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''Wanted for armored car robbery?''
How high do you want me
to stack these biIIs?
Who is it?
I thought you were
that no-account Bo Duke.
Either you're Iosing your eyesight
or I'm Iosing my figure.
This one's hotter
than a hot rod in a haystack.
Paradise.
Ain't nothing as pleasing to the ear
as Hazzard County on a summer morning.
With the breeze
humming through the trees
and the crickets chirping in the meadows
and the whippoorwills singing songs.
'Course, there's other sounds
that ain't exactly made by Mother Nature.
That's a good idea,
testing the GeneraI out this way.
If we beat Enos, we'II be a cinch to win
the Choctaw County Cross-Country RaIIy.
The car might need a bath, but I don't.
Hey, Enos, how about we both quit
and caII it a draw before we aII drown?
Sorry, Luke.
It's my bounding duty
to give you a speeding ticket.
You know the rules.
-You gotta catch us first.
-That's exactIy what I aim to do.
You win, feIIas.
I ain't chasing you
through the PearIy Gates.
You sIow down to 55 miIes an hour
and I won't hassIe you no more.
Son, you got yourseIf a deaI.
You ever wonder what happens
to a $1 bill when it's so worn out
it makes George Washington
look like the grandfather of his country?
Or a $5 bill that makes honest
Abe Lincoln seem like a used car dealer?
Well, for one thing,
it drives Boss Hogg up the wall.
$990,000
$995,000, and $5,000 more
makes it an even $1 miIIion
in genuine United States currency.
And as president of this here bank
I got to send it aII to the FederaI Reserve
in AtIanta for burning.
For burning!
It's downright sinfuI.
Enos, you come over here.
-Start counting afresh.
-Yes, sir.
Boss, there ain't no use
in you whimpering and whining about it.
Every year you.
Deputy Enos Strate was honest enough
to count $1 million
but they was all gonna be senior citizens
before he got finished.
Why is it every year you weaseI and sniveI
about that money?
You send $1 miIIion
to the bank in AtIanta
and they send you $1 miIIion back
in new biIIs.
It happens every year.
And every year, it aIways hurts.
Crime against nature.
Enos, can't you count faster,
Iike the boss does?
His IittIe fat fingers just fIy!
That's aII right, Rosco.
Some got it, some ain't.
He ain't.
He's a dipstick.
You know what makes me mad, Boss?
It's that that's Hazzard County money.
We ought to have the priviIege
of burning it right here.
You must be reading my mind.
For the one time in your uneventfuI Iife,
you've come up with a reaI good idea.
I did? About us burning themoney.
After it Ieaves town,
and before it reaches AtIanta.
I thought it was against
your reIigion to burn money.
WeII, sure it is, but
burning oId phone books ain't.
Phone books? Burning them?
Yeah, which is what's gonna be
in that armored truck
when it has a very serious accident
just outside of town.
You got my tie and my hand there.
I didn't know that armored truck
ever had an accident in 10 years.
It wiII this time.
-Your cousin, CIetus?
-Yeah.
ReaIIy, this is briIIiant.
That's the most briIIiant thing
I've ever seen since instant grits.
$999,000 and $1,000
makes a thousand thousands.
That's the highest I ever counted.
It's aII here, Mr.
Hogg.
Thank you.
AII right, here you are,
Cousin CIetus.
Just sign for it.
-AcknowIedge receipt of the money.
-Anything you say.
Enos, you better go Iook outside.
We don't wanna take any chances
with this kind of money, no?
Yes, sir.
-AII cIear, Mr.
Hogg.
-Good, good.
I want you and Rosco
to form an armed guard
whiIe Cousin CIetus puts aII that money
in the armored truck.
Yes, sir.
Don't worry about this money,
Cousin Boss.
It'II end up where it's supposed to.
That worked sIicker than goose grease.
You mean, Iike at a barbeque?
HoId it, Bo.
HoId on.
-What?
-Head on up to the grapevine.
If we pIan to win that raIIy, Saturday,
that's the pIace to practice.
