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MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): I don't care that I teach for
these choda suckers.
I'm only staying 30 minutes.
FEMALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): But baby, we got the nanny.
We can stay all night.
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): Welcome to the "MFA Show."
Please check your bag or you will not receive our gift bag
of recyclable oat fritters.
-I have redesigned the garbage can so it smells like apricot.
It makes my ponytail smell like it came from the Body
Shop.
-Like, they're leggings for dogs and puppies that, like,
want to be color-coordinated, you know?
-Ahem, ahem, ahem.
Ahem-hem.
Uh, please explain your thesis in one sentence, please.
-(STRONG SOUTHERN ACCENT) I gave myself a 14-foot tapeworm
from Guatemala.
I let it fester inside me for two years, just to present it
as my thesis.
-A true representation of the city through the eyes of a
fire hydrant.
-I wanted to put--
I wanted to put a--
I wanted to put a little bit of myself into my thesis, so I
made something called the Indiana Scratch 'n' Sniff.
-(INDIAN ACCENT) Mon uncle said he would get me a job in
Brussels at auto factory, which would have nothing to do
with my degree.
Yah.
-I built the "Mona Lisa" as a sculpture out of
sticks and my own feces.
-(EASTERN EUROPEAN ACCENT): When does the free beer
portion of the evening end?
I might soon make pee out of my ***.
-Teachers, teachers, students, students.
-Ohhh, it's Adriana's project.
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): Ladies and gentlemen, can I
have your attention please.
It's time for a speech from Dr. Brittenbragh.
-[COUGHING]
Thank you all.