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I want you to walk down the street with your *** and *** out, love. Seey? It's all about the confidence!
Jason Statham is back...
As Steve Stevio, a man of many parts! Fighter...
You're in for it now, you toilet!
Lover...
You're gonna get it now, you toilet!
UN ambassador...
But when he's kidnapped by a group of Korean dissidents and injected
with a mysterious drug...
You total bloody toilet!
..this complex man becomes a complex machine...
..of punching!
Jason Statham is The Puncher!
Don't know what those *** injected me with,
but I can't stop bloody punching.
It's the President.
You...toilet...mate.
I just wanna see my little gal!
Are you sure you want to?
Send her in, you toilet!
Daddy!
Josie!
Josie!
WHY-Y-Y-Y?!
..Closely followed by Puncher 2 and 3
because we make this *** back to back!
One cop with a special gift -
the ability to get inside the mind of the criminal. Meet the Mind Cop.
OK, bring me up to speed.
A 30-year-old Caucasian male, the bellhop found him lying
there two hours ago. Looks like he downed some pills and booked
a one-way ticket to boot hill.
Or maybe his boyfriend breaks through the door
and rapes him there on the bed.
No, sir, there was a suicide note. He was upset after his girlfriend
dumped him again. He was straight, sir.
Now we're getting somewhere. Now we've got a motive.
The jealous boyfriend finds out that he's having an affair with a broad.
He breaks down the door
and green-eyed with a gay rage, rapes him!
No, sir, no, there was no *** activity.
Shut up! I'm just trying to get inside the killer's shoes, you ***!
OK. Help me walk this room. I'm the killer, you're the victim.
(IMITATES URBAN ACCENT) Oh, ma-a-a-n!
I'm so high, man.
Why the *** is my man *** sniffing around
some white bread ***, man?
I'm gonna find that bisexual ***
and I'm gonna kill his ***...
..with my ***!
Lieutenant, listen, there was no *** assault.
Shut up! Never disturb me when I'm in character, you putz!
OK. So I walk through the door and I see you
putting on that red lipstick there.
What?
Put on the lipstick. That's an order!
And then you see me and you scream.
Scream!
Ahhh!
I panic. And I beat your *** brains out.
Shut your mouth, you pink-lipped, tight-assed ***!
And then what?
No.
Oh, God, no!
You *** him, didn't you?
You dirty *** ***!
Summer on ITV1, and a literary character reveals a new side.
It's Mr Marple.
Why have you called us here, Miss Marple?
Simple, Mr Barrington Smythe Tilson.
I intend to unveil to you all the identity
of the cowardly murderer in our midst.
You mean you know who killed poor Georgina?
Yes. And that person was...
MOBILE RINGS
Excuse me. ..Hello?
Hello, darling, it's only me.
Just checking what time you'll be home tonight.
A bit later than I said.
'What? Why?'
Are you solving another *** at one of those country mansions again?
Yes, but it will only be a quick one.
Yeah, I've heard that one before.
I thought we agreed we were going to have a romantic night in tonight?
I've even cooked a roast chicken, a Sainsbury's Taste The Difference one.
Sorry to interrupt, Miss Marple, but if could to get back to the ***.
Did she just call you Miss Marple? You were pretending not to be married
again so you can bed one of those aristocrats?
I hate you. You ***!
I don't suppose I could stay here tonight, could I?
That's Mr Marple, coming soon on ITV1.
New from Wintendoh, the Piii.
A totally new generation of home gaming,
with great games, including Baby Scanner.
Scan her belly and watch your kid on telly. Only on the Piii.
Free with tomorrow's Daily Mail, it's your own DVD to keep.
It's classic comedy sketches ruined by political correctness,
featuring this classic sketch from the 1960s.
I am upper class.
I am middle class.
I believe that in an era of widespread opportunity
and heightened social mobility such class divisions are archaic
and often damaging to a wider and progressive cultural consensus.
We're being awfully elitist, aren't we?
Yes. Yes, I quite agree.
And who could forget this one from the 1970s?
I wish to make a complaint about this parrot.
