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Some guy in Australia, how *** sick are these people
he suggested that ***
in Australia should be banned
if it contained women with small ***
incase men watched it
and decided that they would become paedophiles
I know how sick is this guy....
My last girlfriend had small ***, and when i *** her i wasn't thinking about kids...
I was thinking about her Sister who had MASSIVE ***!
yeah..
Really massive ***
Especially for an 8 year old!!!
*** Corker that gag innit!
Only worked out how to word that the other night, Aberdeen got the first one , you got the second one of that
You know it's mental , health and saftey regulations, all this ***. Young people you got brought up with it don't even know, it used to be called common sense!
Health and saftey in the old days, many of us in here , we were able to make a psychological decision
about our own physical well being, based upon a fact that we have an instinct to stay alive.
Mental back in the old days when we were all a bit retarded.
Mental back in the old days when we were all a bit retarded.
but then again she sais, you know..
some of the things you talk about are quite controversial... i said well not to me.
like when i'm listening to Slayer, all i'm doing is talking
If their controversial
that's someone Else's interpretation in just they way i see the world.. so don't worry bout that ***!
Just let me get on with the artistic side of it and stop *** worrying.
Basically as far as i'm concerned, i just get to have a whinge
and if people laugh.. I get paid.
Good cos you know,
I can't have a normal job, cos i'm mental............i tried
I'm actually probably mental too...
oh yea *** ya.. i have had a normal job, for a bit i have! but it was horrible....
They wanted me to do stuff
Like all day..
and for more than one day
couldn't *** believe it
yeah consecutive days mate
and then only 2 off
then they wanted me to come back!
come back? i said for how long? He said until you 65
I said 65!!?? but I'm 18
next Friday's a long way away as far as I'm *** concerned
I can't *** do this
Oh stay Steve we will give you minimum wage!
Oh *** brilliant!
Well is the work minimum? Oh no.. the work's Maximum!
Well what's the wage? minimum
well how the *** does that work?
well it works for us!
Well it don't work for me.. *** you!
You're going against the laws of nature, very wise men and women throughout my life have taught me that what you put into life
is what you get out of life.
So if i'm putting in maximum work.
How the *** can i be getting minimum wage
Unless ye go on benefits
put in minimum work
and receive minimum wage
that way I'll be more in tune with God
you know i do a bit of work, but it's too much.. 5 days on 2 days off, it's too much, it's a big trick, so again retire, poor ***, rebel philosophize. I'ts not even 2 full days off is it, *** cheeky ***
Well it's not
Sundays not a holiday, cos Monday's right next to it going CAN YE FEEL ME! I turned up quicker than you thought eh?
Well he's a right ***
Should be 2 days on and 5 days off
That way everyone can have a job.. *** Yea
Who wouldn't do 2 days? common decency.. Even I'd do 2 *** days.
Allright no worries
I'm on this earth, 2 days, give us a shovel. Fair enough.
but what's better than 2 days
Soon as yer at your 1st day.. What's tomorrow? Last *** day mate! ............ Not for me it's hard it's horrible, it's bad we should all stop it
Why the *** do they still make us do jobs for? Everything's built
Yea, you got a house? yea... Got a toilet? yea...Got a pub? Yea.,..
Well sit the *** down and evolve
The funny thing is
they often say you know, but Steve old people come along, old people come to the show
Well what the ***'s people so worried about old people
as if they are gonna blow away
They been here longer than you
ye *** upstart, for ***'s sake
Old people, Im becoming and old person
I don't worry about old people
*** i'm worried about young people, growing up with political correctness, sitting there going are we allowed to say that?..... He said black man.... but he is a black man
but does he know that
and they are worried about..
well there was an old lady in there steve, and you were swearing.. yea but ...she was sucking *** before you were born!
She made it through the last 65 years, I'm sure she'll get through my stupid *** comedy show.
So no political correctness in here tonight, *** brilliant
*** that ***, i don't trust that either, it's like health and safety except instead of the oppression of out physical movement, they oppress out intellectual movement.
Where you can't say anything, in case some body else gets offended
which is intellectual colonialism and psychological fascism for the creation of thought crime
Yea exactly!
Cos they are telling us what we should be offended by and saying they are going to protect us from ever being offended as if we can't deal with our own feelings.
and somehow then they'll say we can make it an offense to offend people
Which is then bringing the rule of law into the realm of the subjective!
To make it an offense to offend someone, when it's obviously subjective that that you would be offended, she would be offended,
everything to do with you as an individual, society tradition, culture, moral conditioning, religious beliefs. What offends me could not offend a single one of you so there is no *** grounding for a law of any kind of *** validity
I'm offended when i see boy bands
I'm *** Offended! They are corporate *** posing as musicians to further ta modeling career and frankly I'm *** disgusted.
but what am i gonna do though? Ring the cops? Hello it's me again..
