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-You look out of sorts. -Yeah.
You look worried – what's wrong?
No, no, l'm not worried, but l'm not well,
l'm nervous, l'm anxious. Don't know; been like this for weeks.
Yes, one can tell, actually.
Look, if you want l can give you a hand – l'm a licensed psychologist.
You're a licensed psychologist? l've known you so long – was unaware.
-Well, l'm not a practicing one. -Ah, that's why.
Sure, it's like you – many people don't know you are a neurotic.
And you sure are a practicing one!
-Thank you, very kind of you. -Not at all, you're welcome.
lf you'd like, l can give you a few sessions of therapy.
OK, trying it won't cost a thing.
Well, not exactly not a thing...
-What do you mean, a thing? -There's my fees.
Don't tell me you'll charge me fees! And our years of friendship?
No, l won't charge you for those.
-So how much will you charge? -Well, it's impossible to say.
First we do some diagnostic sessions, to see your approximate condition.
Then l'll give you an estimate.
-An estimate? -Of course.
We'll see how long it will take me,
labor, spare parts...
-Spare parts? -Yes.
No longer available, but... we'll try.
-Would you like to start right away? -Well, it can't do me any harm.
l don't know.
We'll do therapy front to front– lie down on the couch.
Didn't you say front to front?
l meant the fees will be an affront.
You know the psychoanalytical school to which l belong
has a watchword, a motto, which is:
" lt's important for the patient to lie supine...
and for his money to pine.''
l lie down, then. ls this all right?
Yes, yes, anyway it doesn't matter:
a therapy session, not photo session.
So, what seems to be the trouble?
-l don't know – a series of problems. -What do you mean series? How many?
A series... maybe three, four problems.
That isn't a series of problems,
it's a miniseries.
One of the things that worry me most is a thesis
l was asked to write on Johann Sebastian Mastropiero:
lnfluence of Musicological Structuralist Semiotics on Mastropiero's Works.''
The truth is, l don't know where to start.
Well, for example, Mastropiero's autobiography, his book of memoirs – do you know it?
l know it, but didn't" memoirize" it.
No, no... l mean the book Mastropiero wrote with his memoirs.
Well, of course he used his memory – it couldn't be dictated to him,
he wasn't going to copy it.
Oh, no? He copied every word of it.
Mastropiero copied the memoirs word for word from
the autobiography of another composer,
Gunther Frager. And you know how they found out?
Because he forgot to delete the chapter " Mastropiero is a Wretch.''
-Well, and also because of the title. -What is it?
My name is Mastropiero,
or my name isn't Gunther.''
But the more books by or on Mastropiero l read, the less do l know where to start.
How about, let's see, some work by him that has specially impressed you?
There is one l really love, which is medieval operetta:
The Crusader, the Archangel and the Harpy.'' –Ah... yes, yes.
lt's wonderful. lt's about the final battle for possession of the city of Jerusalem...
Yes, yes, l know it, l know it.
... between the Turks led by the powerful Sultan Saladdin
and the Westerns crusaders, commanded by the knight Christophe de Cotillion.
You know it?
No, l don't know it.
My brave men, we must return to the battle.
March! To the east!
We crusaders, with determination, return east, not a moment to be lost,
That's our destination, no matter what the cost.
We'll return to the battle, heading back east,
and that scoundrel we will rattle, we'll fix Saladdin, that beast.
-Although that Turk loves us least -we shall march to the east.
-Though in cruelty he likes to feast -we shall march to the east.
That man is such a vandal, to evil so adaptive,
that after battle – it's a scandal – he kills every captive.
-Though he attack with his host -we shall march to the east.
-Though of torturing us he'll boast -we shall march to the east.
-Though he cut us to little pieces -we shall march...
to the west.
My brave men, we cannot retreat.
We are at the most difficult moment of our crusade to free the Holy Land.
Afew hours ago l was about to launch the decisive battle against the evil Saladdin...
iBoooo!
... and at that moment a mysterious spell removed me from the battle front,
along with you, my best men...
and brought me to this remote forest, and this spell
can only be the work of the evil Sultan Saladdin!
Boooo!
-But Saladdin won't... -Booo!
-But Saladdin... -Booo!
But the guy l told you about...
won't get his way.
The hexes of that evil sultan will be worthless.
Yes, worthless... not worth a thing.
-The evil sultan! -... evil... he's bad!...
Saladdin.
Boooo!
Right, let's move it– to the east!
But... what's the meaning of those faces of distaste and reproof?
Distaste and reproof!
Sire, let us rest.
Yes, sire, we're exhausted. Why don't we enjoy the region's beauties a bit?
Look, l've brought "The Perfect Crusader's Guidebook''.
Boy, these are some places!
Here they recommend hotels:
Hotel The Muslim, lnn,''
The Christian, out.''
Grand hotel "The Crusader's Rest,'' beds, inn, resort.
-That's a good one... -That's good.
-We need to rest! -Well?...
The beds at the inn are the last resort?
Spur of Aquitaine... you don't speak like a true crusader.
You do your ancestors no honor.
Remember you're the son of the famous warrior Flagon of Burgundy.
His very name gives you valor, right?
No, it's a cramp – l'm very tired.
My father, Flagon of Burgundy!
He was the crusader most feared by the sultan's vassals.
When he appeared, haughty, fearsome, on icy winter mornings,
the Moors trembled with fear!
... ln winter.
And in summer?
They sweated with fear!
His mom a Moor, dad a noble Christian, that's why they called him
the criss-crossader.''
He wore his fearsome red armor, covered with articulated steel plates,
that's why they also called him "the crus... tacean.''
Well, enough talk. Let's get going!
l burn in my ardor to again meet up with that scoundrel Saladdin.
