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In order to begin, you
must be completely relaxed.
Imagine you are floating in
water.
Don't worry if you can't swim.
Relax!
You are simply floating in the
ocean.
No, there aren't any sharks.
Relax!
Just listen to the sounds and allow
your body to move accordingly.
Right.
Oh!
I thought meditation was supposed to
be relaxing. I'm exhausted!
So, this all-in-one remote is
supposed to control
everything in the flat,
but all I can get it to do is
beep. It's a load of
Since when have you been
into meditation?
Since I got this CD.
The 3 Spirit Guides?
I got it for my birthday, along with
this kimono and this card.
It's not your birthday.
I wondered why it was addressed
to a different flat.
I'm going on a quest that's gonna
sort my life out once and for all.
You're going to the Jobcentre?
No, Matthew, I'm aligning my
chakras.
Close your legs, I think one of your
chakras just popped out your kimono.
Right! I think I've worked out what
this button does. Lamp on!
'You're listening to DJ Ribby!
This is Awesome Sauce'
Urgh. DJ Ribby? My sister listens
to him. He's awful!
This tune has got a bass line
so large,
you can see the bass from
space with your face!
Elementary, my dear,
what's-on your radio?
This is!
The brand-new cut from the UK's
number one pubstep crew,
who, this week, signed
a million-pound contract.
This is Mulled Chisel with Buntage!
Pubstep? Whatever happened to real
music? The Beatles The Stones
Smash Mouth!
Did you hear that?
A million-pound contract!
Bet I could make a tune like
that. Tom, you're not a musician.
Yeah, I'm not a dancer, but I
launched that new dance craze -
the soap dispenser!
I'm not an economist,
but I introduced that new phrase -
a fat quid!
What's a fat quid?
Two quid!
And when I'm the UK's
number one music act,
I'm gonna be earning loads of
fat quids.
You see? That's catchy!
Yeah, so's *** lice!
I am a musical genius.
Ha!
And a technological genius!
What a load of
*** ***!
Good morning, good morning!
It's great to stay up late!
Good morning, good morning
to you-ah!
Ah!
I am so pissed off.
This office used to be cool.
I mean, look at these awards.
Most Amazeballs Office 2011!
Sickest Accounts Department 2009!
We've been winning awards
like these since 1988,
when we were given a prestigious
Cowabunga Commendation.
But I'm afraid we're losing our
touch.
So I have fired my "Head of Cool"
and I'm looking to appoint a
successor.
Rachel?
Ideas on how to make this
office relevant again. Go!
All we need to do is put on an
event, a happening, a party.
I don't believe it. I know.
That's just off the top of my
head. No. That.
I've only sprained my wrist.
How d'you do that?
I was playing golf. Andrew
bought me lessons, so I had to go.
Another tragic victim of the
"Golf War".
Golf?!
Who d'you think you are,
Venus Williams?
Not a golfer.
No, no, I can't have a golfer
with an arm virus organising
my relaunch party.
Oh No, no, you're going home,
Rachel.
And don't come back until
you're better
and cooler.
Matthew?
Are you cool?
No. Oh, shame.
There's a substantial bonus
attached to the position.
By which I mean, er, no-one who says
they're cool is actually cool.
So, by saying no, it's a cool way
of me saying yes.
Sounds like ***. I'm listening.
What's groovy nowadays?
Well, er, not the word
"groovy" for starters.
Sir, can I just chip in?
Chip in, ha!
I think that's how you got
in this mess in the first place!
Rachel, home!
Matthew
I always thought the way you
dressed was ironically ***!
You're my new Head of Cool.
I want a full presentation on
this party.
Well, working on presentations is a
bit last year, sir.
Yeah, don't push your luck.
Mr C, I can't believe you fired
me as your Head of Cool.
Hey-ey-ey!
Fuzzy, I told you, your style is
just it's too dated.
Dated? Whoa!
Sit on it!
Hey-ey-ey!
Oh, meditation,
what a load of cod's ***!
You don't get what you want
in life by shutting your eyes
and thinking about it.