Yea their on the telly!
There's *** FIVE of them
white suits, dancing like ***
Five minutes wait, ill be out the front traumatized byeee...click!
I get offended, who doesnt
I get offended every day. That's why i don't read the news paper
It keeps the red mist at bay
I used to read it but now i just freak out, cos the insanity is too much for my *** rationality, i can't handle it anymore.
Every time i open it, every day *** hell. LETS BOMB IRAN!!! what??? BOMB THEM!!
We can bomb more of them!! Some of them are still living!
Still running around, awwwwww we can get more of them!
Well why? Well they might have a nuclear weapon, .... Well good!
Well i hope they have got heaps of them,
to defend them selves against you ye *** crazy ***! Running around the earth telling everybody what you can and can't do...
Who the *** other than America can tell any body about having Nuclear weapons, when they only country in the world who used Nuclear weapons, and other people in countries that we know about... anyway... and yet they run around telling everybody else who can and can't be trusted. What the *** ye talking about?? in fact...
The United States and the United Kingdom, run around the world like masters of the universe
telling everybody else who can and can't have nuclear weapons
*** that's like George Best and Oliver reed telling you you have had a few too many!
..and somehow we think we live in this world and everything's alright and dominated by these *** power structures
rocking around like their *** kings of the universe. You can't have any nuclear bombs!! Why not?? Cos your *** brown that's why not!
Can't have brown people getting nuclear weapons, ye understand?
India and Pakistan get a few, but the rest of you brown ***, none for you!
but how do we defend ourselves against you? Well you *** won't that's the point!
Here's a stick *** give us yer petrol!! Come on!
What the *** are they talking about? and even if they have got a nuclear weapon!
Who gives a ***?
Who Gives a ***? oh what will happen then Steve what if they get one?
Then they'll have one!!
Oh no Iran's finished one!
So what if they get...Do you think their that *** mental
that as soon as they finish it they'll just LET IT OFF!!
Quick Amed it is finished... LIGHT THE FUSE! Tssssssss.... BOOOOM!!!
That was brilliant.....we should have built another one!!!
OH ***!!
What shall we do now? We make friends with Israel, that's what we do *** now, come on...... Un *** believable!
The whole war on terror is offensive isn't it?
I'll tell you something that's offensive, it's not even a joke and I'm trying to tell ya
Try and get your mind around it
I read in the newspaper once.
This is like a Zen Cohen
You know what a Zen Cohen is?
A Zen Cohen is a small riddle which they give to Buddhists when they want to become enlightened, to see if their minds can go above conceptualization and reach singular consciousness.
So they give them an unanswerable question so their mind can't get around it like
What is the sound of one hand clapping? That's a Zen Cohen.
My Australian mate, an Austrailian comic used to say
I read that book on Buddhism
I said what's it sound of one hand clapping, i thought it was kind of....
a wooshing sound..... ...
but anyway
This is (Unintelligible) cos it's from the new world order
and the Rand Corporation think tank, they dream t up an idea
That what you now have in the world
Is the world's first , they named Syria.. the worlds first
Virtual nuclear terrorists
The word virtual gives it away
What they mean is
by a virtual nuclear terrorist
Is a nation that..
they know doesn't have nuclear weapons
but has the facilities to communicate the idea, to the rest of the world that perhaps they do
Exactly feel your mind go!
WHAT!?
So your saying you know they don't have any nuclear bombs?
That's right, but you think they might because they said they did? That's right!
That's like me
Getting charged with *** for staying in bed and having a ***. Exactly it makes no *** sense
So yea..
Global warming, i find that offensive!
The fact that they would tell me and
and think that im gonna do anything about it!
Who knows if it's true, no one knows
They just tell us
Oh it's happening Steve.,. oh really?.. is it? We know!
We never lie! We been up in the snow on top of the worlds Poles and had a look about and
yea..
The universe is broken!
Hahah yea really.
I don't even know the nature of my own existence
How do you think I'm going to help?
fix the broken *** world. Hey what if the world was a singular consciousness and I'm part of it yet i feel that I'm still separate from it because I'm not enlightened enough to do anything about the problem you're telling me about?
and why you're sitting around the world
and telling me about the world is broken and the seas are *** and everything is *** and you're letting off nuclear weapons
underneath the sea and dropping depleted uranium all over the middle east. and what you doing coming to me and the rest of the population telling us that we should all sit home with
a special light bulb and a shopping bag for life
You got your special light bulb?
