Tip:
Highlight text to annotate it
X
>> Announcer: UP NOW ON "THE
SOUP," WE TRY TO FIGURE OUT WHAT
THE BACHELOR'S SAYING.
>> AW.
>> Announcer: SLIP INTO
SOMETHING MORE COMFORTABLE FOR
"GIGOLOS."
>> HE HAS IT.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU CALL "IT,"
BUT HE HAS IT.
>> Announcer: AND FIND OUT WHO
CLAIMED THE $10 MILLION
BIGFOOT BOUNTY.
>> CAN SOMEONE TAKE OUR PHOTO?
>> Announcer: PLUS NEW YORK
HOUSEWIVES RETURN, "BLOOD,
SWEAT AND HEELS," AND
THE CLIP OF THE WEEK.
>> GREAT, THANK YOU FOR THAT
POINT OF CLARIFICATION.
>> Announcer: NOW, HERE'S THE
HOST WHO'S WATCHING IT ALL FOR
YOU, JOEL McHALE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> WELCOME TO "THE SOUP."
TONIGHT WE'LL BE LOSING IN
THE RATINGS TO A FIGURE SKATING
CONTEST THAT ENDED 13 HOURS AGO.
BY THE WAY, IF YOU NOTICE ANY
LIGHTING ANOMALIES DURING THE
SHOW, SAY, ALL OUR LIGHTS GO OUT
OR DIM, IT'S NOT YOU.
IT'S E!
SOMEONE KEEPS PLUGGING IN THE
MICROWAVE AT THE SAME TIME WE'RE
DOING THE SHOW.
IT'S JUST, YOU KNOW, DON'T WORRY
ABOUT IT.
BUT IF THE LIGHTS DIM AND YOU
SMELL ALMONDS, YOU MIGHT BE
HAVING A STROKE OR YOU'RE AT AN
ALMOND STORE.
THE NEW SEASON OF "THE REAL
HOUSEWIVES OF NEW YORK" GAVE US
A SNEAK PEEK AT THEIR UPCOMING
SEASON.
BUT I COULDN'T GET PAST THEIR
OPENING CREDITS.
>> WHEN PEOPLE TELL ME I'M FAKE,
I KNOW THEY'RE JUST PULLING MY
LEG.
>> A TRUE NEW YORKER NEVER BACKS
DOWN.
AND I'M NO EXCEPTION.
HOLLA!
>> I MAY NOT BE THE SHARPEST
TOOL IN THE SHED, BUT I'M
PRETTY.
>> GET THE PINOT READY BECAUSE
IT'S TURTLE TIME.
>> SOMETIMES SONJA HAS TO GO
COMMANDO.
WHAT CAN I SAY?
>> SOMETIMES I DRINK WINE AND
CRAP MYSELF WHEN I'M NOT WEARING
UNDERWEAR.
BUT AT LEAST I'M PRETTY.
HOLLA.
IT'S TURTLE TIME.
THAT MEANS I'M SHOWING BACK
HERE.
THESE PEOPLE ACTUALLY FOUND MEN
TO MARRY THEM.
IF YOU WANT TO FIND OUT IF
SOMEONE IS WRONGFULLY COLLECTING
A DISABILITY PENSION, YOU CALL
UPON "INSIDE EDITION'S" LISA
GUERRERO TO TRACK THEM DOWN AND
THEN CREEPILY STAND OUTSIDE
THEIR HOUSE.
>> BUT LOOK AT THIS.
SURE DOESN'T LOOK LIKE HE HAS
ANY PROBLEM FIRING A WEAPON.
I'M LISA GUERRERO WITH
"INSIDE EDITION."
AREN'T THESE DISABILITY PENSIONS
FOR OFFICERS THAT HAVE BEEN
INJURED IN THE LINE OF DUTY, NOT
FOR SOMEBODY WHO ACCIDENTALLY
STAPLED THEIR FINGER?
>> MM-HMM.