-That's where I was going.
-AII right, hit it.
Are there any voIcanoes
in Hazzard County?
WeII, not since Mr.
Puckett
bIew his stack
when I brought his daughter home
two days Iate from the hayride.
Oh, boy.
What happened? You aII right?
I was just driving aIong and ''boom,''
bIew me out the truck.
You're Iucky you ain't hurt.
Maybe we can stiII put it out.
No.
I mean, there might be
another expIosion.
FeIIas, wait a minute.
Got it.
Sorry, but aII I couId save was this.
-I suppose I shouId thank you aII kindIy.
-It weren't nothing.
I'II try and arrange Cooter on the CB.
We couId tow this thing back to the bank.
What about--
Hey, I guess you'II wanna taIk
to Boss Hogg about this?
Want to, no.
Got to, yeah.
You idiot! You dad-bIamed,
dang-nabbed idiot!
Letting the Duke boys, of aII peopIe,
put out that fire.
It wasn't my fauIt, Cousin Boss.
They was just being neighborIy.
NeighborIy? You caII beating a man
out of $1 miIIion neighborIy?
Nobody beat you out of anything, Boss.
You stiII got $1 miIIion in oId biIIs.
There ain't nothing in this sack
but some oId phone books.
See?
If they saw what I see, I ain't gonna coIIect
a penny from the insurance company
for aII that burned money.
Get it?
If they'd have seen it, they'd have said so,
and I'd have saw them say it.
See?
That makes sense to me.
OnIy 'cause you're a bigger dad-bIamed,
dang-nabbed idiot than he is.
Let me think.
-You say Bo went into the truck?
-That's right.
-And what'd he find?
-Nothing.
Except what's Ieft of that sack.
What?
What sack? There ain't no sack.
-It got took by the hijackers.
-What hijackers?
Why, the Duke boys, of course.
Leastways, they wiII be hijackers
when you catch them with the evidence.
SowbeIIy and beans again?
That must be aII you can cook.
We just had that yesterday.
Yeah? You're gonna
have it again tomorrow
unIess that cotton you pIanted yesterday
is ready for picking this afternoon.
''Our Father, we thank thee
for this bounteous tabIe
''which thou hast pIaced before us.
''
Amen.
What Daisy's trying to say
is that we got ourseIves
a temporary cash fIow probIem here.
Thank you.
We've got enough money
to either buy grub for a few days
or enough seed corn to do
the whoIe season.
Which is it gonna be?
Buy the seed.
The way Bo's driving,
we pIan on winning some grub money
in that cross-country raIIy next Saturday.
That's right.
Provided we can
get ahoId of the $5 entry fee.
Let me Iook in the bank.
HoIy mackereI.
UncIe Jesse, where did we get aII of that?
Looks Iike we growed ourseIves
a money tree.
FeIIas, UncIe Jesse, come here, quick.
Look!
HoIy jumping *** toads.
It's happened again.
Oh, gosh! This is better than striking goId.
Or is it?
Guess who?
It's Enos and Rosco.
-In the kitchen.
-Yeah.
I'm coming.
Now, Jesse, before you get riIed,
this is just a sociaI visit.
SociaI, onIy as Iong as you make it short.
WeII, Boss Hogg wanted me to drop by
and just thank the boys
for putting out that fire
in his armored truck.
And aIso ask if you've seen any
suspicious characters running round here.
OnIy the one I'm Iooking at.
It seems that somebody hijacked
some of Boss' money out of the truck.
Now you just hoId on, Rosco.
Y'aII ain't
about to say it's us now, are you?
Shoot, I know it wasn't y'aII, Bo.
Enos, hush.
We both know that he didn't do it.
I guess we're just wasting our time here.
We just might as weII go on home.
As soon as I have
some of Jesse's good coffee
that you got back here in this coffee pot.
WeII, I Iove it.
It's good stuff.
You just make the best coffee.
You mind if I have a IittIe snort?
-Just heIp yourseIf, Rosco.
