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♪ It seems today that all you see
Is violence in movies and sex on TV
♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values
On which we used to rely?
Lucky there's a family guy
♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do
All the things that make us
♪ Laugh and cry
He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.
Coming up, important traffic news that can't help you
because you're someplace where a TV is.
But first, get ready, Quahog,
because Barry Manilow will be performing this weekend
at the Quahog Performing Arts Center.
(scoffs): Barry Manilow.
What a joke.
So stupid.
And boring as hell.
Yeah, no kidding.
You couldn't pay me to go to that thing.
Hey, you know what we should do?
We should go just as a goof.
That'd be hilarious.
Yeah, just look at all the idiots.
All the dumb *** Manilow fans.
Yeah. I mean, he's got, he's got like, one good song.
Yeah, I mean, "Mandy" is not terrible.
Yeah, the opening's okay.
And I guess you can't hate "Copacabana."
Yeah, if you're in the right mood.
"Daybreak" is a good song.
Oh, yeah. That's a good song.
And I like "Weekend in New England."
Yeah, that's a good one.
"Looks Like We Made It."
Yeah, it's not bad. Right?
I love Barry Manilow.
Oh, my God, he's the best!
I have everything he's ever recorded!
Me, too! In my car!
We have to go to that concert.
We are going to that concert.
♪ And I'm...
ALL: ♪ Ready to take a chance again
Ready to put my love on the line
With you Been living with nothing to show for it
♪ You get what you get when you go for it
BARRY MANILOW: And I'm ready to take
A chance again with you
(applause)
Thank you. Thank you very much.
PETER: You're welcome.
For this next song, I'm gonna need some help
from a member of the audience.
So, let's see, um...
what's your name?
Claire.
Uh... no, I don't like that.
Uh, what's yours?
Harriet.
Uh, no, it's got to be two syllables.
Peter! Cleveland!
Joseph! Joseph!
Quagmire!
Wow, that's exotic.
All right, why don't you come up and join me on the stage?
(gasps): Go, go, go, go, go! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, oh, my God! He picked Glenn!
I hate you so much right now!
♪ The night goes into morning
Just another day
Happy people pass my way
♪ Looking in their eyes I see a memory
I never realized how happy you made me
♪ Oh, Quagmire Oh...!
Well, you came and you gave without taking
I would never take from you, Barry.
♪ But I sent you away
Oh, Quagmire
You kissed me and stopped me from shaking
And I need you today
Oh, Quagmire.
God, he's so talented.
You know he wrote all those Kentucky Fried Chicken jingles.
I don't care for them.
Not after what happened to Foghorn Leghorn.
I say, I say, son, what-what do we got brewing in here?
I was walking by when I picked up the smell
of 11 herbs and spice... agh!
(chuckles): Look at that boy,
running all around like a chicken with its head cut...
Wait a minute.
This Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!
One day only.
Lasik Eye Centers will heal your eyes.
How much would you pay for laser eye surgery?
How about...?
Jewish!
So come on down
to the Hydrox Arena this Sunday, Sunday!
Get your eyesight fixed.
Unless you don't have the balls.
(thunder rumbles)
Hey, I could use some Jew eye surgery.
What the hell? Where's my wallet?
Aw, crap, I must've dropped it at the Barry Manilow concert.
Dropped it at the what? And where was I?
Agh, Peter, you and your excuses
for losing your wallet.
"I dropped it at the concert."
"The *** took it."
"It's with my other family."
That one was true.
And let me tell you something,
they appreciate me for who I am.
All right, Peter, have a good business trip.
Taxi!
Who's hungry?
Yeah! Mommy's home!
Hello, dear.
I'm so glad you're home.
While you were away, I tried to do the laundry.
Your favorite shirt.
Adam Kenneth Handleman, when will you learn?
(laughing)
(gasps): Oh, my God, Peter,
your Visa bill is $16,000!
Somebody's been using your credit card.
Didn't you cancel it when you lost your wallet?
I hear what you're saying, Lois,
but unlike my credit card,
I'm carrying a very low rate of interest.
(pops mouth) Let me see that.
A big screen TV, a massage chair
from Sharper Image, plane tickets...
Peter, someone has obviously stolen your credit card.
Well, here's the good news, Brian.
Whoever the thief is, he's spending less
than my wife. (pops mouth)
Wait, look at this.
He eats at House of Chung every day.
House of Chung, eh?
