Funny Or Die Presents 17

I think the lesson Lil Eric learned today is that a role model in the hands beats two in prison. Huh? Fine. You made a hopscotch drawing on the pavement, but it's just gonna be washed away by the rain anyway, so... (ROARING) (SCREAMS) Do you need some help? (CHUCKLING) Hey, look what happened. You were flipping the channels or maybe you left your TV on and, well, what do you know? Here you are. Right here at the beginning of another Funny or Die Presents. Hey, as long as you're here, why don't you give it a try? It's always been my attitude. Whether it's food or travel or women, heck, just give it a try. Sure, you can get food poisoning or robbed or maybe a venereal disease, but at least you tried, right? What's the worst that can happen here? You waste a few minutes of your life? Come on. How much time do you spend sitting on the *** every day? Really. You're welcome. NARRATOR: Tonight on the Funny or Die Network... Tijuana Jackson, Death Hunt Part Two, with Rob Huebel, Rob Riggle and Paul Sheer. Also, Brick Novax's Diary. And Welcome to My Study. TIJUANA: Gotta see my probation officer in a few hours so I told my nephew to get out of school early so I could celebrate his birthday with him. You know, I'm just like on this life coaching kick, man. I've been trying... God damn! Can I twitter that ***? (CAMERA CLICKS) Man. It's like I'm on this life coaching kick, man. Trying to be a positive role model for this ***. Here he come. Come on, man! ***, if you get in the front, how the *** the camera gonna see what I'm sayin'? No sense. You wanna drive? No. Yeah. Who is this for? Open it and see. Like it? All right. All right. I need you to do something for me later, okay? All right. Look, man, if things go like I think they gonna go, I'm gonna need me, like, an assistant, you know what I'm sayin'? If you get your grades right, keep your head together, there might be a little situation where I can probably give you some employment. 'Cause I'm planning to really stack up my clientele. Hey, put on your seatbelt. Police. I don't have a seatbelt. Okay, well, just sit safe. God damn, man. People just littering in the street and ***. Hey, Eric, clean this cup for me. What do you mean "not now"? ***, what you... Drink some *** Shasta. Hey, hey, you gonna take your numchucks in the house? No. Hey, big Eric. Why you all dressed up? Hey, I need to talk to you for a second, T.J. Okay, if that's the people from russianbrides.com, it's not my credit card. Okay. You know what? I need you to take Lil Eric away. All right, thank you so much. You know what? I'm gonna need about $20 from you, though. Don't take him to the racetrack. Don't take him to the strip club. TIJUANA: Basically, my sister married a *** idiot, okay? It's up to me to be the positive role model for this little ***, 'cause if I ain't, okay, well, he can end up, you know what I'm sayin', some kind of delinquent, little stupid-***, knuckle-head... Yeah. I'm gonna take this cup. I'm gonna take this cup with me in case I get thirsty. Let's just go. You keep rolling your eyes I'm gonna slap you in the back of your ***' head. TIJUANA: I bet you, if you jump the fence, one of them *** will start up. Where's my dad? Who the *** you talkin' to? Tone, boy. I done told you about that tone. To the bathroom. No. Hey. Cut the cameras. Lil Eric. Hey, Lil Eric. Lil Eric, hey, please. Eric, please. Okay, hold up. I'm gonna tell your mama you're having sex. With who? Uh-huh. When we was in Walmart and we bet that Miley Cyrus had more *** that Hannah Montana and we shook on it. Later, when I smelled my hand, I smelled ***. That's right. Eric, okay. Lil Eric, okay, okay, okay, look. Your daddy ain't gonna make it to your birthday celebration 'cause the *** got arrested, okay? For what? Selling dogs. *** was downtown selling dogs. I want a dog for my birthday. What kind? Dogs, Eric. German shepherds, mutts, Chihuahuas. It didn't matter. The *** was sellin' dogs. Who was he sellin' 'em to? Who the *** do you think he was sellin' the dogs to? He was sellin' them dogs to them *** Koreans. That's how they make that... (SPEAKING GIBBERISH) I told him about that ***. Okay? Man, don't go get all emotional on me, okay? I wasn't gonna say *** and you got all Caruso on me. Hey! Happy birthday, little ***. I mean it. Good kid. That's why I'm tough on him. I think the lesson that we learned today... Okay, wait. Hold on. Okay. I think the lesson that Lil Eric learned today is that a role model in the hand beats two in prison. Huh? Go wait for me in the car. I'm gonna go see my probation officer. No drinks inside. Either drink it here or throw it out. Oh. Can my little nephew come inside with me? Hey, hey, Lil