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(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Hello. I am Chris Hardwick.
I have a message for the people of Earth.
This is The Nerdist Show on BBC America.
Now, I have a message for any aliens
that are encountering this broadcast as the signal travels through space.
Zero-one-zero-zero- zero-zero-one,
zero-zero-one-zero-zero- zero-zero-zero-one
zero-one-zero-zero-one-one- zero-zero-zero-one
zero-zero-one-one-zero-zero- zero-one-zero-one-zero-zero- one-one.
It's The Nerdist!
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Greetings, my comrades and nerdom.
We are delighted to be televised night cap
of BBC America's Supernatural Saturday.
I feel super. Do you guys feel super?
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
I know you've been through a lot this evening.
Well, with all the time travelling and cloning.
But do not worry, you are absolutely safe here.
There is nothing to worry about at all.
See you later, Cash. (CHUCKLES)
Tonight we have an unbelievable show for you.
If you're a Tolkien nerd, the squee level on this one is off the freaking charts.
Elijah Wood is here!
(CHEERING)
Or for our Elvish audience...
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
(LAUGHING)
(LAUGHS) Not any Elf fans here, I guess...
I'm not pretending to be fluent in Elvish at all,
I just remembered some stuff from Rosetta Stone Elvish course
that I picked up at a kiosk at Sky Harbor Airport.
Those are surprisingly expensive, by the way.
Uh, Elijah's here to give us a look at his new film Setup, Punch.
A film that I was relieved to discover is actually about being a stand-up comedian.
And I didn't get into the whole overload of The Nerdist empire thing,
by skimping out on the show content. No!
The blazingly funny Ben Schwartz, who I love.
He was great on our podcast. He's on House of Lies.
He's gonna be here, so I hope you've been doing your abdominal workouts
because your stomach's about to cramp up from laughing and the, "I can't believe it".
That is a Chris Hardwick promise, funny that hurts you.
But before we begin all the shenanigans,
please let me introduce the original merry melody maker,
Mike Phirman and his band,
Mike Phirman and the Devastated Children's Chorus that couldn't fit here.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
# Technology # Technology
# Allows me to do this #
(MIMICKING MUSICAL INSTRUMENT)
(IN ROBOTIC VOICE) Cymbal three.
(CHRIS LAUGHING)
Please welcome the living embodiments of my circulatory nervous system,
Matt Mira and Jonah Ray.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
(LAUGHING)
So far, an accidental theme of the show has been languages.
-Binary, Elvish... -MATT: Yeah.
Did you take a language in school?
I took French for three years.
Nearly failed every single year.
-CHRIS: Oh! -But you kept going back.
-That's right, that's right. -Thank you.
-Desole, desole. -I had to, I had to.
It was a requirement of low Catholic high school.
Here's the only phrase you need when I was in... When I go to Montreal,
which is like practice France.
-Uh... -(JONAH LAUGHING)
They still got their training wheels on?
Yes, they still got their training friends on.
-Uh... -(LAUGHING)
When I go to actual France I just say,
"Desole, je suis un Americain stupide."
-(LAUGHING) -And then they're always like, "Okay."
I had to take a little bit of Hawaii... I grew up in Hawaii,
I had to take a little bit of Hawaiian language.
Did you not just learn that though in everyday...
No, nobody uses it because it's being crushed by the American, you know...
What's... What's Hawaiian language like? "Let's go surf, bro, there's ice in the air."
You smell the ice?
-CHRIS: There's only 12... There's only 12... 12 letters. -I'm real offended. Is that...
There's only 12 letters, but like 98 words for poi.
(LAUGHING)
No, there's one. Poi.
-Poi, poi, Jonah. -But there's a 1,000 words for love, right?
No! One.
I read something wrong. I'm sorry.
Aloha means three different things.
Aloha means hello, goodbye and I love you.
You know what, funny thing... In the movie, North,
-which our guest today was in, there was a conversation... -(LAUGHING)
...about how aloha means all three things.
-Really! -Yeah.
You're the first person to ever start a sentence,
"You know, a funny thing... In the movie North, dot, dot, dot."
-Yeah. -Well, that is a perfect segue,
because our first guest knows a little something about
going on an epic journey with a bunch of friends.
No, it's not Jack Kerouac. It's Elijah Wood! Check this out.
I hate digital photography.
Maybe it's just me.
But ever since I stopped shooting with film,
I have no good place to store my weed.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I... I literally had to get diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder,
just so I have a new place to put my weed.
Which, by the way, Adderall to focus you in,
and weed to space you out.
(KISSING) Magnifique.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Where was I?
I now summon, Elijah Wood!
-Hello, sir! -How are you? Good to see you.
-Have a seat. -Hello, how are you?
-Hello. -How are you?
Hello.
I love the revolving door.
-That is... -It's so much better than a curtain, I think.
-It really is, but... -It's functional...
It's not put together well, someone's going to die in there at some point.
By the way, Elijah, thanks for getting the memo.
-Oh, yeah, the... -Shirt friends!
-Obviously. -Yes, exactly!
-I wanted to fit in. -(MEN LAUGHING)
Shirt friends! This is weird. Looks at the over the shoulder shot!
(BOTH EXCLAIMING)
It's like you're in Back to the Future II playing both Marty McFlys.
So, it's like, this one...
