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Dr Joe Taravella: My name is Dr. Joe Taravella. I'm a clinical psychologist so I'm doing private
practice in New York in New Jersey. I have a specialization in marital and family work
and in my work I specialize in working with children, adults and families with a variety
of issues from learning issues to emotional issues and psychological issues. I'm also
a Dad to almost triplets and the three of them keep me very busy.
Ciaran Connolly: Wow, sounds like you are very busy is right. Thank you for taking time
out to join us today and shed some light onto bullying and give us some answers I guess
and of course review on some of these questions. Do you think that bullying is as big an issue
today as it was 10 or 20 years ago? J: Yes, I certainly do. You know, I feel like
bullying is a big problem and cyber bullying is on the rise among children, teens and young
adults and you know, bullying statistics indicate that physical assaults had been replaced with
cyber assaults which include harassing, threatening and humiliating peers online and studies indicate
that there is an increasing rate of domestic violence at home which is related to an increase
in bullying both online and at home. C: That's very interesting and you see a difference
then in how bullying is happening today? Of course we have got social media, internet,
everyone seems to have a mobile phone that connects to the internet and SMSs. So, as
you are saying, it's changing from physical to more tech savvy.
Cyber Bullying J: Yes. As you said, everybody have a mobile
phone and they are using them all day long you know. There certainly is a difference
in how bullying happens today. Historically, we saw verbal and physical forms of bullying
but now cyber bullying is on the rise so much more you know as I just said. Today everybody
has access to electronics and information is spreading much more quickly than it ever
has before; most of the cyber bullying is happening in chat rooms and in social networking
sites and a lot of children frequent these sites. So, you know, some statistics say that
about 7% of students admit to being a victim of one type of bullying or another and other
statistics say that one in four kids will be bullied sometime during their adolescence.
C: Big numbers which is a shock to people who haven't heard them before.
J: Yes, it is. Especially if you have children that are in this age bracket.
C: Yes, for sure. Concern and worry about others as well. With the current media coverage
on cyber bullying, do you think things are improving? Are people more aware of it? Is
that actually helping the cause or maybe causing more problems?
It takes a Village..... J: Well, I think it will get better and I
continue to remain hopeful that the situation with bullying and cyber bullying is improving
but you know much more needs to be done to stop the physical and emotional harm that
is done to these kids. You know, it certainly takes a village of children, parents, educators,
counsellors, law in government enforcement as well as social media companies to make
a difference here and I think if everybody can work together, we will continue to see
a decrease in bullying and cyber bullying. C: Excellent. I think you make a very valid
point that is actually everyone coming together. Often we hear, when it comes to bullying,
that it's down to the schools; it's down to them as a duty of care. It happens there but
actually community's people, social media sites that it happens on, everyone is a stakeholder
I guess of course. So, maybe they have more responsibilities than others but as a community
or a society, we all have to do our best and fix this problem which is very true. In your
practice you deal with children and you have families, have you ever came across cases
of children being bullied? J: Yes, I have. You know in my practice it's
been rare but I have seen cases where the bullying is severe. Often times the bully
is a relative or a neighbour and quiet often it has already stopped and so what I see is
the damage already done by the bullying and you know try to help the individual as much
as I can to work through this and get to a better place. You know, I also see parents
connecting more within the school system and given the recent media coverage you know with
bullying and the increase in suicide rates among children, you know which is very scary,
parents are becoming more proactive when there is an initial occurrence or problem. So, they
reach out to the schools more quickly now in an effort to protect their children before
something really catastrophic happens.
C: And you also work with families as well and you see the impact on people after the
bullying has happened. Do you see family life being impacted or what are the consequences
of someone being bullied? J: I do. You know, I still see that some parents
believe that hitting is an appropriate form of discipline you know where is in other families
yelling has become kind of like the new hitting. So, I try and explain to parents that many
of us are overwhelmed trying to keep it all together and at times we may overreact or
kind of flip out on our kids and really we just need to take some time to develop strategies
to help us not to allow this to happen. So, for example, if there are two parents in a
home, I work with them and try to let them know that if you are getting to place when
you are reaching a ten and you are going to flip out, have the other parent step in for
you to try and recognize those times when you really at your limit and kind of leave
and let the other parent take over so you have a cooling down period and when you come
back, just try and use your words with your kids.