Eric. NARRATOR: And now, presenting the world premiere of the motion picture produced especially for Funny or Die. Movie of the week. Tonight's movie, Death Hunt. This is the one time of year we get to see each other. Flew everybody in just to relax and kill some animals. Go, go, go, Gervin. Did you just slip your company's slogan into casual conversation? Holy ***! (SCREAMING) Someone's shooting at us! (MEN SCREAMING) MAN: How are we missing? Human scopes never miss. (TERRENCE SCREAMING) Just kill me and save yourselves. That's good. (MEN GROANING) Okay, here's the plan. I'm gonna scout ahead, try to find the highway. You two, stay put. No, no, no. I got this Gervin GPS. We can find the highway that way. No, Lionel, no more *** gadgets. A gadget is a toy! A Gervin is a tool. I like that one. *** that! We need to follow our instincts. You two, stay put. Little does he know, that Gervin's unbreakable. I killed Terry. (SOFTLY) I know. (SCREAMING) A bear trap! Who uses these anymore? He's in trouble. Let's go! And how did I not see this? It's a huge device! (SCREAMING) Hey! Hey! Stop shooting at me man. It's me. Wrong guy! Hey, I'm on your side. We had a deal. Holy *** ***, man. I left two of 'em down here. They're back in the ravine. Wait a minute. *** blanks, man. He set us up. He set us up? *** set us up? I didn't even want to go hunting! You know what I wanted to do? I wanted to go to *** Dollywood and ride a log through. What did you want to do? Take us out to the *** woods and get us shot at! Guess what, Zeus? You're not the king of this underworld anymore! You're just a fish and you're gonna get eaten by a shark! A shark with a *** gun! *** you! I suck ***! I've been sucking *** for years. Mainly glory holes down in the Village. I'm gonna find out what's going on. Yeah, I got it. (SHOUTING) Help me! Help me! Oh, God, I'm gonna help you. But you gotta tell me the truth. What are you talking about, Lionel? Oh, *** you. Wait, wait, come back. Come back. The truth is, yes, I finger-blasted your sister in the eighth grade. Samantha? No! Why are they shooting arrows at us? Oh, that. (GROANS) Okay, Lionel. The truth is, this, I said it was a European razor. It's a *** named the European Razor. I'm totally bankrupt, buddy. And some guy said he would take care of all of my debt if his rich friend could... Could what? If he could hunt you guys. Yes. But I swear, he was only supposed to kill one of you, Lionel. He set me up, too. Don't you see? He's hunting me now. Please, you have to help me. I'm your oldest friend, Lionel. I'm sorry I made fun of Gervin. Really? I got a great Gervin slogan. Go Gervin! How about this? Yeah! Gervin! It's for best friends, like me and Lionel. Lionel, please, you gotta get me out of this. Please, Lionel, don't let me die like a dirty-*** bear. No! Good thing I brought my Gervin wrench hammer. You push up, okay? Okay, here we go. Now? (GROANING) There we go, we got it. My leg is loose. We got it. Well, well, well. If it isn't the serpent, the messenger of the devil. Well, I got a message for the devil. Clay, I swear it was an accident. These things are dangerous. You know you have a snake on your head, Clay. There is no Clay, only the serpent master. Great catch. We got to go, buddy. We gotta move. We gotta move this way, buddy, this way. (PANTING) Hey! Hey, there's a cabin. They probably got a phone. What? Where? Clay, freeze! Bear trap. How did you not see that? What's with all the *** bear traps, man? Check it out. See if anybody's home. (ROARING) (SCREAMING) Hey! Oh, a *** bear! Do you need some help? No! Clay, stay right here. I may or may not go get help. Stay right here, buddy! I'll be back maybe later on. I made it. I made it. I'm safe. You're not out of the woods yet. Wait, wait, wait. It's over. All my friends are dead. Yes, your friends are dead, but not by my hand. I paid good money to kill me some humans. What about the ranger? I did kill him, but he was not your friend. Oh, that is so little. That is *** up. Who the *** are you? Ring a bell? Seriously? What about the hair? No. That's what I'm saying. I don't know who you are. Okay, I'll throw a date out at ya. May 27, 2010. 