This one got really into growth pills and alcohol.
I said that forgetting you were in Back to the Future II.
Oh, yeah! That's true. It's all connected!
-Yeah. -It truly is!
But the short film that you made is fantastic and you're doing stand-up.
-Do you want... Do you want to do stand-up? -No.
-Okay... -(ALL LAUGH)
No, the short is basically, um...
It's this thing that a friend of mine wrote,
based on an experience that he had doing stand-up.
And he was like, "Well, I'm going to make it into a short film,
"do you want to play the character?" And I was like, "Yeah!"
Not realising that I would ultimately have to do stand-up in order to do the short.
CHRIS: Right. ELIJAH: (CHUCKLING) Which was petrifying to me
because I've never done stand-up before.
So, I ultimately decided to do stand-up for real before we did the short.
So that I would feel like, you know,
I would get an understanding of what it actually feels like and I did it,
it was the most petrifying thing I've ever done in my life.
-I did five minutes at... -Yeah, and then on top of that it's a lot of crying
and jerking off in hotels and...
-Yep. -Yeah, pretty much!
That's like actually 80% of stand-up.
Actually, it's 90, it's 90%.
But did you like the experience of doing it for real?
I did, yeah, I did. It was the scariest thing I've ever done...
You know, we... Basically before we did it...
Initially his idea was that I was just going to do jokes from the short.
-Yeah. -But I was like, "No, I can't.
"I can't do that. I have to write something myself, so that if I...
"I don't want to worry about remembering lines or remembering jokes
"I want it to kind a be from my own head."
So, we wrote it over like three or four hours
and then drove to the improv and I did five minutes.
-How did it go... -It felt like jumping out of a plane.
I mean, it was honestly... I've never done anything like it.
How did the audience...
'Cause you were probably a surprise guest at the improv, right?
So all of a sudden they were like, "Ladies and gentleman, Elijah Wood".
And they were like, "Ha, ha. Oh, (BLEEP)".
(ALL LAUGHING)
Amazingly nobody said anything.
Like, nobody called anything out.
Basically, I did from joke one to the end.
There was just laughs, like nobody said,
"Hey, it's Elijah or Frodo", or none of that (BLEEP).
It didn't end up on, like, Perez Hilton, saying, "Look who's doing stand-up".
-Not at all. -Oh, my God, that's amazing.
I know, sort of surprising.
We had Dominic Monaghan on the show and he was saying people shout Frodo at him.
I can't imagine what it must be like for you!
I can't imagine just to live your life and people are like, "Blah, blah, blah".
"I know, I was in a thing. Can we just..."
It's kind of daily, actually. That and Harry Potter.
I swear... I swear to God.
-I swear to God. -Just draw the little scar.
-Oh, man! -How was Comic Con for you?
-How is it? -Yeah, I mean, do you put on the mask
and kinda drift through the crowd?
I've always maintained that was...
That's what I was going to do and get a costume, 'cause I...
The one thing I can't do really is walk the floor, which is such a bummer,
-Yeah. -'Cause I love Comic Con.
But this last time,
I actually just walked the floor 'cause I was like, "You know what, (BLEEP) it.
"If I'm going to put a mask on,
"like, it might draw more attention", I don't know, so, I...
Maybe it's not as bad as I think it's going to be.
So I just kind of walked... I, like, ran the gauntlet essentially,
and it... (LAUGHS) I had to keep moving.
I could not... I couldn't stop,
'cause as I was walking, it would just be like, someone would clock me
every second of the way.
And I realised, I can't (BLEEP) stop, I can't...
You know, stop at a booth and hang out,
'cause it just started to draw this attention.
I ended up going to the Mondo Tees booth...
-You know Mondo Tees? -ALL: Yeah, yeah.
With all those beautiful posters?
So, I went there and got behind there, 'cause I'm friends with those dudes.
And then like a bunch of people amassed
and I was like, "Okay, I can't really do this".
But, I did it. I did walk the floor, but I kinda ran the floor.
I think you're one of those people... And you should totally try this sometime.
You should see if you could crowd surf from one side of Comic Con,
all the way across.
People would pass you all the way down the huge convention.
And by the end of it, you'd have all the diseases.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Everyone. Name one.
-New ones even... -I'll just bathe in Purell.
-Yeah, you could just jump in. -There will inevitably be one creepy guy
who won't let go and just carries you all the way.
"I got it, the ultimate collectible Elijah Wood Number One!"
"It's a Comic Con exclusive."
Or he'll just be screaming, "I'll carry you all the way, Frodo!"
-I bet you're the one that made the reference. -Well...
It's nice that you're comfortable with it at this point.
-Oh, totally, totally. -That... That's pretty sweet.
I mean, you know, you also could go dressed up as Frodo
and if someone's like, "Are you?" and you're like,
(IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT) "No, mate, but isn't this a great costume".
This is costume...
-I think I'm Cockney. -Yeah! I don't know, I was trying to think...
(IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT) No, mate!
(IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT) "Just got to go sweep out these chimneys then, ma'am!"
We all know that I'm a huge anglophile. I talk about it a lot,
so I really wanted to share my love for old Blighty with Matt and Jonah.
The Nerdist lads go to London!