I'M FOLLOWING THE LAW.
I DIDN'T MAKE THE LAW.
JUST LIKE YOU FOLLOW YOUR BOSS'S
RULES, WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT ME
TO DO?
>> CAN I SEE YOUR FINGER?
>> NO, I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT.
>> CAN I SMELL YOUR FINGER?
CAN I PULL YOUR FINGER?
COME ON.
AT LEAST POINT AT ME.
IN CELEBRITY RELATIONSHIP NEWS,
SIMON COWELL AND HIS GIRLFRIEND
GAVE BIRTH TO A BABY BOY OVER
THE WEEKEND.
IT'S THE FIRST CHILD FOR SIMON.
ACTUALLY, IT'S THE SECOND.
THERE WAS ONE BEFORE.
BUT SIMON SAID IT WAS DREADFUL
CRAP AND SENT IT AWAY.
"YOU SOUND LIKE A CRYING BABY."
TMZ REPORTS MICHAEL LOHAN WENT
BALLISTIC AND ALLEGEDLY
BRANDISHED A KNIFE DURING A
FIGHT WITH HIS BABY MAMA KATE
MAJOR AND REPORTEDLY SAID, AND I
QUOTE...
OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
FRIDAY WAS VALENTINE'S DAY.
YEAH.
WE FIND JOY IN OTHER PEOPLE'S
TRAGEDIES.
MICHAEL CLAIMS THAT KATE WAS
ACTING DRUNK AND IRRESPONSIBLY
AROUND THEIR 1-YEAR-OLD SON.
YOU KNOW WHAT MIGHT SAVE THE
RELATIONSHIP?
ANOTHER BABY.
IN KANYE'S NEW REMIX OF THE
SONG "DRUNKEN LOVE," KANYE RAPS
ABOUT THE TIME HE REALIZED KIM
KARDASHIAN COULD BE HIS WIFE.
HE SINGS THE ROMANTIC LINE...
WHAT?
KIM HAD A MOUTH BABY?
IS THERE ANYTHING SHE CAN'T DO?
>> WHAT?
>> HEY, HEY.
>> KANYE WEST, KANYE WEST RIPPED
ME OFF.
>> HEY, MUSICAL ICON RICHARD
MARX.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
>> I THOUGHT YOU WERE A FAN OF
MINE.
DON'T YOU KNOW MY BIG HIT SONG
"RIGHT HERE WAITING"?
>> YES, OF COURSE, BUT--
>> WELL THEN YOU KNOW THE
CHORUS.
"WHEREVER YOU GO, WHATEVER YOU
DO, I'LL BE RIGHT HERE
IMPREGNATING YOUR MOUTH, GIRL,
OOH."
>> I'M PRETTY SURE IT'S "RIGHT
HERE WAITING FOR YOU."
>> COME ON, MAN.
"WAITING FOR YOU" IS JUST A
METAPHOR.
>> FOR IMPREGNATING A GIRL'S
MOUTH?
>> OBVIOUSLY.
>> OKAY, LOOK.
I'M NOT SURE.
BUT WE CAN DISCUSS THIS LATER.
>> ALL RIGHT.
I'LL BE, UH, OVER TO THE SIDE,
"WAITING FOR YOU."
>> OKAY.
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> WAIT, WHAT?
NO ENTERTAINMENT NEWS SHOW CAN
FILL AN HOUR LIKE E! NEWS CAN.
IN WHAT WOULD HAVE BEEN AN
OFF-HAND JOKE AT A PRODUCTION
MEETING FOR ANY OTHER NEWS SHOW,
E! NEWS ACTUALLY HAD TWO WOMEN
ASK FORMER *** BACHELOR SEAN
LOWE TO DESCRIBE HIS WEDDING
NIGHT WITH THE USE OF VISUAL
AIDS.
PREPARE TO GET VISUAL AIDS.
WARNING, IT'S LONG AND BORING.