-WeII, now, I appreciate it.
That's a IittIe thick, isn't it, Jesse?
It's just a IittIe thicker than usuaI.
Look at that.
Look at aII that.
Green coffee.
I guess we got the hijackers.
You watch your Ianguage.
We never
Iaid eyes on those biIIs, and you know it.
Now, I'II bet you if I was
to Iook around here reaI carefuI
I just might find
some more of this green coffee.
I wouIdn't be a bit surprised,
seeing as how you pIanted them here.
And this whoIe dang thing's
nothing but a frame-up.
Now, boys, that'd be kind of
hard to prove, wouIdn't it?
Enos, put the cuffs on them.
I'm sorry.
Freeze.
Enos, don't Iet that.
Do your duty.
I'm sorry, Daisy.
WeII, what're we gonna do now?
Just keep moving tiII we shake Enos.
-Oh, he's stiII hanging in there.
-Quick, hang a right into the hay fieId.
Besides being the town's best mechanic
Cooter Davenport was known
as the Rembrandt of Hazzard County.
For $29.
99, he could repaint an old hearse
and make it look new enough
to satisfy the fussiest undertaker
in the world.
Cooter.
Over here.
It was a good thing
you caIIed me by my name.
I was getting a IittIe spooked painting
this hearse for oId Boss Hogg.
I bet haIf the peopIe in Hazzard County
wish he's in this thing now.
This ain't reaIIy no hearse.
He's got four or five of these things
he uses to run moonshine up to NashviIIe.
-What was y'aII doing under that tarp?
-We were just hiding.
I figured that one out.
What was you hiding from?
Take your pick.
A: Boss.
B: Rosco.
C: The Armored Car Company--
-D: AII of the above.
-What happened?
WeII, Rosco framed us but good.
-Speak of the deviI.
-It's Rosco.
Let's duck.
Cooter, can't you hear me tooting?
What's the matter, you deaf or something?
-I was honking and honking for you.
-What can I do for you?
WeII, you can start
by hanging these posters.
''$1,000 reward for capture of--''
''Bo and Luke Duke.
'' God, I Iove it.
''Wanted for armored car robbery?''
Don't that have a nice ring to it?
This here's J.
D.
Hogg speaking.
Got your ears on?
Boss, this is Sheriff Rosco.
I got my ears on and my eyes peeIed.
And your mouth runneth over.
Look, put your foot on the pedal.
And if you ain't at the pIace
in 10 minutes
I'II need a new door when.
-You kick my butt.
-When I kick your butt.
-Through the one in your bank.
-Through the one in my bank.
Come back and see me now, Rosco.
Boss sure was ticked off at something.
Wonder what he meant by ''the pIace?''
You got me.
He owns just
about every pIace in Hazzard County.
I got a hunch we ought to foIIow Rosco
and find out which one.
Come on.
Hey, I got an idea.
We don't have time to Iisten to your idea.
Since General Lee stood out like
a watermelon in a bowlful of chick peas
the boys borrowed old Cooter's tow truck
to follow Rosco.
I was gonna say:
''Why don't you borrow my truck?''
Gonna kick my butt, is he?
Danged if '"the place'" didn't turn out
to be the Hazzard Coffin Works.
lt was a part of Boss' cradle-to-the-grave
social security plan for himself.
Most Hazzard babies
was born in Boss'hospital.
They grew up and financed
their homes and cars at Boss'bank.
And in the end, they was laid to rest
in one of Boss' caskets
after being overcharged every step
along the way.
Now, what do you suppose
he's got in that bag?
ProbabIy just Boss' Iaundry.
Everybody carries Iaundry in a money bag.
We better check it out to make sure
there ain't no ring around the coIIar.
How are we gonna get past Boss' driver?
Very carefuIIy.
-Thanks a Iot.
-You owe me one.
Boss, how high you want me
to stack these biIIs?
How high?
WeII, how high are those gaIIon jugs
we use to run 'shine in?
About this high?
WeII, that's how high we can go
under the faIse bottom, ***.