(DRUM ROLL)
# Hip, hip, cheerio
# It's the bloody UK
# Matt Mira's there
# And so is Jonah Ray
# When The Nerdist lads
# Go to London
# The Nerdist lads
# Go to London #
Oh, the crazy things they get up to!
When we return, Ben Schwartz will be here,
then Kumail Nanjiani will take on Matt and Jonah in a nerd argument
of galaxian proportions.
All this and more when The Nerdist returns in just a second.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Welcome back to The Nerdist on BBC America.
We are proud to be a subsidised division
of the many reaching tentacles of The Nerdist empire.
We're interrogating Elijah Wood right here.
At the break, we really...
And I we'd been talking about the show, so I want to bring it up again,
but we were talking about how awesome the Evil Dead remake looks.
-It looks so good. -Yeah.
-Like, genuinely good. -Genuinely scary, too.
It does look like it could be real creepy, just like...
This is the thing, it's like, you know, there is such a trend with remaking
the...the great horror films that we all grew up with
and it's such a bummer because they most of the time get it wrong, in my opinion.
-Right. -So, this was like, "Don't touch Evil Dead!"
-Right. -And I saw a scene of it at Butt-Numb-A-Thon.
Do you know Butt-Numb-A-Thon, Harry Knowles'...
Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
ELIJAH: They showed a scene, we didn't get the whole movie, and it was mind-blowing.
Like, I... I had such low expectations,
and what they've done with it is so grotesque and so screwed up.
It looks great.
Also... Also...
It's important to remember, like...
Like Sam Raimie and Bruce Campbell were on board,
so we can go, "Okay, they know what they're doing".
Yeah, but still, even so, rebuilding a thing
that you already did at a certain point in time
and you know, things are different now, you're different now,
can you recapture the magic? Can you...
Are you talking about the season of this Nerdist?
Yes, I'm talking exactly about this season of the show.
They also gone... You know, 'cause Evil Dead II is famously,
kind of a mixture of comedy and horror.
-They've gone completely horror with the film. -CHRIS: Oh, okay.
By the time this airs,
you will have seen it at home, let us know.
(ALL LAUGHING)
CHRIS: Were we right? We'll find out.
-Whoa! -(LAUGHING)
I also want to mention that Wilfred is coming back this year as well.
-Yes. -Hey, all right.
Yeah, we're in the middle of shooting season 3 right now.
Now that's another...
That show I think is very similar
to, well, we were talking about The Evil Dead remake,
there's like, a million wrong ways to do that and one right way to do that.
ELIJAH: Yes. CHRIS: And you guys did it the right way.
-Same as Evil Dead. -Thank you, thank you.
Yeah, it's...it's a weird show and I think... (CHUCKLES)
Well, that's hard because it's based on an Australian show...
-It is. -And so, I feel like you know, England...
-It's not weird there. -No, that's the thing.
England and Australia can do things that are just weird for the sake of weird...
-Sure. -And no one questions it.
And in America, there's so much like, "Why's he doing that?"
"Why's that guy... Why's the dog... Why is it..."
-Has to be conceptualised. -It has to be conceptualised, so, you know, to just do it.
Yeah, I mean, I think, the thing I was...
I felt really great about going into it,
is that Jason Gann who created the character in Australia,
it was originally a short film and then they did two seasons of the show in Australia,
and that he was on board and involved in this particular duration of it,
made me, you know, it made me comfortable that we were doing something
-that had the soul of the original. -Yeah.
-But was also kind of different too. -Yeah.
You know, I love the fact that it... It's dark, it's funny.
It's at times dramatic. It's kind of disturbing.
It's all of those things and I love that about the show.
You know my next guest from the show House of Lies.
Please welcome my friend Ben Schwartz!
Come here! Oh, my God!
-How you doing, man? -What's up?
-Hi, Ben, how are you? -Really good tie!
Look at this. Look at this and look at this.
-I know... -Benjamin...
Chris, get out of here. Get out. Get lost, Chris. No one wants you.
One of these things is not like the other.
What happens if all of us want to drink water at the same time?
-Did you think about that? -Want to try?
One, two, three.
Oh, you have one too!
-Oh! You didn't think I had one. -Mmm-mmm...
And we didn't really coordinate it.
Did you think I was gonna keep counting?
Or did you think it was at three?
-We all thought three. -I thought you're going to go on like a 100.
All right, you guys wanna drink?
BOTH: One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen...
-Let's cut to commercial. And we come back. -(ALL LAUGHING)
22, 23, 24, 25, 26...
Oh! I would love to do that.
-That would be so much fun. -It'll be my whole segment...
(ALL LAUGHING)
Just Jonah counting to a 100.
No, you're here to promote the concept of counting!
Right, I'm here to promote the count on Sesame Street.
-You're the new count, you're the new count, but... -Yeah.
He's a hipper count, he's not, "Yo, daddy's" count.
-No. -He just says, "One, two, three, a-ha-ha..."
(LAUGHS) He's not really into it.
One, two, three, (SCOFFS).
(ALL LAUGHING)
Oh, you guys, that is a great character, a hipster count.
-He will have the side-burns... -One, two, three (SNICKERS)...
(ALL LAUGHING)
One, two, mah...
(ALL LAUGHING)
I would love to see the count in, like, a Die Hard movie
where someone's counting down, there's a huge explosion,
but it's the count counting down from 10.
Like, huge stage where he's like,
(IN FOREIGN ACCENT) "Ten, nine, eight...
