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I love you, Bella
Twilight
Twilight... Oh, Twilight
The most memorable book for teenagers after Harry Potter
And the one that ruined the most the worldwide youth
I read it… I read it, and I saw it…
And I got upset.
I felt pain
It hurt!
And I'm gonna tell you why
Stephenie Meyer, the writer, she's really smart
Look what she did...
She decided to created a book where in only one character
She would put all women's insecurities
ALL OF THEM!
And her goal was very simple...
Make all women in the world identify with her main character
Of course!
So she reaches, mainly, the girl that dreams to be popular but isn't
The chubby one, with no friends, sad
But, at the same time, she's able to reach the popular ones, the pretty hot ones
Because they're very insecure too
And in Bella they can see the same insecurities
"Do people think I'm pretty?"
"Am I hot?"
"Does any man look at me?"
This type of girl is fully reached by Bella Swan
With Bella, none of those insecurities matter...
Because, even tho, she's weird and has nothing special...
She gets her Prince Charming
The guy that transforms all her insecurities, fears, and her *** life...
in something amazing, incredible, loving, and woow
So, then the book's message is "No matter what your insecurities and fears are..."
"A Prince Charming will show up in your life"
But in the real world, in our regular lifes, of course you can wait for your Prince Charming...
But you're gonna end up fat, lonely, ***, with a room full on Twilight posters
And you'll smell bad...
Cause real women don't like Twilight
The story wasn't made for a independent women...
It's just for little girls
Or boys that want to be girls...
Your age doesn't really matter, what matters is your mental age...
Even if you're fifty, if you love Twilight,
it means you're mental age is the same as a 13 years old *** girl
You're silly, and don't know anything about life
The same type of girl that will like Justin Bieber and stupid bands
When you're addicted to Twilight... I need to be honest
This is how the world sees you:
Vampires! Vampiress! OMG! Edward, Edward! Vampires!
Vampire?
Shut the *** up!
I honestly don't understand how people won't notice how pathetic is this story, dude!
Let's do a brief summary of what is Twilight...
We have three main characters
Bella
That has no beauty, isn't hot or smart, that it totally unattractive to a man at first sight
Then we have Edward
The vampire, with a 100 years old, ***, that falls in love with a high school girl...
And she's almost 90 years younger than him
And Jacob, that is the wolf that never uses a shirt in this *** movie
Only so stupid girls can scream in the movie theater
And he *** up with the gay vampire's life
Then, the story starts, and Bella, that represents all women in the world with their fears and frustrations
Goes to the high school in the city that she moved to and finds her Prince Charming...
The guy that no girl could get, suddenly he falls madly for Bella
WITHOUT A *** REASON!
They're love starts from out of nowhere!
They look at each other and then it's done, it's ***
That doesn't exist!
First, that isn't a vampire, vampires don't feel like we humans do
Vampires are creatures from the underworld who are already dead
And just have the need to feed themselves, proliferate, and have pleasure
So it isn't like Stephanie created a new vampire, that falls in love, no, ***!
NO, you can't do that! Vampire is a creature that already exists, they aren't capable of loving
PERIOD.
If you want to create a *** vampire story, write a real vampire story
Don't write a story about your dirty teenager vampire dreams
A vampire falling in love for you is the same thing as you falling in love for a cow
But, whatever, they fall in love
And then we have one of the best dialogues of history.
"I have killed people, Bella"
"It doesn't matter"
"I already wanted to kill you"
"I trust you"
Huh? What?
Girls, "Jack the Ripper", please, don't trust a killer
Unlike the book, you're gonna end up *** and dead
"Bella, you are my life now"
You don't have a life, you damn fart from hell!
The love between the two is so intense, that it becomes pathetic
The girl becomes completely dependent to the little vampire
And the girls think it's normal to depent on your Prince Charming
To have a life where every decision that you make you depent on the guy
So, he's a Prince that boss you around, controls you, and decides everything that you do
And to show that he's superior, right after they fall in love and she finds out that he's a vampire...