>> IF WE SHOWED YOU SOME
PICTURES, MAYBE YOU CAN-- IT
WILL SUM UP YOUR EXPERIENCE.
>> OKAY.
>> WITHOUT HAVING TO GET, YOU
KNOW, TOO CRAZY.
>> YOUR WEDDING NIGHT.
>> MAYBE THE FIRST ONE, WAS IT
EXPLOSIVE LIKE FIREWORKS
EXPLOSIVE, CRAZY?
>> ABSOLUTELY.
4TH OF JULY FIREWORKS.
>> CUDDLY AND MAYBE CUTE AND
FURRY LIKE THOSE DOGS?
DOGGIE STYLE IS AMAZING.
>> DOGGIE STYLE.
>> WHAT IS THE WATER, IS THAT
A LIMP HOSE?
WHAT IS THAT?
>> YOUR WORDS, A LIMP HOSE.
IT WASN'T LIKE THAT.
>> IT WAS NOT, I PROMISE YOU.
I'M A HEALTHY MALE.
>> OH, MAN.
>> OR MAYBE WAS IT CRAZY LIKE A
MAN WITH A JACKHAMMER?
>> UH, I DON'T WANT TO SAY
JACKHAMMER, NO.
I WAS A LITTLE BIT MORE GENTLE
THAN THAT.
>> AW.
>> LOVE IT.
>> WE'LL END ON THAT, LOVELY.
CONGRATULATIONS.
>> THANK YOU.
>> I GIVE YOU CREDIT FOR
GRITTING YOUR TEETH AND GETTING
THROUGH THAT SEGMENT, KRISTINA
AND CATT.
TELL ME, WAS IT LIKE SWALLOWING
A PILE OF BROKEN GLASS?
OR MORE LIKE BEING TOUCHED BY
A GROUP OF PERVERTED CLOWNS?
OR WAS IT A PILE DRIVER TO YOUR
SELF-ESTEEM?
OR WAS IT JUST ANOTHER FECES
SANDWICH THAT YOU HAD TO EAT TO
GET YOUR CHECK FOR THE WEEK?
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> IT WAS THAT.
HMM.
IN DEAD SNAKE HANDLER NEWS,
"SNAKE SALVATION" STAR PASTOR
JAMIE COOTS WAS KILLED WHEN A
DEADLY RATTLE SNAKE BIT HIM
WHILE HE WAS PREACHING TO HIS
CONGREGATION IN KENTUCKY WHERE
SNAKE HANDLING DURING RELIGIOUS
SERVICES IS ILLEGAL.
COOTS REFUSED MEDICAL ATTENTION
BECAUSE HE BELIEVED HE WAS
PROTECTED FROM THE VENOM BY
GOD'S POWER.
OOH, SORRY, JAMIE.
GOD WAS BUSY CHILD PROOFING
THE LIGHT SOCKETS IN HEAVEN
BECAUSE HE KNEW YOU WERE ON THE
WAY, SO.
IN TV NEWS, THE CAST OF "PARTY
DOWN SOUTH" IS REPORTEDLY
REFUSING TO SHOOT ANOTHER
EPISODE UNTIL THEY RECEIVE A
RAISE FROM THEIR CURRENT RATE OF
$500 PER EPISODE.
PRODUCERS ARE TRYING TO DECIDE
IF THEY SHOULD GIVE IN TO THE
CAST'S DEMANDS OR REPLACE THEM
WITH THREE ORANGUTANS,
A MANNEQUIN FROM MARSHALL'S,
A BARREL OF GRAPE JELLY, AND A
BROOM HANDLE.
ALTHOUGH THEY DON'T WANT TO RISK
THE SHOW GETTING TOO HIGH BROW.
IMAGINE THE SUMMIT MEETING THOSE
KIDS HAVE.