"You're going to die.
-"Seven, six..." -"Shoot out the glass."
(LAUGHING) Shoot out the glass!
"But your guns can't hurt me!"
"Three..."
It fully makes sense that he's a vampire.
-(LAUGHING) Finally! -"Two, one. Oh, no, sunlight." (MIMICS EXPLOSION)
-He doesn't even get to you. -The puppet just burns.
-(LAUGHING) -See a guy's hand.
Then the fabric sticks to you.
Yes, because a vampire puppet needs a vampire operating it.
-That's true. -We have had a lot of fun.
-Thank you, Ben, for being here. -(LAUGHS)
-Is that it? -Ben...
CHRIS: Ben is... Ben's on House of Lies, Ben's on Parks and Rec...
-I do Parks and Rec, yeah. -You still do the weekly improv show?
I do. I do a show... I just did Snowpants yesterday, which is a monthly show I do,
and then I do a show called (BLEEP) Jobs.
-We can curse on this show, right? -Sure, why not?
(BLEEP) Jobs and... Yeah, I do a bunch of shows.
A show called Hot Sauce, UCB.
Uh, yeah, Ben's a UCB guy
and the show Snowpants, was that it?
J. J. Abrams came by and, like, improvised.
Yeah, yeah. We had J. J. Abrams, Helen Hunt came,
-Don Cheadle, Elijah's gonna come do it supposedly. -(SOFTLY) Yes.
Two seconds ago you were talking about how terrified you were of doing stand-up.
This is improv, it's even more nerve wrecking, 'cause there's no...nothing.
That's way more terrifying.
-Yeah, it's great. -You know, though, when you have a group of improvisers
like these guys, no matter, like...
You have such a wonderful safety net.
-Really? -Yeah, absolutely.
It is fun. Anything you do, we... We... The whole idea's saying yes
and we support the hell out of you.
-Right. -So, any... Any idea or any choice you make,
the guys that I bring on, the guys who have been doing it for 10, 15 years,
-so we can't wait to go at it. -You're right.
That sounds way easier than standing out there by yourself.
-Oh, my God! -Where your only safety net is going,
"I don't know, I guess I thought... I thought this was funny".
-Stand-up is terrifying! Terrifying! -Yeah, it is.
It is the most terrifying thing you can do.
-No, it's great. -So you've done stand-up,
-so you can totally do improv. -It is.
-I tried it, it's terr... -Elijah would do Snowpants
after he does our podcast, right? Please, please, will you do our podcast?
-Yes. -Oh, my God! That's legally binding.
-You have to do it now. -Yeah, I'll do your podcast.
-You have to do it now. -His yes is so fake, though.
(LAUGHS) Yes. Yes.
It's like you breathing. It's not even you saying it. "Yes."
That's crazy though, 'cause right after he does the podcast,
we're going to go get burgers, right?
(ALL LAUGHING)
Totally.
Coming up, we're going to test our guests' knowledge of Doctor Who,
men's fragrances and music from the Northern Atlantic. What?
Plus, Kumail Nanjiani squares off against these two clowns.
And the one of the kind comedy of Katie Crown, when Nerdist continues.
We'll be right back.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Welcome back to The Nerdist. For your eyes.
There's this little game we've been playing in the offices on The Nerdist campus,
and we like it so much we thought, "Why not share this with the world!"
So, you guys ready to play
Doctor Who Creature, Men's Cologne or Icelandic Rock Band?
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
# Doctor Who Creature
# Men's Cologne
# Icelandic Rock Band Which is it? #
Which is it? All right, so, I do want to point out one thing...
-Yes. -You'll see at the top of the board, there is tape up there.
The art department didn't know,
and I had a little bit of a nerd tizzy freak-out.
He'd abbreviated the "Doctor" of Doctor Who,
which you're not supposed to do.
You spell out "Doctor", everyone watching and listening.
So...
-That's what I've done here. -Yes.
The art department has corrected it with tape and a Sharpie.
I feel so much better now, so we can actually play the game.
Gentlemen, the game is simple. Jonah and I are going to say a word, okay,
and that word is going to be one of these things,
like Doctor Who Creature, a Men's Cologne or an Icelandic Rock Band, okay?
And you guys just have to tell us which one it is.
Are you ready?
-Yes! -Yes.
Let's play Doctor Who, Cologne or an Icelandic Rock Band!
(ALL CHEERING)
All right, ladies and gentlemen, here we go!
First on the list, Jagaroth.
-MATT: Chris? -I'm going to say Doctor Who creature.
-MATT: Ben? -Oh, you've said... Now I have to change my answer.
You know what though, there's 50 years' worth of canon,
so even I don't think I know every Doctor Who creature.
-I would say it's an Icelandic Rock Band. -Okay, Elijah.
-I'm going to go with Icelandic Rock Band as well. -Okay.
-Come on, Elijah, let's go it. -Yeah, come on.
The answer is...
-Doctor Who creature. -(BLEEP)
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
The Jagaroth were an ancient race of lumpy but advanced humanoids
with green veined skin. So you learn something new every day.
-Jonah, number two. -All right, number two.
Quarashi!
-Jonah, one more time. -Quarashi!
Sorry, Quarashi!
I'm going to say Icelandic rock band.
-Okay. -Is sushi restaurant on there?
