Battletoads - Angry Video Game Nerd

He's gonna take you back to the past To play the *** games that suck *** He'd rather have a buffalo Take a diarrhea dump in his ear He'd rather eat the rotten *** Of a roadkill skunk and down it with beer He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard He's the Angry Nintendo Nerd He's the Angry Atari Sega Nerd He's the Angry Video Game Nerd Battletoads on Nintendo. Now, don't worry, it's a good game. It's actually one of the most memorable games in the NES library. But when it first came out, a lot of people were thinking, "What is this, a cheap Ninja Turtles knockoff or something?" But, uh, it was actually pretty good-- Who the *** are you? I'm your guitar guy. I... sing your theme song? From... behind the couch? Well then go back behind the damn couch! Jeez. You know, that's not the welcome I really expected. Look, you can't just sit here while I do the review! Why--why can't I do the review with you? Oh, well--because that's not how it works! It's like, I play the game, and you... Get your *** back behind the *** couch! I don't ever get to do anything. You don't even use my song that much anymore. Why are you always behind my damn couch anyway?! There are no other couches to go behind! [Nerd] What a piece of ***. ***! ***! You don't know *** about how *** *** this *** *** is. It's so bad it sucks. It's so *** suck it ***! I'd rather eat out the rotten *** of a roadkilled skunk than play this game. Cowabunga. Cow-a-***-piece of dog ***! This game is diarrhea coming out of my ***! This game is as appealing as a *** ooze-infested dirty *** sewer rat ***! All right, fine. You can sit here, just this one time. [Kyle] Thank you. [Nerd] All right? [Nerd] You happy? [Kyle] I'm very happy. Very good. Okay, so anyway, Battletoads on the NES. Put that down! Put it down! Drop it! You can't *** play the game with me! Why not? Because, it's--it's not even a two-player game. [Kyle] Yeah, it is. [Nerd] No, it's not. Look, you see two players? "Press Start", that's it. All right, so anyway, the game begins, and... how'd you do that? I... pushed start. Oh, so it's arcade-style. The second player has to push start to join in. Why not just a regular select screen like any other NES game? Speaking of which, the intro shows three toads: Rash, Pimple, and Zits. Why such disgusting names? How about ***, Genital Warts, and Gonorrhea? Besides, Pimple's not even in the game. He's captured and the goal is to rescue him. But, on to the game. The first level's like a classic beat-em-up. Punching people is so satisfying. I like how your fists enlarge. When you headbutt you grow ram horns. And when you kick, your foot grows into a giant boot. You can throw your enemies and grab weapons. So much fun. And when you pause the game, you get this catchy beat. What's the point of that? When you pause the game, it should just be quiet! [Nerd] Get the dragon, hit him, hit him! [Kyle] What the hell? [Nerd] Oh, I didn't know I could hit you. [Nerd] Get the pig, knock him off--hey! You killed me! [Kyle] Sorry. [Nerd] Flies, let me get 'em! [Kyle] No, I need 'em! [Nerd] Mine, mine! [Kyle] Mine, mine! [Nerd] Oh, look, it's a 1-up. Aw, ***! [Kyle] Yeah. [Nerd] Oh, that's not fair. You kill me and then take my 1-up? [Kyle] Hey, I let you TRY to get it. It's not my fault you *** up. [Nerd] It's the boss. Don't get hit--***. Okay, level two, you're hanging on strings going down a hole or something. [Nerd] Get the bird! [Kyle] I'm trying! [Nerd] Oh, you ***! [Kyle] I didn't mean to do it. [Nerd] That's really a problem. You shouldn't be able to hit each other. That's *** ***! C'mon, you piece of ***! AH! [Kyle] What happened? [Nerd] I died. [Kyle] But I didn't die. [Nerd] Oh, that's lousy. If one player dies, you gotta start the level all over! Okay, so we can't hit each other. [Nerd] You take the right and I take the left. [Kyle] Okay. [Nerd] What the hell was that? I said stay to the right! [Kyle] I couldn't help it, the stupid wrecking ball thing just keeps swinging side-to-side. [Nerd] Oops! I didn't mean that! [Kyle] You see? Why have an attack like that in a game where you can harm the other player?! [Nerd] Oh, ***! [Kyle] How are we supposed to work as a team when you keep killing me? Level three, we're real lucky we made it this far. [Nerd] Yeah, pound the guy into the ground! [Kyle] Aw, what the ***?! [Nerd] Oh, you get him. [Kyle] No, YOU get him! [Nerd] All right. So awesome, you just pound him into the ground and kick him! What the *** was that ***?! All right, now, just don't hit any walls! But get the ramp! Get the ramp! [Nerd] Aw, ***! [Kyle] How'd you miss that? [Nerd] I don't know! All right, let's try again. [Kyle] ***! [Nerd] You missed the ramp! Game over?! That's game over for YOU, not for me! [Kyle] Oh, I don't know... [Nerd] What? You gotta be *** kidding me. YOU died, but we both have to restart the level! [Kyle] Sorry. [Nerd] That's ***! That's terrible programming! How is it fair that when one player dies, they both have to-- And my lives aren't replenished! I still have just one extra life! That means I'm gonna die next, and then we're both going to have to start over again. [Nerd] Watch it, watch it! [Kyle] I know, I know! What the ***?! [Nerd] I swear, I didn't mean to do that. I was just trying to hit the guy. Okay, now this is real important. None of us hit the walls, okay? [Nerd] Jump! Jump! Oh, ***! [Kyle] Oh, good job. [Nerd] Oh my God. [Kyle] Well, you gotta start all over again. [Nerd] How many lives do you have? [Kyle] Like, two? [Nerd] Well, I guess we're not gonna make it much further! [Kyle] Well, I could just die twice on purpose, and then we can both start-- [Nerd] No, no, no, no! *** that! There's no reason why the game should be programmed this way! And we shouldn't have to stand for it! [Kyle] Oh, the hell with this ***! [Nerd] The hell with this *** ***! The hell with this banana buffalo wearing *** ***! Yeah, now you're talking! All right! So, anyway, Battletoads-- I'm going behind the couch! Yeah, you do that! Go bunker yourself from all these, like, *** games! Yeah! So, Battletoads is not a two-player game. Having a second player is as convenient as having a Siamese bulldog attached to your ***! It's just--like, with one player, it's hard. But with two, it's virtually unplayable! [Kyle, singing] He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard [Nerd] You bet your ***! [Kyle] He's the Angry Video Game Nerd Go behind someone else's couch! There are no other couches to go behind! [Nerd] Basically, Battletoads is not-- [Kyle] I'm going behind the couch! Well, good then! I mean, go bunker your [laughing] ***!