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Chapter XXVI.
WELL, when they was all gone the king he
asks Mary Jane how they was off for spare
rooms, and she said she had one spare room,
which would do for Uncle William, and she'd
give her own room to Uncle Harvey, which
was a little bigger, and she would turn
into the room with her sisters and sleep on
a cot; and up garret was a little cubby,
with a pallet in it.
The king said the cubby would do for his
valley--meaning me.
So Mary Jane took us up, and she showed
them their rooms, which was plain but nice.
She said she'd have her frocks and a lot of
other traps took out of her room if they
was in Uncle Harvey's way, but he said they
warn't.
The frocks was hung along the wall, and
before them was a curtain made out of
calico that hung down to the floor.
There was an old hair trunk in one corner,
and a guitar-box in another, and all sorts
of little knickknacks and jimcracks around,
like girls brisken up a room with.
The king said it was all the more homely
and more pleasanter for these fixings, and
so don't disturb them.
The duke's room was pretty small, but
plenty good enough, and so was my cubby.
That night they had a big supper, and all
them men and women was there, and I stood
behind the king and the duke's chairs and
waited on them, and the *** waited on
the rest.
Mary Jane she set at the head of the table,
with Susan alongside of her, and said how
bad the biscuits was, and how mean the
preserves was, and how ornery and tough the
fried chickens was--and all that kind of
rot, the way women always do for to force
out compliments; and the people all knowed
everything was tiptop, and said so--said
"How DO you get biscuits to brown so nice?"
and "Where, for the land's sake, DID you
get these amaz'n pickles?" and all that
kind of humbug talky-talk, just the way
people always does at a supper, you know.
And when it was all done me and the hare-
lip had supper in the kitchen off of the
leavings, whilst the others was helping the
*** clean up the things.
The hare-lip she got to pumping me about
England, and blest if I didn't think the
ice was getting mighty thin sometimes.
She says:
"Did you ever see the king?"
"Who?
William Fourth?
Well, I bet I have--he goes to our church."
I knowed he was dead years ago, but I never
let on.
So when I says he goes to our church, she
says:
"What--regular?"
"Yes--regular.
His pew's right over opposite ourn--on
t'other side the pulpit."
"I thought he lived in London?"
"Well, he does.
Where WOULD he live?"
"But I thought YOU lived in Sheffield?"
I see I was up a stump.
I had to let on to get choked with a
chicken bone, so as to get time to think
how to get down again.
Then I says:
"I mean he goes to our church regular when
he's in Sheffield.
That's only in the summer time, when he
comes there to take the sea baths."
"Why, how you talk--Sheffield ain't on the
sea."
"Well, who said it was?"
"Why, you did."
"I DIDN'T nuther."
"You did!"
"I didn't."
"You did."
"I never said nothing of the kind."
"Well, what DID you say, then?"
"Said he come to take the sea BATHS--that's
what I said."
"Well, then, how's he going to take the sea
baths if it ain't on the sea?"
"Looky here," I says; "did you ever see any
Congress-water?"
"Yes."
"Well, did you have to go to Congress to
get it?"
"Why, no."
"Well, neither does William Fourth have to
go to the sea to get a sea bath."
"How does he get it, then?"
"Gets it the way people down here gets
Congress-water--in barrels.
There in the palace at Sheffield they've
got furnaces, and he wants his water hot.
They can't bile that amount of water away
off there at the sea.
They haven't got no conveniences for it."
"Oh, I see, now.
You might a said that in the first place
and saved time."
When she said that I see I was out of the
woods again, and so I was comfortable and
glad.
Next, she says:
"Do you go to church, too?"
"Yes--regular."
"Where do you set?"
"Why, in our pew."
"WHOSE pew?"
"Why, OURN--your Uncle Harvey's."
"His'n?
What does HE want with a pew?"
"Wants it to set in.
What did you RECKON he wanted with it?"
"Why, I thought he'd be in the pulpit."
Rot him, I forgot he was a preacher.
I see I was up a stump again, so I played
another chicken bone and got another think.
Then I says:
"Blame it, do you suppose there ain't but
one preacher to a church?"
"Why, what do they want with more?"
"What!--to preach before a king?
I never did see such a girl as you.
They don't have no less than seventeen."
"Seventeen!
My land!
Why, I wouldn't set out such a string as
that, not if I NEVER got to glory.
It must take 'em a week."
"Shucks, they don't ALL of 'em preach the
same day--only ONE of 'em."
"Well, then, what does the rest of 'em do?"
"Oh, nothing much.
Loll around, pass the plate--and one thing
or another.