Boooo!
Sire, sire, have you met him? Have you ever run into... into...
Boooo!
We ran into each other briefly in battle. We just crossed a few words, not lances;
it was the crosswords.
l spoke to him in Oc, the modern Provençal language.
l said to him: "Oc... oc... oc..."
And what does that mean?
Surrender, you coward!
Pansy!''
-And he? -He said something l didn't get. He told me:
You're the son of a woman who traffics with her body...
across, six letters.''
Mother!
Or Father.
Grandma!
-No, six, six letters. -"Grandma'' has four.
Gr-an-d-ma. Four letters.
Let's go!
Halt, bold warriors! You mustn't advance!
Stand aside, my good man, or my sword will speak!
There's a speaker on it?
This must be a Saladdinian guard!
l have an idea for this fearsome guard to let us pass.
-What, Spur of Aquitaine? -We offer him money.
Money to a Saladinnian guard?
Oh! l had understood, "an Argentinian guard.''
l've told you to stand aside!
You should know that...
We crusaders are already marching back to the east –
we advance in that direction without halting in the least.
-Don't block our path! -But l'm not blocking your path.
l just want to warn you that you're wrong.
That's not the path to the battle, no!
The battle is that way. Because if you go this other way,
you'll be trapped by the sorceress Harpy.
Harpy attracts virtuous travelers and leads them to perdition.
Harpy?
Yes, they call herthat because she attracts them by playing her harp.
Does it very well, huh?
And then... she seduces them with the fatal attraction of sin!
Fear not, there's no way she could seduce us. We're holy men,
we see our mission very clearly: we'll go there very straight,
we'll freeJerusalem, call elections, and goodbye.
Your saying so relieves me because Harpy in her palace, with her beautiful damsels,
offers unknown vices.
Unknown?
Yes!... but easily learned.
Look at this map. This shows all the palaces in the region,
See? They're marked with an "X''.
This one here is Harpy's.
lt's been rated Triple X!
Yes, it's because there's sin there! Licentiousness! Boundless sex!
Let's go give her a lesson!
Yes, we go, we watch and come back.
Without touching a thing.
Listen, listen, before anything else you are going to find
a group of naked women dancers, embracing columns.
Listen to me! Harpy's palace is a den of perdition.
Evidently our presence there...
is essential.
lt could be a danger forthe knights who arrive after us.
We must hurry...
or they'll get there first!
But, listen... but... Sir knights...
And the battle?... And Saladdin?
Boooo!
The sun's rising already.
They should be back. l wonder how they spent the night.
We crusaders, with determination, return east, not a moment to be lost.
Oh, how l love you! How l love you!
My good man, you were right. What a night! What women!
l played column!
That harpy is incredible; she made me promise l'd return to her arms.
Why... she didn't hold you back?
-No! She expelled us from that den. -But why?
She says we're too perverted.
No, me, she fell in love with. When all this is over, l'll marry her.
l love you, Harpy, l love you, that it could happen l had no clue;
it was true that you would make my fantasies come true.
By your generous love l am undone, l find believing it hard;
before you, none
had let me pay with credit card.
And now... let's defeat Saladdin! Let's go!
-Christophe, Christophe... Christophe! -What's the matter?
There is something l must tell you:
during the night you spent with Harpy, Saladdin defeated your troops.
No, that can't be. He cannot win!
His faith is of lower quality than ours.
-But he won! -And how do you know that?
Christophe! lt's time you knew who l am...
l'm the Archangel Manuel!
Oh! l bow before your majes...
-er... your highness, er... -He's an archangel.
Your archangelity!
l've got a message for you, from...
well, you can imagine – l mustn't take His name in vain.
l'm sure He congratulates me for my Christian performance. –Not exactly.
Look, he sends me to say, "Christophe, you're an imbecile,
who told you to go fight Saladdin?''
-An imbecile? -Yes!
-But... in what way? -What do you mean, in what way?
You were ordered to bring the true faith, and what did you do?
Pillaging, ***! You razed entire towns!
l thought l was interpreting His will. l'm only a humble serf.
So you just rode a wave: "serf's up''?
And your performance last night, with Harpy,
was a disgrace to Christianity!
Well... l was a bit tired – it's the first time it's happened!
Christophe, l've got news for you:
it wasn't Saladdin who cast the spell pulling you from the front. l did!
l was told to avoid you being killed.
That's why last night l removed you with a miraculous puff from the battlefield,
-and pushed you towards Harpy's palace. -Harpy, my love!
The Lord didn't want you to die. l really don't see why.
Clearly he wants to keep you as long as possible...
far from his glory.
You certainly don't make the grade, your understanding is the poorest–
you were here on a crusade, and not as a sex tourist.
And what will become of me?
Look, it's clear that here, in the east, you've failed,
so the Lord has assigned you another important task.
Yes, you must take ourfaith to the west, through the ocean...
you shall discover new lands!
Look, so as not to arouse suspicion, we'll give you a pseudonym.
-What was your name again? -Christophe de Cotillion.
Christophe de Cotillion... l know!
Christopher Columbus!
-Westward? -Always westward.
And how will l find the way? How will l find the right path?
No, no, you can't miss it. The Lord confers a special power on you:
The Geo Power Sacrament!
The G.P.S.!
We crusaders are on our way heading back again west,
there we go, come what may,
even if it costs a treasure chest.
Archangel, before leaving, clear up one doubt.
Was Harpy's love faked?
Yes.
No! Don't say that! lt can't be! But... but what is that woman?
An enchantress? A sorceress? A witch?
-Tell me, what is Harpy? -You know what Harpy is?
A woman who traffics with her body, across, six letters.''
Oh! Like my mother! �