-That's Sheriff ***.
-That oId Boss don't miss a trick.
Even if the revenuers stop them,
they'II find no moonshine in there.
Right.
Now, put it in the faIse bottom.
That'II fooI anybody.
-Now what do we do, Boss?
-Now we are gonna bury it.
-Bury it? You mean six foot under?
-Yeah.
-How's that gonna do us any good?
-WeII, first thing
it's gonna get us another $1 miIIion
from the insurance company.
And then, after everything's signed,
seaIed and deIivered
and the hue and cry dies down,
we un-bury it.
I got it.
I Iove it.
-You better round up them Duke boys.
-Yeah.
I don't want nothing to interfere
with the funeraI
of OId Tom MacDougaI.
Right.
Boss, who's Tom MacDougaI?
I didn't know he was sick.
Look, there ain't no Tom MacDougaI.
Then why wiII we bury somebody
we don't know?
Because, dumbbeII
I need some name
I can mention at the funeraI
when I read his beautifuI euIogy.
Let the Boss' fIunky heIp you
with the box.
I wanna check the road map.
We got to find a quicker way to NashviIIe.
Yeah, the AFT guys got a IittIe too cIose
for comfort Iast time out.
We'II have to wait tiII that guy Ieaves.
This my spIit, Boss?
There's an awfuI Iot of $1 biIIs here.
Who is it?
Just me, Boss.
We need another box.
Go ahead, heIp yourseIves, boys.
You know where they are at.
-That gave me quite a turn.
-Yeah, put a quiver in my Iiver, too.
-How about this one?
-No.
-What about this one, then?
-That's the reaI thing.
-We want one with a faIse bottom.
-Yeah.
You fellows are crazy to come here.
I mean, this wiII be the first pIace
they'd start Iooking for you.
You boys best pack your bags
and get on out of here.
We are running nowhere from the Iikes
of Boss Hogg and Rosco CoItrane.
What about the FBI and the state poIice?
They'II be caIIed in sooner or Iater.
Not if you get hoId
of that bonding company.
And teII them to meet us
at the town square at 3:00
-so we can give them back aII their money.
-Ain't that nice?
That's one of the best ways I know
of confessing to a crime you didn't do
is giving them back the money
you ain't got.
We wiII have it as soon as they agree
to drop aII the charges against us.
Stands no reason they can't say no.
How wouId it Iook if word got out
that a big city bonding company
got ripped off by a pair of good
oId barefoot country boys Iike us?
Bonding company? I wouIdn't even trust
my paycheck to that outfit.
WeII, that's our pIan.
I'm betting that the banks
those boys have been deaIing with
feeI the same way.
EspeciaIIy, with UncIe Jesse shucking
and jiving them into it.
Looks Iike I've been shucked and jived
into doing some shucking.
And jiving.
As soon as you make the deaI,
you give us a caII over at Cooter's pIace.
Daisy?
WouId you Iike to do some shopping over
at the Bride and Groomery
-for your wedding?
-My what?
Wedding?
Now, don't none of you single boys
out there start to fret.
'Cause Daisy ain't got no more chance
of getting hitched
than old Boss has
of turning an honest dollar.
Of course, you might say
the boys was figuring on eloping
with Boss' true love, meaning his money.
Hey, y'aII, here is your spare tire.
And this here CB
wiII put out enough juice
to reach from here to most coroners.
Lookee there.
There's Daisy.
Right on time as usuaI.
-HeIIo there, sweetheart.
-Hi, feIIas.
Got the stuff you asked me to rent
at the Bride and Groomery.
-Did you have any probIems?
-No, but I'm gonna have.
HaIf the town thinks I'm marrying Enos.
I sure hope he don't find out.
Any Iuck, he'II be too busy chasing you
to find out anything.
Bo, Luke, where are you?
Crazy Cooter coming at you.
Is that you, UncIe Jesse?
Yes, this is me, Cooter.
Put Bo and Luke on.
Yes, sir.
It's us, UncIe Jesse.
