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bjbj So one of the most important things you can do to really, really ensure that you re
taking care of yourself is to be able to have a really good rapport with your partner or
your partners. You want to be able to talk to those people honestly and authentically,
and you want to have established a good relationship where you re able to talk about things you
need to talk about and you have the space where you can do that in a way that is true
to you, it s genuine. What I really strongly recommend, not just for trans people but really
for anybody, is learning the skill of negotiation. Now, contrary to what some people might think,
negotiation is not trying to persuade or manipulate somebody into doing things your way. Negotiation
is simply the term we use for talking about sexuality or sex practices with your partner
or partners, and that can include lots of different things. It s really just the discussion,
and that would include who, who is going to be involved, what are we doing, when and where
and for how long? What are some limits psychologically, emotionally, or physically that you might
have? What are medical issues to be concerned, if there is any kind of an issue with being
differently abled, or having an STI (previously or currently). You need to talk about your
pain threshold, whether it s okay to leave marks. You can talk about titles and roles.
You can talk about safe words, and if you re going to be doing anything that s going
to involve restricting your ability to verbally communicate, you need to have some kind of
a back-up option in terms of a safe action, something you can do to signal enough is enough.
You also should talk about follow-up, what you re going to do when you re done with your
scene, and you really want to be able to check in with each other and see how things went
and talk things out and see if maybe there s some way that you can improve things or
perhaps there s something you d like to try again, this is really just being able to very
clearly and honestly talk to your partner. So, this communication thing, it s the cornerstone
of everything in your relationships. It is much, much, much more rewarding to have a
relationship with somebody that you re able to effectively and healthily and honestly
communicate with. In addition to the normal concerns that are discussed within the context
of relationships, trans people might also want to consider talking about how our bodies
work, what triggers we might have, what areas of our bodies or activities are off limits,
and what we do find to be both affirming and sexy. For some trans men, frontal penetration
or touching the chest before surgery can cause dysphoria. Similarly for some trans women,
using your *** for penetration or having it touched can have that same kind of effect.
Now, trans people still do all of these things, of course, but it s important to remember
that comfort levels can shift and they can vary with different times, different partners,
and different scenarios as well. These conversations can be very difficult for people to have,
especially if they re experiencing a lot of dysphoria currently or they re in general
unsure of how to talk to their partner about what they need or what they feel. But you
remember that having conversations like that is what helps build intimacy and closeness
in your relationships, and it ensures that everybody will have a good, safe, fun, respectful,
and sexy time. Now, it s the question of what makes a respectful partner, and this is a
larger topic, again something that I m probably going to address in a future video, but I
at least want to touch on it in the context of this safer sex education. A respectful
partner, somebody who has healthy boundaries and compassion, is somebody who s going to
be patient with you, they ll keep an open mind, and they ll find other fun ways to explore
your sexuality together in ways that will minimize your dysphoria. Oftentimes too whenever
we discuss sex and relationships in trans communities, the issue of disclosure, or what
some people call coming out, often comes up, and let me just throw this out there. There
is no magic or correct answer. You always should consider your individual situation
and your location. What works in Portland, Oregon, might not work in Jackson, Mississippi,
and what works in the context of hooking up or a strictly *** relationship might not
be the same as it is for maybe a more going steady kind of dating scenario. And of course,
people are always people. That is you and your partner and anybody else who might be
involved. People are really the one variable that you really cannot control for, ever.
So you need to consider everything about your particular situation and trust your instincts.
As far as the right time, the right time to disclose is whenever you decide it s right
for you. Your trans status, it s your personal information, which you may choose to share
with your partners or you may not. Disclosure is not an obligation. You don t have to share
this information about yourself any more than you would share any other intimate details
about yourself, and we don t normally say that people are lying if they haven t shared
those things by a certain point in a relationship. There can be many reasons why you may or may
not want to tell you partner, and that s something you have the right to decide for yourself.
There s also a very strong social stigma against trans people, almost always trans women, because,
guys, let s be honest, we don t often have this kind of thing directed at us or we don
t have it directed to us as much. So in the case of trans women, there is a very strong
stigma against choosing not to disclose, which fuels the cissexist beliefs that we are really
something other than what we say we are or that we are lying by simply being ourselves
and living our lives. This is the same thing as if you said a woman who was sexually assaulted
was asking for it because she was wearing a short skirt or she was walking alone or
she s had a lot of partners. It s all the same. It s victim-blaming, it normalizes violence,
and it s WRONG. The fault for an assault is always with the perpetrator and not with the
survivor ever. s also, disclosure is not a guarantee of safety. Trans panic, I m sure
you ve heard of these defenses before. I killed her because I slept with her and I found out
she was a man. That s a trans panic defense, and they re false and they re prejudicial
in the same way gay panic defenses are. I found out he was gay and he was hitting on
me and I shot him. Reasonable and sane people don t believe that kind of stuff, you know?