Right, I'm here to spend the
day with you.
Bloody hell, it works!
That way, even just for the
afternoon,
I'll definitely be the coolest
person in the room.
Rachel, you can help me out
with something.
For the last time, Tom, I am not
helping you check for lumps.
No, close your eyes and tell
me which one of these songs
you think has the potential to become
a number one hit record?
This song has the potential to
become a number one hit record!
It's a bit obvious. Number two.
Ooh, baby, check for lumps!
Check for lumps! Check for lumps!
No!
Strap yourself in for number three.
I-E-I-O!
I-E-I-O!
Wow!
That wasn't me!
I-E-I-O!
I think we've found our killer
vocal.
I-E-I-O!
This must be the fantastical
world of my subconscious.
It's beyond my wildest dreams.
Greetings, traveller.
I am the first
of your three spirit guides.
A talking lizard?
You look familiar.
Obviously!
Reptile House, Whipsnade Zoo, 1995?
Forget it!
You know, when most people meditate,
they transport themselves
to a beach, or a mountain top, not
their own flat,
with a slightly larger DVD
collection.
And a smoothie maker!
Each guide will teach you one
lesson.
Mine is about achieving freedom.
Look deep into the orb of
enlightenment.
Oh, my God!
The Shawshank Redemption.
But I'm your spirit guide!
Of course, you're here to help me.
Make me a smoothie, would you?
And the great thing is,
because you're blindfolded,
you've got no idea where the
donkey's tail should be. Ha!
Matthew, are you sure
you're up to this role?
Of course, sir, I'm bad.
At school, I was in a rap
group.
All things bright and beautiful!
All creatures great and small!
All things wise and wonderful
The Lord God made them all!
Muthafuckers!
Matthew, if you want that bonus,
you'd better make this party
the coolest thing since I started
ending my text messages
"hashtag just saying".
'I'm Ribby. This is Awesome Sauce.
'Clickety the gizbo above me
nog to earhole me showload!'
I-E-I-O!
Let's have a listen.
I-E-I-O!
I-E-I-O!
Rachel, that's great!
Where d'you learn to do that?
I had a pretty crazy summer back in
Superclub in Ibiza?
Computer club in Watford.
The next step is getting this out
into the world.
The public need to hear this.
You're right.
Oi, Steve!
Listen to this!
No, Tom!
We upload it online and then send a
link to DJ Ribby.
Ah!
If he likes it
then he'll play it on his show.
Oh! We'll need a band name.
I'm way ahead of you.
I've focus-grouped this and come up
with the perfect name.
The *** Perverts!
I think it sends out the wrong
message.
Oh. I'll tell the focus group.
Oi, Steve!
She didn't go for it!
We need something that explains why
our lead singer
looks like a hairy monk.
Hairy Monk!
Yo! Ribby!
Set your lobes to implode, because
Hairy Monk are about
to chant your pants off.
Kick it!
We'll earn a million quid.
That's 500,000 fat quid!
Matthew!
Last chance. If you can't
prove to me you're up to this,
I'll give Head of Cool to Margaret in
HR.
And she's learned to speak Klingon!
How's progress?
It's well rubs.
Well rubs?
Yeah, I've had Ribby's show on
lockdown all afternoon, but
no diggity.
I ain't even got an ounce of
bounce.
I may as well just jack
this whole ting in the mipsy!
Matthew
I didn't understand a word you just
said, which can only mean one thing.
You're becoming cool by osmosis!
Cool by Osmosis is my faveballs rave
digga anthem.
Ribby's got it on rotation bare
long!
It's working!
It is! I'm cool!
Huzzah!
I mean whatevs.
So you are the man to host this
party!
We must work fast. Let'*** the
town. We both need a makeover.
These vouchers have got our
names written all over them!
Marks and Sparks, here we come!
Aw that was brilliant!
Right, you've watched The Shawshank
Redemption.
Now my lesson can begin.
You must have so many questions.
Yeah.
How did he get the poster
back on the wall?
No, focus!