Tell them that "I'm angry because of this and that", you know. Let them know that "I
could be angry but I always love you and there is a difference between that". With my children,
since the time they were infants, I continue to reinforce the phrase that "Hands are for
hugging and words are for loving" and reinforcing that over and over again to instil in them
what kind of words we need to use and how we should use our hands.
C:Very good advice and I think I was on your website recently and I might have seen 'Hugs
of Three', is that correct? J: Yes, Hugs of Three. These are children's
books that my best friend and I from graduate school wrote. Hugs of Three series, it deals
with all kinds of families and we wanted to target that from the infancy stage and so
we created board books to do that, you know, to have families have special time together
and for letting everyone know regardless of your family makeup, structure and composition,
family is a family and whatever they makeup maybe, it's your own special family.
The Secret Box C: Very good and on your website you have
a page (Children in Crises) which when you read it, it brings the reader onto (The Secret
Box) . Would you mind explaining that page and The Secret Box to us as well?
J: Yes, sure. You know, I came up with the idea of 'The Secret Box' working on a prospective
TV show and I have all the patients that I have worked with. You know, secrets have existed
since the beginning of time from governmental spies to anybody within a family structure
and people hold on to secrets because they are afraid of the disapproval that they may
receive from others and we know that secrets aren't healthy; they divide family members,
they prevent us to fully grow and can lead to painful mis-communications. So, 'The Secret
Box' helps individuals reveal their secrets safely and effectively in an effort to sustain
healthy interpersonal relationships and family relationships. So, in my practice I use 'The
Secret Box'. I have one in my office and patients can write down their secret and put it into
the box and even allowing that process to unfold helps release them of the toxic and
negative energy that they are holding on from these secrets and I always allow them to feel
like they are in control of this process and when we are going to read that secret or how
we are going to read that secret is entirely up to them and so they feel a sense of safety
and that they are in control of this as well. Communication
Very good. So communication is the key to strong family units and that's something that
you try and enforce with all your patients through the secret box?
J: Yes, I do. I really try and facilitate an open level of communication and that individuals
feel that they are part of a team within their family and a child needs to feel safe in their
home and supported by their family. So, you know, communication is one of the keys to
that. Also love; I think that's number one. Love certainly makes up a family and providing
a home environment where the emotional temperature is warm and inviting so the children feel
comfortable to speak to their parents. C: Very good and you suggest that 'The Secret
Box' could be used in schools? How would children use it as well?
J: Yes. So, you know, I believe that 'The Secret Box' will be very valuable in schools
because often times children are afraid to come forward with information at a fear that
they will be retaliated against or outed by speaking to someone about any kind of bullying
or abuse that's going on whether it's inside the school or out of the school and so, 'The
Secret Box' allows children to safely and anonymously reveal secrets of who is being
bullied and someone in the school administration would be responsible for looking at the box
each day and investigating what's happening and taking the necessary actions to put a
stop to this and as we talked about it before it really takes a whole team of people. So,
you know, the administration can talk to parents and other teachers and staff to really put
a team together to try and stop the abuse and bullying that's going on.
Adult Bullying C: Very good and I can see how that will work
because I guess bystanders will see things happening but often that information doesn't
make it to the person that can actually help the target. So, actually having a secret box
would definitely help solve our problem. Have you come across adults who have been bullied
in your practice as well? J: I have. You know, what I see with many
cases of domestic abuse in the home and I think that's where the bullying really starts.