Made mandatory in a democracy? that was handy!
and eh what comes out of that light bulb? just light yea.. oh...
what if the put vibrational frequencies these light bulbs?
The plants die , they'll sit there in apathy hum.. humm humm!!
What the .. your telling me your saving energy is a universe that's made of energy... hahahhahah
So i can sit there with my special light bulb, saving energy
while i watch my TV that's THIS *** BIG!
I had to save the energy you see!
and me special light bulb, and TV that's THAT *** BIG! I can't wait for the Olympics, for the swimming that way i can just put the telly on it's back and walk to the edge of the pool and go come on ye *** ***!!!
I don't watch Telly
I go on it but i don't watch it
I can't i can't watch Adverts
They insult my intelligence
and the red mist appears and i ruin a family day you know?
I see a toilet paper ad and become a communist
Exactly Madam we don't need
Flavors and colors and
*** puppy dogs and carpet and retarded voices .. just one brand. Brown paper bag, stick it up your *** and get on with life! Come on! *** hell it smells like the forest!, Well not after I'm finished with it it won't!!
Unless it's a forest in Mordor!
My mate told me the other day, i sat talking to him about 3 hours he didn't even see that they had TV channels anymore, they just seem to film someone's job and we are all supposed to watch!
Look here's John he drives a truck lets have a look at that
Then there's the blokes who just get home from work and go , i just finished work for *** sake
Who the *** is John? *** John!!
What else is on?
Ah this is Janet
She just bought a flat in Hackney and her basement keeps flooding, we are going to see if we can help her fix it.
Who the *** is Janet?
*** Janet! What else is on? .... Airport!!
What's this... Luton Airport, we filmed it, check it out!
Look here's a bloke who's flight's been canceled screaming at a girl on minimum wage who's got no power!
Oh *** that is there anything else on?
Yea Fat Camp! a camp for fat people
We don't like them anymore. Thinking about making them against the law. Get in a camp and slim down ye fat *** or we'll take your kids off ye understand?
If you could get in there and start crying, that be *** brilliant!
Some ex marine, just back from Iraq, he's been killing kids. He's gonna help you shed the pounds.
Them shows offend me beyond compre-***-hension
If you're a fat person and you like the way you look and you couldn't give a *** what anyone else thinks, and feel good about yerself
than your healthier that a skinny beautiful vain person that hates their own guts
If you like a pie, have a pie!
and tell them to get ***!
Maybe if you're one of them big fat *** on a forklift, on the news, scared of that ***
You know those blokes on the news, like where do you get T-Shirts that big?
You know maybe cut out the biscuits but apart from that
I don;t believe everything their experts tell me all the time
Well we've done research Steve and it's very very bad!
Well Buddha was fat so *** YOU!!
He was enlightened and in trans-dimensional realms of singular consciousness
He didn't give a *** about cholesterol
Well all the same Steve it;s better for you to be thin
Well Jesus was thin!
Cast your mind back to see what happened to that ***!
Weird ***
I just find usually living in Australia and going round the world
sometimes people what live on what is perceived as stolen land
could possibly be stolen land
Whether it's legal or not, have the staunchest *** attitudes towards defending that which isn't theirs! Like a cosmic Irony, the greatest cosmic irony is that Aboriginals on a spiritual level they don't even see the land as stolen as they know no body owns it , and they know that cos they know that you're going somewhere and the *** land isn't!
So you never own ***!
Just another illusion of possession
Are you here for a visit? so pick up your rubbish ***!
Who do we buy land off anyway?
That's another thing i used to ask my old man
As a child, he bought some land once , he said i bought some land. Off who? The real estate guy, ok well where did he get it?
What ye mean?
I said well someone's taken it
and selling it back to us
he said what do you mean?
Well i said wheres my bit? I'm on the earth
Don't i get a bit?
Well you got to buy some. off who?
Well the people that took it!
Someone's obviously taken it and then gone you want some ? Yeah 100 grand! Who are you? Don't worry about it!
But it's ours, well it's not yours, your a thieving ***!
I'm on the earth i want a bit, when I'm finished with it, dead you can have it back!
Whats wrong with that?
Ah no it's ours!. It's not yours. Until the day i see a 9 billion year old alien pop out behind a rock going it's mine by the way!
Then I'll be like oh right yea!!
But it's brilliant , thats why i love it
I like only black metal, thrash metal, death metal and erm ENYA!
Love a bot of ENYA
no one believes me but then again most people don't have to listen to morbid angel for 8 hours in one day.
If you get up to that kind of satanic chaos, you need something to relax in the afternoon
and i did that joke in London one night, and this big geezer, stands up, big cockney lad
i *** hate Enya! *** you hate Enya? that's a bit intense.
Enya? *** George Bush is still alive!