ON "RICH KIDS OF BEVERLY HILLS,"
ONE OF THE LEAD GIRLS, OH, LET'S
JUST CALL HER HAKEEM OLAJUWON,
IS HANGING OUT WITH HER FRIEND,
UH, FRIENDS--
LET'S CALL THEM FURTHER EVIDENCE
WHY WE NEED A PRO-CHOICE
SOCIETY.
ANYWAY, THIS IS TV.
>> BRENDAN HAD SALMONELLA
POISONING THIS PAST WEEK.
>> BATHROOM, IS IT LIKE
DIARRHEA OR WAS IT--
>> EW, JOHNNY.
>> EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA FOR A
WEEK.
NO, HE WAS SO SICK.
>> HAVE YOU HEARD THE TERM SHAKE
IT LIKE DIARRHEA WHERE YOU START
TO RUN TO THE TOILET, AND YOU'RE
LIKE SHAKING.
>> I DID.
I DID.
>> IT'S LIKE AN EXORCISM.
>> I LOVE HAVING DIARRHEA.
>> EW.
>> APPARENTLY SO DOES E!
THE ONLY DIFFERENCE IS E!
HAS THE GUTS TO SHOW THEIRS ON
TV.
SO TUNE IN NEXT WEEK WHEN THE
ONE I CALL HAKEEM OLAJUWON
DIARRHEAS ONTO A HOMELESS KID.
LATER THE GANG GOES ICE SKATING.
AND THEY BRING THE OTHER GIRL,
OH, LET'S CALL HER, UH, ROMMEL
THE DESERT FOX.
ANYWAY, ROMMEL DOESN'T KNOW WHAT
THE [BLEEP] SHE'S TALKING ABOUT.
>> WE'RE ICE SKATING.
>> ARE YOU KIDDING?
>> I WANNA [BLEEP] KILL MYSELF.
>> IT'S GOING TO BE NANCY
KERRIGAN UP IN HERE.
>> YOU'RE NOT EXCITED FOR THE
ICE SKATING?
>> I'M NOT ANTON OKOYONO,
WHATEVER HIS NAME IS.
>> YEAH, I'M NOT ANTON OKOYONO,
THAT SPEED SKATER WHO BROKE UP
THE BEATLES BUT WAS DYSLEXIC AND
ALSO HAD AN AFRICAN-AMERICAN
FIRST NAME AND AN ASIAN LAST
NAME.
MY BRAIN IS A POTATO.
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> UGH.
IN MUSIC NEWS, WHILE SHOOTING
HER LATEST MUSIC VIDEO, LADY
GAGA WAS REPORTEDLY BIT BY A
SLOW LORIS.
YEAH, SOMETIMES THEY BITE.
YOU'VE GOT TO PUT A MUZZLE ON
THEM.
I HAVE A SLOW ERICA.
AND I LURED HER OFF A BUS.
I ALWAYS MUZZLE HER IN PUBLIC.
WHAT?
WHAT'S THAT?
OH, IT'S AN ANIMAL.
OH.
YES, I, TOO WAS DESCRIBING
AN ANIMAL.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> LET'S TALK ABOUT CHICKS, MAN.
>> CHICKS, MAN.
>> ELLEN PAGE HAS COME OUT AS
GAY.
WHILE MOST PEOPLE ARE
SUPPORTIVE, NFL ANALYSTS SAY
THIS WILL HURT HER DRAFT
POSITION.
LET'S HAVE SOME CHAT STEW, SHALL
WE?
>> ♪ ♪
>> SO MEATY.
>> THE AUDIENCE IS STILL
CONFUSED.
WHAT IS THE NFL?
"WATCH WHAT HAPPENS LIVE"
WELCOMED SOME LADIES FROM
"BLOOD, SWEAT AND HEELS"--
OH, YEAH.
YOU BET THAT'S A TV SHOW.
AND IF THERE'S ONE THING ANDY
COHEN LOVES MORE THAN DISHING
WITH SASSY LADIES, IT'S HIS OWN
JOKES.
>> JULIE C SAID, "I LOVE
DEMETRIA'S HAIR.