Often times, the abuse stopped but people certainly need a safe place to discuss what
happened to them in an effort to move forward from the abuse sort of bullying. It can be
a very difficult and painful process to speak about this whether it's currently happening
or happened in the past and a lot of people try and forget about it but we really need
to talk about it and learn how to cope with it in order to move forward in a more healthy
manner. Things definitely can get better. C: And again we brushed on that earlier. You
do believe that there is long term damage to people who have been bullied and from what
you are saying it sounds like it can be a cycle where parents are having problems at
homes and maybe the children are seeing that and taking it to school and into their own
life, is that something that could happen? The Long Term Effects
J: Yes, it definitely can and there has been research done about this as well. There is
actually long term damage for both the victim and for the bully and you know some of the
long term damage for victims are they can become chronically depressed with suicidal
tendencies, they engage in self destructive behaviours like drinking alcohol and consuming
drugs. Some of the long term effects for the bullies are they have a higher chance of getting
convicted of a crime, going to jail, they become dependent on drugs and alcohol, they
have difficulties maintaining long term relationships and have higher chances of abusing family
members ironically. So, you know I was looking at some of the researches on this. There is
a new study that came out that found victims of bullying in childhood were four times more
likely to have an anxiety disorder as an adult and bullies were four times more likely to
have an anti-social personality disorder as adults. Bullies, who were also victims, were
over fourteen times more likely to develop panic disorder as adults and almost five times
more likely to experience depression and research also shows that men who were both bullies
and victims were over eighteen times more likely to have suicidal thoughts in adulthood
and their female counterparts were over twenty six times more likely to develop agoraphobia.
So, we see that they are many long term effects for both the victim and the bully which is
quiet sad. Society's Role
C: And I have to say then the tag of your page and your website, 'Children in Crisis',
are definitely out for that. As a society, how do we break the cycle? What do you think
we really need to do to try and move away from bullying or to move away from this problem?
J: You know there's a lot of things that already being done and so many more that can be done:
You know first parents need to educate themselves in bullying and cyber bullying.
They need to be proactive but not to overreact with their children.
Also to be aware of the signs in their child whether they start seeing signs of sadness
or depression or anxiety, trouble sleeping even bed wetting, you know withdrawing from
friends and family, not wanting to go to school, not even wanting to go on the computer anymore
or fail in grades. Teach child to try and ignore things.
Save something that if it's on the computer that they can use for purposes later and also
report things and to use their privacy settings on your computer, flag and report inappropriate
posts. Have their kids take a break from the
whole cyber world and try and enjoy their friends in person and setting a play dates
and things like that. Also getting involved with school's issues,
being part of that team and learning about the school's policy on bullying and just really
educating themselves. Continue to work on some of the positive
things like your child's life skills by promoting self-esteem and encouraging activities and
skills that they enjoy. Teaching them to restrain themselves,
you know to think before they act. To foster good social skills.
To teach good hygiene. Had a cope with rejection and disappointment.
To have respect for others and themselves as well as empathy towards others.
And I can go on and on, you know teaching assertiveness, not aggressiveness, stay involved
in school sports or any kind of activities that make them feel good and so they feel
that they are also part of a team. As for online stuff, you know, also to
talk to them about what not to do. Don't impersonate others online, don't change someone else's
profile, stay away from gossip and to not be a bystander; they can report bullying to
school administrators, they can offer support to the victim and they can also feel proud
that they are doing things liked by others. Kids can also start an anti bullying program
at their school or be part of one. You know there is a great quote that I often
think of and give to families and children as well, you know, it comes from Sigmund Freud,
one of the most famous psychiatrists out there. "Words have a magical power. They can bring
either the greatest happiness or deepest despair" and so we need to be cognizant of the words
we use on our children. Also, model being impeccable on our word and using good words
and kindness and love. C: Very good. Some brilliant advice there
so thank you very much for that and if anyone wanted to find out more about 'The Secret
Box' or even reach out to you and try connect with you and seek some help, where can they
find you? J: Yes I have a website online that is drjoetaravella.com
and there is lots of information on there about kids and families and crisis and how
to get to a better place in life because it is certainly doable for everyone and even
though we may feel we are in a place of despair and desperation, things can not only get better
but they certainly get great and I want people to hold on to that message.