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Hey, guys, Bertie's playing it cool.
But you guys coming over
for dinner tonight is
a really big deal to her.
So, be there by 6:00, and no bailing.
Ooh, bailing on dinner.
Nick, I need you.
Wingman sitch.
Jewish girl, sensible nose.
High-level target.
I can't be your wingman.
We got to go this Bertie dinner.
Don't make it seem like a chore, okay?
She is making ten or eleven soups.
And all of them are cream-based.
(Coach grunts)
Hey, Mom.
Hi, baby, I'm sorry to interrupt.
I know the morning is the most sensual time of day.
But, um, I need you. It's your sister.
Abby? What is it?
She was arrested at a hotel in San Diego.
How's everything with your sister?
I mean, she was caught stealing,
they called the cops, it's a mess.
Imagine me next door with a, with a nice Jewish girl.
Yeah, I've never met her.
I need you to go to the jail,
pick her up and put her on a plane home.
And by the way, um...
I don't know what kind of jail this is.
So be prepared for anything.
I mean, wear a shirt you don't love-love.
Love you.
(door slams closed)
Okay, here, these are all the ladles that I could find.
Ooh, this one is deep.
Well, what's up with your sister?
Well, she's coming to town.
Ooh, yikes, that's...
The best news ever? I know!
It's so, so, so, so, so, so,
so good.
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ It's Jess. ♪
Well, I can't wait to meet the mysterious Abby Day.
Not mysterious.
Jet setter.
You know, I always imagined her
with a French-speaking black husband,
like a Jerome St. Pierre.
So, I'll probably meet her at the airport
for a little layover hang.
'Cause I'm paying
attention to my girlfriend.
There, a reaction! Thank goodness!
Now I know I'm not a ghost.
Oh, you're going...?
I'll, uh, I-I got to go.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, Jess, Jess!
What if I came with?
Yeah, you know, I don't think
Why not?
Look, I just haven't seen her in a really long time, and...
Jess, I'd like to meet your sister.
Why don't we do this? Um...
Why don't I go pick her up? And then
come meet us for a quick dinner before she leaves?
Yeah. Okay.
Bye, Winston.
WINSTON: Wait!
No, no, no, no! Wait...
CECE: Hey, hey.
Are you really letting Nick meet Abby?
Hell no. I'm going to pick her up from jail.
Like, straight-up jail.
I told Nick he could meet her on her "layover"
but, whoops, her flight got changed. No time. Sorry.
NICK: I'm out of shampoo!
Gonna use bar soap! But your sister won't know the difference!
Okay! Can't wait for you to meet her!
(whispers): He's never going to meet her.
Hey.
to this dinner. It's a double date now.
Things are already weird enough between me and Cece.
Because you went on a date two months ago
and she never texted you?
Yeah.
All right.
Be there by 6:00 and bring a bottle of wine.
And don't be cheap, either. Bertie is a Somalian.
Okay.
Oh, tidings, Abigail.
I'm Jess's beau. My name is Nicholas.
Oh, good God.
Look, Schmidt,
I just want to make a good impression on Jess's sister.
Yeah, well, I want Julia Child not to be dead,
but here we find ourselves.
What did you come here to talk to me about?
As I was saying earlier,
I have a very difficult flirting situation here.
I mean, it's a double black diamond: trees, moguls.
And, as we both know, you're the best
wingman who's ever wung.
NICK: Thank you, Schmidt!
I'm almost glad I got in the accident
so we can have more days like this together,
with you helping me through this.
How could a guy so rich be so generous with his time?
Whoa...
Excuse me. Are you the writer
of So You've Mastered the Female ***, Now What?
Of course.
Come on, man. It's a quick party.
Okay, I'll do it,
but as soon as Jess says I've got to go, I'm out.
Thank you very much. For your mitigated support
and tiny portion of your life.
Okay.
Hey, Abby.
Oh, look who came to pick up her big, bad sister.
So, you good to go? Or you gotta sign yearbooks or something?
(lock buzzes, door rattles)
Bridget stole your gum.
What? You took my Fruity Fruit?
I ain't got your Fruity Fruit, ***!
Gum?
(grunting)
I want my Fruity Fruit!
I ain't got your Fruity Fruit, ***!
What about the new guy? I want to meet him.
We don't really have time to meet him 'cause I have to take you
to the airport 'cause Mom's already bought you a ticket.
I know all of her credit card information,
and I can just change it.
Sweet.