BE HONEST, IS IT ALL REAL?"
>> SOMETIMES IT IS, SOMETIMES IT
ISN'T.
>> WHAT AM I LOOKING AT TODAY?
>> WELL, YOU HAVE SOME PIECES IN
TONIGHT TO FLUFF IT UP FOR
TELEVISION.
>> OKAY, THANK YOU.
DID YOU FLUFF THAT UP FOR ME?
>> I DID, ANDY.
I WANTED TO MAKE A GOOD
IMPRESSION FOR YOU.
>> VERY GOOD.
THOUGH I DON'T TYPICALLY NEED
A FLUFFER, I APPRECIATE IT.
YES, I DID.
OH, HEY.
HA, HA, HA!
THAT IS HILARIOUS.
>> OKAY, UH, NOW ONE OF YOU SAY
SOMETHING WITH THE WORDS
"LANDING STRIP" IN IT.
HA, HA.
I HAVE A ZINGER LOCKED AND
LOADED.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
>> Announcer: STAY TUNED FOR
REALITY SHOW CLIP TIME WITH
"THE BACHELOR," "GIGOLOS," AND
THE CLIP OF THE WEEK.
>> I SAID FARM, FARM.
FARM.
>> WELCOME BACK.
DO YOU HATE IT WHEN YOU ***
AND BURY SOMEONE ONLY TO
RETURN TO THEIR GRAVE AND FIND
THEY'VE DISAPPEARED?
SEE?
YEAH, RIGHT.
WELL, THIS GUY ON "GENERAL
HOSPITAL" ISN'T PLEASED.
>> [ MUTTERING ]
GOD!
YOU SURVIVED?
HOW?
I KILLED YOU.
I--
HEATHER!
AAH!
WHERE ARE YOU?
AAH!
>> AAH, WHERE ARE YOU!
>> UH, RICHARD, UH, WHAT'S THE
MATTER?
>> I CAN'T FIND MY CAR KEYS.
I JUST WANTED TO LEAVE.
AND TRYING TO GET OUT OF THIS E!
BUILDING IS WORSE THAN GETTING
OUT OF GUANTANAMO BAY.
>> OKAY.
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> GOOD LUCK.
LATER ON "GEN HOSP," A COUPLE
SHARES A SWEET MOMENT.
>> WHAT?
>> I JUST-- I KNOW THAT
ELISABETH IS NOT YOUR FAVORITE
PERSON.
BUT SHE IS MY FRIEND.
BESIDES, I TOLD HER HOW
IMPORTANT YOU ARE TO ME.
>> WELL, YOU'RE IMPORTANT TO ME,
TOO.
I HOPE YOU KNOW THAT.
>> SEE, I DON'T KNOW.
YOU'RE DIFFICULT TO READ
SOMETIMES.
I JUST-- I'M NOT SURE.
>> WELL, LET ME MAKE MYSELF
PERFECTLY CLEAR.
>> HOPE I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE
INTO POOP STUFF.
IT'S REALITY SHOW CLIP TIME.
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> ON "BLOOD, SWEAT AND HEELS,"
MICA IS A CRAZY PERSON.
>> LET MICA SIT BEHIND ME.
>> I'M HERE.
YOU DON'T NEED TO TALK ABOUT ME
WHEN I'M RIGHT OVER HERE.
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
LET'S, LET'S HORSE IT OUT.
[ NEIGHS ]
SHH, BE QUIET.
>> PERSONALLY I LIKE TO RICHARD
MARX IT OUT.
>> [ NEIGHS ]
>> SHH.
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> AMERICA'S FIRST PAST TIME
WILL ALWAYS BE BASEBALL.
BUT IF THERE'S A CLOSE SECOND,
IT'S TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT
THE HELL JUAN PABLO IS SAYING ON
"THE BACHELOR."
THIS WEEK, I UNDERSTOOD HIM
CLEAR AS DAY.