Come on, let's go, Brian. I'm gonna get revenge.
Just like I did against that pigeon that pooped on my car.
Oh!
That's right.
Get it nice and clean.
The place is packed.
How are we gonna figure out who has your credit card?
I got it, Brian. Smell my ***.
What? Smell my ***.
It's where I keep my wallet.
Get the scent and then find the guy that smells like me.
Peter, that's ridiculous.
Come on, boy, get the scent.
Cut it out! Get a good sniff.
That's disgusting.
You're an idiot, you know that?
Wait a minute.
(sniffing)
Your wallet's over there.
(gasps)
Oh, my God, it's you!
James Woods.
Hello, Peter.
I've been expecting you.
You stole my credit card, you son of a ***.
What did I ever do to you?
That's a good question, Peter.
What did you ever do to me, hmm?
What did you ever do to James Woods?
Well, I locked you in a wooden crate
and forgot to put an air hole in it.
Forgot to put an air hole in it.
Well, you kind of had it coming.
Look, Mr. Woods, just give Peter back his wallet.
Oh, no, Brian.
I'm just getting started.
Peter, you humiliated me.
You put me through hell.
And now you're gonna pay for it.
So get ready...
(sniffs)
Oh, that kung pao chicken smells good.
You smell that, Brian?
All I can smell is your ***.
Lois, we found the guy who stole my wallet.
You'll never guess who it was.
James Woods?
WOODS: Hello, stranger.
I don't recall inviting you into my home.
Peter, he's been here for four hours.
I told him to leave, but he keeps saying he lives here.
I say, this is more uncomfortable
than having James Brady at a cocktail party.
All right, so I got my hand gun
and I'm just randomly firing it into a crowd of people
and then...
And then what?
And nothing. Nothing.
No, no, I'm anxious to hear
the conclusion of your story.
Ah, it's stupid.
Stupid story.
I'm calling the police.
That won't be necessary.
I already did. (doorbell rings)
Hello, Officer. Would you be kind enough
to remove this trespasser from my home?
What are you talking about? This is my house.
No, this house belongs to Peter Griffin.
And that's me.
Hmm... driver's license,
Social Security card, passport, title to the house.
This puts me in a tough spot.
Joe, you can't possibly believe this.
You know who Peter is.
I know, Lois, but this man has all the paperwork.
Oh, come on, this is identity theft.
I hate to have to do this,
but I'm afraid legally I have no choice.
I'm gonna have to ask you to leave, sir.
Thanks, Joe.
Clam later? We'll hoist a few?
Sure, Peter. Joe!
Hey, not so fast, pal.
Those are my clothes.
Oh, come on. You heard him, fella.
Take 'em off. Right down to the poop sack.
What?
You don't all wear a poop sack?
Damn it, Bonnie!
You lied to me about the poop sack!
Hello, family.
Hello, honey.
Oh, schnoopy... (speaking gibberish)
Stop calling me that.
I don't care what the law says,
you're not Peter Griffin, you're James Woods.
I should've warned you,
she can be a real *** in the morning.
Mom, this is really weird.
I want Dad back. I don't.
Having a celebrity dad is a real thrill.
Not like the fake thrill
of running into your ex-girlfriend on the street.
Rob?
Hey! Hey! How are you?
God, it's good to see you.
Good to see you, too.
How's my dog? I-I'm sorry, your dog?
Oh, I had to give him away.
Gave him away!
Well, Dave's allergic. Dave!
All right, so there's a Dave.
That's great. God, Dave sounds great.
Yeah, he is.
And his parents are so sweet.
Ah, met his parents and they're sweet.
Just older Daves, huh? (laughs)
What a family. God, it's good to see you.
You won't get away with this, Woods.
You know, you're not supposed to be in the house, Brian.
You're more of an outdoor dog.
What the hell does that mean?
This is so humiliating.
For God's sake, I went to Brown
and he's got me out here tied to a post like some kind...
(barking)
What the hell?
This rope was a lot longer, and now it's somehow gotten shorter.
What sort of black magic is this?
Brian, guess what?
I gave James Woods your novel to read,
and you're not gonna believe this.
Really? Did he like it?
He wants to option it and make a movie!
Really?
No, he didn't really respond to it. Oh.
Listen, I need your help.
Run inside and get me a pair of scissors.
No. Why not?
Because you made me watch that video
with the two girls and a cup.
Okay, wait, so what is this now?
Just watch.
