Tip:
Highlight text to annotate it
X
I talk a lot about my history as an abuse survivor. It's a serious topic, but I find
gallows humor whenever I can. Kind of like when you bump your head and it hurts so bad
you can't help but laugh. Even my triggers can be funny, in hindsight at least.
My roommate has a Roomba, because she DIDN'T go into spoken word, and therefore has money.
For awhile I was convinced that the Roomba was a *** predator.
I'm working at my desk, minding my own business, when Roomba comes in like "HEY THERE I'M GONNA
RUB ALL OVER YOUR FEET." Damn it Roomba! I'm trying to work here, you pervert!
I'm in the shower and Roomba bumps against the door over and over, and I can just *hear*
it saying "UR NAKED ARENT YOU I WANNA SEE! I WANNA GET IN THERE AND SEE YOUR BUTT!"
Roomba doesn't have a good understanding of boundaries. If you know how the Roomba artificial
intelligence works that's twice as funny. (Nerd alert!)
Sometimes Roomba gets stuck in the bathroom and I have to help it get out. I make a wall
with my foot to nudge it in the right direction. The whole time it's got this little cleaner
spinner thing on it that keeps rubbing against my foot. I'm like, "That's right Roomba, lick
mommy's feet clean!" That's when I realize i'm domming the Roomba.
I think I just invented a new *** genre. HOT robot action. Watch as metal *** machines
submit to their organic masters! If you think about it, we all have a dom/sub relationship
with our sex toys. "Hey there, Rabbit, how about you pleasure me on command and I give
you nothing in return but a trip to the dishwasher, because you're such a filthy little ***!"
I have a theory that the way we treat inanimate objects is the way we treat ourselves. When
you yell at your phone for not sending that *** text message god *** damn it...
You're really yelling at yourself. I mean, think about the times *you've* suffered a
severe hardware crash or had a faulty touchpad...
So I make it a habit to be polite and uplifting with the objects in my life:
"Thank you alarm clock for getting me out of bed. I may get angry sometimes but i understand
you're just trying to help."
"Thank you snooze bar for saving the alarm clock's life. I'll try harder in the future
to control my anger."
"Come on *** download, I know you can do it! I believe in you!"
Sometimes I even use "I" statements:
"I feel upset and frustrated when you can't get more than one bar."
My roommate DOES have some decent money. Ever know someone who has all the same excuses
to not be successful... and yet IS?
Damn it, you're trans, disabled, an abuse survivor... AND you have tons of disposable
income? ***, all this time I thought I was oppressed, turns out I'm just lazy. Now I
gotta actually work. You make me look bad!
If I had tons of money, I wouldn't get a Roomba. I'd get myself a ***. Though I don't know,
maybe they have a special Roomba for those. I'm a smartass, so I would totally mess with
my surgeon.
"What kind of *** would you prefer?"
I want a beautiful flower. A Georgia O'keefe!
"So you want a *** that is aesthetically pleasing?"
"Nope! I want a Georgia O'keefe painting grafted onto my crotch. That's cheaper, right?"
And then he explains to me how they create the "neo ***".
I'd be like, "Neo ***? You saying my *** can dodge bullets?"
"No, I'm saying when the time comes, it won't need to!"
Whoa, my *** knows kung-fu!
(That joke's only what, like, 10 years old?)
If you haven't heard, the Watchowski brothers are now known as "the Watchowskis". One of
them has transitioned and is now a Watchowski sister. They've been really quiet about it.
A lot of people don't know, so I then have to explain it to them.
I have a policy, when it comes to talking about transition: no old pictures, no old
names, no old pronouns. They weird me out. I don't like it with my transition or anyone
else's. So the way I explain it to people, is that Lana watchowski is now Lana Watchowski.
She used to be a woman, but feels much more comfortable as a woman. So she is going through
the process to change her body from a woman's to a woman's. I think... Thank you. I think
that's more accurate anyway.
SRS would be so much easier if we lived in the Matrix. Sit down at the doctor's office.
Say, "I just had the weirdest sense of deja-vu". And then bam. There IS no ***.