HE WAS TALKING ABOUT NIKKI'S
STINKY HIDEAWAY.
>> THIS IS HOW IT IS.
>> RIGHT.
>> YOU KNOW?
SO I'M GLAD YOU FEEL
COMFORTABLE.
>> I DO.
>> "NIKKI'S STINKY HIDEAWAY"
FIT IN HERE.
AND IT'S GREAT THERE'S A
THOUGHTFUL-- SHE'S THINKING.
AND I LIKE THAT.
>> I LIKE THAT.
I AM TALKING SPECIFICALLY ABOUT
HER BUTT HOLE.
HA, HA, HA, HA.
ON THE TWO-HOUR FINALE OF
"FINDING BIGFOOT" BOBO AND CLIFF
DISCUSSED THE UPS AND DOWNS OF
MODERN BIGFOOT NOT FINDING.
>> THERE ARE A LOT OF BIGFOOTS
AROUND PORTLAND, OREGON.
AND PART OF IT IS JUST FRANKLY
THE CLIMATE.
BIGFOOTS, THEY'RE KIND OF
OPPOSITE OF US.
HUMAN BEINGS LIKE IT WARM, DRY,
AND LIGHT.
BIGFOOTS LIKE THE EXACT
OPPOSITE.
THEY LIKE IT COLD, DARK, AND
WET.
AND FOR A LOT OF THE YEAR,
THAT'S WHAT YOU GET UP HERE IN
THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST.
>> THE ONLY PROBLEM IS, WE'RE
DEALING WITH A NEEDLE IN A
HAYSTACK UP HERE.
>> YEAH, BUT THE COUNTER BALANCE
OF THAT IS THERE'S A LOT OF
NEEDLES.
>> RIGHT.
>> RIGHT, LOTS OF NEEDLES.
BIGFOOTS LOVE NEEDLES.
SHOW A BIG FOOT A NEEDLE, HE'LL
KNIT YOU A SWEATER RIGHT ON THE
SPOT.
AND AS A COUNTER BALANCE TO
THAT, I LIKE STEAK-UMMS.
*** NICK HAWK IS MUCH MORE
THAN A RENTAL ***.
HE'S A RAPPER, AND A DAMN GOOD
ONE.
REMEMBER "TIPPIN AND SIPPIN"?
CLASSIC.
SO THIS WEEK HE CHALLENGES
FELLOW LONELY LADY PLEASER
VIN ARMANI TO A RAP BATTLE.
HERE'S NICK PUTTING THAT MAN
*** IN HIS PLACE.
>> YO.
YO.
I CALLED YOU OUT HERE FOR A
REASON, TO SHOW ALL THESE PEOPLE
YOU'RE STUPIDER THAN HOW STUPID
YOU THINK RELIGION IS,
ACTING LIKE A DESPERATE
POLITICIAN PRACTICING BAD
POLITICS, YOU SHOULD BE VOTING
FOR ME INSTEAD I'LL STAY IN
THERE LIKE YOU HAVE ANY BUSINESS
I MADE YOU, I MADE YOU RICH AND
YES, YOU ONLY MADE THIS GROUP
BECAUSE YOU'RE BLACK-ISH.
>> OH, NO.
>> YOU SHOULD GET THOSE TEETH
FIXED AND SOME OF THOSE MOLES
CHECKED.
I'M SORRY YOU CALLED ME ON YOUR
CUFF BUT YOU PICKED WRONG MOTHER
[BLEEP] PERSON TO *** OFF YOU.
DON'T KNOW TIMING, RAP, YOU'RE
NOT A RAPPER YOU'RE TOO SOFT AND
AFTER YOU LOSE THIS, I THINK WE
SHOULD FIGHT NEXT.
I'M GONNA DROP THIS MIC OFF.
>> OKAY, NOW THAT YOU AIRED YOUR
GRIEVANCES IN THE WHINIEST WAY
POSSIBLE, LET'S GET TO THE
RAPPING.