He decides to show her how awesome he is
And how much she need to fear him, cause he's *** scary, you know?
*** vampire
Then he demostrates how awesome he is and he says
"As if you could run faster than me"
He starts running like an ***
"As if you could fight me"
And then it's amazing, to show that he's strong, he grabs a tree branch and throws it at a rock
What?
Way to go, ***! You are so *** great!
I'm so freaking scared of you
Anyway, after all this, Stephanie decides that isn't enough to *** vampire's stories up
She decides to also *** the werewolf's stories up
So she creates the werewolf's clan, and Jacob
That apparently is supposed to represent the manly side of Edward...
So Bella can fall in love for a real man and not a woman
But the werewolfs in this story are so freaking funny...
The werewolf is known for being full of hair, for being manly and ugly, kind of disgusting, angry
But, to Stephanie it isn't like that
The werewolf is a shaved guy
Son of a ***! The guy doesn't have a single hair!
And they don't wear shirts, it's prohibited to wear shirt in Stephanie's story
So is like "It's *** cold, but I have to take my shirt of so I can make the girls scream in the movies
If you scream when you see Jacob without a shirt, you are definitely a ***...that's it.
If you are not a sex *** you are a mind ***
I don't know what that means, but *** off
And then as soon as Jacob is in the story, we really see how gay Edward is...
Bella becomes a little ***
Jacob becomes the manwhore
And again everyone is wondering why Jacob likes the *** Bella
Stephanie wasn't happy with only one Prince she needed two.
Even tho Bella has nothing special...
Just like you who likes Twilight, yeah, you... sorry.
Then we see the most genious scene of the history of cinema:
Bella is in a tent, freezing
And she's going to die, because it's really cold and there's a lot of snow...
She's in the tent with Edward and Jacob, who's outside protecting them...
So, Jacob, who's a ***, has the idea to hug Bella and transfer his body heat to her
And Edward lets him!
Then the dude comes, shirtless, all like "I'm gonna hug your girl"...
Lies on the bed with her, hugging her...
And Edwards stays watching it...
Then it comes the worst part, they bought start talking after Bella falls asleep...
And Edward says...
"In a certain way, I'm glad you're here"
***!
***!
The dude is lying in bed with your girl, shirtless, almost naked... in bed, with your girl
hugging her, he's with his *** toucing your girl's back and you say you're happy?
SON OF A ***!
I give up! This is ***! How can a woman accept this *** story?
And right after that, it comes a scene that makes us laugh cause we're embarrased and sorry of this story
Edward takes Bella to bed, and she begs him to *** her
And he's says no
He says he wants to wait for the marriage...
Son of a ***
When I saw that in the movies I started laughing so hard, and everyone started laughing with me...
Because not even the fans could take that scene...son of a ***
Go act gay like that in your mother's ***!
But now I understand, Edward is a really smart guy, really smart, I know what he wants now
Actually, he only says that to Bella, that he wants to wait until marriage and she's a finally a vampire...
Because he's insecure, and doesn't want her to find out the reality behind his excuses...
Because, I'm sure, I'm so sure, that when they finally go to bed, he's going to ask for a ground wire
And when she's already married and a vampire, she's going to say "oh, whatever, *** off"
"I'll put my finger in the *** of this ***, because... whatever, I'm already married, already vampire, not gonna say no now..."
That's it Edward, you won't fool me, all you want is a warm finger in your cold ***...
And you knew, if you asked before she would probably say no, cancel all this ***, and go *** Jacob
I got you, huh
I don't have to swallow it...
And I'm not even gonna mention that he shines in the sun
I'm gonna leave now, before I break my *** camera
Thank you
And watch my *** last video
Son of a ***, Edward my ***, *** youth, *** stupid teenagers...SON OF A ***
***!
*** YOU! TWILIGHT MY BALLS!