Right. Have you got a receipt?
Yes.
Due to the Sale of Goods Act 1979, I can offer you a full refund.
Thanks very much.
And including this golden oldie.
You're auditioning for the role of Tarzan.
That's right.
A role which traditionally involves a two-legged actor.
Absolutely.
Due to recent employment laws I have no choice but to give you the job.
Great!
Free with tomorrow's Daily Mail!
'Go on, give us a ciggy. Go on, give us some chips as well.
'Give me some more chips if you don't mind. Ooh, can I have some drugs?
'Oh, go on. I'll have a few more chips as well then.
'Actually, just put everything on my plate, I'll eat it.'
(IN FRENCH ACCENT) Greedy, the stench of Kerry Katona.
Now on Bravo, a bit of man time. It's the Rugby Boys.
Push.
Come on, guys, let's do this. Yeah?
I just find it hard to relate to my mother. She's so selfish and needy.
Can't she understand I have my own life now?
How long since you left home?
A month.
Empty nest syndrome. She feels pointless now.
She's raised you for 20 years and you've just gone.
It's like she hates me.
There's a thin line between love and hate that's easily crossed. Any ideas?
Invite her round, show her that she still has a place in your world.
Good idea. That way she'll still feel like a big part of your life.
Yeah. I really like these chats, thanks guys.
We all do, Jim. Listen, I got you some chocolates.
Thanks so much, that's so nice of you!
That's all right, mate. Let's do this, yeah?
Yeah. 1, 2, 3!
From the makers of Frost/Nixon comes another film adaptation
of another seminal TV interview.
Ladies and gentlemen, my next guest...
Michael Sheen is Aspel.
He's pissed. I'm Michael bloody Aspel, I can't interview
a drunken actor on television...
..Or can I?
Please welcome Oliver Reed.
# I was born as the wild one
# And all the folks in town
# I'm a wild one... #
*** hell!
Danny Dyer as Oliver Reed.
Why do you drink?
Because some of the finest people I've ever met in my life
were in pubs.
Aspel/Reed - in theatres Friday.
Now it's Michael Rockerfeller.
He's the personal shopper who just loves London.
Hello.
Are you from London?
Oh, my God, I love London!
Have you ever had tea with the queen of London?
She came here last year on spring break, I was her personal shopper.
I was so nervous. She has such a hot *** for her age.
And her *** is at the front.
I think that's how you can tell somebody is from royalty because
when Prince Charles married Diana...
Diana, why did they take you from us?
..On their wedding night Prince of Charles saw that Diana didn't have a *** at the front
so he had to call the Queen's Attorney and it was just
so over before it even started, and that is why she shot herself.
I shouldn't say this because the Queen could chop off my head and put me on a spike in Wembley.
I have one more secret about the Queen,
but you have to swear not to tell anyone, so help me God.
The Queen's real name...
..Is Helen Mirren.
She works at Scotchland Yard solving murders.
Do you want to see what I made her? Come here.
My friend Edmundo got me a Corgi, but I to go to a club and fed it
ecstasy and its heart burst, so I put on a little handle
and I put in a zipper so the Queen could put her *** in it.
It's really great. If you look in here, I'll just show you...
It's got this beautiful little purse bit in the side
that she can put a lipstick... They've gone back to Londonshire!
There'll be more Michael Rockerfeller next week.
Over on Dave now, Top Gear.
Followed by...
Billy has been an important member of this squad.
He will be missed while he's out.
There will be a big hole in midfield over the next few games, but it's not
about one player in a club like this.
We've just got to keep our heads down, move on and
try and get the win next Saturday.
I think that's what he would have wanted.
Shocking revelations today from the world of showbusiness,
where the nation's favourite puppet, Sooty,
has been revealed to be a tyrant to work with.
In a Dispatches special following this bulletin, Sooty is revealed
to be a bully who was the polar opposite of his public persona.
Eye witnesses have come forward to corroborate the stories,
but have asked us to hide their identities for fear of reprisal.
Can you tell me what Sooty was like to work with? �