HE JUST-- DID HE REALLY RAP
THE LINE, "YOU SHOULD GET THOSE
MOLES CHECKED?"
SURPRISINGLY, NICK LOST THE RAP
BATTLE.
LET'S SEE IF THIS HAPPY FINISHER
HAS ANY PARTING WORDS.
>> THE RAP BATTLE WASN'T
FLATTERING, BUT IT'S NOT EVEN
MATTERING.
I DID IT TO STOP THE CHATTERING.
THERE'S LOT MORE I COULD BRICK
AND THAT'S ALL THAT DOES
MATTER, REMEMBER NICK HAWK DOES
NOT SUCK AT BEING A RAPPER.
>> OH, NO.
YOU JUST SUCK AT BEING A PERSON.
AND A RAPPER.
ON "MOM'S GOT GAME," PAM'S NOT--
SHE NOT ONLY HAS GAME,
SHE ALSO HAS ENORMOUS DOGS.
HER MANNY JAY HAS SOME THOUGHTS
ON THE MANNER.
>> I LOVE DOGS.
DON'T GET ME WRONG, PAM.
BUT THIS IS TOO MUCH.
>> OH, NO.
STOP.
STOP.
OKAY, CHARLIE.
YOU SEE HE'S JUST LIKE A MONKEY.
GIVE ME A KISS.
GIVEN ME A KISS.
YES, YOU DO.
GIVE ME A KISS.
>> IT'S A DOG.
DOGS LICK EACH OTHER'S BUTTS.
>> WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
LAYMAN'S TERMS, BUDDY.
NOT ALL OF US SPENT FIVE YEARS
IN VETERINARIAN SCHOOL, ALL
RIGHT?
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
>> Announcer: SEEN SOMETHING ON
YOUR LOCAL NEWS THAT SHOULD BE
ON "THE SOUP"?
>> THE SUSPECT WAS KILLED AT A
STRIPMALL NEAR VENICE BOULEVARD.
A WOMAN DRIVING THE CAR WAS
ARRESTED FOR ***.
AND DODGE BALL IS MAKING A COME
BACK FOR ADULTS.
>> Announcer: AWKWARD.
SEND YOUR TIP TO
JUSTTHETIPS@THESOUPTV.COM.
ALL TIPS WILL BE VETTED BY THIS
GOAT.
AWKWARD.
HOLD ON FOR THE SHOCKING WINNER
THE "$10 MILLION BIGFOOT BOUNTY"
AND THE CLIP OF THE WEEK.
>> SHUT THE [BLEEP] UP.
>> WELCOME BACK.
"THE CAPONES" FOLLOWS THE
INDIRECT DESCENDANTS OF AL
CAPONE AS THEY RUN A RESTAURANT
AND INSULT ITALIAN AMERICANS IN
WAYS NEVER IMAGINED BEFORE.
LET'S MEET UNCLE LOU WHO LOOKS
LIKE THE ALIEN ROGER FROM
"AMERICAN DAD" WEARING A
DISGUISE-- THAT'S AN INSULT TO
ROGER FROM THE WIG TO THE FAKE
MUSTACHE TO THE UPSIDE DOWN
SUNGLASSES, THIS IS EITHER THE
WORST THING REALITY PRODUCERS
HAVE EVER DONE OR PAUL LYNDE'S
BEST WORK.
LOOK IT UP, FOLKS.
ANYWAY, HERE'S UNCLE LOU
FIELDING AN OFFER TO TURN AN
*** NOVEL INTO A BOOK ON
TAPE.
>> I WANNA BE UPFRONT WITH YOU.
AND I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND THIS.
BUT THERE IS QUITE A BIT OF
EROTICA IN THE BOOKS THAT I
WRITE.
IT'S WHAT SELLS NOW, YOU KNOW.
EVERY BOOK HAS A LITTLE BIT OF
IT.
>> IT'S OKAY.