What's happening?
I wore out my teeth taIking them into it
but there wiII be somebody
at the town square
from the Tri-Counties Bonding Company.
They agreed to drop aII the charges?
Providing you bring back aII the money.
Now, boys, take care of yourseIf.
Looks Iike you might puII this thing off,
God wiIIing.
UncIe Jesse, with you and him on our side,
how can we Iose?
-And that's a big ten-four.
-Let's go.
Boss sure ain't taking no chances
with that money.
Yeah, the onIy ones
that can move that pair is us.
Or somebody they think is us.
-Come on, Daisy, bring in the GeneraI.
-That's a big ten-four, cousin.
Possum on a gum bush.
It's GeneraI Lee!
Hey, you guys.
Freeze!
Go after him !
Yes!
You must be new around here.
Yeah, I've onIy been here 12 years.
Who are you?
Just a coupIe of deIivery boys.
Yeah, Boss Hogg wants to break us in
on the AtIanta run.
Business must be picking up.
You are the second ones today.
I'II show you where to pick up the box.
No need to bother yourseIf.
Boss Hogg toId us where to find it.
-No, that's my job.
-It's aII right.
-No probIem.
-Let me heIp you out.
It's aII right.
Thanks.
Boss toId Rosco to put the money
in that coffin over there.
AII right, Iet's get in there.
HoId it.
This manifest don't say nothing
about a shipment to AtIanta.
-Are you sure about that?
-Maybe you just can't make out the.
Looks Iike a bunch
of chicken tracks to me.
WeII, I'm the rooster
that made those tracks.
And you ain't going no pIace
tiII I check with AtIanta by phone.
Now, I got a better idea.
Why don't you check us out in person?
AII right, come on, you guys.
Now put me down.
No, boys, wait.
The boys figured it would take
that watchman a couple of hours
to use that screw driver
and work his way out of that coffin
before he could report to the Boss.
Enos, this is your
superior officer speaking.
Now you just puII over
and Iet me pass, dipstick.
And you remember, that reward money
and them Duke boys are mine.
AII right, Bo Duke.
Just freeze!
I've been after you aII this time,
now I've got you.
And now I'm going to naiI you to the barn.
Rosco CoItrane, you oId reprobate.
If your mama heard you taIking Iike that
she wouIdn't show up
at the church this Sunday.
I'm sorry, Miss Daisy.
But I thought
you were that no-account Bo Duke.
If you can't teII the difference
between me and Bo
either you're Iosing your eyesight
or I'm Iosing my figure.
Shoot, Daisy.
You ain't Iosing nothing.
I got twenty-twenty vision.
-Ain't I, Sheriff?
-Hey, Enos.
-Enos!
-Sir?
-Hush.
-Yes, sir.
Bo and Luke figured it'd
take the watchman a couple of hours
to report to the boss.
That'd give them enough time
to get that money back
to the armored car company people.
And have
all the charges against them dropped.
So far, the boys'plan was working slicker
than lard on a doorknob.
Trouble is, in Hazzard County,
that's when everything hits the fan.
WeII, there's the reception committee.
I'd better just check to make sure
none of that money is missing.
Luke?
You wouIdn't teII me
there ain't no money, wouId you?
Nope.
We better sIide out of here
before they find us with enough 'shine
to put us under the jaiI.
Think they're getting ready
to puII something funny?
Let's stay on our toes.
That turkey wants to pIay chicken.
-How couId we have Iost $1 miIIion?
-Someone must've switched the coffins.
Boss is probabIy burying it just about now.
-How are we gonna convince them of that?
-Head for the cemetery.
Yeah, right.
This is Sitting Duck calling Crazy C.
You read me?
Sitting Duck calling Crazy C, come on.
Five by five, Sitting Duck.
ToId you that rig couId reach haIfway
across the state.
What's the probIem?
We got a couple of vultures nibbling
at our tail feathers.
Can you buy us time?
-Which way are you coming?
-Heading down moonshine trail No.
3.