George Bush and *** Cheney,
Condolina Rice, Tont Blair, Donald Rumpsfelt,
and John Howard, and Henry Kissinger
and John negroponte
These are genocidal kid killing war criminals
and eh this is Enya!
Not telling ya how to live, but if your gonna hate
Hate positive!
See these are globalist demons
and this is Enya!
How the *** can you hate Enya?
It's just silence colored in
It's just not offensive on any level is it?
It's like being upset with a waterfall..!
Looking at a flower opening, and thinking thats *** disgusting!
DRUGS! quite a cliched thing to discuss in stand up comedy, but i'm going to do it none the less
because like buying land as a child i was amazed how many people grew up with marijuana,
and still lets bomb Iran but you better put that spliff down
I'm still amazed at the way
we are supposed to live in this this world
marijuana is a plant and it's against the law.. why why? Still many comedians and people throughout history have asked why have you made it against the law, is it wrong?
We've gotta rollerblade
we don't know how this grew, look it turned up with...
What about these plants, these are alright, but where did this come from?
decision
It's against the law
They told everyone it's bad for you!
Marijuana but here's some Ritalin
for your kids... What?
what's Ritalin?
well it's a pharmaceutical psychotropic drug
who's this for? The Toddlers!
Put that spliff down!
We don't want you so high that you can't administer drugs to your kids!
We want you to administer drugs to your kids!
cos we done research, yeah we're the experts that you haven't inquired about or done any investigation into and
They've been doing research about your kids
and the've found out that their all
*** fat and retarded and upset
and their all depressed and they've all got diseases like AD DD and ACDC
and we've done some in depth research and found out that kids are not interested in school
Oh right, so your saying we should put them on drugs?
So what did you teach them about today in school? Oh we taught them about erosion! Oh right what's that?.... Well
You get some dirt...
Some water goes across that dirt! and eh
Some of that dirt *** off!
How come your kids ain't interested? i don't know sir why aren't we interested?
Speaking for meself, probably cos eh
I'm six and i just pissed me pants
and just wanna ride my bike
That's all i was thinking about really
I wasn't thinking about taking pharmaceutical psychotropic drugs
i was thinking actually about putting some dog *** on that stick and chasing me mate!!
Ah yes cos I'm six!
Marijuana's bad for you, whaaaa.. i've done my own research
I didn't take any notes.. i lost me pen!
but i smoked a lot of pot, but i'm not mental
i look like live in the woods sometimes, but i'm not mental.
I smoked so much pot growing up
i had a poster of Bob Marley in me bedroom and in it Bob was wearing a T-Shirt with me on it
That's a lot of pot, and I'm not meant to
I've taken other drugs, magic mushrooms there's another plant. That's against the law, it's a Magic Mushroom!
but it's against the law.. Why? well it's magic!
So the one that's magic is against the law? Yeah! There is millions of mushrooms most of them if you eat within 10 seconds you turn blue and *** DIE!!
Are they against the law...?? NO!
There not against the law
What about the magic ones?
oh yea that's against the law that ***
why? is it dangerous? No cos it's Magic!
How come their allowed to go into outer space and yet we're not allowed to go into inner space?
Yet you've got more right to go into inner space that they have to go into outer space
and there is no inner or outer space, there's just space but you know your head tells you that there is
but there isn't, and yet see how deep colonialism goes?
They stopped you going into your own inner space!
but i been in there and it's brilliant
Some of you probably been in there yourselves.,.. *** yeah!
The odd night of psychic terror
You know 12 hours later when you have stopped crying and soaked up the blood
You get back on with it.
You just keep back in it.
A woman came up to me after the show, she sais
never done it but life was boring the *** out of her
and she said *** it i want to take hallucinogenics, good idea she said I'm nervous.
I said Good , so you should be
So was i , who knows what the *** is in there
She goes i'm gonna take some friends with me
i said better idea!
Don't do it by yourself the first time, Jesus Christ!
She goes you know, i don't know what friends to take. I said take as many as you want just keep an eye on the dumb ones!
She said what do you mean? I said well you gotta watch the dumb ones!
If you're gonna give them drugs like this, your dumb mates. Now they're a bit dumber.
Ah we can keep an eye on them
When you're doing drugs like this you've always got one dumb mate going this is great this ***!
We should do it every day! No mate no...
Well why not?
Cos its *** magic!
It's not for every day.
It's not it's like *** sex
I's for special occasions
If you take acid every day you ruin your mind
Exactly... *** sex any day you ruin your ***!
Either way you'll embarrass yourself on the bus!
and don't be doing both! I't's a *** bad look.
Where's your ticket? ... I'm a tree... PARP!!
and