I LIKE THE IDEA OF LADIES
LISTENING TO MY VOICE AND
GETTING ALL HOT DOWNSTAIRS.
>> MY DOWNSTAIRS ALSO HAS A FAKE
MUSTACHE.
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> WHICH BRINGS US TO OUR CLIP
OF THE WEEK.
>> ♪ ♪
>> [ LOU HOWLING ]
>> DID THAT MAKE ANY SENSE TO
ANYBODY?
WE HAVE FINALLY COME TO THE
CONCLUSION OF "$10 MILLION
BIGFOOT BOUNTY" WHICH COULD HAVE
JUST AS EASILY BEEN CALLED
"THE 100 TRILLION DOLLAR
AND THE ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT BABIES
FOR LIFE BIGFOOT BOUNTY."
HERE TWO GUYS WERE PASSING
THE TIME, NOT FINDING BIGFOOT IN
A BOAT.
>> I'VE GOT A QUESTION FOR YOU,
MAN.
>> WHAT'S UP?
>> LET'S SAY WE'RE OUT
SQUATCHING, RIGHT?
AND, UH, LO AND BEHOLD, 30 FEET
IN FRONT OF YOU IS A FEMALE
SASQUATCH.
>> ALL RIGHT, OKAY.
>> IT LAYS DOWN ON THE GROUND,
SPREADS HER LEGS WIDE OPEN.
SHE MOTIONS YOU TO COME OVER.
WHAT DO YOU DO?
>> I BELIEVE I'D TEAR IT DOWN
FOR THE SAKE OF MANKIND.
TRYING TO BRING OUR
SPECIES CLOSER TOGETHER.
WHAT DO YOU THINK I'D DO?
>> SO I GUESS THEY'VE MOVED ON
FROM BIGFOOT TO AN EVEN MORE
MYTHICAL CREATURE, SOMETHING
THAT WOULD HAVE SEX WITH A GUY
WHO BELIEVES IN BIGFOOT.
BUT THAT WAS JUST THE TIME THEY
KILLED BETWEEN COMING UP WITH
A COMPLETELY IMPLAUSIBLE PREMISE
FOR A SHOW AND WRAPPING UP THE
FIRST SEASON.
HERE NOW IS THE CONCLUSION.
AND I FOR ONE AM EXCITED TO FIND
OUT IF WE FINALLY HAVE
DEFINITIVE PROOF OF THE
EXISTENCE OF BIGFOOT.
LET'S CHECK OUT THE BIG MOMENT.
>> STACY AND DAVE, THE HAIR YOU
SUBMITTED HAD PRIMATE SEQUENCE.
MICHAEL AND KAT, THE MOSQUITO
YOU SUBMITTED HAD PRIMATE DNA.
>> ♪ ♪
>> UNFORTUNATELY, THEY WERE BOTH
HUMAN.
>> SO THE $10 MILLION BOUNTY IS
GOING TO REMAIN UNCLAIMED.
>> NOBODY WINS THE $10 MILLION?
OH, MAN.
WELL, BETTER PUT THE TOTALLY
REAL $10 MILLION BIGFOOT BOUNTY
BACK INTO THE FIRST ELVISH BANK
OF MIDDLE EARTH WHERE IT CAN
BE GUARDED BY FRIENDLY DRAGONS.
>> HEY, WAIT.
IS THAT DEAN CAIN?
WHAT DO YOU GET FOR FINDING
DEAN CAIN?
'CAUSE, 'CAUSE I THINK I FOUND
DEAN CAIN.
>> WOW, WAY TO GO.
I WANNA THANK RICHARD MARX FOR
BEING HERE.
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> THANK YOU, RICHARD.
YOU CAN PICK UP HIS CASSETTE
"REPEAT OFFENDER" AT TOWER
RECORDS.
SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.
RICHARD MARX, EVERYBODY.
LET'S GO THIS WAY.
LET'S GO THIS WAY.