7:16 p.m. Parking lot. Twin Pines Mall. You stole my spot. Yeah, I'm *** dead serious! Serious as childhood obesity. Okay, yes, childhood obesity is very serious. There's five over-sized parking spaces at that mall. I got there early. And you cut me off, ran right into it with your *** PT Cruiser! Well, you ruined my life that night! I was on a girls night. Do you know how rare that is when you have kids? I was gonna go see Sex and the City 2 with my girlfriends! It was my night to be a Carrie. I missed the first 10 minutes because of you. You ruined my Sex and the City 2 virginity! Took it right from my ***. So I was sitting there in the theater, trying to imagine what my Carrie looked like in those first 10 minutes and I thought to myself, "Okay. I can kill myself or I can kill you." Guess what I chose? So I went outside, looked at your *** car, took down the license plate, had it tattooed on my *** *** so my husband wouldn't see it. The next eight months, I followed you everywhere, lived under your bed for two months, ate your food, took *** in your toilet, left them there. (LAUGHING) So get ready. Say goodbye to your *** balls, man. I'm gonna *** kill you! (GROANS) ***. Seriously? A dart? (DART BEEPING) (LAUGHING) It was me. Gervin exploding blow dart. It will blow you away. (BOTH LAUGHING) Oh, thank God. Thank Gervin. That's it. That's it. Write that one down. What happened to Clay? Oh, he got killed by a guy in a bear suit. Oh, that's a bummer. Yeah. (HELICOPTER WHIRRING) BRICK: My name, Brick Novax. I'm known for two things. My many heroic exploits and my legendary prodigious substance intake. Now, with two weeks left to live, I've holed up here in the Clyde Motel to record my memories and preserve my legacy. This is my life. This is Brick Novax's diary. (TAPE RECORDER CLICKING) (TAPE REWINDING) Testing one, two, one, two. Yet another entry in my diary. I wanna talk about some time ago when I got married and went full on suburban. Of course, our story starts in a bar. The Blotto Grotto. Hi. I'm Sophia. I like your mustache. Thanks. I've had it since birth. NOVAX: I couldn't help but give her the old Novax knee-vax. That's three fingers on the knee with one left over as a viper ready to strike. She ordered a Panther's Fang, which I immediately spilled. After drinking a record 17 Eye-Openers, I uncharacteristically lost my dinner. Within an hour we were married. We immediately bought a house in the suburbs. I cleaned up my act and did all the suburban things. I read the newspaper. I smoked a pipe. I won a tennis trophy. I drank watered down sugary cocktails. I even got a dog. Turns out the dog was a wolf, responsible for the deaths of several people. I couldn't stay straight for long. You're taking all that garbage again? Garbage? This *** costs a fortune. Well, clean up. My father will be here any minute. NOVAX: Her father was Skip Michaels. The triplet brother of Trip and Flip Michaels. He owned a pre-owned Pinto dealership on the outskirts of town. So, Brick, tell me what kind of business prospects do you have lined up? Business? Well, there's my usual monkey business. And, of course, giving your daughter the business end of my... That's my name. Do wear it out. You should come and work for me at the dealership. I'll make a real man out of you, an earner. I'd rather be a burner. Right. Uh, honey, what's for dinner? I'm making your favorite, Daddy. Dolphin risotto. What the ***? It's great. You get fresh dolphin in these little baggies down in Korea Town. NOVAX: Right then and there I realized this suburban life wasn't for me. All this blandness and boredom and ignorance. I did what anyone would do. I immediately stole a motorcycle and hightailed it out of there. You gotta know who you are, but you also gotta know who you aren't Don't let anybody box you into a box that ain't your bag if it ain't your bag. Or the box you may find yourself in could be made of pine. Dig? Until next time, this is Brick Novax's diary. (PLAYING SAXOPHONE) ♪ I have seen things ♪ Things I just choose not to talk about ♪ Things that only seem to frighten ♪ And offend most everybody ♪ Welcome to my study ♪ Hi. And welcome to my study. My name is Mitchell. You're always welcome to enjoy the things that I've found. I'm lonely and I collect things. Fine, you've made a hopscotch drawing on the pavement, but it's just gonna be washed away by the rain anyways. Well, let's see what I've found inside my study drawers. MAN: Hand grenade. Oh, I'd be pretty sleepy if I drank all of that. That was fun. So what else is inside my study drawers? MAN: An M16 assault rifle. I'll pin a couple feathers on my arms (STUTTERING) and flap away the loneliness. Who knew that was there? So what else is inside my study drawers? MAN: The M24 sniper weapon system. (MAN SHOUTS) If God could grant me one wish it would be to spend more time with you. ♪ I have seen things (BOMBS EXPLODING) ♪ Things I just choose not to talk about (MACHINE GUNS FIRING) ♪ Things that only seem to frighten ♪ And offend most everybody ♪ Welcome to my study ♪ (MACHINE GUNS FIRING) Hey, we tried. Maybe we didn't quite pull it off, but we're coming back next week to try it again. There's always the chance we're gonna get it right one of these times.