I'm here to teach you
about achieving freedom.
Like in the film.
"Fear can hold you prisoner.
Hope can set you free."
Actually, that's better than what
the orb could've taught you.
I can't believe I'm saying this,
but you've passed your first
lesson.
Mamma mia!
I knew you'd be pleased. No!
We've got the DVD of Mamma Mia!
Pierce Brosnan's finest hour.
Get out!
I think he's coming out of his
trance. Quick, take the picture!
That's the band photo sorted.
Get his costume off.
But it's Brosnan singing!
Speaking of singing, while you were
meditating, Ben,
you were doing some pretty impressive
chanting.
Do you think you could give
us a repeat performance?
Was I? What did it sound like?
Something like this?
No.
Suit yourself.
I'm off to my room for a
massive ***.
Shouldn't have said that out loud.
There is no way that I'm having
him in the band.
Yeah, but when he meditates,
he sings like an angel.
But when he doesn't, he sounds like
Tarzan getting his *** torn off!
Let's not tell him.
But when he's in his trance,
he's in our band.
Oh!
Oh! Ribby's replied to our message!
Quick, turn the radio on!
'Ou're listening to Ribby.
Hey, giz-uys!'
How's about a world-global
exclusive?
This choon has been all over
the net,
but remember where you
heard it second.
I give you Hairy Monk
with Remote Control! Yeah!
I can't believe your e-mail
to Ribby worked!
All that "explode ya lobes,
you bell-end" stuff!
I didn't think anyone
actually spoke like that.
Wickedy-wow-wow!
What is this slamming choon? Turn
this *** up! It's off the hiz-ook!
OK, who are you and what have you
done with my brother?
Rachel, it's me - Matty Boom Batty!
The sickest member of the family -
and I'm not talking about my asthma!
Oo-a, oo-a!
The main question is, who is this?
Well, actually, Matthew, the really
cool thing about this is
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Don't
step to me about cool.
I eat, sleep and breathe cool.
You go get a dictionary,
look up the word "cool",
I'll call you a nerd
for having a dictionary.
I wasn't talking to you, I was
talking to my main dude Ribby!
'Hat was Remote Control by
Hairy Monk.'
Hairy Monk? That is swag!
I'm off to down their load.
It's from Ribby!
He wants us to play a gig
he's DJ-ing tomorrow at a secret
location!
Oh, to think Carabine sent me home
for not being cool enough.
I wish he could see me now!
It's Carabine!
That's always happening in this
house.
Matterhorn!
Oh, Carabina!
Let'*** the pubs and clubs
of this crazy town.
Bit of research
for tomorrow night's party.
You're hosting a party?
But that was my idea!
Yes, but all I'm "hashtag just
saying"
is that now it's being hosted by
someone who actually knows what's
what.
Oh
Did you sort those pills for
tonight?
Vitamin C.
Chewable! Aw!
Hold me close, oh, tiny dancer!
OK, merchandise check list.
Hairy Monk T-shirt.
Hairy Monk hairy mink.
Bootleg bootleg.
Rachel!
What, you're downstairs
in the cab with Ribby?
I'll be down in a fat minute.
Two minutes!
Come on! My toast!
You need to start meditating
right now.
I'm not ready yet!
First I have to imagine
I'm floating in the ocean.
Done!
Have a good trip!
I-E-I-O!
Greetings! Agh!
I am your second spirit guide.
My lesson is about taking
control of your subconscious.
Hang on, where's the massive DVD
collection?
Where's the smoothie maker?
I have hidden them so that you might
concentrate more on the lesson.
But this is my subconscious.
I can just imagine them
and they'll reappear.
See?
If I wanted to, I could do this
Why would you want to do that?
Idon't know.
It appears I've underestimated you.
You've taken control of your
subconscious.
You've completed the second
lesson.
Next, you must travel
to your third spirit guide.
He will teach you self-love.
Self-love?
I'm already pretty good at that.
You must be too, with eight
hands!
Now
before I return to the mystical
realm of the spirits
Yes?