Why don't you just for once in your life do something
that you're not supposed to do?
I didn't put the cap back on the honey bear the other day.
Oh, my God. No! No!
Try-try it!
I have a perfect record. Get your hands away from me.
About.
I do. No.
That's great.
I know.
Did you just start driving really slow?
No, I actually think I'm speeding.
I hope there's no coppers around.
Drive faster.
Sorry, sir! Thank you for your service!
♪ You're over my head, I'm outta my mind ♪
♪ Thinking I was born in the wrong time... ♪
It's a bar mitzvah.
NICK: I am not watching a kid get circumcised.
The target is Rachael. She's a Hebrew school teacher.
Crashing some random kid's bar mitzvah's
the best way to get her?
Get her on the dance floor-- a little bit softer now,
a little bit louder now-- sweep her off her feet,
we'll get married, we'll have a son named Elon.
At his bar mitzvah, I tell the story of how I met his mom
at this bar mitzvah. Not a dry eye in the house.
Jewish continuity, et cetera, et cetera.
Do you realize how long you were just talking?
There she is. Whew!
What the hell is hamentaschen?
Problem is is her dad is my rabbi.
He hates me. So I just need to charm Rachael
before he gets to her and tells her horrible-slash-true things
Absolutely.
SCHMIDT: Oh! Hello!
Oh...
a special day. Oh, take my hand.
A special day.
You just wanted to take my hand so you could say that again, didn't you?
Oh.
I don't think we've had the pleasure of meeting.
May I take your hand, too?
You can take anything you want, Shirley.
So, yeah, just the...
just the two of us with Bertie and Winston tonight?
Yeah, just, uh... just-just you and me.
Uh, and Bertie. And Winston.
Yeah, like a...
Hmm?
Yeah.
So, uh...
Yeah.
How do you... how do you take it off to use the bathroom?
Mmm...
Whoa. Nice place.
Hey!
You look amazing. Look at you.
Oh, my God. I'm so happy you're not just paper-thin anymore.
Oh, my God. You're just the best.
Hello, Hot Cocoa. Whoa.
Nothing.
Mmm,
you want to have sex with her,
you... are not so sure.
(Coach and Cece chuckle)
If she doesn't want to put out, I will.
There you go.
♪ Abby Day, she always says ♪
♪ The most inappropriate stuff. ♪
You a cappella sing at me one more time,
I'll rip that stupid little dress off you
and shove it down your mouth.
JESS: Okay, I'm scared of you.
♪ Let's go in my room... ♪ Don't hurt me.
Please don't hurt me.
Damn it. She hasn't called.
Will you put please that away?
We're 30 seconds to curtain here.
I don't want to miss a call from Jess, man.
I need you focused. Are you ready?
Yes. I distract the rabbi while you hit on his daughter.
And action. Go.
Ugh.
What a spread, huh?
I agree.
Thank God I have pizza in my car.
(laughs) Yeah, that's very funny.
What's the matter with you? That wasn't a joke.
Who has pizza in their car?
Listen, when I make a joke,
you'll know it. I'm a joke machine.
What are the chances? I love jokes!
Oh, good, okay.
Uh... Oh, did you hear the one about the waiter?
Walks up to a table full of Jewish women and says,
"Ladies, is anything all right?"
(both laugh)
Hi.
Rack-hael!
Baruch ata Ado, nice dress.
Oh, thank you!
(laughs) Yeah.
Yeah. Thanks. Thanks.
It's fine. It's the only place
that would hire me after I got out of rehab.
'Cause they're rich people.
Yeah, they... well, these particular Jews happen
I'm sorry. Hold on...
Hey.
Hey, what's going on?
So Abby's flight is crazy delayed.
Um, so, no time for dinner.
I can come right now, Jess.
No. Um, she has, um, a conference call
with Hong Kong about a...
very important, uh...
fashion business, uh, venture magazine...
conference.
Well, maybe I'll see her next time.
Oh, no, no, no, no!
You will not speak to my daughter!
Rachael, this man is a nut ball!
A nut ball? How dare you! I'm a goof ball.
Sammy Davis, Jr. was a goof ball.
You, sir, are no Sammy Davis, Jr.
You're bad news. Bad news.
Daddy, I love sex, and he wants to have sex with me.
Let him! Oh, I love sex!
(whispering): Text me. Text me.
What was that, man?
Jess is embarrassed of me.
Can you believe that?
What's a shanda?
A shanda!
What a shanda!
All you care about is Jess.