In most cases where anti-trans violence has occurred, the attacker actually already knew
that the person was trans. The reason people use these trans panic defenses is because
they can appeal to the prejudices of the larger public, and they realize that using those
kind of defenses in court often gets them lighter sentences, even when it s very obviously
demonstrable that the person did already know and that the trans panic defense is itself
deceptive and false. So again, you want to trust your own instincts and don t let other
people who aren t in your situation try to determine for you what s the right answer
in this case. As far as dating safety, again, these are pieces of advice that really can
apply to everybody, but in the context of this situation, they re especially important
to remember. And ways you can help to protect yourself: you can meet your dates in public
spaces that are closer to where you live. Preferably you want to stick with dating people
that you know or who are known by somebody trustworthy who can vouch for them. Whenever
you meet a stranger, you don t really have a connection to that person very often, and
that increases the likelihood of running into a situation that you don t want. It s normally
better to stay with people that can be vouched for in some way. You want to make sure somebody
knows where you are, somebody that you trust. Give that person the information about the
person that you re meeting. Have this person call you at a pre-determined check-in time
and let your date know that this is your plan. You want to have your check-in person alert
the police if you ve been out of contact for too long, and you want to have a list of crisis
numbers prepared for yourself also. I realize that much of this probably seems scary or
overwhelming or like overkill, but that s kind of the point. You want to be as protected
and as prepared as possible so that you can avoid or avert these situations. You only
want to carry very, very, very minimal materials. You want to carry your ID, enough money for
a cab or bus ride home, your cell phone, and your safer sex kit. You might opt for a change
of clothes and some basic toiletries if you feel like you re going to stay someplace,
but in general, you don t want to carry too much. You should also NOT carry weapons unless
you re proficient in using them and you re properly registered and licensed. You need
to know the local laws in your jurisdiction or wherever you may be. Be aware of your surroundings.
Always stay sober. You want to practice common sense and in general remain assertive. Those
are invaluable tools to you in this case. *** before you go out. I realize that
probably sounds a little silly, but the reason that I suggest that is for the same reason
I would say don t go to the grocery store whenever you re hungry. Whenever you re really
***, you will be more eager to do things that under different circumstances you probably
wouldn t do, so you just want to make sure that you get off before you go out so that
your head can be in a clearer space and you can make wiser decisions. You also, if your
gut says maybe, the answer is no. You don t need a solid reason to do or not do something,
and I know that this easier said than done. If you figure out a way to do this, call me
and let me know because I could probably use the help too. It s really hard to put this
into practice, but it s important to remember that if you have any kind of reservation at
all about something, it s much better to listen to that gut instinct and to not do something
than it is to do something. You can always choose to do something later if the situation
is different, but you can t go back and undo something. So just stick to the, stick to
the, the, the, stick to the close side of things as far as choosing options that are
safer for you. You also want to be aware in general of what constitutes a good partner.
In BDSM communities in particular, there s a motto that we have, which is Safe, Sane,
and Consensual. And again, that applies to so many different situations that are not
explicitly trans-related, but in our situation, again, you can apply these in very specific
ways and they re really helpful. Just think about it, is that, somebody who is safe. That
s fairly obvious. Your partner won t be physically, sexually, emotionally, verbally, financially,
or spiritually abusive to you in any way. You won t feel unsafe or anxious, scared,
depressed, judged, indebted, ill, humiliated. You won t feel negative around this person
in any kind of way. As far as being sane, your partner, if they re respectful, will
understand that people do have boundaries and that they re entitled to privacy even
within the context of intimate relationships. They ll also understand that violence and
outrage are completely unreasonable reactions to your disclosure of your private, personal,
and often medical information. As far as consensual, your partner may or may not be comfortable
with certain things, but they ll still have an open mind and they will still remain respectful
and courteous, even if they choose not to proceed with something like sex or a dating
situation. They re not going to push your buttons, or make you try to do things you
don t want to do, or to tell you who and what you really are. And the main thing overall,
folks, is just to remember this. You are always worth more than being used and abused and
neglected and invalidated and mistreated. Nobody is ever worth you sacrificing yourself
ever. You re strong and beautiful and lovable, and you re valuable and you re worthy. Don
t *** somebody in the dark who will reject you in the light. Thanks for watching! [Content_Types].xml
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