(LAUGHING) Okay, let's not get racist.
Um... I will say...
I'm going to say Icelandic rock band.
-Yes, it is an Icelandic rock band. -You know for a fact?
Icelandic rock band.
-How do you know that? -I know.
Number three, Kroton.
-I'm going to say Doctor Who creature. -Okay.
-It's a Doctor Who creature. -Okay.
Just to be different men's cologne.
Doctor Who creature.
The Kroton is a fictional character.
It appeared in Doctor Who magazine comic strip
based on the long running British science-fiction TV series Doctor Who.
He was a companion of the Eighth Doctor.
-Kroton. -Kroton.
-Number four. -Number four.
-Retro Stefson! -Retro Stefson.
(LAUGHING)
(IN FRENCH ACCENT) Retro Stefson.
I think that's got to be a men's cologne.
-Really? -(CHUCKLES)
Say what!
I'm going to say Icelandic rock band.
-(BLEEP). -Yeah, I know this is big for you.
-This is big for you. -It is.
Men's cologne!
JONAH: It is an Icelandic rock band.
Retro Stefson have been named one of the most prominent Icelandic bands to emerge
in the 21st Century. The band consists of...
-Doesn't matter, we believe you. -A bunch of guys.
Yeah!
Ah, these fellows, they can play!
-All right! -"We think?" You can't tell...
Gentlemen, here it is.
Kiton!
-That is a men's cologne. -All right.
-That is a men's cologne. -Men's cologne.
Chris is wearing it right now.
Wow, you guys know your scents.
ALL: Hell, yeah.
MATT: Jonah, number six. JONAH: All right.
Vetiver.
Vetiver.
-One more time. -Are you just saying every possible way to pronounce it?
V-tiver.
I'll say...
-Icelandic rock band. -I say men's cologne.
Icelandic rock band, but are they from Iceland, Vetiver?
I don't know. They're not from anywhere!
Because it's a men cologne!
But for a second, there is a band called Vetiver.
-Well, they're not Icelandic. -They're not Icelandic, so fair enough.
-(BLEEP). -MATT: All right, here we go.
Xeraphin!
What do you think, Chris?
I'm going to say Icelandic rock band.
He's right, it's an Icelandic rock band.
-Elijah? -Icelandic rock band.
-You guys are wrong! -(ALL EXCLAIMING)
It is a Doctor Who creature!
-I missed one. -To be fair, it was a band on Doctor Who.
MATT: They're very highly psychic creatures.
Seabear!
(LAUGHING)
Bear from the sea.
That's got to be an Icelandic rock band.
-Yeah, Icelandic Rock Band. -Yes, same.
-Boom, you are correct! -Yeah!
-Don't clap, guys. -Their music has been described as,
Sufjan Stevens meets an unplugged Arcade Fire.
Oh, that's a thing we'll all listen to at some point.
He's also been called the Icelandic Beck.
Ooh!
-Sea beck. Beck's not Icelandic? -Sea Beck.
You keep that later.
Ho Hang!
(ALL LAUGHING)
Someone make a .gif of that immediately!
Poof, Ho Hang!
-Ho Hang, what've you got, Chris? -I think it's a men's cologne.
I think he's right.
Oh, no, no, I'm wrong. It's an Icelandic rock band.
-(SIGHS) -Elijah.
Icelandic rock band.
Game changer.
-Wow! -Men's cologne!
-It's a... -How does your ho hang?
Ho Hang cologne!
Just left Ben hanging, that was kind a rude!
-Ben, did you make the joke? -(EXCLAIMS)
When you make a very mature pun, then you can get a high five.
Morlox.
You can't force a .gif, Jonah!
(ALL LAUGHING)
-Morlox sad! -Whoa! No!
You were doing your Filch impression, it would seem.
Morlox has got to be...
-I'll say Doctor Who creature. -It is Doctor Who I say.
Doctor Who creature.
-Yes! -Doctor Who creature.
Morlox!
-Trabant. -(ELIJAH LAUGHING)
Chris, what do you think it is?
Icelandic rock band, Doctor Who creature, men's cologne?
I think it is a medical condition that affects the taint.
(BEN LAUGHS)
-Or Icelandic rock band. -Uh, that's not on this one.
-Men's cologne, men's cologne. -MATT: Men's cologne?
-Elijah? All right. -Yeah, men's cologne.
-Too... -Come on.
Oh, that's an Icelandic rock band. Can you believe it?
You're gonna win, Chris.
-Chergui. -(ELIJAH LAUGHING)
You did it, kid. You did it.
ELIJAH: Chergui.
-I'll say that... Okay. -BEN: Chergui. (LAUGHS)
I'll say that Chergui is a men's cologne.
Icelandic rock band.
-Uh, yeah, Icelandic rock band. -Ooh!
You guys, it is an oriental spicy fragrance for men and women.
-It is a men's cologne. -Whoa! Chris win...
(ALL CHEERING)
Whoa! Oh, my God. Okay, okay, okay.
-Okay, okay, okay. -MATT: Bonus points.
Okay, okay.
-Okay, you have to stay that way a minute. -He is the winner.
He is the winner.
You have to win.
-Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! -Oh!
-Drink! Drink! No! No! -Don't drink it. Don't drink it. Don't drink it.
No, please don't. There's a bunch of stuff in there.