But mainly they don't do nothing."
"Well, then, what are they FOR?"
"Why, they're for STYLE.
Don't you know nothing?"
"Well, I don't WANT to know no such
foolishness as that.
How is servants treated in England?
Do they treat 'em better 'n we treat our
***?"
"NO!
A servant ain't nobody there.
They treat them worse than dogs."
"Don't they give 'em holidays, the way we
do, Christmas and New Year's week, and
Fourth of July?"
"Oh, just listen!
A body could tell YOU hain't ever been to
England by that.
Why, Hare-l--why, Joanna, they never see a
holiday from year's end to year's end;
never go to the circus, nor theater, nor
*** shows, nor nowheres."
"Nor church?"
"Nor church."
"But YOU always went to church."
Well, I was gone up again.
I forgot I was the old man's servant.
But next minute I whirled in on a kind of
an explanation how a valley was different
from a common servant and HAD to go to
church whether he wanted to or not, and set
with the family, on account of its being
the law.
But I didn't do it pretty good, and when I
got done I see she warn't satisfied.
She says:
"Honest ***, now, hain't you been telling
me a lot of lies?"
"Honest ***," says I.
"None of it at all?"
"None of it at all.
Not a lie in it," says I.
"Lay your hand on this book and say it."
I see it warn't nothing but a dictionary,
so I laid my hand on it and said it.
So then she looked a little better
satisfied, and says:
"Well, then, I'll believe some of it; but I
hope to gracious if I'll believe the rest."
"What is it you won't believe, Joe?" says
Mary Jane, stepping in with Susan behind
her.
"It ain't right nor kind for you to talk so
to him, and him a stranger and so far from
his people.
How would you like to be treated so?"
"That's always your way, Maim--always
sailing in to help somebody before they're
hurt.
I hain't done nothing to him.
He's told some stretchers, I reckon, and I
said I wouldn't swallow it all; and that's
every bit and grain I DID say.
I reckon he can stand a little thing like
that, can't he?"
"I don't care whether 'twas little or
whether 'twas big; he's here in our house
and a stranger, and it wasn't good of you
to say it.
If you was in his place it would make you
feel ashamed; and so you oughtn't to say a
thing to another person that will make THEM
feel ashamed."
"Why, Maim, he said--"
"It don't make no difference what he SAID--
that ain't the thing.
The thing is for you to treat him KIND, and
not be saying things to make him remember
he ain't in his own country and amongst his
own folks."
I says to myself, THIS is a girl that I'm
letting that old reptle rob her of her
Then Susan SHE waltzed in; and if you'll
believe me, she did give Hare-lip hark from
the tomb!
Says I to myself, and this is ANOTHER one
that I'm letting him rob her of her money!
Then Mary Jane she took another inning, and
went in sweet and lovely again--which was
her way; but when she got done there warn't
hardly anything left o' poor Hare-lip.
So she hollered.
"All right, then," says the other girls;
"you just ask his pardon."
She done it, too; and she done it
beautiful.
She done it so beautiful it was good to
hear; and I wished I could tell her a
thousand lies, so she could do it again.
I says to myself, this is ANOTHER one that
I'm letting him rob her of her money.
And when she got through they all jest laid
theirselves out to make me feel at home and
know I was amongst friends.
I felt so ornery and low down and mean that
I says to myself, my mind's made up; I'll
hive that money for them or bust.
So then I lit out--for bed, I said, meaning
some time or another.
When I got by myself I went to thinking the
thing over.
I says to myself, shall I go to that
doctor, private, and blow on these frauds?
No--that won't do.
He might tell who told him; then the king
and the duke would make it warm for me.
Shall I go, private, and tell Mary Jane?
No--I dasn't do it.
Her face would give them a hint, sure;
they've got the money, and they'd slide
right out and get away with it.
If she was to fetch in help I'd get mixed
up in the business before it was done with,
I judge.
No; there ain't no good way but one.
I got to steal that money, somehow; and I
got to steal it some way that they won't
suspicion that I done it.
They've got a good thing here, and they
ain't a-going to leave till they've played
this family and this town for all they're
worth, so I'll find a chance time enough.
I'll steal it and hide it; and by and by,
when I'm away down the river, I'll write a
letter and tell Mary Jane where it's hid.
But I better hive it tonight if I can,
because the doctor maybe hasn't let up as
much as he lets on he has; he might scare
them out of here yet.
So, thinks I, I'll go and search them
rooms.
Upstairs the hall was dark, but I found the
duke's room, and started to paw around it
with my hands; but I recollected it
wouldn't be much like the king to let
anybody else take care of that money but
his own self; so then I went to his room
and begun to paw around there.