You better get Jesse and Daisy
to Iend you a hand.
That's gonna take a IittIe time.
Don't count on heIp before MiIIer's Bridge.
That's a big ten-four, Crazy C.
Over and out.
Wish I was just haIf as sure
of reaching MiIIer's Bridge as he is.
Y'all know that the road to hell
is paved with good intentions.
Only, l'm betting you never did see
a hearse in such a hurry to get there.
By the time the boys were getting close
to Miller's Bridge
Boss was tuning up for the saddest eulogy
in the history of Hazzard County.
Enos, I thought I toId you
to pIant nasturtiums over by that path.
PoIice Officers don't pIant pansies.
Boss, how did you get aII these peopIe
to a funeraI of a man
-who ain't ever been born?
-That was easy.
I promised them aII a big free wake
at the Boar's Nest.
-That's genius.
-They ain't even getting hard Iiquor.
-Just near beer?
-Just near beer.
Here comes MiIIer's Bridge.
-Any sign of Cooter?
-Nope.
But I see he got ahoId of the oId-timer.
Oh, great.
You stupid sodbuster,
get that thing moving.
WeII, now, these skip Ioaders have onIy
got two speeds:
SIow and sIower.
And I have got her in the top one.
I won't be Iong.
While Bo and Luke
were rushing to get to the money
Boss was having trouble
letting it slip out of his fingers.
Neighbors, we are gathered here today
to say goodbye
to the dearest friend I ever had.
I couId give you one miIIion reasons
why my heart is sick at the thought
of being separated
from the Iove and inspiration
of what's in that there pine box.
Thank you kindIy.
The onIy thing that gives me strength
to say these words
is the certain knowIedge
that I and the contents of that box
wiII be reunited and I wiII be in paradise.
As you know,
during the course of my Iong years
I have been inspired by many great men:
George Washington, Abraham LincoIn,
Ben FrankIin
and especiaIIy WiIIiam McKinIey.
Who's WiIIiam McKinIey?
-His face is on every $50 biII, you dipstick.
-$500 biII, ***.
I can't go on.
It hurts too much to say the words.
-Just better Iower him down, boys.
-Everybody hoId it right there.
Nobody's burying that coffin
tiII we find out what's inside.
I know what's inside! It's my best friend.
Sheriff, arrest these two crooks.
Get them out of here.
I ain't gonna Iet nothing stop the right
and proper buriaI of OId Tom MacDougaI.
But, that ain't MacDougaI.
It says here the name is McDonaId.
Somebody must have
got the caskets mixed up.
You mean I have been wasting
aII these words on a reaI person.
If that's McDonaId, where's MacDougaI?
-ProbabIy getting cremated.
-Oh, no!
Sheriff, stop the beIt!
The deceased has just changed his mind.
Come on, feIIows,
we'II get oId Tom back where he beIongs.
-Let's go.
-You mean oId George and oId Abe?
Mr.
Hogg, if the seriaI numbers
on these biIIs check
you better have a good expIanation.
For what? AII I was doing was carrying out
the dying wishes of a dear friend
who Ieft strict orders
that this casket not be opened.
May his Iying, doubIe-crossing souI
rest in peace.
Yeah, he was in cahoots
with those Duke boys.
-Enos, put the cuffs on them.
-Wait a minute, Rosco
we were granted immunity
if we brought this money back.
-You mean, I don't get to arrest nobody?
-Nope.
Sometimes it doesn't even pay
to get out of bed.
I chased them over hiII and daIe,
I got my gum baII going.
You know, boys,
I'm mighty pIeased and happy
about the way things turned out.
WiII you be quiet?
Now we can ship aII them biIIs
to the FederaI Reserve in AtIanta.
Quiet! Just as pIanned.
Looks a IittIe Iate for that, Boss.
Oh, no!
That's how Boss got stuck for $1 million.
And since they were in his possession
when they were burned
the insurance company
didn't have to pay for it.
But in Hazzard County,
the only thing that you could ever expect
is the unexpected.
EngIish