Look at that, in there? What is that?
-Unbelievable! -It's velcro and glue.
-Don't worry about it. Move on. -No way.
-Even I must... I must concede the victory to you. -Thank you.
And then we have to cut to the .gif of...
-Ho Hang! -Ho Hang!
We will leave you with rich musicality
and the voice dancing in your head for just a moment.
But fear not, we will be right back.
That was an amazing game.
That was amazing.
Ho Hang! (LAUGHS)
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
I welcome you back to The Nerdist on BBC America.
If the show is known for one thing, it is our passion for insightful debate.
And also our ability to steal any conversation into *** and wiener town,
but I'd really like it to be for the debate thing.
And that is why we are introducing a new segment
called Point, Counterpoint, Counterpoint.
Point! Counterpoint!
Counterpoint!
Okay, here's how Point, Counterpoint, Counterpoint works.
We'll be letting these three settle the age old debate
of Lord of the Rings versus StarTrek.
Here, arguing on behalf of Lord of the Rings
is life-long fan, comedian, Kumail Nanjiani.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Arguing on behalf of StarTrek is life-long Trekie
and one of the co-hosts of this very show, Mr Matt Mira.
(ALL CHEERING)
And as always, here arguing on behalf of himself or no one,
the other co-host of this very programme, Jonah Ray.
(ALL CHEERING)
We're gonna debate four topics.
Points will be argued alternately. First topic, Leaders.
Every good story must have a great leader.
We will start with Kumail.
All right. Our leader is Gandalf the Grey,
who died and then came back. He was reborn.
Does that remind you of anyone else? That's right! Jesus Christ.
Now there's a whole religion. He's some people's Lord and Saviour.
Your main guy is bald because apparently the future doesn't have Rogaine.
And he has an unrequited crush on his doctor.
That's unethical and he is the captain and he can't get her to give it up! Come on!
Plus, Riker, what a creep, right?
He combines the beard of a child molester with the face of a child molester.
(CHRIS LAUGHING)
First of all, Kumail, I think his beard is excellent.
(KUMAIL SCOFFS)
Let's talk about my leader, Captain Jean-Luc Picard.
Yes, he's bald. Thank you.
He's bald, but that's because in the 24th Century
humans don't care about superficial things like baldness.
Your guy essentially wanders the forest
with young hobbit boys while wearing, what is for all intensive purposes, a dress.
That's right. It's not even a flattering dress, Kumail.
My guy is the Captain of the Federation Flagship.
Which is like being in charge of the entire galaxy.
Matt, no bald person has ever had any kind of true power,
except for the lead singer of Midnight Oil and Demi Moore from G. I. Jane.
And why couldn't Picard close the deal with what's her face?
Shatner would have *** that chick before he learned her name.
Thank you. That's what I'm saying.
Listen... Mmm-mmm, no, I dint say I agree with you.
You know who else came back from the dead? Ashley's girlfriend in Evil Dead.
And you know what he had to do? He had to knock off her (BLEEP) head.
So get the (BLEEP) out of town with your Gandalf feenie or whatever his name is.
Let's move on to the next topic.
Let's talk about the ultimate goal, the protagonist, of your stories.
All right, fine. I'll be glad to, Chris.
The goal of the United Federation of Planets
is to make the galaxy a better place
for literally every single species in the universe.
Tribbles, sure. Klingons, not so much.
But here's the deal.
The Enterprise shows up to Middle Earth, you know what happens?
Dr Crusher beams Gollum aboard,
and then cures that weird skin disease he has.
And then, Captain Picard's like, "Hey, Sauron, grab some Earl Grey in my ready room."
And then they talk about the finer points of archaeology.
The main goal of The Lord of the Rings, what is it?
Let's throw some jewellery into some lava.
Ah, okay, okay.
Trying to compose myself. It's not just some jewellery,
it's the one ring that is for the betterment of the galaxy.
We have to return it from whence it was forged, Mount Doom.
Sauron gets the ring, his power will be immense.
A day may come when the courage of men fails, but it is not this day!
Your guy is going to different planets to violate the prime directive
and (BLEEP) the local wildlife.
(LAUGHING)
We're focusing on Earth things, Middle Earth things,
-not made-up space stuff. -Ugh...
Okay, I think I'm going have to go with The Lord of the Rings on this one.
The Munchkins are trying to destroy the ring
to prove they're not in the pocket of "Big Eyeball."
And your guys are going planet to planet helping people who never asked for help.
If they came to my door,
I'd probably mute the TV and pretend like I wasn't even home.
I'm in favour of Kumail.
Wait, Jonah, you're not even the judge, you're a counter point.
-Objection. -Sustained. Next topic.
All right, the next topic is weaponry.
Cool weapons make movies better and special effects teams work harder.
Let's hear your point, Kumail.
All right, well, your weapons have undefined powers.
Every episode ends with, "Okay, reverse the polarity field."
-And then they just magically escape. -Uh...
-Yeah. -We reroute main power through the secondary coupling, okay?
That's the...
You like secondary coupling.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Burn!
I agree, the second series of BBC's Coupling is fantastic.
Kumail, your point?
There is actually an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation
where Worf severs his spine and there is no cure until a doctor,
literally, makes one up... What (BLEEP).
