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I'm Benjy. I'm working as a medical social worker in a hospital, and I'm here today to
talk about death.
He's a primary school-kind of age. He has
this very rare condition that would slowly render him... slowly at the start he couldn't
do a lot of things like other kids, like run around, eat on his own... to eventually not
being able to maybe breathe on his own, and eventual death.
So I think for... I remember this particular family really well because the parents at
the start were finding it incredibly, incredibly difficult to accept this.
So when their child was...
well, given the timeline of saying that, 'ok,
this happens, when you start noticing that he cannot walk properly and things like that,
then that's when you know the clock starts ticking.
And at the start, there was a lot of crying, naturally.
There were a lot of questions why
do these things happen and all that kind of thing.
And I thought what was difficult for this set of parents at the start, was both mother
and father couldn't really talk to each other about their child, their child's condition, how
bad their child's condition was, so each parent was basically left to figure things out by
themselves. Not because they were... they didn't have
a good relationship or they were selfish, or they were always arguing with each other.
They were very loving as a couple. But when it comes to their child, it almost
becomes like... this is not something that we talk about.
So maybe it's because of taboo, but to me, I thought it was just basically something
that naturally is very difficult to face. It's almost as if talking about it makes it
more true.
And when talking about it makes it more true,
then the pain will start to come as well.
Thankfully over time they started to talk
to each other about it. And what was really useful was actually them
being one day ready to talk about how they would like their child to live out the rest
of his life, and eventually how he would like, they would like him to pass away.
So, quite similar to what you would call Advanced Medical Directive (AMD) where you decide what
treatments you want or what treatments you don't want.
And... it's not something that we can just talk about
it right at the start. People need to come to a stage of acceptance,
a degree of acceptance before they can talk about it.
I think it took almost two years, or actually three years before they were eventually ready
to actually start talking about it.
And...
I think when people don't talk about it with each other, especially for mum and dad, in this
case, about their child... Or in other cases where I have patients who
are elderly, but their children find it so difficult tot talk to them about it.
But when we talk to the elderly about it, they're quite candid, you know, in saying
that, "Yeah, I want to know... this is how I want
to actually pass away. This is the photo that I want to use during
my funeral. This is what some of the things that I think
I want to happen during my funeral or during the wake..."
you know, and things like that. But I think it's always more difficult to
accept it when people don't want to talk to each other.
Especially talk to another loved one about it.
And so for these parents, there was a long period of time where it was basically isolation,
so it's almost as if when it come to this topic,
it's a stranger in the house. And I think that also affected the way they
spent alone time with each other, which is also very important, I think, in a couple.
Or in some of the other situations, some of the other cases,
where it becomes... if you are very uncomfortable about it, then you would find it so difficult
to actually spend time with the person who is actually dying.
Because it's almost as if there is nothing else to talk about, like, you have to talk
about death itself.
If you're not comfortable the room just turns quiet.
And that can be a very lonely feeling for
not only the patient themselves, but also for the other people in the room, or the other
people in the family and friends etc. So to me, I think...
I think the worst thing about death is being alone in the entire process.
Whether is it at death, or whether is it preparing for death.
I think of all things, just like the birth of the child...
It should never be done alone. And...
So I think, for people who are in a similar situation
and things like that, there isn't any right way to deal or accept death.
No one's says things like, "Oh if you don't accept death or that you're going to die,
or that you don't accept that your loved one is going to die in the next six months, if
you take longer than that, means there's something wrong with you."
I don't think it works like that. But I think what's most important is that
no matter how long it takes, or what way that you take...
don't do it alone.
It's the worst possible kind of feeling that anyone can have.