a gift -- for example,
a pumpkin spice latte, or a free copy of Minecraft. Do not accept this, it is intended ironically.
Instead, slap the millennial across the face and insult its work ethic.
You will now find yourself running away from the millennial. While you can't outrun him,
you can outsmart him. Be creative: leave a trail of oil behind you and light in on fire;
climb a tree (millennials hate trees and cannot look up); or take a hostage (preferably Ben
Gibbard).
Follow these simple steps, and you'll be chatting away with local millennials in no time.
Now we get to the part I suspect many of you have been waiting for: how to build your first
millennial. I'm assuming you've already gone to Home Depot and you have all your supplies
and tools ready. So, let's begin.
As with most generations, a millennial starts with bones. Ideally you have a full skeleton
in front of you, but if not just work with what you have and fill in any gaps with pipe
cleaners. Next, you'll need to build a solid wooden shell to keep the bones protected.
A nice cedar should be just fine. Go with whatever shape you prefer for your shell,
but be sure to leave an opening on top.
OK, so now what you want to do is fill your millennial with water, so it can think. Go
ahead and pour a few gallons right into the top of the shell, and stop when it's about
three-quarters of the way full.
With that done we have to start picking up the pace a little bit, because if we don't
get the lid on within about 40 seconds, the millennial will begin panicking and we'll
have to start over. So put that lid on and fasten it really tight, with rope or a belt.
Now it's time to add hair. Just stick it right on.
Congratulations! You've made your first millennial, and he's a beaut. What should we call this
one? Davib?
Go rake some leaves, Davib.
Next time, on Understanding Millennials part 2, I'll teach you about what happens to millennials
when they die. Here's a hint: no God of man will have them!
Thank you for watching!