But I see I couldn't do nothing without a
candle, and I dasn't light one, of course.
So I judged I'd got to do the other thing--
lay for them and eavesdrop.
About that time I hears their footsteps
coming, and was going to skip under the
bed; I reached for it, but it wasn't where
I thought it would be; but I touched the
curtain that hid Mary Jane's frocks, so I
jumped in behind that and snuggled in
amongst the gowns, and stood there
perfectly still.
They come in and shut the door; and the
first thing the duke done was to get down
and look under the bed.
Then I was glad I hadn't found the bed when
I wanted it.
And yet, you know, it's kind of natural to
hide under the bed when you are up to
anything private.
They sets down then, and the king says:
"Well, what is it?
And cut it middlin' short, because it's
better for us to be down there a-whoopin'
up the mournin' than up here givin' 'em a
chance to talk us over."
"Well, this is it, Capet.
I ain't easy; I ain't comfortable.
That doctor lays on my mind.
I wanted to know your plans.
I've got a notion, and I think it's a sound
one."
"What is it, duke?"
"That we better glide out of this before
three in the morning, and clip it down the
river with what we've got.
Specially, seeing we got it so easy--GIVEN
back to us, flung at our heads, as you may
say, when of course we allowed to have to
steal it back.
I'm for knocking off and lighting out."
That made me feel pretty bad.
About an hour or two ago it would a been a
little different, but now it made me feel
bad and disappointed, The king rips out and
says:
"What!
And not sell out the rest o' the property?
March off like a passel of fools and leave
eight or nine thous'n' dollars' worth o'
property layin' around jest sufferin' to be
scooped in?--and all good, salable stuff,
too."
The duke he grumbled; said the bag of gold
was enough, and he didn't want to go no
deeper--didn't want to rob a lot of orphans
of EVERYTHING they had.
"Why, how you talk!" says the king.
"We sha'n't rob 'em of nothing at all but
jest this money.
The people that BUYS the property is the
suff'rers; because as soon 's it's found
out 'at we didn't own it--which won't be
long after we've slid--the sale won't be
valid, and it 'll all go back to the
estate.
These yer orphans 'll git their house back
agin, and that's enough for THEM; they're
young and spry, and k'n easy earn a livin'.
THEY ain't a-goin to suffer.
Why, jest think--there's thous'n's and
thous'n's that ain't nigh so well off.
Bless you, THEY ain't got noth'n' to
complain of."
Well, the king he talked him blind; so at
last he give in, and said all right, but
said he believed it was blamed foolishness
to stay, and that doctor hanging over them.
But the king says:
"Cuss the doctor!
What do we k'yer for HIM?
Hain't we got all the fools in town on our
And ain't that a big enough majority in any
town?"
So they got ready to go down stairs again.
The duke says:
"I don't think we put that money in a good
place."
That cheered me up.
I'd begun to think I warn't going to get a
hint of no kind to help me.
The king says:
"Why?"
"Because Mary Jane 'll be in mourning from
this out; and first you know the ***
that does up the rooms will get an order to
box these duds up and put 'em away; and do
you reckon a *** can run across money
and not borrow some of it?"
"Your head's level agin, duke," says the
king; and he comes a-fumbling under the
curtain two or three foot from where I was.
I stuck tight to the wall and kept mighty
still, though quivery; and I wondered what
them fellows would say to me if they
catched me; and I tried to think what I'd
better do if they did catch me.
But the king he got the bag before I could
think more than about a half a thought, and
he never suspicioned I was around.
They took and shoved the bag through a rip
in the straw tick that was under the
feather-bed, and crammed it in a foot or
two amongst the straw and said it was all
right now, because a *** only makes up
the feather-bed, and don't turn over the
straw tick only about twice a year, and so
it warn't in no danger of getting stole
now.
But I knowed better.
I had it out of there before they was half-
way down stairs.
I groped along up to my cubby, and hid it
there till I could get a chance to do
better.
I judged I better hide it outside of the
house somewheres, because if they missed it
they would give the house a good
ransacking: I knowed that very well.
Then I turned in, with my clothes all on;
but I couldn't a gone to sleep if I'd a
wanted to, I was in such a sweat to get
through with the business.
By and by I heard the king and the duke
come up; so I rolled off my pallet and laid
with my chin at the top of my ladder, and
waited to see if anything was going to
happen.
But nothing did.
So I held on till all the late sounds had
quit and the early ones hadn't begun yet;
and then I slipped down the ladder.