Please take this *** off my
head.
Of course!
What's wrong with you?!
Right
if I'm going to travel
to meet my final spirit guide,
I need to focus.
I can't get distract
Oh! Titanic!
Brilliant!
I-E-I-O!
I'm doing it!
I'm travelling
to meet my third spirit guide!
Ah, I'll miss the end of Titanic!
I'll never find out what happens when
they get to America.
I can't see a thing!
Why do I have to carry all this
merch?!
Quit complaining!
I had to carry the lead singer!
I-E-I
Eugh!
Ooh, DJ Ribby has arrived,
albeit by the fire exit,
but I wanted
to keep you guys a surprise!
The party chiefs are gonna flip their
lids when they see
Hairy Monk are in the place.
Nail this and you'll have a
number one on your hands.
And the last time
I gave that bit of advice
was to a little band called Smash
Mouth, and look at them now!
Ribby, I have gotta say,
I am such a big fan.
I used to listen to you
on Radio Twin Counties
when you were doing the
breakfast show.
God, that must have been
ten years ago now.
Ten years ago?!
That can't have been me! I'm 25!
I bet this is so much cooler
than Matthew's rubbish party.
Cara-***-hound! MDMA-tthew!
Oh, I'm loving the office's new vibe!
It's unrecognisable!
And I've booked the hottest DJ
around.
You're listening to Ribby
and lookin' at him!
I'm about to drop a Ribby
exclusive.
We're webcasting live the first ever
gig from the hottest crew around.
Well, I've gotta hand it to you,
M-Bop, you've really done it.
If this crew are as
wickedy-wickedy-wac as that
delightful young man says they are,
then this office is once again
cool and you are definitely
getting that pay rise.
Get ready to slam dunk with
Hairy Monk!
Rachel?!
Oh, this is perfect!
This is a disaster!
This is the future!
We are Hairy Monk and we are
here to push your buttons!
Finally, a spirit guide who looks
like he can actually
teach me something.
Dude, you are absolutely
nailing these lessons.
Cheers, dude. The final lesson
you have to learn is
Self-love? Yes!
How did you know I was
gonna say that?
You're brilliant!
I know. You're brilliant too.
You're a great teacher.
You're a great student.
It's fun to be taught by you.
It's fun to teach you.
I love you!
And I love
spending time with you.
Well, for the sake of maintaining a
proper student-teacher relationship,
I think we'll end the lesson there.
You've achieved self-love.
You've passed.
Brilliant!
It's not that simple.
There is a final challenge.
A test to prove
that you've truly understood
everything you've learnt so
far.
Ah! A final challenge?
We are in a completely
sealed room.
No windows, no doors.
You must achieve freedom.
This might take some time, but
through controlling your
subconscious and self-love,
you can
What's that poster doing on the
wall?
Done it! Oh, yeah.
Nice work!
Do me a favour. Stick it back on the
wall when I'm done, would you?
Hell of a guy.
Ah
Well, I'm off for a massive ***!
'Massive ***! Massive ***!
Massive ***!'
What's happening?
Keep chanting!
Don't worry, Rachel. I'll cover.
Oh, baby, check for lumps! Check
for lumps! It might be mumps!
Remote control solo!
Well, that was
*** ***!
I'm sorry the party
wasn't a success, sir.
That's OK.
I think it's taught us all
a valuable lesson.
Yes. Fashions are transitory.
The best way to be cool
is just to be yourself.
What? No, no.
It's taught us that you are useless!
I should never have listened to
myself when I listened to you.
Rachel, I need you back.
Thanks, sir.
Sorry, boys, but I'm breaking
up the band.
Breaking up the band? But that'll
mean breaking up the band!
Yeah! I've only just found out
I'm in it.
Hey, do you fancy joining
The *** Perverts?
I don't know what that is.
But sign me up!
Yo! Mr C!
Ooh!
Hey, Fuzzy! Welcome back,
my reinstated Head of Cool.
Hey-ey-ey!
Smash Mouth, anyone?
I'm 48!