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so I watched
the Grammys tonight which is pretty
uncharacteristic of me because I'm
I don't think I'm what you would call a lover of music
Um, I love songs
and there's certain artists like Patti Labelle
I mean they've changed my life I absolutely love them
but I'm not up on the latest
artists and the latest songs I couldn't recite lyrics to you or
really much of anything of that nature so
watching the Grammys was kinda weird for me
cuz its you know it's out of character
but I did and I'm not sorry I did
and the thing that
everybody in the blogosphere world will be talking about
tomorrow is Rihanna
sitting next to Chris Brown and
I put up a status on facebook for those of you who
follow me on Twitter saw it because my Twitter and my Facebook are linked
and I said "Dear
Rihanna and Chris Brown fans, just because he's not beating her ***
doesn't mean your ex won't beat yours again. Some friendly advice."
I realize
that that may have been somewhat harsh
um, I'm okay with that
but I do realize it and it got me to thinking tonight because
people, young people
in their twenties started quoting
apparently a Rihanna song you know what's love without tragedy
and and the younger generation
also have clamored to say that you know sometimes love is pain and
I'm so happy that they're together as as though this is behavior that is
worthy of emulation and
that's kinda what prompted me to post that status
I have wondered
ever since I stated it in I
believe my first video of 2013 that
how I was going to you broach
the topic of my
PTSD my post
traumatic stress disorder a
psychological disorder
for which there is minimal treatment
and no known cure but is
acknowledged as a viable
medical/psychological condition
I wondered if I was going to make it
incredibly dramatic with an intro and
Deft editing
and I can't do any of that.
It all feels wrong so
here we are and I guess
now is as good a time as any I guess and as ready
as I'm ever going to be to talk about it. This is something that my family
doesn't know
life friends don't know people didn't you you really have to be in my
innermost circle and even some of them don't know.
Many people who spend
a significant amount of time with me
wonder work or
or you know hypothesize that something's wrong
but the simply don't know
my PTSD kicked in
I wanna see five years ago
I'm but it is an accumulation
have traumas it is as the result of an accumulation of trimers
that I face starting from
twelve-years-old on
up through my twenties to about
27 um
and and some a bit I think that you guys
will be able to figure out on your own obviously
the the the *** assault that I
well repeated *** assault but I survived
on what would really
and that that greatly should be there but we really kicked into high gear
was the relationship a relationship that I
have never talked about on the weighty
that I was in a romantic relationship
and I guess there's there's a couple reasons why I've never talked about it
and summer that really is the PTSD because there is a fear
that there could be back glass because this this
individual that I'm speaking of his alive and well
well alive I can't beat as whether or not he's well
um and and so there's this sort have
although we're in two very different states there is an irrational
fear that there will be
repor cousins as a result of this conversation
and I will not walk
in 2013 living in fear so
and bring this to you now I have to give up in a minute
I was the hardest part because I do these things so off-the-cuff
I guess I can call him Jerome
Jerome and I the circumstances under which we met
are are kinda maybe that's giving away two misinformation goddesses
thought about this first but needless to say
we met when David and I work on a break
and he was not from Boston but that's where I was living in he came up to
Boston
and subsequently ended up moving in with me
and without going to crazily into the ins and outs that this relationship
on it was abusive
it was abusive in in every
permutation of the word that
a person could surmise I mean
emotionally psychologically physically
sexually it was abusive
and there were times
and it really is the physical abuse that
planted the seed for post-traumatic stress
I'm there were times when
he would beat me
so badly that
I prayed I would literally be on the floor
with my hands over my head trading
he would kill me and get it over with
and
and I would never fight back I would never fight back because it was
classic battered woman syndrome
in so far as the idea I can't hurt someone that I love
even if I'm defending myself and when you couple that with the battered
women's syndrome there's this mentality that
70 if I'm getting here it's because I've done something wrong
this is my fault if I the
or say for acted or
fill in the blank differently
then this would not be happening to me since I didn't
it it's see that's how they get you that the psychosis think
that comes with those kind of relationships
