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Hey folks, I’m Max.
Catch me on Twitter at LazyMovieNerd.
There is one thing that I really hate, and that is bait-and-switch.
Kind of like on dating sites when you chat with a woman who, in her photos, looks like
Heather Locklear, but when you meet her it’s actually Donald Trump.
So, the trailers for Proud Mary led me to believe that I walking into a female-led John
Wick, or at least something like Death Wish, where the main character is on a crusade to
kill as many bad guys as possible.
Sounds awesome, right?
The actual movie is none of that.
There is very little action…
2 mediocre action scenes and a couple more really quick ones.
That’s it.
The rest of the movie is slow and boring.
This film is 88 minutes long – less than an hour and a half – and it felt like it
went on forever.
So, if it’s not an actioner, then what is it?
It’s like a bad Nicolas Cage crime drama.
Only worse.
This movie takes itself so seriously that the only feeling that I had after watching
it was anger.
During this movie, I smiled once.
Once.
There was only ONE thing that I liked about this film: some of the soundtrack.
Great songs like CCR’s Proud Mary and other 70s classics redone as Motown or disco.
The opening credits are also styled to be all disco.
The rest of the soundtrack was generic straight-to-DVD cheap music.
All right, so before I go on, I will say that I can’t talk about a movie THIS bad without
spoilers.
So, spoilers ahead!
The main character is a hitman or rather hitwoman.
Whatever nomenclature you prefer on using.
She’s not some bad-*** crime fighter or John Wick type of assassin.
She’s just your average mob enforcer.
She kills some *** and then realizes that he had a son.
Overcome with guilt, she takes the kid under her wing.
Some stupid *** happens, the kid gets kidnapped by the mob and she rescues him.
They drive away.
This kind of story has been done and redone so many times.
Most of them way better than this.
There’s obviously Leon the Professional, Safe, and probably some other Jason Statham
movies that I’m forgetting, and more.
Now, I’d be a bit more forgiving to this film, if it was marketed like what it was.
But even without that, this film is so horribly uneven, badly written, and downright lazy.
The kid starts out as a pain-in-the-*** unruly urchin, and then suddenly he isn’t.
There is no arc and no transition.
The mob are pissed off because some guy got killed and they don’t know that Mary killed
him.
And then that plotline gets forgotten.
Mary doesn’t want the kid to know about her business, and then she suddenly cries
to him about how the mob won’t let her leave.
And these are just the most blatant inconsistencies and holes in the plot.
The main mob boss is played by Danny Glover, who looks like he’d rather be somewhere
else.
Anywhere else.
He mumbles through his lines without even the smallest attempt at emoting.
He checked out of this movie even before it started.
This movie is SO bad, in SO many ways, that I can’t think of any changes that could
have improved it.
Just kill it with fire as Ashley, the Movie Oracle, would say.
So, in case I wasn’t clear in this.
This movie sucks and you shouldn’t waste your time on it.
That’s it.
Click the thumbs up below, because you’re awesome like that.
And click that subscribe button if you think that I’m awesome.
I’m Max and I’ll see you later.