If the Star Trek people had written Lincoln,
the doctors would've have made a new discovery
and cured him of a gunshot wound to the head.
And then Riker would've (BEEP) him.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
We have got the best torches on the planet and axes, "And my axe!"
Noble creatures!
Plus we have Gandalf, who has giant eagles at his command
and he can send messages through moths.
That's his email! His email is moths!
That's amazing. Star Trek doesn't even have email.
Why don't they ever have email?
They don't need email, 'cause they just tap their chest and they talk,
person to person, like people, who love each other.
Kumail, you could not be more wrong here.
The weapons in Star Trek are the best.
Photon torpedoes, great!
Phasers, they're the best. Here's why, they're versatile.
You want to blow up a ship? No problem!
You want to use a modified beam to drill into the surface of a planet
to alleviate an earthquake problem, you can do that too.
Hell, you can set your ship's phasers to stun
and knock out an entire city block of Chicago gangsters.
-That really happened in the original Star Trek. -Sounds awful.
-A piece of the action. -Jonah, your point.
Yeah, well, that just sounds stupid.
Yeah, at least the swords are real.
Hey, Kumail, aren't your people, like, really into curved swords?
(SNICKERS)
All right, that's racist.
And they're called scimitars and they're very important to our cultural heritage.
Oh, okay!
Then I side with The Lord of the Rings.
Okay!
Every good story needs some good villain,
and so let's start with Matt.
Thank you, Chris. I didn't realise we're letting Jonah judge this whole thing,
-but that's fine with me. -(CHRIS LAUGHS)
Uh, let's see, how many villains are there in Lord of the Rings, like five?
I don't count the Orcs as a bunch of things, it's one thing.
-And the creepy skin disease guy, and the giant eyeball... -No!
-What? -Orcs and Uruk-hai are two different bad guys.
Doesn't matter, they look the same to me.
-Now, that's racist. -That's racist!
-That's very racist! -JONAH: Yeah.
(GIGGLES) Is it racist if they're computer generated?
They're not! They're all practical, that's why it's awesome.
Ah, you what Star Trek has? They have a variety of aliens that we all know about.
Klingons, Borgs, Cardassians, Romulans...
Not Kardashians, there was Cardassians.
That's the one thing Riker wouldn't (BLEEP).
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
I wouldn't put that past him.
Here's the deal, the Klingons are the most enduring creatures of them all.
And they started as our enemies, but then they became our friends, over time,
which is the is the enduring message of Star Trek,
"Let's all be friends and not fight."
Friends? Yeah, that's a great TV show, "Let's all hang out and be friends."
-Come on man. -Friends is great, through season 5.
Klingons? Come on!
Clearly, an actor once showed up with forehead acne
and they were like, "Ooh, we can work with this."
Orcs are awesome! Do you remember that one part where the Orc dies
and they're like, "Looks like meat's back on the menu, boys."
They'll eat their own kind. That's so bad ***.
I've heard you arguments and I find in favour of the defendant.
Where did he get a gavel?
I think the real winner here is the audience for sitting through this.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Of course you can always tell us on Twitter
what you think the outcome of this debate was.
Hashtag at Point, Counterpoint, Counterpoint.
(ALL LAUGHING)
And if you still have room, pick a winner.
Don't go away, I don't care how bad you have to ***, because after the break,
we've got the crazy, funny, Katie Crown up next on The Nerdist.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Hey, sexy person, welcome back to The Nerdist on BBC America.
Do you like funny people? Crazy! So do I.
Do you like Canadian people? Me too!
Ladies and gentlemen, Katie Crown.
(CHEERING)
Hi, I'm Katie.
-(LAUGHS) -(CHEERING)
Thank you!
Could you imagine that was it and I was like, "We got to keep it rolling." (LAUGHS)
Or if I just, like, wasn't even Katie.
Like, I was just someone who got lost.
And I just, like, came out of here, like, "Oh, oh."
And I was like, "Oh (BLEEP)" and someone's like, "Yeah, come around this side".
And I'm like, "Oh, okay." and then... (LAUGHS)
I'm just standing here and I'm like, "Now's my chance".
(ALL LAUGHING)
And I just look at you guys and go, "Now's my chance.
"Now's my chance to really do this".
And then I just start telling like, amazing jokes, you're like...
You can't even believe I'm telling the best jokes in the world and you're like...
I'm going like... (SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
And you guys are like, "Yeah, yeah! Yeah, yeah!"
And in my mind, I'm like, "This is really happening, this is it.
"This is really happening, it's what you're made to do".
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
"Yeah, yeah! Yeah, yeah!" That's how you guys are.
You don't laugh, you just go, "Yeah, yeah! Yeah, yeah!"
(ALL LAUGHING)
Like, uh, robots. Anyway...
And then I'd tell a great set and I can't believe it,
and you guys are just like, "Oh, we want more, we want more".
And I'm like, "I've got to go".
And then I... (LAUGHS) And then I leave
and I go out back and then I just start, like, puking
and I'm like, "I can't believe my dream came true.
(RETCHING) "I can't believe my dream came true.
(RETCHING) "I can't believe..."
And then you guys, "We got to find her. Come on, guys, let's band together",
and you all walk single file.
(ALL LAUGHING)
And you find me and I'm puking, I'm like,
(RETCHING) "I can't believe..."