Why are we taping my reaction?
Just-Just watch.
Okay. They're lesbians, clearly.
(tender music playing)
I don't know...
(muttering)
Wait. Wait.
(chuckles)
W-W-W-What...?
W-What?!
(chuckles)
No! No!
Ahh... (screams)
(screams)
Ah, what is wrong with you?!
Oh, my God!
Aah...
Aah...
Oh, I'm never gonna be able to eat ice cream agai...
Oh, my God! Oh! (laughs)
(groans)
(chuckles)
Oh, my God!
(tender music continues)
Ohh!
Oh, that is disgusting!
Oh, my God!
Oh, can you imagine if two dudes did that?
Oh, my God, that'd be even worse!
I mean, like would that... would that even exist?
I mean, like where would you even find that?
Let's type it in and see what comes up.
So, you can just rot out here, Brian.
Brian, what are you doing tied to Meg's pole?
Peter, you gotta get outta here.
If James Woods sees you, he's gonna call the cops.
I miss my family, Brian, and I gotta see 'em. (shotgun cocking)
Well, well.
A trespasser on my property.
That's the worst thing that's happened to me since...
(gasps)
You wouldn't!
It's up to you, Peter.
Either you leave now...
or I set up one of your random flashbacks.
All right, all right, all right, okay.
Peter, what do you care...? No, no, Brian, he's serious.
I'll come back for you, Lois.
And I'll set up all the flashbacks, just like I used to.
Like the time I swallowed that midget
who played Mini-Me just so I could make you laugh.
You ready for dinner, Peter?
Oh, yeah. In fact...
my stomach has been talking to me all day.
I said my stomach has been talking to me all day.
Come on, say the line.
Oh, oh, there he is.
You know what, he slipped into my colon.
Yeah, oh, damn it, he's smothered.
Uh, but-but, let... just, lemme just ask you this, Lois--
if my stomach had said, "Hell, yeah, I'm hungry.
How 'bout some pork chops?"
would you have thought that was funny?
Eh, not really.
Ah. Well, then, this has been an absolute misfire.
Oh, this is just awful.
James Woods is destroying this family,
and all just to get back at Peter.
I know, he's doing all the stuff Dad usually does.
Right now he's upstairs talking to Meg.
Now, Meg, you want to be thin
like all the Hollywood starlets, right?
Yeah, but I love to eat.
Well, I've got a way that you can eat all you want
and look like a Hollywood starlet.
Meg, let me introduce you to Mr. Pukey.
Hiya, Meg. Hi.
Gosh, Mr. Pukey,
you sure are good at making fat women hot.
Wow, thanks.
You think you could help out my friend Meg here?
Yeah, I think I could give her a... hand.
(laughing)
(laughing)
Now close your eyes, Meg,
and let Mr. Pukey help you out.
(retching)
Whoa.
When did Reese Witherspoon get here?
(gasps and squeals)
Mr. Woods, how do I get a girl to like me?
Oh, Chris, I'm your father.
Call me Dad.
Um, okay... Dad.
How do I get a girl to like me?
Well, there's a number of ways, Chris.
Uh, for example, uh, Heather Graham and I
had a mutual friend
and he threw a punch social one day
and we both happened to be there.
Next thing you know,
we're both in the back room, slam-***.
I went bareback...
Wow, she sounds like a class act.
Oh, not at all, Chris. No, not at all.
What am I gonna do, Brian?
James Woods has taken my life and my family.
I know, Peter, but identity theft
is one of the hardest things to fight.
How you gonna handle it?
I don't know, Brian.
All I know is, I sure do miss Lois.
I gotta find a way to see her.
And I think I just got an idea.
A much better idea than when I did magic for the blind.
Is this your card?
I don't know.
Was it a red card?
I don't know what red is.
Ta-da.
You know what's amazing, Lois?
A week from tomorrow,
it'll be 20 years we've been married.
I married Peter Griffin, you lunatic!
Uh, hello. I was there, see?
Hi, everyone. Sorry I'm late.
I brought a friend home for dinner.
Mom... Dad...
This is Scooter.
Uh... hello, Scooter.
Hi, Scooter.
Hey, everybody. Sure is swell of you to have me over.
What's for eats, Mrs. G?
Uh, meat loaf, Pe... I mean, Scooter.
I hope you like it.
Leapin' lizards, meat loaf is my favorite.
Scooter, how come we've never met you before?
