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Many years ago, prince darkness Gannon stole one of the Triforce with power.
Princess Zelda
Wow I don't give a ***! WELCOME TO THE LEGEND OF ZELDA.
In this *** ancient game you play as some little elf dude named Zelda.
SEE IT SAYS SO RIGHT THERE I DIDN'T MAKE THIS *** UP. (For some reason everyone wants to know what he looks like as a girl...)
So as Lin--
ZZZZZZELLLLLL
DAAAAAAAAAA
You don't start out with ***, man. You gotta work for your god damn meals in this game.
(Random garbage) Where do I go?
PRO TIP: Not the cave, that's the end of the game. So go left and-
OH LOOK YOU'RE *** DEAD.
By the way I lied about the cave so go in there and get your sword
you gullible idiot.
So now that you have means to protect yourself against the creatures of this treacherous land
you can go and slay some ***!
I don't know this game has absolutely no direction..
OH LOOK AT THAT, FIRST DUNGEON. See there's a bunch of dungeons in this game and if you haven't already played the game 60 times you don't know where that *** is and I'm not telling you so go walk around a little bit you need the exercise.
SO CHECK THIS OUT, you need to find keys and maps and compasses and hearts
and fairies and bombs and money and IS THAT A BOW? You can't shoot it JESUS CHRIST THIS GAME
*** SU- Each dungeon has a boss in it and you beat the hell out of it-
I said you beat the hell out
Oh my *** god be- Okay he's dead now eat his beating heart and make yourself stronger
just like real life now you go in there and WOAH. TRIANGLE. You need a bunch of these
triangles because the kindergarten you're trying to help out lost all their triangles and the kids
will only learn circles and squares otherwise so you really need to fix this *** like
bad because God forbid we have a bunch of idiots running around not knowing what a Tri- ALSO
There are little secrets like this, and this, and WHAT?
You didn't play this as a kid?
You weren't born? That's not a *** excuse to not know where *** is
Just look that *** up on the internet you spoiled little
Okay so chances are you've played all the new Zelda games with all that new fangled SPIN ATTACK.
Well check this out.
You can totally do that ***. Woah. Check it out man. Oh man.
HEHEH. JUST KIDDING. I ANIMATED THAT TO FOOL YOU. So you go through all these dungeons and OOH
Check this *** out and BAM he's dead OH LOOK IT'S wait.
Wait, this is Zelda?
I thought you were Zelda.