Remember when we used to be best friends?
Uh, that was neat.
What a neat time in my life that was.
Hey, Schmidt!
My girlfriend's embarrassed of me.
Can we go on that for a little bit?
Or does the wingman never get to, you know, flap his wings?
The bird never gets to be the main bird.
This.
JESS: Ugh!
So, I just talked to Nick,
and this is a real shame in the pants,
but he's not coming home tonight.
He had to hang out with his work friends.
Guess it's just us till... the airport.
Mmm.
You see what you're doing, right?
(laughs)
(laughs)
No! I'm turning into Mom. How did this happen?
"Just a tipple."
Hey, I love that
(laughs)
Oh, my God. Wait. Big news. Mom got
one of those very, very small denim backpacks.
She did, and she calls it her blue guy.
She's, like, "Oh, I got to grab my blue guy."
Can't believe you're making fun of Mom.
You're her perfect little baby.
I'm... Hey, I'm...
I'm not really a baby.
You're a super grownup.
Thank you.
What?
I have a picture of Mom wearing the backpack
at her sign language class graduation.
You have to see this.
It's amazing.
I have it in a photo album.
(phone buzzing)
Ooh, bonus shot of Dad
getting a haircut while eating spaghetti!
(laughs)
Abby?
Hey, Outside D, have you seen a girl
that looks like me, but with chaos in her eyes?
Sorry. I'm doing my taxes.
Ooh! I'm taking in more than I'm spending.
Hey.
Hey. How's it going with Abby?
Yeah, you know, we were having fun for once, and then...
What happened?
Tell me what happened.
I will take care of it for you, baby.
Baby?
I got this.
I got this myself. Thanks.
Quick question.
Is pee-pee a write-off?
Hey.
Not sure my body's built for these chairs.
It's a regular chair, man.
Yeah.
Hey, bub.
How you doing?
Well, I want to apologize.
Sorry I got distracted.
It's okay.
I'm sorry your girlfriend hates you.
Ah, she doesn't hate me.
She's just ashamed of me or something.
Well, you know what?
If she's really ashamed of you, then...
then she's the stupidest *** in the whole wide world.
I apologize if I went overboard.
I've never been ashamed.
Wish I could have helped you get that girl, man.
Feel like I blew it.
Well, she was kind of nutty.
What happened to us, man?
We used to be the best in the biz.
We still are.
I'm the best wingman that's ever wung.
Absolutely.
♪ I will... always love you... ♪
You're my brother.
Thank you. Charge that to room 304.
JESS: Ah!
You! Charge that to nothing.
She's checking out.
Adding this hotel to your rap sheets?
You found me.
Don't you want to know why I left?
You saw my text, and I'm... I'm honestly sorry,
but... you do ruin everything!
Whoa. Thought I was gonna turn the tables with that one.
Get your *** in the car. I'm taking you to the airport.
Thought we could share some calamari.
Kobe beef sliders?
Lobster quesadilla?
Right now.
(sighs)
This is a great...
Mmm.
(clicks spoon on bowl)
You know, Bertie had a dream
she killed me. (laughs)
So, uh, Coach, what's new?
Nothing.
Isn't that right, Cece?
Hmm?
What's that supposed to mean?
Oh, you'll figure it out.
If not, just text me.
Or don't. You're good at that.
Oh, my God.
Okay. We made out
once, pointlessly, for two hours.
That's it.
Get over it. Let it go.
Pointless... was it?
I mean, who does that?!
Super-hot make out, and then, you ice me out for two months.
What are you talking about?! Ice out what?
You text me, "Happy Monday." What do I do with that?
Oh, I don't know. Maybe have a happy Monday.
Going out with you
was the hottest
and dumbest mistake I ever made!
It was the hottest, dumbest,
It was so dumb of me
to pick you up and press you up against that wall.
So dumb how cool those bricks made my skin feel.
You guys should try the fisherman's bisque.
Has just the right amount of tang.
Mm.
That's tang.
Okay. (laughs)
Sorry. I was trying... I was trying to...
Just gonna pivot a little bit more
Yeah, just pivot?
Okay.
...was more... I was up, right?
That's-that's how it was... yeah, up.
All right. Now what do we do?
Maybe just, like, lower your center of gravity, and then this is gonna work.
Just lower it down, I'm gonna clench my thighs.
I'm gonna fall. I'm gonna fall, all right? I'm gonna fall...
I'm clenching my thighs as hard as I can.
What? Oh. Geez.