during the course that relationship I was
I was be with objects
I was staffed and
my my main trigger
came as a result a incident where
I run into the bathroom to hide
during one particularly violent episode
and he kicked that door to the bathroom
in and pushed me
*** over teakettle I mean head over heels
into the shower
and turned the shower on seizes
he turned it on scalding hot
and burned
commute sec ago
I'm and so as a result of that
wanna my my primary triggers
is the sour I find it difficult
step in Sioux
the shower because
I have flashbacks and in my mind
crazy though it might sound
I am waiting for the door to burst open
and for him to in again and that is essentially
with with how PTSD can present itself
and I'm saying this for people that don't know exact within that there are
those of you out there
who are just not aware of it um
people with PTSD
typically don't sleep at night be typically have nightmares
and I'm for flashbacks and we
all its kinda the tie that binds us all we all have peace emotional triggers
I'm where ace sent or
a person or word for a place
can click on the memory
love the trauma and in that moment where
reliving it we're experiencing it as though it's happening
right then and there sometimes I'll be in my head
you know just thinking and one
Werder one thought will travel to another thoughtful travels with her
and suddenly I'm I'm back in that place and I literally have to
alfavilli up work something out its almost like Tourette's where
I just saw a half-truth pizza to bring myself back to
the current state of where I am um
I am NOT being medicated for this right now
I've ya getting all my business tonight
I've tried different medications I've been placed on different medications
and a I very sensitive body and and a side effect sometimes I just kinda crazy
for me
a.m. so
I try to keep myself Kong
and not not be in situations where
experience flashbacks um
showering is a struggle for me
a lot of times I just get a must have been a think
and keep the door wide open and
and that you know is easier than trying to actually stay and
in a shower um
if if got to be so
generous as the blessed me with the gun out that will allow me to have like a
Jacuzzi
bathtub something big and wide open
like I wouldn't have a problem sitting in a bathtub but its standing in the
shower
that really gets me I'm and services
this is what I deal with there's other stuff too
I mean you know I have trouble going to movie theaters
if trigger sitting in a movie theater is a trigger for me
because I'm I I had a *** my
my first *** assault occurred in a movie theater down the street from my
house
watching Batman Returns I'm
I N and for the record
I i really am coming to a point cuz I could draw this out for
hours but I'm saying I love this to say:
I'm you know watching
the younger generation tonight applauded Chris Brown and Rihanna's
reunion and a public display
love solidarity really did get me thinking
now I am NOT going to be the one to say shame on you re on a this is a horrible
thing that you're doing and
think I've the children all that
that's not my place to say nobody knows
miss the point that I really want to get across nobody knows
what happened if the car
on that fateful evening that resulted in
a in the
assault on Rihanna we only see the aftermath we don't know the specifics
where I can speak from experience is that in your twenties
in your childhood 30 2008 you're really taught to
follow your heart
its its life experience and your thirties
will really teach you to follow your heart
after having a long conversation with your head
and my hope in my fervent prayer is that we on a date
um and so whatever is working for them
I hope that it works but
Vieth dynamics it never
ever be the litmus test by which we judge
all potential reconciliations where physical abuse has taken place
really any kind of abuse has taken place
let me clarify um because
8 if this is to work it will be
a very very very
a typical situation
I'll the relationship between myself and your own lasted
home 6
months seven months
by the grace of God I found my way out of it
and ended up going back to David and you'll know how that turned out
but lesser of the two evils um
but
this scars left
on me by that relationship
are not
just physical
I wasn't born with this disorder
I developed it and
I I pray to God that I'm reaching somebody
with this because this is the hardest
conversation I've ever had to have
with y'all Barna
the heart is but I chits
wants somebody out there to see
what
these kind of relationships can do and
will do in some circumstances
to a person every day
that I can be flashed back three
every day that I keep emotional he'll
is a victory for me so please don't feel sorry for me
know that I'm making it and know that I'm healing
in my own way and then I'm time
but this had to be discussed
and them I'm glad I could talk about it if you
until next time you take
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