Shut up, Meg.
You know, Scooter,
we don't allow hats at the dinner table.
Oh, my bad, Mr. G. Dad, no!
Aha! I should have known!
Get out of my house right now,
son of a ***. (whimpers)
(gunshots)
(screaming)
(crying)
Well, that's it, Brian.
I guess he's won.
I guess he's Peter Griffin now.
Wait a minute, Peter.
If he's Peter Griffin,
then that means you can be James Woods.
That's a great idea, Brian.
If I was a famous movie star, I wouldn't even want my family.
No, no, Peter, I'm saying
you can do to him what he did to you.
You can ruin him.
I'll do it, I'll be James Woods.
From this day forth, I am James Woods.
And I'll stick to that story, even if nobody believes it.
I'll tell you what nobody believes in: ghosts.
(rag-time piano tune plays)
Where did Robinson Crusoe go
With Friday on Saturday night? Ha!
Damn. Play me off, Johnny.
(playing rapidly)
You're probably wonderin' why he's in hell.
Johnny liked little boys.
The question is, Brian,
how am I gonna make people think I'm James Woods?
The same way he did, Peter.
Identity theft works both ways.
The first thing we're gonna do is get you a perfect fake I.D.
I know a guy who does good work.
You took a big risk coming here, man.
James Woods could be back any minute.
I know. How fast can you do it?
As fast as Spider-Man when he gets laid.
Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
That's never happened to me before.
It's just... you're so attractive
and it's been a while.
I'm gonna go.
You know, some people say that's good for your hair.
Yeah, thanks.
(band playing theme music)
Welcome back to the, uh, program, ladies and gentlemen.
Please welcome our next guest, Mr. James Woods.
Oh, James.
(applause)
Wait a minute, you're not James Woods.
Oh, I believe I am.
Driver's license, Social Security card, American Express.
What the hell is he doing?
Wow, I guess you are James Woods.
So, uh, now, let me understand this,
what are you here to promote, James?
Well, Dave, I have a hilarious new movie
coming out on HBO next month.
It's all about 9-11.
The movie's called September 11, 2000-Fun.
(all gasping)
No! No, no, no, no!
James, that sounds unbelievably offensive to Americans.
Well, you haven't heard what the movie's about.
I play a window washer who has just finished washing
the last window of the World Trade Center.
And then I turn around to get off the scaffold,
and what do you think I see coming?
A plane.
And I go "Come on!"
You know, it-it's real, real old style comedy.
You know, it-it's like, it's like two pies in the face,
and one in a field in Pennsylvania.
James, I don't want to hear any more about this.
And the voice of the plane is David Spade.
What?!
I would never work with David Spade!
That dwarf!
That skinny chicken (bleep)!
Okay, I-I think we've heard enough of this.
Now let's go to Michael Richards for his apology
regarding, uh, the incident at the Laugh Factory.
Michael, why don't you explain
exactly what happened for the folks who don't know?
I, uh, I lost my temper on stage.
Uh, I-I got heckled, and went into, um, a rage...
and, uh, uh... said some very, um...
nasty things to some Afro-Americans.
(scattered chuckling)
Stop laughing. It's not funny.
Well, Brian, it's been a productive week.
I think I've successfully
destroyed James Woods' reputation.
(TV news theme playing)
Here it is.
Well, our top story continues to be
the fall of actor James Woods,
who almost overnight has gone
from America's most beloved celebrity
to America's most hated pariah.
You're in a lot of trouble, Griffin! You (bleep)!
Oh, no, sir.
You're Peter Griffin.
I'm James Woods.
You ruined my reputation.
And now you are gonna pay for it.
We're gonna settle this like men.
All right, we'll settle it like men.
But not here.
Meet me out in the alley in 20 minutes.
I'll be there.
You be there, too, you little piece of stool.
All right, Peter, I'm here.
Where are you?
Ooh, a piece of candy.
Ooh, a piece of candy.
Ooh, a piece of candy.
Ooh, a piece of candy.
Ooh, a piece of candy.
Ooh, a piece of candy. Ooh, a piece of candy.
Ooh, a piece of candy.
Ooh, a piece of candy.
Okay, Brian, next time
let's remember this right away,
because he's done this twice.
Oh, Peter, we're so glad to have you back.
I missed you.
I missed you, too, Lois.
So, what happened to James Woods?
Oh, he's being examined by top men.
Who?
Top... men.
(dramatic music plays)