Geez.
That was... awful.
Oh, my gosh.
Oh, Lord.
Maybe you were right not to text me back, 'cause that was...
embarrassing. (laughs)
(quietly): No, that's cool.
Can we just be friends now? You know?
(laughs)
Friends?
Friends.
Friends.
Come here, you.
Aah! Sorry.
Literally just bit my tooth.
Who does that?
(muffled): I think I broke my tooth.
Let me see?
Oh.
JESS: Okay.
Go straight to the gate.
Look... I get why you're mad at me.
Okay? But if it's any consolation,
I'm a woman in my 30s about to get on a plane
to go live with my mother.
It's only a matter of time
before I have a tiny denim backpack, too.
I said I would never go back to Portland.
So I guess I'm a complete failure.
I'm the baby.
(whistle blowing)
Is this the craziest thing that's going on
(whistle continues)
NICK: Do what I do best--
Well, it's a gift, Nick. I need you to ruin
What do you say, just get out there and do
It's got to be bigger than that, man.
Then I come out there and I... (grunts)
...knock you out. It's all right.
Again, it'll be a stage punch.
Don't worry. I've done several productions
BOTH: ...of West Side Story.
I know. You told me.
As a Puerto Rican Shark. ♪ Da, da. ♪
It was awesome.
You never came and saw it, but...
Whatever, never mind.
Gotcha.
He'll offer me his daughter's hand, then, five years from now,
Rachael is pregnant with Elon's little sister and we're having
a beautiful family New Year's then in our vacation condo
You're doing it again, you're talking in speeches.
You've been monologuing, lately, Schmidt.
I'm unaware,
You, okay. I'm not gonna get mad at you,
I'm unaware of it.
I apologize.
I'll stop doing it.
Yeah?
Light this cannon up so I can shoot off.
(whooshing, hissing)
(imitates explosion)
Oh!
Well, well, well, it's a snake in the grass.
How you doing? My name's Nick.
You know martial arts?
Swear to God you don't?
You run around with this hunk anymore,
this little surfer cat.
I know your game.
Charming the ladies with your baby blue eyes.
I wish I had 'em.
Breaking my heart, beautiful.
What?
And I all do is love you. I give and I give.
I been working for 40 years at the steel mill for you.
I want to rip that blouse off you and put it on me.
I want to wear your lipstick.
I want to rip those earrings off
and put 'em on and I want to be the girl!
That would be wonderful.
But I won't do it around all these crazy Jews.
And I don't care who's watching. I want what I want.
Ooh!
Whoa, what is... Hey, man.
That's my mother!
Ooh!
You okay?
Nice shot, Dr. Nussbaum.
Would you like to date my daughter?
Oh, great, yeah, tell the whole room that I'm available.
I'm not telling the whole room; I'm telling Dr. Nussbaum.
No, I got that.
Oh, hey.
I like your glass... What happened to your eye?
(sighs)
And I know that's embarrassing, and I know
you're too embarrassed of me
to introduce me to your sister.
And I get that, Jess.
You know what?
There is something I just cannot shake, I been tossing and turning all night long.
We literally have been apart for like 15 seconds, man. Get out of here.
I am your wingman now, Nick, because it-it takes two wings...
...for a, for a bird to dance.
Jessica Day, you are dating a champion.
And I don't know why on earth you would be embarrassed of him.
Excuse me?
I don't understand where this is coming from.
I am not embarrassed of Nick,
For real?
Well, that's great news.
I'm glad that's out of the way. Fantastic.
I'll see you guys for brunch.
Why would you think that?
Oh, hey.
I'm Abby.
Hi.
What?
What does that mean?
Everything.
Oh, come on.
Jess, I'm putting my stuff in your room.
So that mean you guys
are gonna stay in your room.
All right.
Well, she is just a delight. (chuckles)
So I might have told
a few lies about my sister.
Well, look, why lie?
You know how many Millers have been
or are currently in jail?
I get it. It's just, she's such a...
ABBY (muffled): I can hear you.
Right.
Anyway.
She needs me.
Right.
Can she stay with us?
Yeah, of course. How-how long?
A few weeks.
A month, tops.
Six months, super tops.
Just till I get on my feet.
Oh. What's your address?
In case I want to get any "deliveries."
I'm not telling you.
I'm not telling you, I'm n...
"Deliveries?" No.
Deliveries are fine, "deliveries," no.
Depends what you want "delivered."
I'll figure it out.
Well...
I love you.
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org