And tap me... Like, one of you just, like, a small tap, like, tap on my shoulder, like,
"Hey." I'm like, "Oh, hey".
"You we're really good." And I just go, "Oh, thank you so much".
I'm still puking, but I'm like, conversational as well.
(LAUGHS)
I'm shaking hands and stuff and, like, puke is dripping off my hand
and he's like, "Really great job, really great job".
"Oh, thank you, thank you so much."
(LAUGHS) "We're having a really great time" and in my own mind, I'm like,
(GAGGING) "I really did it, I really did it, I really did it".
But then the real Katie Crown comes out, she see this and she's like,
"Hey, what do you think you guys are doing?
"I'm the real Katie Crown."
-"And anyway..." -(ALL LAUGHING)
"Sorry I'm late.
"But anyway let's go tell some jokes now. Come on, guys."
And you're like, "Who are you? What are you talking about? This is the real Katie Crown."
"No, it's not! Who's this imposter?"
I'm like, "Who's this imposter..." (SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
"I'm the real Katie Crown, anyway let me tell you my jokes.
"My cat's crazy..."
"We don't want to hear your jokes, lady, we want to hear...
"We like this girl."
(GAGGING) "I can't believe it, I can't believe it, I can't believe it."
(SCREAMING) "Hey get out of here!
"You don't know real jokes, let me tell you a real joke.
"Okay, so anyway, like I was saying, my cat's crazy..."
"Lady, we don't want to hear it, we just want..."
(GAGGING) "I can't believe it... I can't believe it."
"She was trying to..." (GAGS) "I know."
And, like, by this point I can't even talk,
so I'm just writing, "I appreciate it" in puke.
(ALL LAUGHING)
"Thank you, I appreciate it.
She's still like, "Anyway, who do you think you are, anyway, you imposter?"
I'm like, "Raven-Symone."
(LAUGHS) No, I just...
But I don't even look like Raven Symone.
I'm not, I'm Katie.
Anyway... (LAUGHS) Thanks so much.
I feel like, you know, like in the old cartoons, Felix the Cat or something,
when they stand like this even when they're not doing anything.
I feel like that's what I'm like all the time. (LAUGHS)
Isn't it true, I'm just always like this, like at the ready. No reason.
They should put me at the end of carwashes
and when clean cars leave, I just stand out like this...
"That's a clean car, that's a clean car."
"What is it?" "That's a clean car."
I almost got hit by a car.
Uh, well, that was a great take away. (LAUGHS)
I almost got hit by a car and the thing that surprised me most about it
was, uh, my reaction, not like anything else,
but just like, I was... My reaction was... The car almost hits me,
and I yell out, "Jesus Christ!"
It's out of my lungs.
I'm so embarrassed, like imagine, people around... Thank goodness, no one was.
Except for this idiot.
Anyway, "Jesus Christ!" And I thought like,
"Is that what I'd sound like when I'm dead, like, that's an angel?"
Sound on an angel?
Uh, I thought like, my voice sounds like... like a cartoon, like, uh...
(LAUGHS) I can maybe think of a worm in a can
and the farmer's going to throw me out,
and I'm like, "Don't throw me out, this is my home, Jesus Christ!"
That's what I'd sound like when I die, I sound like a cartoon worm.
And then imagine, like, witnesses, like, if I did die,
and, like, witnesses are asked, "So, like, what'd you see?"
But they, like, out of respect, they don't say that I sounded weird.
(LAUGHS)
"It was, like, really fast and it just hit her, and she didn't say anything."
(LAUGHS)
Respect! (LAUGHS)
I've had this song stuck in my head...
Maybe... (STUTTERS) It's so frustrating.
You probably know it. I can't... Anyway, this is the song stuck in my head.
Tell me if you know it, it goes...
# Keep me in the loop, Oh, yeah #
(ALL LAUGHING)
(STUTTERS) Do you know what I mean?
(LAUGHS)
# Keep me in the loop, Oh, yeah #
Do you know that song? I made it up. (LAUGHS)
But doesn't it sound like a real song? It does, don't you think?
# Drives me crazy when I don't know what's up
# Keep me in the, in the Oh, yeah, yeah #
Sounds like a Hall and Oates type of song.
(LAUGHS) Don't you think?
Okay, I want to end in, like, an impression.
'Cause I think that's a really great way
And, uh, do you guys know the band Smash Mouth?
ALL: Yeah!
Oh, good! I was so afraid.
-(ALL LAUGHING) -I'm going to alienate myself.
Smash... Okay, so this is my impression of the lead singer of Smash Mouth
reacting after his cat tries to bite him.
"Hey, now!"
And tries to bite him.
Okay, guys, I'm Katie Crown. Thanks a lot, thank you very much.
-(CHEERING) -Katie Crown!
Oh, I'm sorry, it's was a high five
-and now the hand shake. -Yeah, yeah.
We'll be right back. I mean it, we'll be right back.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
We're going to do the SNL ending.
It's been a great week, thanks to Lord!
Elijah Wood, Ben Schwartz, Katie Crown, Kumail Nanjiani.
You guys, thank you so much, what a fun week,
I've always wanted to host SNL and remember...
Enjoy your burrito!
(ALL CHEERING)
-Where'd you go? -I think I hit the mike.
Oh, you did?
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
(CHEERING)
Oh, my God, oh, my God, we did it, we did it!